Where should I live?

[Ronin_3000]

I'll list the places I've lived and the pros and cons of each. Feel free to suggest brand new places that I haven't lived in yet.

Beijing, China-
pros: relatively cheap, easy to get laid, good public transportation, sense of freedom (think '70s hippy type of freedom), conversational level Mandarin, easy to find work
cons: bad food, dirty, noisy, slow Internet because VPN is required for Google services, can't play Pokemon GO

Osaka, Japan-
pros: best food, clean, quiet, good public transportation, best Internet, fluent in Japanese
cons: expensive, hard to get laid (but easier than USA), hard to get a job without proper documentation, oppressive culture

Tri-state, USA-
pros: near parental safety net, native level English
cons: mediocre food, shit public transportation, hard to get laid, expensive

[barn]

Hi @Ronin_3000

 

1 hour ago, Ronin_3000 said:

I'll list the places I've lived and the pros and cons of each. Feel free to suggest brand new places that I haven't lived in yet.

Beijing, China-
pros: relatively cheap, easy to get laid, good public transportation, sense of freedom (think '70s hippy type of freedom), conversational level Mandarin, easy to find work
cons: bad food, dirty, noisy, slow Internet because VPN is required for Google services, can't play Pokemon GO

Osaka, Japan-
pros: best food, clean, quiet, good public transportation, best Internet, fluent in Japanese
cons: expensive, hard to get laid (but easier than USA), hard to get a job without proper documentation, oppressive culture

Tri-state, USA-
pros: near parental safety net, native level English
cons: mediocre food, shit public transportation, hard to get laid, expensive

 

Which of these places would have the people that you consider hold the most similar values as you?

What values are you looking for in a place?

[Ronin_3000]

I guess China since I value freedom, and you can do more in China than you can in Japan or America. For example, you can sell shit pretty much anywhere without a permit. At least I don't think these people get permits. Companies also regularly hire workers on tourist visas. These workers have to leave the country every 2-3 months to renew their visas though.

I see China as de-jure oppressive, but de-facto free. What I mean by that is China's laws are probably as strict (or stricter) as any other state, but in practice, many of these laws aren't enforced. This is one thing I don't like about China. Chinese lie. The non-enforcement of certain laws just one reflection of this lying culture.

[barn]

7 hours ago, Ronin_3000 said:

I guess China since I value freedom, and you can do more in China than you can in Japan or America. For example, you can sell shit pretty much anywhere without a permit. At least I don't think these people get permits. Companies also regularly hire workers on tourist visas. These workers have to leave the country every 2-3 months to renew their visas though.

I see China as de-jure oppressive, but de-facto free. What I mean by that is China's laws are probably as strict (or stricter) as any other state, but in practice, many of these laws aren't enforced. This is one thing I don't like about China. Chinese lie. The non-enforcement of certain laws just one reflection of this lying culture.

Most people I have met in Europe having lived in China have mixed feelings about the country, they usually say something along the lines of 'weird wild west' but obviously all that matters is how you feel about it.

I asked that, because I think it is much easier to see yourself happy in an environment where people share your values. There's no place with only pros or a location with just bad stuff but I made some pretty awful decisions to appreciate some places / types of people more, while others I try to avoid.

If you asked me how to maximise your decision making process, I'd figure out what truly was essential for your happiness. What sorts of people you seem to get along better than others. Self-knowledge.

[Ronin_3000]

I was happy when playing video games with friends. My best friend stopped talking to me one day though so I don't have that happiness anymore.

[barn]

53 minutes ago, Ronin_3000 said:

I was happy when playing video games with friends. My best friend stopped talking to me one day though so I don't have that happiness anymore.

I'm very sorry, I had lost a best friend too.

In my case though, it was because I had chosen wrongly... When I dug deep about it with help, I 'unearthed a forest-full' of previously ignored red-flags. Not strange at all, having realised how inept my parents were themselves and I was kinda still young.

I made new friends since then, mistakes too but fewer patterns emerged after each 'endeavour'. For me at least.

