Andersfilosof

Hello Jay. In my opinion, the best you could possibly hope for in that situation is just to express your ideas and see if the people you were talking to were capable of being planted with the seed of doubt regarding their views about aggression. If these people see all the other adults and parents defending spanking, even if deep down they have some doubt, they're highly unlikely to let it show around other parents, because that would be an implicit criticism of their past decisions and the other parents' past (and potentially future) decisions, and as you're well aware, most people can't handle that, least of all people who have abused another human being. At the same time, it's not wrong to not speak up. You don't owe anyone the truth. I had a conversation with a couple of coworkers a few years ago about spanking. One lady mentioned she had spanked her kids when they smaller/younger, and another guy chimed in with "Parenting 101" (not in a sarcastic way either). I mentioned that I was spanked and that spanking had been proven to reduce IQ points, and it's fundamentally teaching the kid to use force when someone does something they don't like. I heard the usual objections from the lady, and I didn't push any further, partially because I would get rides home from her sometimes and almost always worked next to her and I didn't want it to be awkward, and partially because based on previous anecdotes and stories she'd told me about her life as a single mother, I understood she was very cerebrally narcissistic and constantly blamed others (including our managers) for things not going her way, so subconsciously I saw her as a lost cause and didn't take her to task for her responses to my initial arguments. Quite honestly, I don't regret my approach. I made my viewpoints known, and threw some seeds out there, without making my work situation awkward thereafter.

I agree, but the difference between Facebook and this forum is Facebook generally has people's real names, and complaining about your kids behavior on Facebook is a form of public humiliation. I don't see people on this forum complaining about their kids behavior very often, but rather expressing their frustration on dealing with specific instances that come up as a parent, which is quite different. One is aimed at solving the problem, the other is just aimed at reducing anxiety in the short-term.

There's nothing wrong with what you did in that Facebook exchange. I think it's helpful to realize that when a parent complains about their kids on Facebook they're simply looking for validation from people on their friends' list who are also shitty parents - it's not in an attempt to meet the child's needs, because obviously that would require engaging with the child and they would rather stroke their ego using Facebook than expose the shortcomings they and their own parents had around childraising.

Thanks Alan, I'm always interested by Vaknin's videos, especially about Obama. I don't mean to be callous, but are you kidding? If there is no sense of elevation of the self's preferences above others then the self is much more open to exploitation. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Healthy_narcissism

Thought you owned your computer and your internet? Wrong[|-)]

I take it there are no medium sizes? They look mighty sexy

I had one experience rooming with strangers from Craiglist that wasn't very good, but it was more due to my working night shift and them working days than them being bad people. I always hear the east coast US has much better public transport so that would make that part of the equation easier - though the idea of moving cross-country is quite a bit more daunting I shouldn't take that off the list of options. Do you have any suggestions of what I should research about the prospective cities I'm thinking about, other than weather, and living costs? Obviously it would be ideal to visit the place before deciding to move there, just to get a feel for the city, but at this point that's only really an option for me for cities on the west coast, and probably just California. Thanks again!

I did point out Dayna Martin as a possibility here, though I have not talked with her before, shes seems like a pretty awesome person. There likely are others who make themselves available if you look in to this. You're right, I sort of glossed over the possibility of simply seeking out people online.

Thanks for the responses everyone, and sorry about the mistaken name Wesley, I accidentally mixed and matched names with another guy on here. Tasmlab, your post really helps as well, I'd never thought of doing the temp secretarial work, and I'm already fairly good with computers and can type pretty fast so that sounds like a good start. Ribuck, thanks for the introduction to that podcast too, it's helping me see the light at the end of the tunnel so to speak.

Thanks Jeremie! I've done quality control at a cooling company before - a place that cooled pallets of fruits and vegetables, I've also worked retail, but other than that I don't have any special skills. I could potentially learn some sort of entrepreneur skill, (and I know this is an excuse) but there's no culture of entrepreneurship here - no people I could seek out as mentors, or people who would hold me accountable for sticking with it other than my therapist, and there's not really any way that I know of to reward myself for working hard here that doesn't involve eating junk food or taking drugs. So what I've done in the past is work on my songwriting because that's the only fun thing I do which I have complete control over and don't need anyone else to do, but it's gotten to the point where it's no longer exciting. I'm desperate to meet people on somewhat of my same wave-length, but they're pretty much all either in college or left this town as soon as they got the chance. In my head, it's like "You're using your environment as an excuse not to grow" but at the same time, I'm well aware how much lacking like-minded friends just makes everything so much harder. In a way, I'm almost angry that I have all these high-expectations for myself because in the short-term it'd be so much easier to be like the majority of the people here who've essentially (unconciously) resigned themselves to a life of mediocrity.

