saveyourself1

386-279-2183, please call me. It's Anthony! Don't know if you're still doing it or not this weekend. Please call.

silver donator? wheres the emblem? nothing in email. been several months

when did i feel like i existed for people.... this such a straining question...after meditating on almost half a dozen examples pretty easily i think its safe to say actually i know its safe to say that the reason its so straining and so foggy of a question is at least partly because of its overwhelming presence

yea, that's probably more apt overall to ask questions around feelings, wants, needs and especially feeling invisible or when someone was just exploiting me

how was i disciplined? how was i corrected when i did something wrong? what happened when i asked for help? ....what questins u guys have ?

if somebody could post looking for working vehicle 400$ down plus weekly payment and pm me and ill pm u my # to add. cant post on craigslist here

also wat are the best 95-05 vehicles to get

so i need the following: 1200 for a vehicle down payment i will reimburse ASAP, research into cheapest down payment of insurance for basic car as 23 no accidents or tickets, information on cheaper ways to taxi or bus or something idn - pls dont post highly graphic and interactive websites, they usually dont work for me

a car down payment is 1500 here, the cheapest ive found in the paper but now im looking after this post online. tags and titles is another 600$, and ill have a month according to the dealership....i live in volusia county in florida if anyone could help me research these questions its taken me almost an hour it feels to type on this ps3 remote....minimum down payment for insurance as 23 married no accidents etc. also im sorry that this has happened guys... i would rather have done this myself but ever since 16 days ago ive had to walk 8 miles to work at 10 at night and sleep there or ride a bike 15 miles etc........

i could use help with cheap ways to have a taxi give me a ride etc. or just money for a car i would pay it back....im on my ps3 its the only thing i have and need it really, my roommate gives me rides 2 nights a week back home hes agreed....but i work 4 this next week

omg i just typed up a whole page and it erased...one moment

im working 73 hours next week. This week i worked 55 and felt very nautious tired and overall exhausted. im ridind my bike an average of 15 miles a day and working on the clock average of FIFTEEN hours a day of minimum wage 3 days a week with 3-5 hours of sleep and no time to cook or clean etc. and to just rest outside of a couple minutes. im worried about my health because it mainly is straing because it takes about 70 minutes to get from job 1 to job 2 and then i get there and have work in 15 minutes... saturday is my only day off and i spent since 5pm last night sleeping til 730 am then fell asleep from 9 til like 30 minutes ago and its all about to start again. im doing this to save for a car and eventually see my daughter and get the ball rolling in other areas (cant say here).....i have about 300$ saved next week ill have about 550$ and from their a continual steady climb of about 250-350 a week depending on hunger and planning (carrying 5lbs of bananas and apples does more damage on me sometimes).....

I felt nervous posting this asking for phone numbers. I think I felt nervous because I was scared if somebody was going to get mad at me for asking for phone numbers, or call me names, or tell me i need to just post my answers here, etc. I felt the need to defend myself and possibly not even make this post at all - because I didn't want to be "attacked", because I would experience great discomfort with the possible disapproval. I feel guilty for creating something that someone else might not approve of or like that would then not be my friend and consider me a loser or something I think the part of me most that needs my lovin' is my little inner child asking to taken care of and protected from bullies. I have denied what I feel because it was convenient, I'd forget, some times I wouldn't but I'd think there's no other way, thinking or feeling these things is strictly prohibited, because then these same people your scared of know why your scared of them and can exploit you further. I haven't been willing to see that I am valuable, and that others opinion and wants, needs, preferences aren't my priority. There is a convening of sorts on the forums here, but I'm apart of this community, and yea I'm not a current donator unfortunately, but I put my time in here and I think I owe it to myself to make this thread if I so choose. If somebody else doesn't like it or doesn't want it, then they can tell me, perhaps offer me criticisms or suggestions, or move on, or make their own thread and show me an example of a better way to do this. There are pleanty of options, and if virtually nobody wants this post up, they can just have it removed, or a moderator can warn me about this, or I can get a low rating on my post so not many will bother wasting their time. This is voluntarism, not family, dysfunction, abuse, wretched emotional empovershment - this is a site, and category of this site, for personal development; or, self-knowledge. Reflection..It felt robotic going through that, those things are true, but it's like I'm still not getting to them. This is why I think counseling is so much more important then simply writing and playing this self-knowledge thing solo, at least for my case, as I've been pretty significantly emotionally abused. I would really like to discuss these questions and go through stuff like this with others in this community. If anyone has a way of getting the message out there to any others interested in the same topics, please forward them this thread. If they have not signed up for FDR (get them to sign up!), then if you could personally message me and I'll give you my number to give to them. I really look forward to talking to ya'll, and aw heck, here's my # 1-386-847-2930.. What's the worst that could happen? name's Anthony.

