Gregory

Hi everyone! I started my own website last week and have the goal of increasing traffic and expanding my audience. It's a personal blog about sexual development, paraphilias, fetishes, child development, and self-knowledge. I update it every weekday with new or continuing articles or personal accounts. It was something that I'd discussed with my therapist, and she thought it was a wonderful idea. She felt - and I agree - that I could be a helpful voice for others who have had sexual trauma inflicted upon them and/or have developed a paraphilia or sexual fetish. It really is something I feel I need to offer the world and I want to be successful in doing so. I have to start somewhere and I figured that here is a better place than any to begin. Sometime down the road, I am hoping to start an anonymous "Share Your Story" section of the website. Does that sound valuable? Please, take a look. It's quite nascent and isn't very pretty yet. Not to mention, I'm still working on my writing skills, and I still have much more work to do in regards to self-knowledge. But I hope some of you find it worthwhile, valuable, or useful. Here is the link: http://www.onemoredeviant.com/ Thank you all for taking a gander at this post and hopefully my website! -Greg

Thank you for the added feedback everyone. I really like your perspective, Mishelle. You are definitely right! Compassionate consideration and understanding of her authentic experiences and preferences are just as important. I feel there is a breakdown in honest communication, and a trip with both of you to the therapist would be very helpful. Part of that communication is recognizing a partner's feelings as well and meeting them at their level with compassion. My therapist gave a great example about how this often goes with couples. One come how from work having had a horrible day. That partner is currently in a state of arousal and stress (limbic system.) But their partner has had a good day, is very calm, and able to think well and rationalize (neocortex.) She explains that she has had a horrible day at work and is looking for her feelings to be recognized and authenticated and to receive the security and comfort that comes from that. She will not be interesting in rationalizing her day at this point because her neocortex is not currently as active. She proceeds to explain her day to him, but he tell her that it sound as if she is just blowing everything out of proportion. Perhaps she is, but that is not going to register or be important to her at this point. Because of already being in a state of stress, she can easily perceive this as an attack or threat. The part of the limbic system that forms loving bonds and attachments will not be activated due to his approach and the situation is likely to escalate. In fact, the escalation takes place in order for her to force him down to her level. She may decide to throw an insult his way to achieve this. If, while they are both in the limbic system, recognition of feelings is not met and bonding has not been reinforced in the past, then it is likely to escalate even further. This is where flight or fight will happen by one party. For example, he may storm out of the room in frustration on stonewall. It is not until they both sooth themselves and calm down to the point that they re-enter their higher brain functions that they even approach the other to discuss what had happened. The escalation was unlikely to happen if he had met her in the limbic system from the start. If he had come down to recognize her pain, fear, and anger from an emotionally trying day, they would have met in the bonding part of the brain where the feeling of security and comfort with a person originates. This is usually done with what you may know as those "mirror" neurons, which is why those who lack normal amounts of mirror neurons can have difficulty with empathy and connecting emotionally with others. Together, they calm down and the blood returns to their neocortexes so they may both approach a discussion of her day with honesty, compassion, and rationality. This is a recollection of an example my therapist gave me to the best of my ability. I hope it makes some sense and can clarify what could be happening on a different level. Also... I wanted to add something to this discussion that may be missed by those without a fetish. I will try my best to communicate this well, but I may end up failing. First, a fetish does not have to be necessary for arousal in order to still be classified as a fetish. It is also the same for paraphilias. And in many instances, a person often refers to their paraphilia as a fetish. Paraphilias could, in a way, be understood as a type of sexual orientation, meaning that is determinate in what they truly find attractive. In fact, homosexuality was once considered a paraphilia. This may, or may not, be the case with a fetish. Personally, I can have fulfilling intimacy with my partner without the use of my fetish, which is actually a paraphilia of mine. However, it is and will remain a part of my sexuality, and I would be disingenuous if I said that it did not provide the highest sexual pleasure for me. There are so many aspects to an intimate relationships. Sexual pleasure alone pales in comparison to a truly fulfilling intimacy in all regards - e.g. security, comfort, emotional connection, loving attachment, etc. It is not my intention to debate whether or not a fetish should be practiced. That is of the sole discretion of the participants. Love is already difficult for people without a fetish. I give my own account and experience to explain that a person who has a fetish/paraphilia can adapt to normal intimacy, but sexual development of each human being is so foundational to our biology and neurobiology that the paraphilia will never be eliminated. Nor do I believe that elimination should ever be a goal. I would equate it to an aspiration of being "perfect," which will only causes a person to become overwhelmed, thus abandoning such a fool's errand. A search for fulfilling intimacy requires that the preferences and desires of each partner are considered and dealt with compassion in real time. When real, honest, and loving attachment, security, and comfort is found between authentic-expressing individuals, the fulfilling intimacy, with or without the fetish, comes naturally. This has been the progression of love with my partner. In my own sessions with a therapist who specializes in early child development and sexual therapy, the focus has never been on my paraphilia. It has always been on how my past experiences, trauma, and abuse have affected how I form relationships with others. It is a lot more about learning how loving bonds are formed between a healthy parent and child by means of security, affection, touch, understanding, soothing, compassion, negotiation, and so on. Fulfilling sexual intimacy comes when these nurturing factors are reproduced in a healthy, loving adult relationship. The fetish will be a factor for those who have one, as it cannot be removed from one's limbic and cortical network, but it is a very small player compared to everything else required for fulfilling intimacy. Love must come first. The good sex will come with it. Wow, that was a bit long, but I sure do hope that it makes sense and adds something further to this discussion. Thank you again everyone for your feedback, compassion, and courage!