So here's a bit of background. I'm 21, I live in a shit town called Atascadero, about halfway between L.A. and San Francisco, with a population of about 30,000. I want to create a whole new circle of friends who are in tune with my values, rather than keep hanging with my old friends from high school who are comfortable with their stagnant lifestyle. I don't want to see the same people every night I go out, and I want to be in a place where I actually have the option of meeting women outside of the party/bar scene, i.e. common interest groups and the like. I also want to create a social circle of kickass musicians because as easy as it is to say "You don't need anyone else - just keep practicing " it's so hard to keep pushing myself to keep improving when I have no social circle to reinforce that discipline and have no really fun ways of using my skills (like playing shows).My problem is, I'm scared that I'll try and fail or that my dream is unrealistic. I have some studio equipment (musical) I've been holding onto and could get at least a couple grand from selling it, but the question in my mind is what then? I'm a smart enough and disciplined enough guy to adapt to any job I need to (other than intense physical work), but I don't have any clue what type of job I could get where I could work full-time and have enough money to pay my rent and be able to eat healthy food. I realize a good first step is getting a Vespa or a car or something that will allow me to transport myself, so as I continue job-searching, I'll look forward to getting that handled by saving as much as possible at my part-time job until I can buy one, but even once I have that, I'm at a loss for what to do.I'd prefer advice from anyone who's taken that leap of faith and moved to a big city with minimal workplace skills, but any feedback would be awesome. I realize I have blind spots in this area, because all I've ever lived in is a small town full of people who use drugs to escape the depressing nature of and lack of opportunity in this small town. Any practical or emotional advice is greatly appreciated - helpful mindsets for someone who wants to move, what types of work might meet my criteria, good types of jobs to look into, big cities which might have the most opportunites for someone like me (not necessarily in California) etc etc. It's just too depressing and lame living in this shithole when I know I'm capable of epic greatness - and I've made the firm resolve not to smoke weed or get drunk anymore to distract myself from that lameness, hence my post here. I know there are some awesome individuals on these boards, and I know I'll at least gain something valuable from coming here with my predicament. I'm seeing a fantastic therapist, but I feel like I'm more limited by my surroundings than by my own shortcomings/defenses, and he agrees. I feel emotionally ready to make BIG moves, but I feel my current environment is too limited to allow me that option. I'm overwhelmed by the amount of options there are, but I don't want to allow that to paralyze me and serve as an excuse not to leave this place.Cheers everyone and thanks for reading! Andrew

On what experience are you basing your opinion that "they are more equipped to deal with emotionally distraught kids?"

Daisy, I had a similar experience (very long story that we can discuss if you wish) where I agreed to do something business related I KNEW I didn't want to do for fear of being rejected if I just said no. Of course, I ended up flaking out and it almost cost me a relationship with a very important person to me. Here's how I forgave myself: If I'd had the childhood I deserved, I would not have had this emotionally unhealthy attachment to pleasing others. If I hadn't been neglected by my parents, I wouldn't have this desire to appease someone in the moment, at the cost of long-term integrity and trust - this is exactly what my parents did to me when they did interact with me. The best thing you can do, if possible, is a face-to-face apology to the people you weren't honest with, and if you have tears built up, find a way to let them out - either with those particular people, or with a therapist. Basically, my advice is to take responsibility for your choice to remain unconscious when you agreed, but NEVER take responsibility for being the type of person who would choose to do that.

Hey Chekhovs, I'm definitely interested in this. My email is [email protected] if you want to send the information there.

Hello everyone. I've introduced myself on these boards before, but I'm posting on the Introduce Yourself thread because as the title reads, I've made the firm resolve to not get high anymore. I haven't smoked in 4 or 5 days and as such, the anxiety that I've been using it to mask is showing up and it'd be really great to have some people to talk to on Skype, as I'm waiting on a few job prospects (currently jobless) and need some productive and fun ways to spend time, otherwise I fear it'll be too easy to get high again. I don't have any friends that don't use drugs (seeing that in print blows my mind) and while started seeing my therapist again weekly, that's simply not enough time out of the week to have conversations about shit that really matters. My Skype name is Karahashianders and I thank you all for reading this.