Have you heard about 'hedonic adaptation'?

[Ronin_3000]

This is the first I've heard of it.

[barn]

17 minutes ago, Ronin_3000 said:

This is the first I've heard of it.

What do you think its meaning is, roughly speaking?

[Ronin_3000]

Happiness and misery aren't states you can reach and then chill there forever. Your body will become numb to any given situation over time, so you have to do new things if you want to be happy or miserable.

[barn]

26 minutes ago, Ronin_3000 said:

Happiness and misery aren't states you can reach and then chill there forever. Your body will become numb to any given situation over time, so you have to do new things if you want to be happy or miserable.

Fair enough, what do you think that says about having spent a long time in one state... how much it will take to achieve an increase? (from the perspective of the person)

[Ronin_3000]

The longer you've spent in one state, the less action required for you to become happy or unhappy.

It's like drugs. If you don't do drugs for a long time then your tolerance gets built up and it takes less drugs to get you high.

[barn]

Is it also true, that it's possible to think we were ok, though we just got used to being sad, got used to pain?

Alternatively,

To feel lacking something but only we've been just in a state of contempt, without any challenge. or discomfort?

[barn]

31 minutes ago, Ronin_3000 said:

The longer you've spent in one state, the less action required for you to become happy or unhappy.

It's like drugs. If you don't do drugs for a long time then your tolerance gets built up and it takes less drugs to get you high.

Sorry, didn't acknowledge them.

I think you are right, spending more time in a state makes it more 'accessible' than the other. But how about achieving an increase in the same state? Does it get easier or harder?

I disagree with the second part about the drugs. Isn't increased tolerance that actually makes for an increase in the intake for the same desired effect? As in: the less someone uses, the lower their tolerance gets.

[Ronin_3000]

9 minutes ago, barn said:

Is it also true, that it's possible to think we were ok, though we just got used to being sad, got used to pain?

Alternatively,

To feel lacking something but only we've been just in a state of contempt, without any challenge. or discomfort?

Yeah, your first statement about sadness makes sense to me.

I think your second statement about challenge encompasses my problem. I don't have any particular challenge that I want to take on. Should I just move to China and do a job I don't even enjoy in the meantime? I've done this twice, and it's resulted in me self-sabotaging after a while because I get bored with my job. Then I get fired and move back in with my parents.

4 minutes ago, barn said:

I think you are right, spending more time in a state makes it more 'accessible' than the other. But how about achieving an increase in the same state? Does it get easier or harder?

Not sure what you mean by this. I'm saying the longer you've been in a routine, the less change it takes to make you happy or unhappy.

7 minutes ago, barn said:

 

I disagree with the second part about the drugs. Isn't increased tolerance that actually makes for an increase intake for the same desired effect? As in: the less someone uses, the lower their tolerance gets.

I misworded that. I should've said your tolerance for drugs gets lower if you don't do drugs for a while.

[barn]

Like, this? (changed it a bit)

4 hours ago, Ronin_3000 said:

Not sure what you mean by this. I'm saying the longer you've been in a routine, the less change it takes to make you happier or sadder.

I don't think that it's accurate, here's why:

Imagine, having thrown darts for ages makes you good at generally scoring close to the inner circle, occasionally scoring right in the middle (accessible = happy). Trying to strike bullseye twice, consequently, is harder (increase = happier) and there's the added payoff for reaching a goal on top, the learning curve and new opportunities.

Why would you not try reaching the next logical step in improvement? Staying instead a mediocre darts player? That's stale, boring, empty. Isn't that wasting opportunity if you were closer to reaching your goal, than most of whom can't even manage it within the outer areas?

Question is, what does your dart and board look like?

4 hours ago, Ronin_3000 said:

I don't have any particular challenge that I want to take on.

Have you been looking for one?

4 hours ago, Ronin_3000 said:

Should I just move to China and do a job I don't even enjoy in the meantime? I've done this twice, and it's resulted in me self-sabotaging after a while because I get bored with my job. Then I get fired and move back in with my parents.