I am glad to hear that she has been seeing a therapist for her past. Have you gone with her to any of her sessions? I think that would be very helpful. How do you guys discuss your expectations before you have sex? Do you try both try to negotiate that plan Z - the plan that both of you would enjoy? I know this is a very touchy and personal subject, so I will do my best to keep this practical and not go much into specifics. I'm just running some scenarios in my mind, but have you thought of some roleplay where you start off as a submissive male, and after a while of her taking control, you turn the tables on her and become the dominant male to satisfy her? What about the opposite? The act of sex is, after all, a two-person show. My mate and I shift things up even throughout the act based on our dynamic desires. Honest communication needs to happen before, during, and after sex, too. How often do you guys discuss after sex what could be done the next time to satisfy both of you? Obviously, as Stefan say, I can never tell you what to do. But is any of this feedback helpful?

This is heart-wrenching for me to hear. I'm am so sorry. I know that feeling all too much. So often I told myself the same thing, knowing that it wasn't possible. Please, tell me more. Would you say the fetish is necessary for you to enjoy sex, then?

Thank you for that link, Joel. In all honesty, to put it out there, that last caller was actually me. It was my hope that in opening my experiences up, I could provide some insight for not only myself but others who may have suffered some of the same experiences. It was quite difficult to talk about, but that was a good sign. And it ended up being a great talk. I hope that it does provide some insight.