It's an interesting question because it can be hard to differentiate between someone restraining the imposition of their will on others for fear of punishment and restraining the imposition of their will on others for reasons of conscience. I does make sense to me that there are degrees of sociopathy, or selective sociopathy. I can remember a few times going to the playground at a young age (6 or 7 maybe?) and the top level of the playground/slide structure had numerous small holes which would allow you to see down at the kids playing below you. I used to spit in the sand, make a spit-sand ball and drop it on the kids below me. I remember someone's mom at some point reprimanded me for doing it, but I remember seeing her as another "generic rule-enforcer." - i.e. "not a real threat to me" probably because she was not an authority figure able to punish me. This was clearly a sociopathic tendency - to act out my anger on innocent people in some way, at a level I thought I could get away with (and did). I think the only difference between me as a kid and a full-blown sociopath is, I experienced at least some warm and loving emotions from my mother, and my opportunities for acting out my anger (physically) were limited because of my small stature. I think if I hadn't had that connection at some level with my mother, and if it had been easier for me to act out my anger in my childhood environments, I could have become a sociopath. I recently watched a long interview with Jeffrey Dahmer and he said that the acting out of his dominating fantasies progressed little by little - and without externally imposed negative consequences and without a conscience or conscienable people getting involved in his life, there's very little to hold the sociopathic person back from accepting his fantasies as a part of his identity.

Good stuff, Dave! Also, try to find one who doesn't charge for the first session - my first try with a therapist ended up being the right one and I think it says alot about integrity to not charge the first time seeing as how the therapist doesn't know if they can help you yet.

Few things aggravate me more than the entitled sons of bitches who wait for the geniuses of the world to invent great things, only to step in and demand their share, having done absolutely nothing to earn it.

I know that for me, every bit of change I've achieved from my dysfunctional background involved scratching and clawing my way through defenses, regressing for a short time and then trudging forward again. Even with someone who intellectually loves the idea of self-knowledge like me, the emotional defenses are challenging to get past, so if your parents don't even like the idea of self-knowledge at an abstract level, the chances they are going to be willing to make real changes to their beliefs are not high at all and diminish with every day they don't take action. I've wasted plenty of time trying to reach my dad who is clearly past the point of no return at age 60 and won't be wasting anymore. When I stopped spending time and energy trying to change him, I had more time and energy to change myself.

To me this list reads more like "The threshold above the bare minimum checklist" as it doesn't include abuse or neglect, but you could make a strong argument that if there was no abuse or neglect, the child wouldn't struggle with moving out before age 25 or avoid telling their parents significant facts.

It is an interesting phenomenon I've noticed in myself in times past - I encountered someone with very high self-esteem (like Amanda Palmer) and with high enthusiasm, and I found myself almost contemptuous of their attitude and demeanor. Of course, my negative reactions to these people were generally projections of my own unhappiness with my own life. I was unable to empathize with those peoples' happiness because I had never experienced real passion or joy in my life - and given the fact that I hadn't experienced happiness, acting happy seemed like total insanity when I saw it in others. I suspect people who are hostile towards people like this have the same issues, though I'm no expert and I could be wrong. Yes, I think many of us have not seen many examples of "self-centered" people who also provide alot of value, and years of that pattern being reinforced can lead to skepticism that such people actually exist and that it is an "act." It's really quite unfortunate.

Correct. It depends on your definition of assault. I think a reasonable one would be "an action which imposes physical force, often causing pain or fear." If you don't think spanking causes pain or fear, you know nothing about spanking. In fact, the definitive purpose of spanking is to cause pain and fair.

They were but I don't understand the connection between that and anything I've said in this thread.

The degree of irrationality displayed in the comments section is pretty astounding to me....though it's probably because I generally don't read articles like this. Blind assertations that just as many experts could look at the same data and come to the exact opposite conclusions, things like "Child psychologists are so stupid these days," blind assertations that kids drinking soda pop is "more likely" the reason kids are getting depressed than because of physical abuse, another commenter claims spanking is useful in "extreme" cases like when her husband accidentally almost hung himself as a child, one person even says: " My mother made us look for the correct belt for our punishment. The act of looking for the correct belt was what I remembered not the swat I got from the belt." Well that's lovely, how warm and considerate to let the victim choose the tool of abuse... One person says he was spanked twice and a proud victim speaks up: "You only being spanked TWICE, means in reality YOU WEREN'T "SPANKED" as a child. When you got the belt to your bare #$%$ on a daily basis, get back to us." The replier has obviously built up a tough-guy identity based on the fact he was abused so much.

At the last place I worked, the starting pay was $9/hour and it was more than the $8 minimum because the work was very long, repetitive, and in a 36-degree cold room, which is not the nicest environment to work in. If the $9/hour minimum wage law passes, that company will either have to raise that starting pay up to $10/hour to sway the people who would rather work at McDonalds but need the extra money and hours, or leave it at $9/hour, which means that there is almost no advantage to choosing that place to work at over any other unskilled work. And what is your purpose in stating these facts? We're all aware that people go to great lengths to make money when they are kept from doing so legally, but what does that have to do with the moral or practical validity of the minimum wage?