mhholder2011 Posted September 28, 2018 Share Posted September 28, 2018 When do you decide to let friends go, and what are the criteria for that decision? My fiance and I have been discussing this between ourselves. We both have a friend that tends to disappear and show back up sometimes with up to a year without having contact with us. The partners of both friends are also not exactly people that we admire. One is distant, and one treats the friend badly. I have said that I would no longer call them friends without contact. He disagrees. Thoughts? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
barn Posted September 28, 2018 Share Posted September 28, 2018 Hi @mhholder2011 Welcome to the board and posting! Barnsley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhholder2011 Posted September 28, 2018 Author Share Posted September 28, 2018 1 hour ago, barn said: Hi @mhholder2011 Welcome to the board and posting! Barnsley Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Siegfried von Walheim Posted September 28, 2018 Share Posted September 28, 2018 (edited) I think it's complicated, but also simple (depending on your circumstances; I'll try to keep it abstract-ish since I don't wanna make false assumptions). If you know a guy, a guy you love like a brother, and that guy loves you like a brother, then you could go without seeing or hearing him for a decade and you'd still be brothers. However most of us don't have Sworn Brothers or Sisters. Most of us make friends based on how we were when we met them (like common hobbies, common quirks, common views, etc. etc.) and therefore lose them because as we evolve (or devolve), we shake off whatever made us "friends" to begin with. Therefore in order to know if Daniel, to give a name, is still your friend; simply ask yourself if you love him. Ask yourself if you find him a good, reliable, steady guy that really gels with you. If Daniel doesn't, then sadly that means you've both gone different paths and you have to just accept it and move on. A part of the issue you mentioned is that your friend (I'll keep calling him Daniel, and the other Samuel) have spouses/fiances (whatever you want to call them--I'll just say "wives" to keep it simple) that are basically bad news. Why are they married to bad news? Well, you may be too late in "saving them" therefore you're most likely best off cutting them off (ideally after sitting them down and giving them a heart-to-heart warning, as I think you owe them that if you really consider them your friends). However if they're girlfriend-boyfriend (i.e. not tied yet) then maybe you can be the bro who punches them in the balls and saves them from a lifetime of betadom. Having said that, you have to be prepared to take the gloves off and walk away (to recognize you can't help Dan or Sam with their bad spouses/dates and if you continue it'll just harm your own marriage/family prospects). Ultimately, I think it depends on 2 things: do you love your old friends (like LOVE them)? And do you think they'll be receptive to a heart-to-heart and get the Heck out of their slow-moving train crashes? If the answers to these questions are both "yes", then you know what to do. If either is "no" however... Well, sadly you know what that means (at best you can warn them, but then you must go). EDIT: It appears I got the genders backwards, but I don't really think that matters since I think my advice applies anyway. Edited September 28, 2018 by Siegfried von Walheim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
barn Posted September 28, 2018 Share Posted September 28, 2018 Hi @mhholder2011 I don't want to sound weird... Just seems... to me... it seems that's not the right question. or to put it in a different form: What does it tell you about that relationship if you are having thoughts like that? Which makes me wonder about a few other things but let's take this one step at a time, perhaps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhholder2011 Posted September 28, 2018 Author Share Posted September 28, 2018 Do you mean having the thought to discontinue my relationship with my friend? The reason I came to this conclusion is that it bothered me greatly when I would call to talk or have trouble in my life and she would not return my call. I tried to reconnect with her on a trip we took together, but it was a disaster. It seemed to be easier and less stressful if I ceased to care so much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
barn Posted September 28, 2018 Share Posted September 28, 2018 31 minutes ago, mhholder2011 said: Do you mean having the thought to discontinue my relationship with my friend? The reason I came to this conclusion is that it bothered me greatly when I would call to talk or have trouble in my life and she would not return my call. I tried to reconnect with her on a trip we took together, but it was a disaster. It seemed to be easier and less stressful if I ceased to care so much. Yes. That's exactly what I meant. Would you treat a friend like that? Are you treating someone like that? Why would anyone allow you to treat them like that? (can you think of reasons?) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
barn Posted September 28, 2018 Share Posted September 28, 2018 In my guestimation, 'that' stands for: 'We'll meet when I need something from you, otherwise I don't really think about you that much.' Is it close to what you've been sensing from her part? How did it go when you tried to bring it up? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhholder2011 Posted September 28, 2018 Author Share Posted September 28, 2018 1 minute ago, barn said: In my guestimation, 'that' stands for: 'We'll meet when I need something from you, otherwise I don't really think about you that much.' Is it close to what you've been sensing from her? That's what I told my fiance. The last two times she contacted me were when she was in financial trouble and when she wanted my advice on a dog. Since my wedding is coming up, she has been sending suggestions to me, but they fail to take in my feelings that I want a cheap informal wedding, so I don't count them. It seems more like she is living vicariously. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
