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I had been torrenting the podcasts for some time. I enjoy listening to them at work. I recently went over to fdrpodcasts to get some more, but I could not find the links I used before. i do not even really recall which links I had been using. The folders I got were named fdr1, fdr2, and so on. I left off at fdr7. If anybody knows how I might get a hold of the rest, I would really appreciate it. Thanks.

Hey there, Pleiades. Interesting questions. I have a few thoughts about what might be happening. I do agree that affection has a subject value based on various factors and the way you go about looking for a life partner is the way most people (I would assume) go about it. Going out or signing up for an online dating service, seeing somebody who they find attractive, engaging this person, showing what they have to offer in whatever regard, having the other person decline or proceed to give the same sample. Based on this, I don't think the problem is your approach. The problem may be with the types of individuals you approach. You said you offer your sample and they neither decline it or offer theirs. Instead, they put you in the dreaded friend zone - this may mean something a little different for everyone - and believe there is a problem when you stop offering your sample. Failing to realize that you were putting yourself out there in order to create an intimate relationship, etc. I would be glad to hear what you think.

Thank you all for your insights and sharing of personal experiences. As you guys have pointed out, realizing how much I have normalized all those events was quite eye opening for me. I will definitely begin to put more trust in myself and my dissections of my past experiences. Taking into account that the influence my parents had on me will often subconsciously try to make everything seem okay. I will stay strong because I know that what happened was not alright and should not have happened. Thank you for the advice and I will certainly take a check out that book, tjt.

My memories of my childhood begin from when I was around four years old. From then I can remember that my parents did a lot of fighting and arguing. I can remember once they got into it because my mother was apparently staring at my father too much and he had a problem with it. This behavior carried on until they officially separated when I was 16. They never made any effort to try and discuss their problems calmly and did not hold back even if my sister and I were in the room with them. My mother took it upon herself to involve us in her disputes with my father and often would often play the victim. Being children, we fell for her ploy and rushed to comfort her when she would sit and cry after a big fight. Besides the fact that she was our mother and that she could effectively portray herself as the victim, what made it especially easy for her to draw us in was that was my father was very distant and we weren't very close with him even though we lived together. She had gotten me so well that at some point I began to feel strong contempt for him. My sister and I were brainwashed. She kept us by her side by telling us that if she were gone tomorrow we would have nobody else because our father didn't care about us, that she would do anything for us, etc. She made sure to feed and clothe us, but as far as I can remember she never made any attempts to delve deeper into my thoughts, feelings or interests. She did hit us and was verbally abusive. The one thing she often did with me as a form of discipline was enlist my father to yell at me. As a child, the contempt that I mentioned before was mixed with an intense fear of him. The times when I was put in front of him to be disciplined were very distressful for me. It was literally like a trial or something. If I did something wrong my mother would say that she would tell my father about it. It wouldn't leave my mind and I would think about it for the whole day. When he arrived home and was settled, he would yell for me to come to him and I would take a slow walk to see him. What usually happened in these sessions were him shouting questions at me while I cried and was unable to answer. He would then aggressively pressure me for an answer by repeating himself. For example, there was one occasion where I was around six years old. I had spilled juice a couple of times over the course of a week or something and my mother was fed up. She had hit me for the first few times and then resorted to putting me in front of my father. This time, I was unaware that she had reported me and I was unexpected called by my father. He began to angrily ask how old I was and if I was a baby because someone my age shouldn't be spilling things so much. All I could do was cry. These are some of the earliest experiences that I can remember. I had no idea that writing this would make me so anxious. When I was re-reading it and playing back the events in my head it was came across as unbelievable. Thank you for the kind words and support.

Before discovering Stefan and FDR, I was completely ignorant about the degree to which the things that someone has experienced during their childhood really affected them later in life. What I had initially believed was that for anything to have an immense impact on one's adult life it had to be some horrible, devastating experience (like being raped, seeing somebody die, being severely physically and/or verbally assaulted, etc.) Looking at it now, I can see that my ignorance stems from the fact that psychology and childhood trauma were something my parents never talked about - unless that was to dismiss or ridicule the topics. It is kind of funny because just realizing this shows the level to which things that happen in one's childhood unconsciously permeate in their future experiences, thoughts and relationships. My time spent listening to Stefan has encouraged me to pursue self knowledge and I figured this would be the best places to ask questions and receive advice. Recently, I started picking apart the things that I can remember from when I was younger, but the problem is that I am unsure of just how accurate my evaluations of these memories are. It is unclear to how to get to the root of how a certain experience affected me and how to deal with with the information that I may uncover. Also, if there are any techniques or literature that would help. I really want to overcome the barriers that have been put up due to the experiences of my past. Your advice will be very much appreciated. Thank you.