Brandon

"I feel a tension to ask Dolly why she feels drawn to me (they both know I'm no longer religious and how much I think the state is morally wrong) or why she thinks there's hope I'll ever be attracted to her, but I'm uncomfortable and afraid my questions would be misconstrued as romantic interest." Or maybe you're just a sexy guy. I don't think moral differences are that big of a deterent for most people. "Dolly came over to my business just before closing time when nobody was there with me, and wanted me to play a CD. As it began to play she asked me to dance and I said what? As she moved towards me I moved away and said I can't dance with my limpy leg. I kept turning away to avoid her. She finally gave up." I have a hard time with dancing to. I felt uncomfortable just reading that. Thats something I should probably think about.

I think its just the result of years of not writing anything. Its a habit I should really get into. When I get in front of a keyboard... I don't know, I over think things? Also my hands can't keep up with my thoughts. Thanks. Its good to know there are people around to talk to.

I've deffinetly been feeling a lot of anger towards her over the past few weeks. I do have a tendancy to blame myself. I think a lot of that comes from uncertainty. I guess I'm just not sure how to feel about her decision. I think she is right when she said we aren't good for each other. I think our relationship would worked great when we were just trying to maintain a household, but in terms of personal growth I think we are holding each other back. I think this is why I titled this thread "feeling pretty lost". I've thought about all this so much from so many different perspectives I don't know how to make sense of it all. My parents have just about the worst relationship I've ever seen. My mother is an aggresive angry woman and my dad barely exists (he's an alcoholic). I deffinetly have a hard time existing in relationships. My ex however is nothing like my mother. My lack of preferences and confidance in our relationship was a problem for her. Just to clarify she never said things "I'm so much happier without you," That was more of how I experianced it. Sorry for the confusion.It was actually more like her trying to convince me that I was better off without her. Which really pissed me off because she was just trying not to be the bad guy. As for the moving to denver thing, it was a mutual decision. It was a great opportunity for her and I thought would be best for the family in the long run.

Sorry for leaving everyone hanging. A lot happened yesterday and then I had to go to work. So, back to the story. Our relationship was good. We are both resonable people. But it was based on a desire to give our son a stable family, not based on compatablilty. Deep down I knew we were't going to grow old together, but I thought we were happy enough to give our son. We loved spending time together, sex was great, we made a good team as far as running a household. I couldn't really ask for anything more. So, then she got this great job oppertunity in Denver. The place I was working had just shut down and moved to another state so we had nothing holding us to California. We didn't have much money at the time but luckily her boss was willing to rent her a room for the first month. In the meantime we saved money and soon enough my son and I were on our way to join her. I was misserable for that month and a half without her, and what I found when I got to Colorado was that she realized how much happier she was on her own.Without me. She kept telling me everything was fine. But I knew it wasn't. Eventually I got her to tell me about her experiance being alone in denver, making new friends and all. It was pretty upsetting to hear how much happier she was without me. But I didn't assume she was going to break up a family over it. That didn't come out for another month or so. When we had that coversation she said she was willing to get some counciling or somthing first. I didn't believe her. She said the same thing the first time she dumped me and then continued to date other people. So I asked her if she was serious about wanting to get proffesional help first. She assured me she was. I still didn't belive her. So it was supposed to be bussiness as usual until we got some help and figured things out, but I knew it was really just until it was more convienaint for her to leave. I have been working nights part time so I can hang out with my son during the day. I need to start making money so I'm going to be switching to full time soon. My (ex)wife and I are going to be seeing a lot less of each other. If we were going to get help for our relationship we had to commit to it now. I knew how that coversation was going to end so I was kinda freaking out. That's when I stared this thread. My ex got home from work shortly after I wrote the first part of the story. The conversation pretty much went just like this. "If you have any amount of respect for me you will be completely honest. Do you have any interest in working out our relationship?" "No." "I need you to find somewhere else to live" To be honest I felt a lot better afterwords. I've never doughted myself more than I have over the past few months. I believed her when she told me everything was fine. I thought I was being paranoid. "I must be more fucked up in the head than I thought". I guess I'll just call it a lesson in trusting myself more. I've always had a hard time making friends. I have a hard time believing people like being around me. I remember my first few days in kindergarden when we had recess the teacher would leave the classroom door open so she could still keep an eye on the kids if she was in the classroom. When no one was looking i would slip into the space between the door and the wall and wait for recess to be over. My current situation has been bringing up a lot of those old feelings and memories. Its like its confirming my oldest and strongest fear. That I'm just not very likable. As for my son, he'll be 9 in november. I can't place all the blame on his mother for the past. We were two broken people who had no bussiness having kids in the first place. As for the current situation, we haven't had that conversation yet.

Quick back story before I get to my current issues. I spent most of my life alone until my senior year of high school. I met a girl whos self esteem was about as low as mine. The whole fusion thing happened and before I knew it I was 20 and we were getting married. We got drunk on my 21st birtday and she got pregnant. When my son was about a year old she dumped me. "You're boring and I'm miserable. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go shave my legs, I have a date tonight." We didn't talk much after that. 4 or 5 years later circumstances brought us geographically closer together and we started talking more. We had both grown quite a bit. I had told her about freedomain radio and peacful parenting and she loved it. We decided to take another chance on being a family and moved in together. Its been about 3 years and shes ready to dump me again. This is getting hard to write. I need to take a little break.

Hello everybody. My name is Brandon. I think this is my third time indroducing myself. I have a hard time getting thoughts out through typing so I have a hard time sticking around on forums. Anywho, I really want to get to know people in the movement, so here I am. I'm looking forward to great conversations.

ignoring the doctors who told me I had ADD was probably the smarist thing I'v ever done. I'm glad my parents were smart enough not to put me on ritalin.