Living with a monster

[GatoVillano]

..

[Siegfried von Walheim]

After reading some and skimming some, I don't know what to say. I feel sorry for you, but what does that mean? I mean, I have no answers for you because you have no questions. I mean, you know you grew up in Hell and surely you know you have to climb yourself out and totally revolutionize what it means to be a man and a father (relative to what you grew up thinking it meant). 

EDIT: I read it more closely, the whole thing. I have to really emphasize the line below just for the sheer bravery of you putting this to paper and sharing it on a public forum. 

First of all, I hugely applaud you for having the guts to post this in all its rawness and emotional bitter-sweetness. If I could, I'd +1 that for the bravery alone.

If you want to be far from your family of origin, I recommend leaving the county, city, maybe even state and finding somewhere fresher and freer like the American Midwest. If you have prophecies of impending doom about the country's future, then I'd recommend learning Russian and considering immigrating to Russia.

I have said to other OPs what I think the best solution to making oneself better are, I'll summarize it again.

1: Self-knowledge ASAP.

2: Find and pursue a profitable passion. Once you're 25 and/or making high 5-figures or low 6-figures...

3: Find a woman and a place of permanent residence.

An interesting interview of Mike Cernovich by Stefpai was the 40 Principles one, and Cernovich regularly mentioned paradoxes we have to square in order to be the happiest and most efficient self we can be. I don't agree with everything he says but I am willing to defer to him even in disagreement (unless Stefpai has a similar disagreement), therefore I suggest reading his stuff and start building yourself that way.

I was hugely depressed and anxious for nearly a year, some years ago, and the difference in how I feel/think/act now versus then is ginormous. I went for suicidal Leftist to happy, motivated, and productive Rightist. I went from a Commie/Fascist to a wannabe philosopher king. A big difference.

And the one paradox you have to square with women is realizing most of them suck but women are also huge players in shaping society. Therefore the best societies have great women, even though they are generally conformists and emotional. 

How do you square the opposing optimism of the positive power of women versus the reverse-feminist-like attitude that women are generally reactive rather than proactive? Well, I do a few things.

#1: Men are largely the same way. Some men actively enable bad women. Others conform to bad women.

#2: There are exceptions, and those exceptions are hugely wonderful. See Laurens Rose and Southern, Ann Coulter, and Mariya Katasonova for easy and visible examples. 

#3: To live exceptionally with an exceptional woman, you must become an exceptional man. I wish this, therefore I strive to be productive, positive, and a good and moral man while also keeping my wits about me and realizing danger when I see it. 

Remember these 3 things and you'll feel a lot less bitterness towards women (if that's a problem) and starting families (which I'm sure is a problem given your childhood) and in turn become optimistic and productive (which I'm sure you want to be). 

I can't think of anything right now, but please tell me if anything I've said here has been helpful and whether or not you feel any better and more confident about life and making your life truly yours. 

Edited November 28, 2017 by Siegfried von Walheim
Re-read more in depth.

[barn]

Hi there @GatoVillano

It was a bit strange to read when you wrote about not being sure if you were going to revisit your post and how much you needed to get things off your chest while not asking for solidarity or that a part of you even had wished no one read it. I somehow understood that, like I was expecting something similar. It made me think why I came to read and what might be ahead.

If I'm making comments, they're just mentions without any specific aim other than letting you know some of the things that happened while reading.

After the introduction to your brother : Kinda reminds me of my father. Size, strength, character.

People watching but not intervening : I once had the same realisation, perfectly can imagine why you felt that.

Parents in their own world, projection, strong propaganda : I had that too, strange how I didn't become an actor. (must have been really tiring for you to put up with all that 24/7/365)

The cloud moment: turning point, strong memories I suppose. Thank God there was a hand on your shoulder, pulling you back up.

' wh..? Why did you move back? ' - I asked myself.

The story about the brother : ' wh..? Why did you move back? ' - I asked myself, again.

Talking to the mother : I remembered a similar setup (not regarding the back story, just the emotional charge) and my mother's response was like 'It was the right thing to do, society expected it from her and my father. One day I will understand.' - I never told her I understood something there and then that I will not forget, can't and don't want to.

About going the opposite direction, ideology, plans...: It made me think, what I used to say to myself when contemplating back then (just after getting out) over my past and the accumulated life-experience till then... what else is real other than the shitstorm I went through? What else is out there? Only the direct opposite?...Something I can imagine but not really believe, how's that even possible?... well, until I don't figure out,... perhaps... it's possible...that...You can't go wrong if at least you are NOT evil. - Yeah, I can do that. ; Told myself and started a new 'journey'.

