creakins

Hi, A number of times, I've heard Stef talk about the three main factors for success in life: 1. Graduate from High School 2. Hold a job for longer than 5 years 3. Don't get pregnant until you are married or in a committed long term relationship. I'm not sure if I'm quoting these correctly, and if you have a more clear version of these factors that Stef has brought up, please correct me. What I'm looking for is the research behind these claims. I don't dispute it, but at the same time, I am very interested in the science behind it. Anybody have any leads. I keep pulling up blanks. Thank you!

Oh I'm being careful for sure... but the dialog has been started, and not be me. So that is a plus. If things don't go well, then the options will be way more clear. But at the same time, craving this relationship, I'm sure, is a normal want. Even when I was talking with my therapist, the idea of having this conversation was to try and build a relationship, not to confront to tear something that was already broken further apart. I'm sure her attempt was aimed at having the same result. I think de-foing should only be done if you've attempted a repair first, unless of course the abuse was so horrible there is no way to heal the relationships. Yes, my mother abused me. But I'm going to try and see the positive light while being cautious of course. Thank you for your response. C

Right!? I'm stunned

Yes.. I'd be happy to elaborate. I was cooking some food, and she sat at the kitchen table and went into detail about how horrible it was to yell, scream and hit me when I was younger. She didn't do any of the standard - its because of... bullshit. Just said, "It must have been horrible!" and "are you okay?" and "is there anything I can do to repair this." I felt stunned. My relationship had been just functional, well, more a utility kind of thing. I kept conversations to a bare necessity kind of thing. I never made any phone calls or visits unless I was coming to get something or see my Dad. I had been having no conversations with her whatsoever, other than the standard hello, and goodbyes as I came and went. This was something that I wanted to talk to her about, but I was building to it with my therapist. In the moment I felt scared. I was primed for a fight. I thought that there was going to be a condition tabled, a request for me to do something for her. But there wasn't. I sat with it for a few days, and I felt terribly sad. It was almost as if I was sad to let this pain go. I don't think I have let the pain go. It served me so well. But the truth is, I am beginning to see that I don't need the pain or the hurt, and I have been able to have short conversations about things that mean a lot to me with no judgement. She, even as a devote Catholic, has accepted my atheism with no judgement. None of this, I'll pray for you shit, she used to say. She has even asked about my musical endeavours and said that she'd like to see me play. She has never come to one of my concerts, even when I was a teenager, just getting started. Lastly, she has offered to help me financially, with my therapy. In therapy yesterday we talked about this in detail. Trying to discover what to do with all the emotions that are coming out of this is overwhelming. I've asked her to take it slowly, and she is giving me my space. A nearly 60 year old woman, who was bat shit crazy, a drinker and a screamer seems to have come to a place of clarity. I have seen a number of changes in her behavior over the past few years though. She quit drinking about 14 years ago, I was a teenager when she stopped. She transferred the addiction to the church. Although she still goes to church, it's no longer fire and brimstone. She has friends, and in a small town, she can be social with people her age, who encourage her to make healthier decisions. Yes... they believe in some crazy stuff, but this crazy stuff is serving her a friend base that is showing to be extremely valuable. The yelling has completely stopped. The storming off and hiding in her room while calling me or my brothers names has stopped. She has even started cooking her own meals, going to a naturopath for preventative health measures and taken up a dance/yoga workout class. If I had this mom as a child, things would have turned out differently for sure. The mom I knew as a kid would get drunk. Make me mix her drinks and punish me if I didn't get it right. I rolled her cigarettes as a 6 and 7 year old. I did enjoy the rolling machine. If I left a dirty glass in a room, didn't put my stuff away, or get amazing marks in school it would be a yelling fest in the home. She would berate me. Sometimes she would be really happy... like nuts happy, dancing and singing at the top of her lungs. She would force me to dance with her, and if I protested, I would get hit or yelled at. She would use the threat of my father to scare me. I would sometimes have to stand in the corner in the kitchen with my hands over my head for what felt like hours. She mentioned all of these things and said that she knew that all this was bad and that sometimes she would act and then feel like crap afterwards, but she didn't want to face it because it would mean difficult change. She has said that the change has not been as difficult as she once thought, she just needed to act and then keep up the momentum. I hope this helps with the elaboration. I'm waiting and watching carefully to see if this behavior is going to be maintained, but there doesn't seem to be much of the old mother I once knew left.

So I was standing in my kitchen when my Mother showed up. Usually, I would get very anxious and uncomfortable. But this time she said that she needed to tell me something. She then went into a long apology and asked me how I felt. Said that she would be willing to do anything to try and build that relationship that was never built as a child. I had been going to Therapy for a while at this point. I hadn't talked to her about anything, and was working out how to approach the subject with her with my therapist. There was nothing expected from the apology. Nothing. Not even a relationship, as she said that she knows that asking for a relationship now was terribly difficult, but she was willing to put the time in. I was taken off guard. But Holy Shit... I'm not going to lie, this was a moving moment. My knees went weak, and my heart nearly stopped. I couldn't place the feeling. We are talking. She is making the initiatives. This is so out of her normal pattern that it has to be true. For the first time in twenty years, I trust her. Parents can change. She started doing self work and therapy herself and acted towards starting to repair the damage of her past. I felt that this should be shared with this community. Not to give anyone false hope. Not for any reason but to say that this has happened... the evidence for change exists. Thank you for reading. C

Wow! Thank you soo much! I am going to work on that tonight and tomorrow. That is amazingly valuable advice. Thank you.

