Friends

[Awood90]

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fighting-fear/201401/what-expect-friend

Can I get some FDR listener perspective on this article? I mean... I am desperately searching for answers here. I have none of these so called "true friends".. Do they exist? Are my standards too high? I have whittled down my group of friends to a sharp point since becoming an FDR listener and I still feel like none of them embody what I expect out of a "true friend". On top of nixing old friends, we move constantly for my husband's job so making new friends has been at the very least a challenge. Do you have friends for different occasions? Do you keep people in your life who are good to shop with but not good at the dinner table? Is this article complete nonsense? I am at a loss here..... What is reasonable to expect from an adult friendship? How do I find a community when every 6-12 months I move to a new state? FACKKK!!!

[Siegfried von Walheim]

2 hours ago, Awood90 said:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fighting-fear/201401/what-expect-friend

Can I get some FDR listener perspective on this article? I mean... I am desperately searching for answers here. I have none of these so called "true friends".. Do they exist? Are my standards too high? I have whittled down my group of friends to a sharp point since becoming an FDR listener and I still feel like none of them embody what I expect out of a "true friend". On top of nixing old friends, we move constantly for my husband's job so making new friends has been at the very least a challenge. Do you have friends for different occasions? Do you keep people in your life who are good to shop with but not good at the dinner table? Is this article complete nonsense? I am at a loss here..... What is reasonable to expect from an adult friendship? How do I find a community when every 6-12 months I move to a new state? FACKKK!!!

The article makes some fair points but also misses a few others. Note this is the musings of a 19 year old hermit who is just getting started with his lifelong career...

1: What are friends? I wouldn't use the word friend as liberally as most people. A friendship is built on common empathy and common desire. Essentially like a marriage but platonic. Like a marriage a friend is there whenever the other is struggling. Especially practically. The examples given were all of false friendships based on superficial connections rather than actual friendships. Friends are rare; if you can't confidently say you'd be willing to risk life and limb for someone then you are not their friend. You may be friendly but not their friend. 

2: It is important to understand the nature of your relationships. If all you have in common is hobbies than your friendship is not just superficial but nonexistent. When the crap hits the fan you can't expect fellow shoppers to fundamentally care let alone actually do anything. If you were sick enough to be hospitalized, you ought to cross out anyone who didn't care enough to visit (or call if too busy with intense work or other tragedies) because clearly they don't care about your health. 

3: Empiricism first. Actions speak louder than words. You may hear all kinds of sweet sounds but in the end that's all they are. If you injure your leg and a bro comes over to help out with physically demanding stuff then he's a true friend. If he does what he can to avoid you, you clearly made a mistake in calling him a friend. I think being pregnant is the first time many women discover who's a friend and who's not. The superficial trappings come undone.

4: If you don't have roots, you can't expect to grow branches. Until you're settled you can't expect to have friends beyond mere acquaintances and superficial get-togethers. Good people are generally busy. Busy with work, busy with family, busy finding a spouse, busy raising kids, etc. Busy people need routes to sustain most of these things. Therefore until you find the place you're willing to die in any friend you make is by pure accident. Keep in touch however you can but chances are it'll devolve into an unreliable long-distance relationship.

5: Remember, we're a tribal species. We naturally need each other and therefore seek each other's approval. This is both good and bad. Good in keeping people together but sometimes people ought not be together. You need to find comfort and friendship within yourself first, then your husband, then anyone else. If you aren't happy by yourself no one in the world will make you happy. Your husband is the best man you'll ever know (so I hope you chose well--beyond a certain point you bar yourself from good people). Your friends (and circles) are generally reflections of yourself. If you're superficial, expect superficiality. If you're deep, expect depth. You get what you project. 

Ultimately I think the best solution is to realize what friendship means and how to differentiate that from acquaintances and if you really want real friends, you have to plant your roots and project to the world the kind of friends you want. If you want honesty; be honest. If you want availability; be available. If you want X be X. It's work, and not something to be taken lightly.