Read it till the end, but don't want to add more than what you might need, except for a thing that's occurred to me at last.

I was never read goodnight stories but I WILL to my children. I used to think that it is about just making the younger generation engaged in heroes and monsters and other-worldly places... The more I think of it, the more I see how through stories we can develop curiosity, using our imagination to find the right story where the hero is courageous, humble and so virtuous that every other virtuous creature and character finds a way to contribute to his journey. Stories matter a lot.

I appreciate you sharing.

You choose what's next,

Barnsley

[GatoVillano]

17 minutes ago, barn said:

Hi there @GatoVillano

It was a bit strange to read when you wrote about not being sure if you were going to revisit your post and how much you needed to get things off your chest while not asking for solidarity or that a part of you even had wished no one read it. I somehow understood that, like I was expecting something similar. It made me think why I came to read and what might be ahead.

If I'm making comments, they're just mentions without any specific aim other than letting you know some of the things that happened while reading.

After the introduction to your brother : Kinda reminds me of my father. Size, strength, character.

People watching but not intervening : I once had the same realisation, perfectly can imagine why you felt that.

Parents in their own world, projection, strong propaganda : I had that too, strange how I didn't become an actor. (must have been really tiring for you to put up with all that 24/7/365)

The cloud moment: turning point, strong memories I suppose. Thank God there was a hand on your shoulder, pulling you back up.

' wh..? Why did you move back? ' - I asked myself.

The story about the brother : ' wh..? Why did you move back? ' - I asked myself, again.

Talking to the mother : I remembered a similar setup (not regarding the back story, just the emotional charge) and my mother's response was like 'It was the right thing to do, society expected it from her and my father. One day I will understand.' - I never told her I understood something there and then that I will not forget, can't and don't want to.

About going the opposite direction, ideology, plans...: It made me think, what I used to say to myself when contemplating back then (just after getting out) over my past and the accumulated life-experience till then... what else is real other than the shitstorm I went through? What else is out there? Only the direct opposite?...Something I can imagine but not really believe, how's that even possible?... well, until I don't figure out,... perhaps... it's possible...that...You can't go wrong if at least you are NOT evil. - Yeah, I can do that. ; Told myself and started a new 'journey'.

Read it till the end, but don't want to add more than what you might need, except for a thing that's occurred to me at last.

I was never read goodnight stories but I WILL to my children. I used to think that it is about just making the younger generation engaged in heroes and monsters and other-worldly places... The more I think of it, the more I see how through stories we can develop curiosity, using our imagination to find the right story where the hero is courageous, humble and so virtuous that every other virtuous creature and character finds a way to contribute to his journey. Stories matter a lot.

I appreciate you sharing.

You choose what's next,

Barnsley

Thank you for sharing this with me and for being respectful when you read my story. I'm sorry about your father. And yes, I do believe that the past doesnt have to define us, we can choose our future. And our children is our future, so we have to give them a better environment then our parents gave to us.

 This is actually my second attempt at writing this. The first time I erased it. I was hard and a very emotional thing to write. To revisit your past, where you lived under the same roof then your oppressor. But you know what, I feel like a load of 10 tons was taken off my back after I wrote this. And then I listened to ''I can see clearly now''. It felt so right.

Well, TY for your time and insight. Take care =)

[barn]

2 minutes ago, GatoVillano said:

Thank you for sharing this with me and for being respectful when you read my story. I'm sorry about your father. And yes, I do believe that the past doesnt have to define us, we can choose our future. And our children is our future, so we have to give them a better environment then our parents gave to us.

 This is actually my second attempt at writing this. The first time I erased it. I was hard and a very emotional thing to write. To revisit your past, where you lived under the same roof then your oppressor. But you know what, I feel like a load of 10 tons was taken off my back after I wrote this. And then I listened to ''I can see clearly now''. It felt so right.

Well, TY for your time and insight. Take care =)

Brave stuff you did. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

In some cultures people write wishes, thoughts down to later burn them away, 'releasing' the words, often doing so with a Chinese lantern or using a small raft, that then gets taken care of by the river.

This might sound quirky but once I did burn a bunch of personal notes, letters and used the char to plant medicinal lemon-grass + tea-herbs. 

Thumbs up, bud!

Barnsley

[Ninja]

I resonate with some of the emotional experiences you described. What you went through is something that no one should be put through. I think the idea of distancing yourself is wise. There are psychological coping mechanisms that result from trauma and they can be very misleading. Often, we are mislead right back into danger. I'm hopeful that you will put your freedom to the best use for the rest of your life. There are a few good people left in the world and they will gladly share life with you.

[Jsbrads]

I read what you wrote.