The woman I am dating is 29 and she has been friends with the "chick-engaged-to-Cuban-Dude" for over 20 years. Hi Everyone, From what I'm gathering, the best course of action is to RTR with her. If being open and honest with her brings about manipulation and anger, I leave, and if she can see the issue with her friend and is truly open and honest, than maybe this is worth pursuing. There are a lot of perspectives here that I really value and I want to thank you all for your insight. I am going to see her this Thursday. I am going to try some RTR and see where it goes, but I think I have to spend a little more time really digesting the fantastic advice here. I asked a friend of mine last night over dinner, and he and his wife said that at this stage in the game, being there for a friend trumps going on a date with some new guy. But their suggestion was to drop it entirely, which obviously, I am unable to do because I am feeling something. I'm feeling scared to be honest. Approaching that fear with honesty is something I should do. Thank you for your support!!

Hi Everyone. I have recently gone on a couple of dates with a girl I met on an online dating site. We really hit it off within the first two dates, and have been really able to communicate at a high level of honesty. There was a little red flag that popped up on the first date though that I recognized and said that I would investigate it a little more thoroughly. I do plan on having a conversation about this subject with this girl to see where she stands, but I was hoping to get some clarity before I have this discussion. Here's the issue: She is fiercely loyal to her friends and will back her friends up even if they are making a bad decision. I disagree with this. I would do anything in my power to protect my friends from making bad decisions, even if this meant that I don't take their side. She told me of how her best friend fell in love with a local cuban man while on vacation at a cuban resort. Her friend has never had any luck with men in Canada. When I saw a picture of her friend, I could safely say that she wasn't very physically attractive. But granted, I have not met this woman. I was then showed a picture of the man who she has fallen in love with in Cuba, and heck, although I'm straight, I'd fall for this guy! My initial reaction was to question the motives of this relationship and bring up the possibility of being manipulated to escape an oppressive country. I was told that everyone brings this up, but her friend is madly in love. The cuban man has proposed to this girl, although they have only spent 5 days together in person. If this was my friend, I'd make it clear that there was some hormonal blinding taking place here. I wouldn't let my friend make this decision based on some skype conversations and one trip to a resort. This woman's parents are completely against this union. If I did this, my parents would also be completely against this union because they would want to protect me from this blinding. The fact that her parents are not supportive is causing her a great deal of emotional angst. Personally, she's not my friend. I don't have any information about this woman other than what I've told you here. I also don't feel I have any relationship built with either parties to express my opinion in a way that would matter. That's fine. I had the weekend open this past weekend and had planned to hang out with this new girl. I was really looking forward to it. She bailed on me to be there for her friend who was upset with her parents for not supporting her engagement. She texted me part way through the day just because she was a little bored. Her friend just wanted company while she wallowed in front of the TV on a beautiful sunny sunday summer day. Because this was what the friend wanted, she was going to do it. She could have chosen a day on the beach with a picnic lunch with me, which was the original plan. I felt fine originally about the bailing on the date, but after this text, felt highly annoyed that I was put on the backburner for a TV date. So two things going on here. She is supporting her friend in making a rash decision. She is bailing on me to do this. I plan on having a conversation with this new girl in my life. But I don't know if this is a huge warning sign, or if I should just let this go. My concern is that I will invest the time in getting to know this girl, but any instability her friends experience, will become her instability, in which I am going to have to hear about. Who wants that in their life? Any advice would be hugely appreciated.

Hi, A friend of mine was on a conference over the weekend. During this conference he ended up sleeping with a woman. A month ago he bought a house and moved in with his girlfriend though, and he has found himself in this predicament. He has confessed this to me, and probably will not confess this to anyone else. When I told him that I felt that being honest was going to be the key to his happiness, he said that the fact that he cheated means that he just has to work harder in the relationship. Yet being honest about his actions doesn't fall under the category of working harder. In fact, he's going to work harder at being more dishonest. I made this clear to him, and he has decided that telling his girlfriend about his actions is going to ruin everything that he has worked so hard to build with her over the past few years and will find him, more than likely, without his girlfriend and no longer owning the home he shares. To add gas to this fire, the girl that he is with is a keeper. Not a bone of crazy. Raised right. Works really hard, has a great job and career, and loves my friend to death. I really care for this young lady. I don't know what to say to my friend, or what advice to give him. I really want to give him the right advice, honest advice. I have told him that he needs to tell his girlfriend because hiding this act is only going to build a relationship on lies from this point forward. What advice would you give to a friend in this situation? At what cost? C