Again I'm 19 and have bad experience making friends as I learned this the hard way and through the wisdom of the internet. I have little time for anyone who isn't in it for the long haul; I am only interested in depth but I have little time to make deep connections and therefore I'm choosing to make none until I have time (which is when my financial situation is stable and I have roots). I can't do it all at once. I don't assume you can either. However I might be doing it all wrong and thinking about it all wrong. However still, I do trust my instincts as I have often been able to sense slow but oncoming disasters. Of course I can't expect a stranger to trust my instincts. SO remember: take everything I just said with a grain of salt.

[barn]

Hi @Awood90

I don't think I have the clearest grasp on the subject, so I think it's reasonable to take what I'm about to say with a pinch of salt...

The article seems lopsided to me as it greatly eludes to highlight the fact that good friends don't allow for escalation to the point of grave emotional harm being inflicted by either party.

I mean, not if they can. Accidents may happen but those are easy to remedy with sharing experiences, working out strategies for creating preferable future scenarios, acknowledgement of experiences with genuine empathy and apologies... so on.

Obviously, a good friendship is a huge investment. The way I see it, both parties learn a great deal about each other in the dynamic and that means vulnerabilities... like, 'pretty-please-don't-press-that-button'-s too, if you know what I mean.

Like I said, accidents may happen but generally I see it difficult to believe good friends would be obnoxious to the point where they'd do something that's especially hurtful to the other... I find that a pretty big contradiction. Like a mountain sized one, so yeah the article is fairly misleading if you asked me. (I wonder if the author is trying to minimise preferences, shift blame, trying to move the attention of those who... hmm. Why would he do such a thing, if I'm correct?!... )

Huge investment means, several layers, a good grasp on needs (for both, recognition and the ability to communicate those), integrity, principles (especially to one-self)... I'm being a bit abstract here, perhaps.

i.e. - actions mirroring words, willing to change behaviour if superior argument is made, respecting boundaries of each other, remembering what the other one said... (any better?)

Sorry for saying, 6-12 months is not enough time (I don't see how it could, even if living together be sufficient) in order to lay a strong enough foundation, so that if you moved there would be a strong enough connection to keep the relationship going long-term. Maybe it is, I just never experienced/could achieve that.

I'm sorry for your experience, it must be making you feel lonely and frustrated,... Sishyphus

A few things:

° You don’t choose, who wants you to be their real friend. (goes the other way around too)

° Real friendship is a big investment, people are afraid to loose such a value (especially if they had been 'betrayed', got disappointed, felt dependent in their past)

° Someone who moves around a lot is bringing to the dynamic a challenge, for starters there's an added difficulty that not many people are capable/willing to embrace. Are you conscious of the fact that you are asking for people to accept that you are moving around a lot?

...

Hope that helps, feel free to give a feedback...

I think, it is reasonable to take what I've said here, with a pinch of salt.

Barnsley

 

[J.L.W]

In my view friendships are the natural result of spending a great deal of time with others. You end up having needs as well, social etc. and the people that respond positively, that try to help you out, end up being friends and you in turn learn how to help them with things.

Sorry if that all sounds a bit basic I suppose the query is a bit basic to me.

I would say that if you want long term friendships then you do need to be in the same place for long- ish periods of time. People have friends from school and work mostly.

I have had escalations with close friends but never serious ones. The whole situation with dating of exes and other related issues is altogether very thorny.

[barn]

6 minutes ago, J.L.W said:

In my view friendships are the natural result of spending a great deal of time with others. You end up having needs as well, social etc. and the people that respond positively, that try to help you out, end up being friends and you in turn learn how to help them with things.

Sorry if that all sounds a bit basic I suppose the query is a bit basic to me.

I would say that if you want long term friendships then you do need to be in the same place for long- ish periods of time. People have friends from school and work mostly.

