How to Share Childhood Sexual Dysfunction With My Partner

[Pitseleh]

I have been dating this girl for over 1 and a half years. She is a lovely partner, and we started our relationship by listening to Real Time Relationships together. I think the book has been a huge part of our success. However, things will not be quite right until I am able to share a variety of events of sexual dysfunction I experienced as a child with her. Among these are my first sexual experience at a young age, questioning my sexuality later on as a result, my early exposure to pornography and my quitting watching it completely within the last few months when I realized my relationship would be better if I did not watch it, and sexting people in the past.

I intend on sharing all of that with her the next time we see each other, and told her a while ago that there were things from my childhood that had occurred to me I should share, but was not yet comfortable doing so, but wanted her to know that I did have things I wanted to share when I felt comfortable doing so. Now I would not say I am comfortable enough to share but rather too uncomfortable to not share, I cannot hold these things in any longer. I think I can share all of those things with her and I think we will have a very long conversation and I feel like she will forgive me for watching porn during our relationship which I think is something that would definitely upset her. However, there is one other thing I really do not want to share.

In my past, at the age of 12 or 13, I engaged in a minor act of bestiality. I was a horny and sexually dysfunctional young boy going through puberty, and decided to basically let an animal do its thing (being lick-happy). I did not force the animal to do anything, just let it do its thing while I was masturbating, and this act of depravity fills me with immense guilt and regret. This is the one thing I absolutely do not want to share, but I feel like it is a secret I simply mustn't keep. My partner loves animals, which makes me particularly afraid of sharing this. I intended on sharing the rest with her and telling her there was still something else, because I am certainly not ready to share this yet. But now part of me thinks it will be unbearable for me to let everything else go and still be holding onto this. I want to not feel so bad about it because I was still a kid, going through puberty, and had sexually dysfunctional experiences up to this point that probably made it possible for me to act in such a way, but I still feel absolutely ashamed of it.

Does anyone have any advice for sharing these topics with my partner? I can definitely handle all but the last thing I mentioned, but I would appreciate advice about any of it. What was it like for those of you who shared sexual dysfunction in your past with your partners? Any advice on convincing myself to share the last part with her? I feel like I cannot live with myself because of the last thing I mentioned unless I know somebody else could still love me after learning it.

[Pod]

Firstly, the age at which this was done is of note.  Being that young, you have a long ways until full brain maturity, and this is the age at which sexual development is really just getting started. 

But I understand that the whole "you were a kid" argument may not be enough.  What I think may be more prevalent on your mind is the question of incomprehensibility. What I mean by this is the confusion you might have as to why you did this thing while at the same time retaining empathy and the capacity for this kind of conversation.  In a way it just doesn't fit, right?  This is a common thing and I personally believe you should take this lack of comprehensibility as a sign that something hasn't been discovered yet. 

The narrative that may be in your head of "i must be a bad person" is only there because your history is foggy and obscured.  In a way it's like having a puzzle piece marooned by itself on a table top with a slowly but uniformly developing puzzle around it.  You may look at that piece as you build and say... "I have no clue what that piece connects to, what picture it forms, or if it's even supposed to be there.  It's a different color than all the other pieces.  It being there by itself makes no sense. Is my puzzle broken?" 

In reality, that piece IS a part of the puzzle, it does form an image, it does serve a purpose, and when you do form that whole image and the puzzle is figured out, there is where you will find that self-empathy that you need. 

Therapy is what I would recommend for starting to find those missing pieces.  Maybe someone who specializes in sexual dysfunction because they may have an understanding as to how these urges develop or maybe they've had success with others of a similar situation. 

Another thing I'll say that I think is of incredible use that will keep you oriented is that your opinion of yourself is the only thing that matters whether you believe it or not.  It's common for us to worry about other people's opinions of us, but in reality what we're really worried about is our opinion of ourselves.  Remember that because it's a very useful and empowering fact that can help keep your mind on track. 

This is a very sensitive topic and barely scratches the surface but I believe this is something you can find self-empathy for. And remember, once you can empathize with yourself, it's universal, so others will be able to do the same.  If you need to discuss anything more in depth that you're not comfortable with putting on here, I'm totally fine with PMs.