Hi Everyone, I'm hoping to get some advice on this rather complicated situation. The factual backstory: I currently live at home with my parents. I moved here to be closer to work. I work as an elementary school teacher. I dislike my job terribly, and recently discovered that to be true to myself I need to find work, or start my own business. To do this, I've safely taken a year leave of absence, because I am still in debt from school, and am able to return to work if anything happens where I fail. This doesn't fully kick in until September of 2014, but I am off work at the end of June. I don't want to have to go back to being an elementary school teacher, but it is really hard to leave a secure full time job. My family history has been really rough. My recent discoveries through therapy has helped me understand that my mother is highly abusive raising, and she uses the church to rationalize her actions. My father, although less abusive than my mother, has always been her protector also helping her rationalize her abusive behavior. When I came to this realization I decided to make the move to leave home, leave my work, and find an apartment in a bigger city to increase my chances at success with my new start up business. I found an apartment and I am scheduled to move in June 1st. All of this has happened in the past two months. I was feeling really great about all the changes until this past Monday evening when my Dad was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. All the talk around the house is about how my parents were unprepared for this financially. It has not been implicitly stated by anyone that it is wrong for me to continue on my path to success. I feel a huge amount of guilt towards moving and following my happiness. I don't really understand why all this guilt is raising in me. I understand that my parents financial issues are not my own. The statistics of this kind of cancer does not have a favorable survival rate, and I feel like I'm abandoning my father on his death bed. Deep down, this guilt is turning my stomach into a knotted mess. I have two options open to me. Continue with moving out and find a way to rid myself of guilt. Or... rescind my leave, stay an extra year on at the school I dislike, help my family out with selling the house and make my father's last few months meaningful. If I take option two I lose the ability to be approved for the leave of absence a second time. I have to work in a job I dislike and find morally wrong. But at the end of that year I will be completely debt free, and could outright quit, move and all the while, build my business to a point where it will be less risky to jump into. If I take option one, everything is up in the air and feels uncontrollable, with the massive burden of guilt. But I stayed true to my life and my life's goals and moved away from the collectivist mentality that I owe my parents anything. I need some sound philosophical advice on how to frame this decision. It is one that I am going to have to make rather quickly. This decision will, in my mind, fully focus my life's path for the rest of my life. Heavy... I know. Is there anyone out there that can shed some light? C

Hi Everyone, I'd love your thoughts on this podcast between me and another FDR listener. Its a conversation about music, and most importantly, how public schools fail our kids in music specifically. If you are a musician and want to come and chat on the podcast to share your story, I'm sure our audience would love to hear your story. This podcast was inspired by FDR, so come share your story of freedom through music. Music It Up Link: http://www.musicitup.com/#!jpahmad/ckfs podbean: http://musicitup.podbean.com/?source=pb iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/ca/podcast/the-musicians-path-podcast/id839586402?mt=2&ign-mpt=uo%3D4 stitcher radio: http://www.stitcher.com/s?fid=48020&refid=stpr Please leave a comment so we can improve on our content. Thank you

I don't know if anyone is still following this thread anymore, but this will be the last daily post I make here. I am quitting the daily blogging, not the daily challenge though. This blog explains why no one should just keep an online journal like I have been doing. http://goldencuffshakedown.blogspot.ca/2014/04/why-i-am-quitting-daily-blog-world-but.html C

I did it! I feel like by having that face to face conversation to apologize, I've learned a little more about how to be a better communicator. She was really cool about it too. After I got to the point and said what I needed to say, I stopped talking and just listened. She told me how it made her feel, but that she understood and is really glad that I finally came to her with this apology. That's all. There was no, "how do we move forward from here," or "do you want to pick up where we left of." Nope. Just really good closure, and one of the best most honest conversations I have had to date. Thanks for all your advice. C

Prairie, You've asked a tough question, but I'm going to answer it honestly. I still feel attracted to this girl. I miss our conversations, and I regret the way that I acted. I also feel that an apology will make me feel better, because I am constantly thinking about the number of times I have done this in my life. She was not the only woman who I just stopped communicating with because a fear crept into me. After dealing with the root of this fear, I want to confront it, and this girl is the only one who kept trying to communicate with me after I dropped off the face of the planet. I feel like a jerk even writing this. Maybe having a real conversation about my feelings and the feelings of another human, especially the effect my jerk reactions caused, might make me feel less like a jerk. It may also be a good step to being a better communicator. Does this answer your question?

I have a friend right now who is in a relationship where his girlfriend has just convinced him to put a ring on her finger. Not out of love though. It was a negotiation. It came down to wanting to be able to hold onto his sense of stability, because if he doesn't accept the negotiation she was going to tell him to hit the road. I've tried to talk to him about really taking the time to think about this decision. When I was there last for a visit, she got angry at him for bringing me by because she had made the arrangements to go pick out her engagement ring. I have a feeling that marrying this woman is going to be a bad idea. There are a number of factors to provide solid evidence for feeling this way, but I can't seem to talk to my friend about this because he keeps saying, "sometimes you just have to do what you have to do to make your life less uncomfortable." I feel if I push any further I'm going to lose this friend. I care a great deal for him, and only want the best for him, but when can you say, "I've done everything I could do, but its time to move on?" Thanks for the great resources in this feed.