Jeremi

Hi again Wanderer, I had a lengthy response written out for you, but some kind of forum error made me lose my entire post so this version will unfortunately be far more hodge-podge than the first one. It sounds like in spite of the pain you feel now, this was a really good breakup for you. By good breakup I mean one in which many of your past illusions were shattered or at least reexamined and you can now do the work needed to begin to find the kind of relationships that will be compatible with your proclaimed virtues (not just romantically but with everybody in your life). The part you mentioned about him being babied by his mother and overall dependent on his parents came across as a big red flag for me and it might help to reflect on what kind of relationships (apart from their relationship with you) you would expect someone who you consider virtuous to have. My last ex used to say that she really couldn't stand her narcissistic, uncaring mother but on the other hand wanted to continue to have a strong relationship with her because "she's my mother and I love her". Thankfully that relationship didn't last long, but is it not amazing how quickly we abandon our rationale when emotional dependencies and sexual lust take over? Which is exactly why self-knowledge must come first so we don't get trapped repeating a lot of the same dysfunctional patterns we may have had in previous relationships. I understand the shame you might feel now but the more you reflect the more you may come to appreciate the clarity you've gained from this experience. I am certainly thankful now for what my last relationship taught me and I would just as soon throw a girl out on the street than ever succumb to the same type of emotional manipulation I experienced in the past. Anyway I'm happy to share more of my personal experiences if you want but this may not be the best place for it. I'd also seriously taken into consideration what Markus has said, he has courageously walked the path of self-knowledge as much as anyone I know.

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Yes don't be a Joan of Arc, she was burned at the stake after all.

Wanderer, I'm glad you have been able to reflect on this and gain some clarity. It goes without saying but I would caution you against selling yourself short again or settling for a guy that you can "mold" into what you want. It's one thing if both people are committed to personal growth in a mutual framework of honesty and integrity, it's quite another when one partner is trying to drag the other into greater virtue. Good luck!

Hi Wanderer, I'm just getting caught up in this thread and thought to offer my view if it is at all useful. I see your anger as completely justified, as it more or less seems his virtues were just more a function of how he wanted to be seen by you, rather than likely much of anything he actually holds as a real principle in his life. Still, I don't know enough about this man to say for sure, but it certainly seems to me like the initial impressions you might have formed about him were skewed not just by inexperience but the fact you found each other in a foreign country. In the same way that you might go out of your way to greet and converse with another American (or Canadian or whatever) that you happen to run across while submerged in a far off foreign country, this might have heightened your sense of attachment for him in the initial stage which otherwise might not have been the same back home. I concur with what previous posters have said now about taking the time to refine your criteria for the future and letting introspection be your guide moving forward. After all, how can you expect to trust a man with the most intimate details of who you are, if you have not yet taken the full time required to discover them yourself?

I don't think any IQ test would posit any kind of correlation with future economic output or success of any kind. That's not really the point of testing IQ, it is more just an assessment of analytical intelligence which may or may not be applied by that individual in the future. In general I think a lot of extremely high IQ people tend to end up working in rather mundane professions. Rick Rosner for example was a waiter in LA for many years before breaking into television writing. Christopher Langan was a club bouncer for decades. IQ is clearly not enough to forge the drive and purpose needed to achieve great things. But that is not to say it is not in itself a useful rubric for determining how well a person might understand advanced concepts and solve for complicated problems.

Why are you equating a wedding with marriage? Just go to a courthouse and sign the form. If she wants the wedding then that's a separate issue.

Sorry to hear that Violet. I can understand the temptation to want to heal these old wounds but it can only work when both parties are really truly ready. Let us know if you want to talk about this further.

Anytime someone has done great wrong to you, any apology after the fact needs to be approached with tremendous suspicion. This is difficult to do because you are deeply emotionally invested in him of course and you want to believe in the best. But look at his apology carefuly, this is a very, very common tactic for narcissists or others who lack real empathy: "I'm sorry for what I did but I had to do it because of x, y, z." Do you get that that is not an apology? It's what Stef likes to call a Bullshit Non-Apology. Real genuine apologies require a deep level of empathy, patience to listen and understand what the person went through when the offense was committed, no backing out or offerring excuses for it. True empathy would be to not let the ones you love drown, no matter the burden or cost. And further he knows the hell that you have gone through and continue to go through and that makes it all the more terrible. I don't know your brother, I am only trying to give you a point of view of objective skepticism. You have to ask yourself whenever long-absent people want to return to your life: "Am I able to disconnect from the emotional draw of the situation and view the facts objectively or am I so emotionally invested in this person returning in my life that I have to believe he/she has really changed?". If he really has learned some level of empathy for you, then you need to put that to the test immediately before going further. Get him on the phone again, talk about all your concerns and fears, talk about the pain you felt. See if he can handle it. Don't allow him to make excuses or try to censor you in any way. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know. I'll share with you this poem which has been deeply meaningful for me. I hope it resonates with you as well.

This is a topic that I've been pondering for a while now. It seems to be that often times the "Frontline" of attacks against most MRA related content and events has a core of rabid Male Feminists. These Men usually lob the "misogyny" bomb with great frequency and trumpet the "check mah priviledge" style of Feminist indoctrination. Perhaps so many Men are involved in the battle against Men because a large number of them were raised by single mothers, or (as in my case) present but weak Father figures. One also cannot ignore the liberal/leftist connection to Feminism which necessitates Men on the left preserving the "party line" so to speak. I wonder then what others think can be done in the short term to empower young male feminists to pull them out of the estrogen based Junta and into freedom for their mind and balls?

Good video but I felt it needed more focus on the militarization of police in America as that is another poignant issue that this shooting has brought the foreground.

Putting aside for the moment the issue of being inside the Lion's den so to speak, are you comfortable with being 27 and having no income or mounting work experience that would eventually leave to you achieving independence (at least not that I gathered in your post)? This I think is the more pressing question, since the issue is more than just you continuing to live there, but you continuing to live there with zero apparent mechanism for reversing that. You are 27, time is not your ally in this equation.

It does not even follow that what the majority of people choose would even logically benefit them. The majority votes quite often for things that harm them in the long term, or even short term.

I think given his recent death due to heroin overdose, it would be interesting to see a video on actors that overdose (i.e. Heath Ledger, Chris Farley, River Phoenix, Belushi, etc.). It may also be worth noting that Hoffman was a father of three. I personally have a hard time feeling too affected by deaths like these coming out of excess and a complete surrender to vice over virtue. Stef's take would be interesting in any case.

If you have the time, I think my dream post in this same board may offer some insights into your relationship with your father.