Four year old - Tantrums, Self Sadness

[Cafe-Dave]

Hi,

 

I have a newly four year old daughter and 9 month old twin daughters. Our four year old has been having 30-45 minute tantrums, at varying frequency. Say one on last Thursday, Twice on Sunday, Tuesday, Then twice today (Thursday). It is really wearing us down, having twin babies + toddler. She lacks self soothing skills, still uses a pacifier before bed, and refuses to poop in the potty even though she was almost fully potty trained at 2 years old. I offer to solve her issues with potty poops like keeping the water from splashing on her or using the little potty. During a bad week of tantrums she'll wake up screaming at night and need something, milk/bandaid/cuddles. But when things are going well she'll sleep through the night just fine (10-13 hours).

 

The four year old started having these tantrums before the twins were born. My wife had a tough time with the pregnancy, since one the twins has a club foot and a cord issue. All is well now for sure, but we've had about a year and a half of toughness as a family. I suspect the four year old kinda caught some of our sadness and frustrations. We're doing great with the twins now though. The tantrums really started up right around three years old. She backs away, shoves her legs under things, tries to hide, her hands lock up into claws like she's into a freeze/flight response. I don't understand.

 

She's a crazy bright kid. We did sign language with her, and her vocabulary now shows great rewards for doing so. Had colors / shapes down really quick too. She loves her preschool book playtime before bed, really wants to go to "Academy" (Preschool) 5 days a week at a little place we found for her, which starts in August. She currently goes to an in-home daycare at a neighbor's house 3 days a week (to my protest, breaking the 20 hour barrier for abandonment). During the week a nanny comes 5 days a week, and Momma/Four year old go out and have lunch or do something engaging as much as possible.

 

Has really good coordination when catching or throwing balls/objects. Builds with blocks/legos and imagines what she's built as she's doing it. Very creative and well spoken. Sings. Dances. Makes up her own songs. Loves helping me play guitar.

 

She doesn't like to eat. If we can get her to eat, typically things go well. She's not just a picky eater, she'll say her stomach hurts. Her stomach probably hurts because she's hungry. Very frustrating. Sometimes I just let her have whatever she wants to get some calories in her, like doritos chips. She'll always eat those. Then we try to get some strawberries/grapes or some cheese in her. Hit and miss. Loves bacon and crumbled hamburger.

 

She gets very upset when she's tired and that's usually the impetuous for a tantrum. She's cry loudly "I don't wanna go to bed" and start to break down. This can happen in the morning or at night. Typically okay between 11am to 4pm. 4pm seems to be when things can really fall apart.

 

She goes to a therapist that does Theraplay with her. I really like it, but the therapist agrees that we don't have an attachment problem. It's most likely a need to improve her coping skills, at least that's what we're going to work on next.

 

My real problem is I have lost all my ability to be calm. If I am calm, I feel like I'm just being a sociopath. I don't feel anything or really want to help her, I just want her to stop spitting. I've even flipped the lock on her door around to her room last week and locked her in her room a couple of times. I don't feel bad, I just cannot handle the rage I feel when she starts having a fit. I know the fit is going to upset her mother, and I'm going to be upset. Last Tuesday I picked her up and pressed her down onto her bed and I couldn't help it..just started yelling at her at the top of my voice. I feel shame, I feel like I've failed, but I don't feel bad for yelling. I slapped her 3 times. I really don't feel bad. I'm so tired of it that I cannot handle the time she is upset. I don't trust myself, I really doubt I can hold myself back. I have no reason to believe I can just will myself into being a good father. I think her mother being upset just makes me flip into complete warpath mode, at least what I think it is.

 

I go to a therapist 2-3 times a month due to being very very depressed after the twins were home from the NICU. I've never thought about killing myself but I've definitely wanted to just be gone from all my problems and sadness. I cannot even allow myself to wonder about it, I'm too important to all my kids. I'm doing a lot better at home and at work, but my four year old is just making me dread any time she's awake.

My problems I can deal with at my therapist. I just...I'm spent. I need help. I don't know what I want or need. I'm mostly worried that I cannot handle being a father or husband.

[AMR]

The NICU is very hard on you, having twins is hard, going from one to three kids is hard.  Going from only child to have stressed out/ depressed parents who now spend a lot less time with her is extremely hard. You can't expect her to cope better than you are. Developmentally she is not as good at your at controlling her emotions and she has little control of her life at this point, when she is upset try to call upon logical expectations and empathy to not feel like a sociopath and really connect with her, try to see things from her side and then you might see some of her needs that are not being met.  

You called her a toddler in your post and she has some toddler behaviors but she is now in the "preschooler" category. If she loves school she might like more structure or responsibilities at home, an important chore she can do all by herself (no pressure of course if she isn't interested or doesn't do it, someone else do it and don't make an issue of it, the chore is for her benefit to feel pride in herself)  Try to give her lots of choices as often as you can and take an interest in her interests, whatever they are really try to get interested in it and learn about it to show her she is important to you.  If you show her the good parts of responsibility (freedom and pride) she will be more likely to want to be  a big girl and stop the toddler behaviors. 

As for your depression, what works for me is good diet (cruciferous veggies, lots of water, high protein) and EXERCISE. Maybe you can take a walk with the whole family daily? and do body weight stuff at home if you are short on time, I do yoga (strength training, flexibility, meditation/introspection ALL IN ONE)

Maybe getting the junk food out of your house will help your daughter with digestion too, she could be having minor constipation problems. Up her water and fruit intake? Has she tried all the fruits at the grocery store? Maybe let her make a fruit salad all by herself? Fruit salad, yummy, yummy. Freedom around food will help her to feel more responsible for herself, so give her healthy choices and leave her alone about it, unless there is a major issue, she will eat. 

Anticipating her needs and reactions is going to help you modify your behavior so the tantrums will stop, you can't expect to come at bedtime, meal time and bath time the same way every time and get a different response the more you try to do things the way that cause the tantrums the more the tantrums will become ingrained. Does she need a nap at 4pm? Can you put something on for her to watch a relax at 3pm? What is going on around the tantrums is very important to stopping the behavior.  What time is her bed time? What does her mother becoming upset that causes you to rage look like?

If you slapped her and don't feel bad, are you really interested in peaceful parenting? Slapping her and locking her in her room are selfish and petty. To peaceful parent you have to change your thinking about parenting, you have to have empathy for your child and understand she is not trying to piss you off, she is trying to communicate her needs that aren't being met. I think her lack of coping skills is directly related to her relationship with her parents, the therapist that said this isn't the case is probably not a good one for her. What has her therapist suggested you do at home? 

 

I really hope you call in, maybe you and your wife?