Ratakari

1.0              
The Past

I was the first child of a young programmer at Austria´s State Postal
Bank and an even younger refugee from Serbia (actually from a Hungarian
minority within Serbia) who had worked as a kindergarten „educator“ before
getting pregnant. My paternal grandfather worked as a shoemaker before the war,
then made a career as a drill sergeant in the Wehrmacht. I never met my
maternal grandfather, but heard stories from my mother, describing how he was
an alcoholic and abused my grandmother until her mother decided to escape from
him and flee to Austria.

1.1              
Fake
Memories

I have next to no memories of the time before I was about 5 years old,
but my parents have a lot of 8mm films of this time. This always felt  weird, but it got even worse, when I realized
the films contain evidence of my abuse. In one of those clips I could see a
little kid being afraid of an exploding balloon and crying. My father didn´t
put the camera down, nor did my mother rush in to soothe me - and their comment
while watching this scene was always: „Oh look - isn´t it funny, how stupid you
were - being afraid of balloons...“

1.2              
Second
Birth

I have crystal clear memory of the day my sister and I were abandoned at
the kindergarten the first time. My sister was a year younger, but nevertheless
was put into state care as early as 5 years old, because „I could watch over
her.“ (so my parents told me). My sister started crying as soon as my mother
left us among the strangers, and I felt helpless not knowing how to console her
– and feeling the pain of abandonment myself, 
but not allowing myself to cry.

1.3              
Education
Camp

I always believed that public school was the source of all my social
fears, but know I see that me and my sister were already terrified of other
people when we entered kindergarten and school. We didn´t greet a new
environment and other kids with wide-eyed curiosity, but with terror. The first
day in school, some kids came to me and asked me whether I liked Austria or
Rapid (both were football teams I never had heard about before). I was not honest
and curious by telling them the truth and asking them about the teams – I was
afraid they would make fun of me and so pretended to like „Austria“ (because I
new that was the name of the country I was living in - so that couldn´t be
wrong).

The rest of my 11 (!) years at school were a constant fight for survival
in a „lord of the flies“ manner. I learned that showing weakness was the
beginning of the end.

1.4              
Forced
to Watch

When I was 16 years old, my parents asked me, if I was comfortable with
getting a little sibling, and I didn´t know what to say. As I later learned, my
mother was feeling uncomfortable with her kids grown up, never aspiring a
career or even learning how to drive (or speaking the German language in a
fluent manner!). So she convinced my father „against his better judgment“ (so
he said years later) to create another helpless soul which hopefully loved her
for a few years. My parents forced me this way to become an under-age father (I
was the one who was playing all the time with my little brother, because my
parents weren´t able to fantasy-play) and then forced me to watch the same
torture I was inflicted on experienced by my brother. I repeatedly took sides
with him and fought (in vain) against their mindless rules and condescending
way, and at the same time inflicting damage to him by minimizing his feelings
and praising restraint.

1.5              
The
Path to Freedom

I won the battle with my parent´s attempts to press me into a small and
mediocre lifestyle, when I got my dream-job as 3D-Animator. I was glad to
finally be able to leave the family home, 
but at the same time felt regret and guilt (like a divorced father)  to leave my helpless and dependent brother
behind. He later told me that he was blaming them for driving me out and then began
rebelling against them with bloody school fights, vandalism, theft and drug
use. I kept in contact by phone and rare visits, but always suffered, because I
couldn´t do anything about it but to listen.

1.6              
Foo-Sickness

My FOO visits became less, I often left in anger after a „discussion“
with my father about computergames or the right way to raise kids, and always
felt sick the day after the visit (sick not like in „bad“, but in „fever“). I
also got  „winter depression“ as long as
I attended the family Christmas celebrations. My indoctrination about my
allegiance to the family finally lost against my survival instinct that told
me: „Why are you exposing yourself to something, that makes you sick?“, so I
stopped seeing them. After all, I already had real (voluntary) friendships at
that time.

1.7              
Life
is a Game

I had worked in the computer games industry , founded a lasertag company
and had married an extremely intelligent woman with rich parents, but I felt
caged. When I took a course in „Survival“ (at a mystic native-american cult) I
developed a „Life is a Game“  philosophy,
and I believed that my choice of lifestyle was only a choice between different
games – if I didn´t like a particular game (like,  for example, a country), I just had to switch
to another one. And if I didn´t like any country, I was able to live in the
woods and enjoy it (because of my amazing survival skills).

1.8              
Last
Hope

I was not aware that my world view was 
a way of explaining reality away, and I was NOT free to choose if I was forced
into exile by my own unsolved past issues, and this led to some serious
differences with my wife. Because of her own issues she tried for some time to
hold on to something she didn´t share, then left me without ever talking about
it. This came as a complete shock – I pretended to keep up a good friendship,
but I just wanted to see her going down (because her new boyfriend was a
criminal), or regret the separation (because she realized she made a mistake).
I abused and lied to another poor girl to fix my sexual insecurity, and finally
planned my escape.

1.9              
Go
North

Just as I met Ulrike for the first time, I already had packed. I knew she
was the ONE, but was stuck in a pattern we later discovered by talking about it
openly – luckily it didn´t lead to an early breakup. I left everything behind and
started a hiking trip across Germany, Norway and Sweden to the wild and silent
forests of Lapland, only sleeping in a small tent, always hidden in the woods.
It was a dream come true, and I felt free. However, I would have felt very
alone, if I hadn´t kept contact by Mail with Ulrike, who made me feel  important.

1.10          
Ulrike

I knew Ulrike was special, but she completely blew my mind and healed the
inferiority wounds I had suffered  by
visiting me in my hideout in northern Sweden. We had a great „holiday“, and it
felt like our honeymoon. I wasn´t sure what to do with my future before, but I
very soon felt that I wanted to go „back“ with her.

It didn´t take long for me to hurt her, and I then realized how damaged I
actually was – and that I had healed nothing by „running away“.

1.11          
Into
the Clouds

I wanted to leave the city and live in the country, so Ulrike followed me
with a lot of anxiety into a small house in the Viennese Alps, 1000m above sea
level. The house was almost all winter long hidden in thick clouds, and it was
there, that our my most important transformation began and I finally had the
chance to become a better human being – free from being pushed around from long
forgotten fears.