I have had escalations with close friends but never serious ones. The whole situation with dating of exes and other related issues is altogether very thorny.

I don't think that is basic. It's common rather.

What do you think about shared values, admiration, the need to learn from the other as a basis for true friendship?

Isn't it acquintance, anything else you have? 'Business' oriented setups, where distances are mutually kept?

[J.L.W]

6 minutes ago, barn said:

I don't think that is basic. It's common rather.

What do you think about shared values, admiration, the need to learn from the other as a basis for true friendship?

Isn't it acquintance, anything else you have? 'Business' oriented setups, where distances are mutually kept?

In my view shared values is something that if you don't share it, you simply don't end up in the same room with a person in the first place. I am talking about deeply held values. We see this in common office politics. Those that are more aligned to be in the "in" group and those who are not really in the "in" group, or are there but are a little different, end up spending time with each other.

"True" friendship? Not wishing to be arrogant, but I think such a term confuses the issue, and is a bit quaint. After you have the shared values the closeness partly comes from shared experiences (positive and negative, in a club like setting with little "social glue" perhaps there are not enough NEGATIVE joint experiences to bring people together! Interesting thought.) Also things like confiding to each other.

[barn]

4 hours ago, J.L.W said:

In my view shared values is something that if you don't share it, you simply don't end up in the same room with a person in the first place. I am talking about deeply held values. We see this in common office politics. Those that are more aligned to be in the "in" group and those who are not really in the "in" group, or are there but are a little different, end up spending time with each other.

 

I see.

No. How about this?...

Office politics isn't free choice. Therefore, I'd say it's more temporary alliances, convenience, politics in general for making the best of what is given within an artificial environment.

Friendship (meaningful, true, virtue-based) is different. You can choose what to give, what to accept. Doing so, not because you don't want to dread working at a place where you only have a few individuals (sometimes not even that) who you really get along with. But because you are mostly able to / being your true self, outside of an artificial environment.

(True/false self? I'm sure you're familiar with..)

 

Interesting, since how you started out the topic of friendship sounded like being accustomed to = therefore friends. (I haven’t seen you mention values, deeply held or not.) I see your first statement, a description of friendship as getting used to being around certain people. Isn't that what you wrote?

4 hours ago, J.L.W said:

In my view friendships are the natural result of spending a great deal of time with others.

Passively, like a leaf in the wind. Unlike choosing...

4 hours ago, J.L.W said:

You end up having needs...

Utilitarian perspective?

4 hours ago, J.L.W said:

You end up having needs as well, social etc. and the people that respond positively, that try to help you out, end up being friends and you in turn learn how to help them with things.

This is what I meant with the 'business' like mentality. 'You scratch my back...'

There's no real risk as the relationship isn't too valuable(though some might grow into something more special, occasionally). In general, those people are 'interchangeable' acquaintances. No strong ties just a sense of convenience. Do you think that's fair to say?

4 hours ago, J.L.W said:

"True" friendship? Not wishing to be arrogant, but I think such a term confuses the issue, and is a bit quaint.

No offence taken. (Just, don't be arrogant if you don't want to. Preferably. I believe.)

So for you, false/pretentious friendship doesn't exist.

+

Or, am I correctly assuming that you'd say, shared suffering brings people closer and makes them friends too? (as in: not that it can, but it usually does)

Are those, also part of how you see friendship?

 

 

[J.L.W]

5 hours ago, barn said:

Interesting, since how you started out the topic of friendship sounded like being accustomed to = therefore friends. (I haven’t seen you mention values, deeply held or not.) I see your first statement, a description of friendship as getting used to being around certain people. Isn't that what you wrote?

That is what I wrote but that is not quite how I see it. You can be accustomed to people but not form a closer bond, I will use the term 'closer bond' as a stage between acquaintance and friendship.

Friendships will form after I would imagine about 3 - 3.5 years of closeness/ communication. Obviously a lot of this not being formed out of necessity.