I am terribly sorry to hear that. How did hearing that make you feel, and were you able to be authentic about your feelings? To me, however, using the words "It's hard for me to see you as a 'man'" is a means to shut a man down. I would be enraged and irritated at such a statement, and it would be difficult for me to respond. Did she at all say from the beginning that she knew it was important to you and that she wanted to offer the support and understanding in this difficult situation before stating her feelings on the matter? Where is the compassion for your past and your collection of experiences? I could be entirely wrong about this, but tell me if it seems to make any sense to you. My thought is that your relationship has formed into the roles of co-dependent and emotional manipulator. Where the actions and behaviors of one are controlled and ruled by the feelings of the other. This is what is often seen when a child does not differentiate from his or her parent in due time. In time, the mature development of children is to become independent thinking and emotional agents with matured self-awareness and understanding of one's boundaries. This is a bit fresh in my mind, because this is the current topic of my therapy sessions. My homework has been to recognize what constitutes toxic or nurturing relationships and my behaviors that would coincide with those relationships. Throughout most of my life I had been a co-dependent to my parents, especially my mother. It wasn't until I left home and was pushed to the point by other emotional manipulators that I finally started to say what my body was trying to say for so many years - "No!" That was a big reason that I had cancer when I was eleven years old. Because of my fetish, I was giving so much of myself up and putting myself down so much when I reached puberty that my body said it for me in the form of a life-threatening disease. In fact, I didn't do anything to find the root cause of my illness, so I got the exact same type of cancer two years after the first time. When I finally developed my "skin" in the form of self-awareness, authenticity, and boundaries, I never had cancer since. I'll put a link to a video by Gabor Mate, which was fairly enlightening for me. I know that it probably won't match up with your current situation, but perhaps it can add some degree of insight into other areas. Fetishes, I believe, get hard-wired in our brains, (most likely through abuse and/or abnormal sexual imprinting) so it is good for a fetishist to have someone in their life who can provide understanding, support, and compassion for our past and present experiences. They don't necessarily need to participate in the fetish, but the importance of it in their partners life should be recognized and attended to with love. That support and compassion is also something that fetishists must learn to provide themselves. A great way to do this is through a good therapist. My therapist has been awesome in our discussions of my sexual fetish. The fetish in and of itself is not a moral issue. Only our actions could ever be considered in such a way. If it is causing problems in your relationships, then it is very good reason to talk to an expert therapist, one who hopefully specializes in sexual therapy and early child development. Have you guys gone to see a therapist together yet? I hope some of this is helpful in some way. Please, tell me if I am wrong somewhere. Here is the link I was talking about:

I know this is late, but hello and welcome! I was just doing a quick forum search for "Wisconsin" in hopes of coming across people who may be located in the same state. Since I believe this to be the case, unless you've moved fairly recently, may I ask where you live in WI? I just moved to Appleton on the 15th of August, and was hoping of finding someway to meet like-minded individuals in the area. Have a great one and hope to hear back from you. Sorry, LOL. And, all I had to do was look at your profile. *facepalm* Anyway, if you were ever up to just getting together to have a chat/discussion or whatnot, I would love to. My schedule is usually pretty free.

