Seriously, whenever I'm happy about an interaction or something in general that I've done, I develop this inescapable and lingering compulsion to look at myself and try to put myself in the skin of those who were in contact with me. Would Alice Miller say it's a case of narcissism? I think it is very "narcissistic", not in a bad way, just not good at all. It does remind me of the book Drama of the Gifted Child. Am I one of those children with volcanic borderline personalities? Well, I think so. I usually escape using... intense and relentless entertainment.
If you want, I can give you specific examples of that. I have a whole metal dumpster of examples lying in my apartment.
It's been a while since I've been happy in the company of somebody else, but I'm guessing that in my mind there's something intolerable about being happy at all.
Do you think you can help me with that?