I DO believe that shared needs are important to forming a friendship. Perhaps that is part of my personal perspective but although I do have friends, some of many years, and have had other friendships that have gone wrong (women are the kiss of death for this), and had clearly false friendships that I knew from the beginning were so. For me personally I like spending time in solitary pursuits so much that need is part of the reason I reach out.

[barn]

Hi @J.L.W

, thanks for some added info on some of my questions.

Edited February 25, 2018 by barn
some isn't none

[J.L.W]

1 hour ago, barn said:

Hi @J.L.W

, thanks for some added info on some of my questions.

What do you think about the situation with friendships? Do you agree

[barn]

Just now, J.L.W said:

What do you think about the situation with friendships? Do you agree

The only part, that I guess is somewhat agreeable to me is that it takes time to cultivate friendships.

(also, you haven't responded to my other 5 questions, no push just letting you know I noticed)

[Awood90]

On ‎2‎/‎22‎/‎2018 at 3:17 AM, Siegfried von Walheim said:

The article makes some fair points but also misses a few others. Note this is the musings of a 19 year old hermit who is just getting started with his lifelong career...

1: What are friends? I wouldn't use the word friend as liberally as most people. A friendship is built on common empathy and common desire. Essentially like a marriage but platonic. Like a marriage a friend is there whenever the other is struggling. Especially practically. The examples given were all of false friendships based on superficial connections rather than actual friendships. Friends are rare; if you can't confidently say you'd be willing to risk life and limb for someone then you are not their friend. You may be friendly but not their friend. 

2: It is important to understand the nature of your relationships. If all you have in common is hobbies than your friendship is not just superficial but nonexistent. When the crap hits the fan you can't expect fellow shoppers to fundamentally care let alone actually do anything. If you were sick enough to be hospitalized, you ought to cross out anyone who didn't care enough to visit (or call if too busy with intense work or other tragedies) because clearly they don't care about your health. 

3: Empiricism first. Actions speak louder than words. You may hear all kinds of sweet sounds but in the end that's all they are. If you injure your leg and a bro comes over to help out with physically demanding stuff then he's a true friend. If he does what he can to avoid you, you clearly made a mistake in calling him a friend. I think being pregnant is the first time many women discover who's a friend and who's not. The superficial trappings come undone.

4: If you don't have roots, you can't expect to grow branches. Until you're settled you can't expect to have friends beyond mere acquaintances and superficial get-togethers. Good people are generally busy. Busy with work, busy with family, busy finding a spouse, busy raising kids, etc. Busy people need routes to sustain most of these things. Therefore until you find the place you're willing to die in any friend you make is by pure accident. Keep in touch however you can but chances are it'll devolve into an unreliable long-distance relationship.

5: Remember, we're a tribal species. We naturally need each other and therefore seek each other's approval. This is both good and bad. Good in keeping people together but sometimes people ought not be together. You need to find comfort and friendship within yourself first, then your husband, then anyone else. If you aren't happy by yourself no one in the world will make you happy. Your husband is the best man you'll ever know (so I hope you chose well--beyond a certain point you bar yourself from good people). Your friends (and circles) are generally reflections of yourself. If you're superficial, expect superficiality. If you're deep, expect depth. You get what you project. 

Ultimately I think the best solution is to realize what friendship means and how to differentiate that from acquaintances and if you really want real friends, you have to plant your roots and project to the world the kind of friends you want. If you want honesty; be honest. If you want availability; be available. If you want X be X. It's work, and not something to be taken lightly.

Again I'm 19 and have bad experience making friends as I learned this the hard way and through the wisdom of the internet. I have little time for anyone who isn't in it for the long haul; I am only interested in depth but I have little time to make deep connections and therefore I'm choosing to make none until I have time (which is when my financial situation is stable and I have roots). I can't do it all at once. I don't assume you can either. However I might be doing it all wrong and thinking about it all wrong. However still, I do trust my instincts as I have often been able to sense slow but oncoming disasters. Of course I can't expect a stranger to trust my instincts. SO remember: take everything I just said with a grain of salt.

