TruthahnDerRuin

I have known for more than ten years that I have social anxiety. Almost every place I have looked for suggestions on how to treat social anxiety focuses on desensitization. So to have someone suggest desensitization is not very helpful. I have tried it several different ways before, including a way similar to what you suggested, also with the help of a therapist. But I have not had much success until I started swing dancing. Swing dancing has a few advantages over the other things I have tried. So I do not have as much of a general anxiety problem anymore. I did mean to write into the original post that I was looking for help with asking a woman out (which I do not have a handle on) specifically, rather than general anxiety (which I do have a handle on).

Thank you for your replies. Austin has a good swing dancing community and I have been going out a couple times a week for about three months. I have worked on approaching, asking women to dance and talking while dancing. I can be comfortable while doing all of these things. I have no intention of asking a lot of women out. But there is one woman I have met there that I have been really enjoying spending time with and I want to be able to spend more than five minutes at a time talking with her. I have been journaling and I am looking for a therapist. I understand how important self-work is if I want to have good relationships. One of the things I am working on is letting go of perfectionism. I could do more self-work before pursuing a romantic relationship, but I think I would just be letting my perfectionism block me from what I want in life. What I am looking for is a woman who is also interested in self-work. Another one of the things I am working on is my loneliness and I think finding someone who is making the same effort that I am would be really wonderful.

I do not know how many people have as much difficulty with this as I do. It seems that society has me backed into a corner where I can never hope for things to happen unless I make the first move. It would be easier if I had a little success in the past to draw on when I decide that I want to ask someone out. I am twenty-six years old and I have only been on one date and that only happened because I was asked out. There are a number of things that make it difficult and I only really want to focus on one of them in this thread. Whenever I try to ask someone out, I start to think that it will only annoy the person I am asking. One of my sisters has told me several times that whenever she is asked out that it is one of the worst things that she has to deal with. The amount of time she has put into telling me how she does not want to be asked out and that she then dreads seeing the people who have asked her out, has me worrying about being judged harshly just for asking a simple question. Now the stories were of men who would ask her out several times even though she keeps saying no, but there was never a story of her being asked out and wanting to be asked out. So that leaves me thinking that when I approach a woman that she will never want me to ask her out even though that is not likely. What I am asking for is for some of the women on this board to tell me a story about a time when you wanted to be asked out. I think if I can add some positive stories of when women want to be asked out I can then jump over this hurdle. Like I said before there is more to it than this, but this is one of the sticking points that I am not moving past. How often do you want to be asked out but then are not asked? If you do not want to be asked out, does it ruin your day?

Can you tell us what you did the day before?

While I did not vote for him, I will take a guess. Obama does what is best for Obama.

I think you should keep journaling, because the answer is going to come from you. But you could also try a type of meditation. Find a comfortable position and then focus on feeling as much of your body as you can. Start with your feet, try to feel every toe. Then start moving up your body and take as much time as you need. I think that this may unlock the answers you are looking for.

Alright, I have started a meetup date on the pre-existing Austin Meetup group. I will see if I can attract the attention of some other freedomainers. http://www.meetup.com/Freedomain-Radio/Austin-TX/940452/

If you want to meet some of the people on the board, I have seen that a few of the people here are living in Austin(including myself) and I have been considering starting a meetup group. Would you be interested?

One of the stops on the Philosotour 2013 is close enough to where I live that I am considering going. But renting the hotel room for six nights would be six hundred dollars. That is more than I would like to spend (I also do not have a credit card). But it would be for a room with two double beds. So splitting the cost four ways would make it one hundred fifty dollars each. I am excited by the idea that I could not just save some money, but also have the chance to meet some of the wonderful people on this board. I have not made a commitment yet because it is in mid-August and I can take some time in planning this trip. So let me know if you are interested in attending this Unschooling conference.

I have considered that my way of thinking is only a veil for behavior that actually prevents me from doing things that would make me more satisfied. I think this response is quite astute. The reason I seek self-knowledge is to avoid self-destructive behavior. Even though you said that you think you will be more manipulative, I think that this is self-destructive so the knowledge you are seeking will lead to ending this behavior.

I will make a simple point that you have probably already considered (I do not want to insult your intelligence). But it is possible that what you will learn about yourself will make you stop wanting to manipulating people.

Being honest is good. Do you want to manipulate as a means to an end or in and of itself?

Marriage is not faith based. Faith is believing something without evidence or in spite of the evidence. If I were married I would not have to take it on faith that I am married. I would be able to use the evidence of the relationship to decide if the marriage would be as sturdy as a paper castle. Having some amount of uncertainty does not mean I have to have faith.

Have you only been feeling this way recently or has it been for a while? I wonder if it could be related to graduating.

I have had very similar thoughts for the past ten years or so. But I am having my perspective flipped on it's head after a dream interpretation meet-up I had recently. The dream was of me rolling a monster with a plastered on smile into a hole and then gaining the power of a magical fire that can consume whatever I choose. So whenever I have thought of revealing my real self it has felt like definite suicide. But is that my feeling? If I take off the smile mask I gain a fire that I can use to consume the falseness of others. If the people who surround me are mostly false self then provoking me is suicide for them and that is what I am feeling. This is a very recent change in perspective and I am unsure if it is justified. A second unrelated point is that the people at the dream interpretation meet-up were more curious and accepting than most people I have met. I was able to take off the mask for a while. Perhaps you can find a similar group near where you live.