I don't understand, why would you want to do that to yourself again if it had been a negative experience to you, twice. It doesn't make sense to me.

Hmm.. not sure though. Why do you think you had self-sabotaged? Why didn't you just quit?

4 hours ago, Ronin_3000 said:

[...]... I should've said... [...] 

Gotcha, slip of a tongue. It happens to us all.

Edited April 19, 2018 by barn
grrrmer

[Ronin_3000]

12 minutes ago, barn said:

I don't understand, why would you want to do that to yourself again if it had been a negative experience to you, twice. It doesn't make sense to me.

I need to get a job, and I'll be able to get laid relatively easily in China.

12 minutes ago, barn said:

Why do you think you had self-sabotaged? Why didn't you just quit?

Didn't have any better opportunities lined up. It was also a pain to move since I took a lot of luggage.

To be clear, I self-sabotaged twice in China and once in Japan.

 

12 minutes ago, barn said:

Question is, what does your dart and board look like?

I play cellphone games that don't take much skill.

[barn]

8 minutes ago, Ronin_3000 said:

I need to get a job, and I'll be able to get laid relatively easily in China.

I'm a bit confused about the motivation here... Are you saying you are considering to put yourself through what hasn't worked already twice for a random job and some relative easy access to some random women?

11 minutes ago, Ronin_3000 said:

Why do you think you had self-sabotaged? Why didn't you just quit?

 

11 minutes ago, Ronin_3000 said:

Didn't have any better opportunities lined up. It was also a pain to move since I took a lot of luggage.

Did you enjoy working in any of those jobs?

[Ronin_3000]

7 minutes ago, barn said:

I'm a bit confused about the motivation here... Are you saying you are considering to put yourself through what hasn't worked already twice for a random job and some relative easy access to some random women?

Yes, because my dad wants me to move out or go to school. I can either get a shitty job in a place that I'm not confident in getting laid (USA), or a job in a place where I am confident that I can get laid (China). I'm not interested in going to school since I'd have to go into debt for a potentially useless education.

7 minutes ago, barn said:

Did you enjoy working in any of those jobs?

I enjoyed parts of them, but those parts technically weren't part of the actual jobs. Overall I did not enjoy them. For example, I worked as an assistant teacher, and I enjoyed playing with the judo club after school in one of the Japanese public schools I was at.

[barn]

2 minutes ago, Ronin_3000 said:

I'm a bit confused about the motivation here... Are you saying you are considering to put yourself through what hasn't worked already twice for a random job and some relative easy access to some random women?

 

2 minutes ago, Ronin_3000 said:

Yes, because my dad wants me to move out or go to school. I can either get a shitty job in a place that I'm not confident in getting laid (USA), or a job in a place where I am confident that I can get laid (China). I'm not interested in going to school since I'd have to go into debt for a potentially useless education.

Now, that makes much more sense to me, also I appreciate you sharing that. (Sorry just a reminder might be helpful, this is public)

Okay. So, it's actually stranger to me this way... I can understand the being horny part (urges 'n all). What I don't is why wouldn't you work out a deal with your dad. I mean, you're only wasting both of your time...

 ° his time, by not really doing what he hopes you would (self-sabotaged, probably because you didn't agree with it the first place, right?!)

° yours, because you aren't achieving anything other than self-soothing in the moment until the next wave of unbearable feelings arrive

It's rather an animalistic way of living.

No disrespect, I don't mean to be other than give you my truthful impression, fully capable to correct or withdraw if necessary. But it does seem like you are pissed off.

[barn]

A quick question. What does / Does "Ronin" mean anything?

[Ronin_3000]

8 minutes ago, barn said:

What I don't is why wouldn't you work out a deal with your dad. I mean, you're only wasting both of your time...

The idea was for me to find something I enjoy like construction or plumbing. I'm no longer interested in those things though. My dad gave me a deadline of September to move out or go to school.

4 minutes ago, barn said:

A quick question. What does / Does "Ronin" mean anything?