Hello, everyone! Let me first express my sympathies for all who have courageously opened up their personal stories of childhood abuse and wretched hardship. I am sorry that you had to go through what you did, at any age. Sexual abuse upon any human being, especially a child, is absolutely vile at its core. It can go unnoticed for years, and certainly rears its ugly manifestations throughout a lifetime for the victim. The courage from this particular post is inspiring. Thank you all for sharing, and I feel it is incumbent upon me to do the same. I feel that my two cents will, hopefully, have relevancy to this discussion, because I have gone through the roller coaster ride of "battling" and "accepting" a fetish, if not multiple in some senses. My reference to "multiple fetishes" may actually just be kinks that evolved from my main sexual development and fixation. I will first start with as much of a disclosure of my childhood to the best of my abilities. Hold on to your butts, everyone. It may be long: Currently, I have no memories before the age of four. Everything after that age remains very well intact and vivid. Interactions and discussions with my mother (my father passed away when I was seventeen) have revealed a number of important insights into my infant and toddler years. I have learned that my mother was not one to let me cry to sleep. In fact, I was a baby that demanded food roughly every two hours until the age of one and a half when I finally adapted to a reasonable circadian rhythm. She had no issues waking up in the middle of the night to feed me. My brother and I received copious amounts of attention from her and my father, including plenty of reading, story-telling, playing with blocks on the floor, etc. One aspect that was missing within our interactions, however, was curiosity and general understanding on my parents behalf: our (my brother and I) hands were slapped multiple times for reaching for things; mistakes were often reprimanded with verbal shaming; and, cordial, empathetic discussion about topics I may have found important as a young boy were avoided. Spanking was present, but not very frequent. Regardless, the threat of spanking caused a fear that NEVER should have been present in the relationship with my parents. One highly relevant insight into this particular discussion happened when I was around the age of two to three. It was not often that we had babysitters when my brother and I were young, which we were definitely too young to understand why mom and dad were leaving us with a stranger, but it happened. Needless to say, it was a horrible mistake on my parents' behalf. My brother, age four or five, and myself were "babysat" by a couple that, years later, were found in possession of childhood pornography. However, that was just the tip of the iceberg: one of his sons was convicted of sexually molesting a two-year-old boy later in life, and the other son was also caught with childhood pornography. Sure, it may not be concrete, but to me, this provided substantial evidence that our "babysitters" not only molested their children (those poor kids) but molested my brother and I as well. The number of occurrences is unknown, but based on my mother's memory, it is at least three. We moved to a new town when I was closer to the age of four. We didn't have a lot of money, but we had all the necessities. We had enough food, water, and we had always had a roof over our head. My father worked, and my mother stayed at home to care for my bother and me. When both of her boys were off to school, my mother started working to bring in extra money for the household. My father, a teacher, was done at three, so we always had a parent present when we got home from our public indoctrination centers. The abuse that my brother and I received at this time included violent language from my father and spanking. One traumatic experience to note: my brother bit my father, (I could only speculate on reasons) and in turn, my father pick him up by the neck and slammed him against the wall. This was so traumatic for me a young kind that I put myself in my brother's position. I remembered it as if it was actually done to me. My mother told my father, after this incident, that if he EVER did anything like that again that she would take my brother and I and leave. Thankfully, he never did do anything like that again, and worked on his anger instead. Although, it would have been much better if he had sought professional help for it. Perhaps, the spanking would have stopped much earlier then. Right around the age of five is when I started having manifestations, of which I remember, of my particular fetish -- vorarephilia, aka "vore." Vore, in its essence, is a fetish about consuming or eating. Majority of people who are "vores" fantasize about being swallowed/eaten whole and alive by someone or something. This was the category where I fell; I was prey. It all started with a vivid dream that I remember to this day. Without going into much detail, (I will spare you) it involved all aspects that could be considered vore: oral, anal, genital, etc. This was all at the age of five. Definitely not an age I would consider normally conducive to producing such highly sexual and fetishistic material. From there on out, innocently enough, the imaginary games that I would play involved some type of monster that would eat us whole, like mutant frogs, or