Thank you for replying. Your perspective in my opinion is well beyond your years and I really enjoyed reading your points. I agree I need to define friendship for myself as I feel like I do not have a good definition of it, hence my google searching landing me on this Psychology Today article. When I posted my question I was in a really depressed place with a specific "friend" of mine in mind, and funny you mention the pregnancy aspect because I am pregnant and while at first she was excited she claimed, now she is completely ignoring me. I believe I have come to the realization that she is not a "true" friend. But I still find myself wondering if people have "true" friends. My post was more a desperate cry for some pointers on what other FDR listeners are employing in the world of friends. I have plenty of acquaintances as I am a kind and outgoing person but I have a hard time nailing down what they add to my life. I wonder if I ostracize everyone who doesn't meet my standards if I will forever have no real friends. Sometimes I wonder about the people Stef calls his friends, and whether or not they are perfect matches or what he lets slide.... He sort of did a call in show about this recently which I also found very informative. I think core values are the most important aspect in friends as they are in my marriage with my wonderful husband. It appears I will just have to endure this loneliness one more year until we can set down roots. Luckily he has been offered a position in the home office which means we will no longer be moving every 8-12 months. It is a good time as I said we are expecting our first born in August. I will continue to wonder though about the coworkers and spouses who continue to move around as that is simply the way the pipeline industry is. I had this idea that a true friendship would not be hindered by distance but perhaps that is yet just another myth I think has been promoted by nonjudgmental society. After all I know my marriage would not survive long distance for a long or frequent period of time, but lots of people sure give it a try.

 

In response to the other replies:

In retrospect I realize my question was pretty "basic" but I can assure you I am no pro in philosophy or logic. I am an emotional woman, who is currently a homemaker and soon to be a stay at home mom. I realize once I have my first child things will change a bit in the friend aspect of my life as I wont have near as much time to think about being lonely. But I also know I am the kind of person who needs friends. I assume my requirements for friendships will change when I become a mother but I still don't want to settle for just chatting with other moms I have no core values in common with. It makes sense that no one has superb advice for how a gypsy can make good friends since our lifestyle is rather rare. Many of the wives of my husband's coworkers stay back in their hometowns with the kids while the husband goes to another state for months at a time to build pipelines. They have their kids in public school so they don't travel with their husbands very often and they have their family and "support system" because they have roots. Seeing my husband for the weekend maybe once a month at the most and usually less did not sound appealing to myself or my husband so for 3 years I have traveled from state to state with him and our doggies. As I have grown I have purged all the friends I had my hometown and my younger life which I feel is the large reason for the feeling of having "no friends". In reading y'alls comments I feel I should count myself lucky having made one good friend over the course of these 3 years the only catch is that she circumcised her son and doesn't share our views on peaceful parenting. Anywho... thanks for your replies. Sorry for the basic inquiry.  

[Siegfried von Walheim]

20 minutes ago, Awood90 said:

Thank you for replying. Your perspective in my opinion is well beyond your years and I really enjoyed reading your points. I agree I need to define friendship for myself as I feel like I do not have a good definition of it, hence my google searching landing me on this Psychology Today article. When I posted my question I was in a really depressed place with a specific "friend" of mine in mind,

I figured that but I don't want to try mind-reading since I'd rather answer the direct question. After all there is no "your" or "my" definition of friendship; it's either true or it isn't.

20 minutes ago, Awood90 said:

and funny you mention the pregnancy aspect because I am pregnant and while at first she was excited she claimed, now she is completely ignoring me. I believe I have come to the realization that she is not a "true" friend. But I still find myself wondering if people have "true" friends. My post was more a desperate cry for some pointers on what other FDR listeners are employing in the world of friends. I have plenty of acquaintances as I am a kind and outgoing person but I have a hard time nailing down what they add to my life. I wonder if I ostracize everyone who doesn't meet my standards if I will forever have no real friends.