barn Posted September 28, 2018 Share Posted September 28, 2018 (I'm ok with focusing on things that are more of an importance for you, at the same time I also don't want to miss possible, yet to be answered questions.) Please tell me, what do you admire about her? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhholder2011 Posted September 28, 2018 Author Share Posted September 28, 2018 17 minutes ago, barn said: (I'm ok with focusing on things that are more of an importance for you, at the same time I also don't want to miss possible, yet to be answered questions.) Please tell me, what do you admire about her? I admired her at one time for getting her life together. Her other sister was an absolute mess. She left home, got a degree, bought a house, and keeps up with all her obligations. Her downfall is she subsidizes others' obligations - the previously mentioned financial trouble. At times, I often felt she was making more of herself than I, but after her latest boyfriend, things seem to have begun collapsing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
barn Posted September 28, 2018 Share Posted September 28, 2018 1 minute ago, mhholder2011 said: I admired her at one time for getting her life together. Her other sister was an absolute mess. She left home, got a degree, bought a house, and keeps up with all her obligations. Her downfall is she subsidizes others' obligations - the previously mentioned financial trouble. At times, I often felt she was making more of herself than I, but after her latest boyfriend, things seem to have begun collapsing. Is that somewhere along the lines of: 'I don't admire her for anything currently, can't think of anything.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
barn Posted September 28, 2018 Share Posted September 28, 2018 How did the conversations go when you brought up your doubts, worries, preferences regarding how things would be better? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhholder2011 Posted September 28, 2018 Author Share Posted September 28, 2018 2 minutes ago, barn said: Is that somewhere along the lines of: 'I don't admire her for anything currently, can't think of anything.' No. Those things have continued to hold true. The home, degree, and job are all admirable. I don't admire her relationships, and she knows that which is partly why our relationship has declined. 1 minute ago, barn said: How did the conversations go when you brought up your doubts, worries, preferences regarding how things would be better? She wouldn't talk to me really. Pinterest and Facebook were more interesting. When she did talk, she agreed with me, but it seemed like once I left her vicinity it would revert back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
barn Posted September 29, 2018 Share Posted September 29, 2018 32 minutes ago, mhholder2011 said: 39 minutes ago, barn said: Is that somewhere along the lines of: 'I don't admire her for anything currently, can't think of anything.' No. Those things have continued to hold true. The home, degree, and job are all admirable. Erm... Admiring someone because they got a house, a degree and a job? Maybe I'm missing something and you mean stuff like: perseverance, ambition, self-care... 32 minutes ago, mhholder2011 said: I don't admire her relationships, and she knows that which is partly why our relationship has declined. Right. Probably the boyfriend mentioned earlier belongs/comes from the same group of people, correct? 32 minutes ago, mhholder2011 said: She wouldn't talk to me really. Pinterest and Facebook were more interesting. When she did talk, she agreed with me, but it seemed like once I left her vicinity it would revert back. Ouch. Ok, I think we aren't, haven't been talking about the real worry for you. The thing that is actually provoking anxiety for you. I could be totally wrong and please of course correct me if necessary. Is it correct that for some reason, you think you need to confront her and when you'll be telling her things that you know she won't take kindly, just thinking about it makes you feel anxious? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RichardY Posted September 29, 2018 Share Posted September 29, 2018 Before you get to a cliff. I suppose Aristotle might be useful. What you value and decide whether you are no longer compatible. Otherwise going to be aesthetics, like most people. "If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than because he was he, and I was I." Michel de Montaigne. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhholder2011 Posted September 29, 2018 Author Share Posted September 29, 2018 38 minutes ago, RichardY said: "If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than because he was he, and I was I." Michel de Montaigne. I really like that quote. But yes. I will watch out for the cliff. I'm going to stick stick to my values and ideas. When it gets past that, that will be the cliff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MahtiSonni Posted October 1, 2018 Share Posted October 1, 2018 On 9/28/2018 at 11:53 PM, mhholder2011 said: When do you decide to let friends go, and what are the criteria for that decision? I have let friends go for two reasons: drug use and disloyalty. Two very real things. The first is quite self explanatory - I don't want to hang around with people who use drugs. Even if said person is nice, the people around him are not, and if we're friends I'll be seeing those boogers eventually. The second was the sort who gave dismissive comments about my relationships and was fully expecting them to fail. I figured it does me no good to have that sort of friend around. My friendship does not wear with age. There are times I see people I love rarely - sometimes years go past - and that doesn't harm the relationship in the slightest. I know I have their back and they have mine, if the situation requires. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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