giant snakes and worms. Unbeknownst to me, I would not realize until puberty that it was something that could arouse me easily. At eleven years of age, I had cancer. It was a factor that definitely had its effect on my sexual development during puberty as it came back when I thirteen. In addition to battling cancer, I was convincing myself that I was some kind of freak. Who the hell else could like such a thing? This revealed what was another essential piece that was missing in the relationship with my parents -- I felt I could never be honest with them about how I often felt, especially when it came to sex. How could I? I was a freak in my mind. The fetish slowly evolved into other attractions or kinks, but I assume, perhaps incorrectly, that they were always a part of my dysfunctional brand of sexuality. I found that I was attracted to anyone, or anything, that had a big, fat belly. Perhaps, it was the fantasy that I could fit into it or whatnot. In addition, in reference to my mention of "anything," I found that the "characters" I was attracted to did not have to be human. They could be animals, monsters, aliens, etc. This lead me to the conclusion that, in such a respect, I am a furry as well. This sums up the extensive development of my sexuality. Coming out in complete, heart-wrenching honesty to my mother and my friends was a difficult journey, but it was one that I decided was necessary for my own well-being. I can thankfully say that I am grateful to have the people that I do in my life. Reception of the idea was, of course, that it was odd to them, but they enjoyed the fact that I could open up such a vulnerable part of my being to them. They remained curious, and even asked question that I never would have thought would come from them. Fortunately, as I know this won't be the same for everyone, it was an amazing and enlightening experience for me: to know that I could finally be absolutely honest in all respects with the people in my life. Since then, I have found a great boyfriend, and we do our best to work on having a RTR. My fetish has raised some issues in accordance to his childhood abuse, but our abilities to negotiate and express our feelings in real time have helped greatly. My goal from the start of the relationship, which was our plan "Z," the one we both wanted, was to establish regular, healthy, intimate sex for majority of our sex-life. Fetish fantasies remain a "treat" that I look forward to every now and then, but it is not necessary for us. I love the "normal" sex that we have, and I love the times that I get to explore some of my fantasies. Obviously, vore isn't something that I can explore within reality, nor would I want to. The best part of getting that sexual "ice cream" every now and then: he likes the extra bit of happiness that I get when we do. The hard part: it has to involve another person. My boyfriend wanted to reach a healthy weight: a goal that I love and help him achieve. From the beginning, though, we knew that a healthy weight was not what I was sexually attracted to. In turn, we agreed to terms of an open relationship that would allow me to appease that part of my sexual psyche. The interesting development: it is not a desire that comes too often. We've established such an intimate sexual life together that it has almost become unnecessary. It will always be there, yes, but he is fine in exploring those feeling that arise together with me. Even if that includes a roll in the sheets with another man or woman. It has definitely been a wonderful two years with my man. That being said, he still gets feelings of insecurity. Sexual interactions that I may have with another person, usually, someone that we both consider a friend, can come as a blow to his self-image. He gets the feeling that he is worthless if he cannot provide ALL of my happiness. This is something we spend a lot of time exploring as it does not only revolved around the aspect of sex. I remain curious and love talking with him about these feelings, and I explain that it is best if he remains curious about them as well. Doing that leads to further exploration, and perhaps, discovery. I do have the future goal of becoming a polyamorous family, and I want him along for the ride if he chooses. Both of us need therapy, which we will be starting soon, before we make that move, however. We have done well to admit much of our childhood abuses, but there is still much progress that we need to make together in getting the proper tools to work through our personal and interpersonal issues. We already have a fair foundation. We just need to make sure it's sturdy enough to last a lifetime. Hopefully, some of this helps as there are a fair number of people that have to work through similar issues in their own lives. It certainly is an issue in my life, but I try to take an optimistic view of it in the sense of remaining curious to the amazing, sometimes odd, developments of this world and the feelings of those I love. A fetish is an interesting aspect of life, and I think it should remain as such if we wish to learn more about them. In closing, allow yourself the necessary curiosity in regards to your fetish. It is a part of your life and mind and deserves due processing. As a note: personally, I would do my best to go through therapy before making a large commitment such as marriage. Thank you for everyone's bravery and a wonderful discussion!