Let me put it to you this way: you'll never have real friends if you keep even one superficial person close. Real friends seek other real friends (better said: real people with values seek real people with values to befriend) therefore unless you meet a crazy or needy one (in which case...that's another set of problems) you'll never have friends unless you have standards.

Ask yourself: do you want a bunch of fake people or 1 or 2 real people? You can't have both. Fake people fear/hate/attack real people and real people avoid/dispel/vanquish fake people like exorcists to ghosts (or vampires would be a better analogy).

20 minutes ago, Awood90 said:

Sometimes I wonder about the people Stef calls his friends, and whether or not they are perfect matches or what he lets slide.... He sort of did a call in show about this recently which I also found very informative.

Note: he has Mike the Guy With the Voice But No Face who often speaks for him and introduces callers to him. THAT's a friend. I'm sure he's not Stefpai's only one but I'm sure he's among his most treasured. I don't know their age range but I'd assume they're like brothers. 

20 minutes ago, Awood90 said:

I think core values are the most important aspect in friends as they are in my marriage with my wonderful husband. It appears I will just have to endure this loneliness one more year until we can set down roots.

I think the loneliness will end once you "get it". Then you'll feel happy and attract similar people in similar circumstances. Remember: there's billions of people out there and chances are you live in a town with at least 100,000. Odds are there is a top 1% to be won.

20 minutes ago, Awood90 said:

Luckily he has been offered a position in the home office which means we will no longer be moving every 8-12 months. It is a good time as I said we are expecting our first born in August. I will continue to wonder though about the coworkers and spouses who continue to move around as that is simply the way the pipeline industry is. I had this idea that a true friendship would not be hindered by distance but perhaps that is yet just another myth I think has been promoted by nonjudgmental society. After all I know my marriage would not survive long distance for a long or frequent period of time, but lots of people sure give it a try.

I wouldn't say Long-Distance friendships are unsustainable but rather... I'd think of it like this: if I had a friend--a real brother--for 10 years and then I'm off to war for 10 years, he may still be my "real brother" depending on whether he grew while I was away and on whether or not I ate the blackpill and became all PTSD Hitler Style or he became all this or that. Point is it's possible but rare. The stars have to align.

Long-Distance marriages/loves only work if the distance is caused as a result of, say, war. Then it's possible because chances are both sides are mature enough to realize they can't see much of each other. A wonderful example is Genghis Khan (real name: Temujin) and his wife Borte. Even though he was a hound dog, he always loved her and she was extremely crucial to his rising into becoming the "King of Kings" of Asia, as there were some really hectic times and without her he might have died and without him she would have starved or died or whatnot. See "Khan: Rise of the Mongols" on YouTube (it's a Russian Movie) for details. It's historical-fiction but it's not far from reality and what is fictional is based on real stuff.

However unless there's a war going on and both sides are deeply mature and committed, long-distance relationships don't last because they weren't built on a hard enough foundation. I mean, practically speaking, outside war, why would a husband and wife split for months or years? There's no good reason. A bit different for friends because male friends could have jobs that take them different places while female friends could be married to the mobile men and therefore going with them. Obviously the distance will test the relationship (especially since they'll be growing/shrinking on their own and that could mean fairly different people when they reunite) but I wouldn't go so far as to say they're impossible. Just rare (because most people don't have friends but reflections in the mirror).

All in all: get some certainty and objective absolutes in your life so you can slap yourself on the face whenever you catch yourself repeating a falsehood to yourself. Recognize things for what they are so you can begin attracting good people and then when you have them, treat them as you want to be treated (or treat them as they want to be treated so they'll treat you as you want to be treated). 