It means masterless samurai or a recent graduate without a job in Japan. It's a name I used for video games. I didn't choose it originally. My friend used it as his Runescape name, and we shared the account.

[barn]

1 minute ago, Ronin_3000 said:

The idea was for me to find something I enjoy like construction or plumbing. I'm no longer interested in those things though. My dad gave me a deadline of September to move out or go to school.

It doesn't sound like it was you who came up with this idea, on your own.

Did you come up with this idea or it was pressured onto you?

2 minutes ago, Ronin_3000 said:

It means masterless samurai or a recent graduate without a job in Japan.

It does seem, you have a lord.

[Ronin_3000]

7 minutes ago, barn said:

It doesn't sound like it was you who came up with this idea, on your own.

Did you come up with this idea or it was pressured onto you?

At the time I thought I might enjoy those things. I didn't have any better ideas at the time. It was my dad's idea for me to live with him. I don't think the idea of finding a career I enjoy was pressured onto me. I may have felt pressured because of the situation. I'd been in a detention center for assault, and my dad paid to get me out.

7 minutes ago, barn said:

It does seem, you have a lord.

What?

[barn]

1 minute ago, Ronin_3000 said:

At the time I thought I might enjoy those things. I didn't have any better ideas at the time. It was my dad's idea for me to live with him. I don't think the idea of finding a career I enjoy was pressured onto me.

How did you come up with that specific trade? Why did you think you were going to enjoy doing it?

2 minutes ago, Ronin_3000 said:

It does seem, you have a lord.

Samurais belonged to their master, lord... if my memory serves me correctly. Later, I'd like to focus on the other question if you are ok with that.

[Ronin_3000]

1 minute ago, barn said:

How did you come up with that specific trade? Why did you think you were going to enjoy doing it?

I hated sitting down so much being a teacher and preparing lessons. I thought a job where I get to move around might be fun. Also, I imagined being a plumber and having sex with lonely milfs like in Manchester by the Sea.

[barn]

Is it fair to say, you did a subpar research to figure out what should be next in your career?

Have you discussed it with anyone while you were considering it?

[Ronin_3000]

I just thought I should try something new. I didn't think that much research was necessary since I'd seen people doing construction.

I didn't do any substantial discussions. I mentioned it to some people. I met some guys at a gym who did demolition work with sledgehammers. It sounded fun to me.

[barn]

Well,... yeah. Seeing strangers do stuff is quite different from ourselves actually being in the situation. (obviously)

2 hours ago, Ronin_3000 said:

I didn't do any substantial discussions. I mentioned it to some people. I met some guys at a gym who did demolition work with sledgehammers. It sounded fun to me.

It sounds like you weren't invested in making sure that your choice was actually going to work out.

It's not that I'm judging you or anything, I'm just not sure if you see what I see.

 

Edited April 19, 2018 by barn
grrrmer

[Ronin_3000]

I talked to an owner of a construction company who was an old friend's dad. He seemed interested in hiring me, but then he didn't because I had no experience.

I'm not sure why I lost interest in construction. I think the only reason I was interested in the first place was because I was fed up with teaching.

[barn]

When people possess a good level of self-knowledge, vet their ideas with their support groups... accidents and slight missteps might still occur but not things as just loosing interest 'evaporation - style'.

To put so little effort into planning is planning to fail. Things such as how to narrow down on what moves you and what will be keeping you interested on the long run are learnable skills. Most commonly, the first people to demonstrate/pass on knowledge regarding it are parents. I suppose they didn't help you figure out these things, neither before you had chosen to go for teaching.

It's almost as if you were left to your own devices, with no prior experience.

[Ronin_3000]

21 minutes ago, barn said:

It's almost as if you were left to your own devices, with no prior experience.

Pretty much. My boomer parents think that going to college is the key to success. Beyond that, they have no useful advice. My mom's advice is "pick one thing, get really good at it, and people will pay you for it." But she never did that. She works non-jobs for government sponsored organizations. A high-schooler could probably do a better job than her. I think she only gets hired because she's old and has a college degree.