Well, with my first edit, I have actually changed a few things; but any feedback that you have with what I had given you could still be useful. I didn't change too much of it, but I will be adding much more 'flavor' with the second edit of the book. I am fine with a reply to the thread.

Lol, this is actually a spoiler for the second book, since this will be a trilogy, but Casey is not entirely an orphan as his mother is still alive. It is necessary for him to think that he is still an orphan until the end of the second book, though. I could definitely clarify by adding a line or phrase that I had in my original query letter. Perhaps, I could word it as such: "Even though Rex learns to speak and to love, to everyone else, he is still a monster like Strithor. However, Casey diserns..." Ha ha ha... Yeah I had that line [cliff to hang from] in there geared toward a specific agent, due to his sense of humor and interest in series. I understand, though, that it is a line not I would ever use with an agent in general. Generally, a one is supposed to put is: "With series potential."

That's awesome! Thank you, for the compliments, and I look forward to your critique. Are there any books that you've published or you're looking to publish? If so, I would like to reciprocate the help. My manuscript is fully written, but I am still in the process of editing (Specially, sentence structure...) So far, I've been able to edit about a chapter a day this first time through. Therefore, I hope to have a semi-polished manuscript within two weeks.

Here is a query letter that I've written to convince a literary agent to represent my book. I am looking to find out if it interests you enough to want to read manuscript. Let me know: DearMr./Mrs./Ms. (Agent): Something is after him. Something wants his blood. Hewants to know why, but Casey Reed will learn that some answers come at a cost. Twelve yearsold and recently orphaned, Casey is left in a city destroyed by the army of a geneticallyengineered monster named Strithor. However, something different lurks beneaththe rubble of the laboratory where his father died, and Casey wants to find outwhat. LikeStrithor, it was designed to kill humans with a bite; but, after it sinks itsteeth in him, something intriguing occurs: Casey survives. He is determined toanswer why he is immune, but instead, he gains a new friend – a reptilianhumanoid he names “Rex.” To everyoneelse, Rex is a monster, but Casey discerns over time that Rex is not only afriend: he is the only link that Casey has to parents he hardly knew. Aftermysterious disappearances are blamed on Rex and monsters invade his new school,Casey can’t help but think that someone is after him and his blood. Thatsomeone is Strithor. When Strithor finally has Casey in the clutches ofhis scaly arms, Casey must decide what -- or who -- he is willing to sacrificefor the answers he seeks. This is my first novel. At 89,000 words, THECHRONICLES OF REX: BLOOD IS DRAWN is a completed YA Science Fiction that couldbe the first of a series, with a bit of cliff to hang from at the end. Fullmanuscript is available upon request.

Here are a few poems I have come up with in the past few days. Tell me what you think! The Cage (I'm considering this one as a work in progress...) Overcoming this shame you cast upon my soul Unbecoming of one who said they loved me so The filth they threw was impelled by hate and rage Of which I knew was a symptom of the cage It started when I stumbled into a force With all my might it stood without recourse This was a beast I discovered I could not engage And that was when I knew I was caught in the cage ----- Fall of Lies Believe the highly metaphorical mysticsIgnoring perfectly knotted linguisticsAnd trust them if you feel you mustYou're just a bit of cosmic dustTo take the leap is merely a stepThe truth is what you fear I dare betThough the ground may quake beneath youAll the lies are what you turn to I have the deepest desire to assist Unable to capture a hand that's a fist Watching you fall I can't relate Why you refused to change your fate ----- Faces What is trueIs that I fell for youAnd you knewOf what I'd put you throughI seem strongBut that's a lie, you seeYou'd be wrongTo put your faith in me Faces on the wall I wonder which to wear Please, don't let me fall From fear that's so unfair Hard to stop This dread I feel inside For myself I try to run and hide You remain To help me fight my brain But I fear I cannot take this pain Faces on the wall Refuse to let me be Please, don't let them call Me back from being free Thanks to you Your love has shown me light Of the things That once had brought me blight Now I see That we can work this out Learning what This love is all about Faces on the wall Destroyed and thrown away Can't believe at all I'd ever lived that way ----- Thief of Virtue Vice is virtue, and I'll tell you no more Listen to me, and learn what to abhor To reflect on yourself is a waste of your time To externalize fear is not really a crime If you're searching for truth and then notice the sign That your mind is now lost and your soul is all mine But this is absurd you see To think that you're actually free Because you are broken inside As you tossed your morals aside You had hid away from fear Even though the truth was near And now with the heart you tore You will not escape my war Vice is virtue, and I'll tell you no more Look at you now, as you're bad to the core ----- Some of them are a bit grim, I know, but I hope that the underlying messages are forthright and meaningful. Thank you for taking the time to read, and feel free to leave any feedback. Although, I probably won't be doing anything with these except keeping them stored on my hard drive... XP