 

[MercurySunlight]

In the study of animals and how they view other living beings, the simplest breakdown I use is:

Friend = Allies

Foe = Adversaries

Food = Consumables and Resources

These categories can be fluid and change under certain circumstances. An example would be buck deer which form bachelor herds outside of the mating season and exist as Friends. Come the mating season, they temporarily switch to Foe. After mating season, they're back to hanging with their buddies.

In human relationships, if we look at couples, I've found that the Friend component is very important for successful, healthy relationships. 

If you go down to the bottom of the article and read the comments section, there's mention of narcissism. A Narcissist views other living being as a Resource or as an Adversary. They lack the Friend component. It's one reason they are often described as emotional vampires.

Not all people who use others fall into the narcissist category. Sometimes you're just dealing with someone who's a bit selfish at a certain moment in time.

Just my personal research and observations.

Edited March 8, 2018 by MercurySunlight
Additional informationinformation

[HenryJubeda]

On 2/22/2018 at 6:59 AM, Awood90 said:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fighting-fear/201401/what-expect-friend

Can I get some FDR listener perspective on this article? I mean... I am desperately searching for answers here. I have none of these so called "true friends".. Do they exist? Are my standards too high? I have whittled down my group of friends to a sharp point since becoming an FDR listener and I still feel like none of them embody what I expect out of a "true friend". On top of nixing old friends, we move constantly for my husband's job so making new friends has been at the very least a challenge. Do you have friends for different occasions? Do you keep people in your life who are good to shop with but not good at the dinner table? Is this article complete nonsense? I am at a loss here..... What is reasonable to expect from an adult friendship? How do I find a community when every 6-12 months I move to a new state? FACKKK!!!

You cannot expect more from your relations than you give yourself. Would you invest a lot of time befriending someone who you know is going to leave within a year?

[AllanN]

On 2/22/2018 at 5:59 AM, Awood90 said:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fighting-fear/201401/what-expect-friend

Can I get some FDR listener perspective on this article? I mean... I am desperately searching for answers here. I have none of these so called "true friends".. Do they exist? Are my standards too high? I have whittled down my group of friends to a sharp point since becoming an FDR listener and I still feel like none of them embody what I expect out of a "true friend". On top of nixing old friends, we move constantly for my husband's job so making new friends has been at the very least a challenge. Do you have friends for different occasions? Do you keep people in your life who are good to shop with but not good at the dinner table? Is this article complete nonsense? I am at a loss here..... What is reasonable to expect from an adult friendship? How do I find a community when every 6-12 months I move to a new state? FACKKK!!!

I, and later my wife and I have been in a similar position, travelling, mostly to other countries.

We've mainly befriended other travellers; people in flux; a diverse group of people because I guess they're at loose ends too.  We've had close friends who were Jewish and once a Nazi and his wife, even besides them, local aborigines.  Each has their good points but talk of politics and religion; wifey and I have avoided.  Currently we're friendly with Gypsies.  Some of the relatives won't have anything to do with us, something like relatives of the Jewish people, but those who are friendly with us, we can call friends more than acquaintances and for a variety of reasons.

Colour, religion and philosophies have never been a problem for my wife or myself.  Maybe that's why we seem to drop into a slot.  We take an interest in people who interest us.  You could always join a church, we were invited to stay at a Catholic convent and we went once for the weekend.  It was hell because I'd been having a fascinating conversation with a lawyer guy, also at the weekend retreat and the nuns didn't like that.  Talking was forbidden for the rest of that weekend.  Muslims, np, we have a few Korans on the bookshelf, they're fabulous at barbecues - the stuff they cook I mean.

I arrived at a conclusion about making friends and it's that everyone wants friends, and usually everyone believes they're good, so we go with the part of them that's good and like it too.  Each has variations on what they consider right, Nazis, Jews and everyone else, and what they consider right is usually reasonably right even thought their perspectives are only segments of a larger picture known as human.  Find their part in the picture and appreciate it, as they appreciate it.

Generally I guess, it's what sales people do: be agreeable with whomsoever's perspective and value it as the customer values it.