My dad used to email me stupid inspiring quotes said by famous people. He is a fat, miserable (from my perspective), independent lawyer so I wonder if he even has any decent advice for me. One time I asked if he would train me to take over his business, but he said I should go to law school first. I'm done with school. It's never done me much good thus far. I only got a slightly higher salary than people without degrees in China.

My dad did introduce me to construction people when I said I was interested in construction though. I guess he missed a step of finding out what I'm really interested in though. He thinks I need to try something for a year before I know if I like it or not. I think that's absurd. A year of trial is much too long in my opinion.

[barn]

24 minutes ago, Ronin_3000 said:

Pretty much. My boomer parents think that going to college is the key to success. Beyond that, they have no useful advice. My mom's advice is "pick one thing, get really good at it, and people will pay you for it." But she never did that. She works non-jobs for government sponsored organizations. A high-schooler could probably do a better job than her. I think she only gets hired because she's old and has a college degree.

My dad used to email me stupid inspiring quotes said by famous people. He is a fat, miserable (from my perspective), independent lawyer so I wonder if he even has any decent advice for me. One time I asked if he would train me to take over his business, but he said I should go to law school first. I'm done with school. It's never done me much good thus far. I only got a slightly higher salary than people without degrees in China.

My dad did introduce me to construction people when I said I was interested in construction though. I guess he missed a step of finding out what I'm really interested in though.

They didn't care if you asked me.

My argument is, that if they did you would have been asked at least a dozen questions, suggested another dozen ideas BASED ON your responses AND followed through to make sure if you needed anything else they could've offered. It might sound like I'm exaggerating but actually I'm not... I'm not, it's not rocket science at all to take an hour of your day and really sit down with someone who you supposed to help and just be there for them, attentive, resourceful. Gosh, probably I'm even skipping half of it. Honestly. Dude! Hallmark card bs and worthless platitudes...? And you suppose to know suddenly what they couldn't explain to you? Not ok.

It's YOUR life man! One thing is them not being there for you, another is you not demonstrating enough SELF-CARE, of course you didn't evaluate properly.

Dude! Are you aware of replication of the same lack of interest to your own well-being as what your parents demonstrated to you?

Are you sure it's the smart thing to do? (Yes, I think you have 'smarts'...)

[Ronin_3000]

My dad used to try and talk to me, but I told him I don't like talking to him so he stopped. He says he just wants me to be happy.

6 minutes ago, barn said:

Dude! Are you aware of replication of the same lack of interest to your own well-being as what your parents demonstrated to you?

Are you sure it's the smart thing to do? (Yes, I think you have 'smarts'...)

I don't know how to be interested in my well-being. I think my parents are interested in my well-being. I think they just don't know any better like me.

[barn]

1 minute ago, Ronin_3000 said:

I don't know how to be interested in my well-being. I think my parents are interested in my well-being. I think they just don't know any better like me.

Conflicting information creates paralysis.

If two person tells you opposite instructions for opening/leaving a window open, you'll be unable to satisfy both... what to do?

Luckily, there's solutions to each of your 'I don't know's/'I think's.

I'm not a trained professional with proven track record, please keep that in mind when reading my lines. I only care to share my thoughts and hope you get some ideas, insight... hopefully.

You need to pour clean water into the glass by verifying your own beliefs. I've expressed disagreement previously but that doesn't mean at all I am actually right. You know your parents more than anyone else so you are the best person in the world to have a conversation with them about these things and find out if what you said...

12 minutes ago, Ronin_3000 said:

I think my parents are interested in my well-being.

Because then, they'll certainly want to listen to all that you have to say.

12 minutes ago, Ronin_3000 said:

I think they just don't know any better like me.

They must have survived somehow, even if badly and your life would be only 5% better, wouldn't you want to get any help you can het? Beats having nothing, right?

Because if you don't, you'll go again to China, self-sabotage again but maybe this time you won't be able to move back. Then what?

You need to start planning, figuring stuff out. Start with having THE conversation with them.

[Ronin_3000]

What should I ask? How do I find a career I enjoy? Can I do it over email?