http://www.wellbeingalignment.com/emotional-pain.html my compassion, love and attention right now?

when the fear, anxiety, anger hits me... Well, I'm trying to decide what to do about custody and visitation for my daughter. I can't afford a lawyer, that's for sure, so I want to find out what I can do about custody in the courts to have fair access to my daughter. The only option I have as of now, with my wife's consent, is seeing her in public with her present. When she is though, I have anxiety/fear/anger/, and I would prefer not to be there at all. I have tried to ignore these feelings, or take deep breathes and recognize them, but it doesn't work, I know they are provoked by my wife, and I know some of it has to do with my childhood, but most of it has to do with her reactions - like she reinforces a lot of my childhood fears I had growing up. She openly rejects, ridicules me, etc. For example, she'll go off and tell me how wrong it is to use a dirty sponge on my child's inner thigh that I washed thoroughly before using - and then tell me I'm an endagerment to my daughter because of that and will only accept me being with her in public. Or, I'll be looking at my daughter in the mirror with her and she'll be nervous, worried etc. and not trust me and start a fight with me for being with her without her (I locked the door). The thing is I don't like my wife at all, and that's putting it very nicely. I don't want her to be present in the same shopping center as me, I wouldn't feel comfortable with her being in an aisle over from me, and has way more to do with her being skeptical of my parenting, but moreso of the hurtful and just plain wrong things she says about me. For instance, she called me Narcissistic, unimaginative, twisted, unempathetic, uncurious, suggested I need a psychiatrist, mean, rude - told me "I don't see it" - and it's not these mere accussations that trigger my feelings in and of themselves. It's the fact that when she does I ask what she means by that and what she's going off of etc. and she calls that "abusive" and spent three whole days, trying to convince me it was wrong for me not to just "trust" her "accept" what she says. I told her, if what you say is true, then I would really need you to point it out for me to see it. It would be like asking a blindfolded man to find a pig without proper use of his senses (gave a similar analogy) - it's virtually impossible. And even if it is, if she has this information, it would be really helpful for me to know. After I finally continued to argue against these points until they became dust, she started to open up more a little. She said it's rude to interrupt people..... She said it's rude to use a dirty sponge on her...... I told her (reminding her) of all the accusations she's made of me, and told her that she must have some knowledge of the term, so I want to make sure I"m correct about what she's saying, so if she could define them and clearly show how I'm breaking them. She reluctantly agreed, then she told me she'd send me an email at 3pm. 3pm came, never sent it. by 6 pm, and a few excuses later, she told me that she's scared to send it because I'm just going to twist it and not believe what she's saying. I was getting really angry, because she seriously has called me these things to no avail, over and over again and as I tried to understand each one in argument as she called me the accusation, she'd just accue me of something else. And now, being separated from the event, and her accusing me of these things so I can look at the evidence clearly, she never sent me the message. I told her nevermind. She said more than just what I put here, but she was butterring it up like if i disagreed with her or whatever that it was because I was twisting or there was something wrong with me. This is coming from the person who says I'm brainwashing here when I'm asking her questions and explaining myself.....anyhow, this is just one example of seriously, hundreds, of what goes on. I'm in desperate need of a 3rd party, I'm going to counselling tomorrow and this is going to be the subject, but man o man, I wish the answer on what to do for my daughter was clear.

I apologize in advance for the content in this letter.... it will probably be offensive too many people in some way, I'm sorry for that - however, what matters, is the truth, of course! I..Do not care about my daughter enough. I am actively thinking about making a political, selfish decision to preserve myself from my wife - which excludes my daughter from my life. The story goes like this.... my wife is making up these rules - basically I can only see my daughter in a public place AND she has to be there watching me interact with her. This is highly destructive to me. Usually when she's watching she's highly anxious or critical of me in some subtle and noticeable way. Now, I know "but you're going to put your daughter through that?" - yes, she is already going through that as I type this, without me there (my wife moved out and says its because she's scared of me and doesn't want to see me anywhere unless public and it has to be planned). I don't think this is fair to my daughter, Lilly, at all. She needs a present male role model, one that cares and loves for her - which I do, however, I am also more selfish than caring maybe, I don't know but it's where I'm leaning - which would mean that I probably don't love her like I claim, possibly - again, I don't know, but I"m open to these things. How I would be present..... If my wife and I could have shared custody (she wants full custody) - and be it without her present (using frozen/refridgerated bottled milk + formula) then I would absolutely love for that to happen. Now, she is absolutely against this, so this is where I'm being political..... I'm taking the rug from underneath her feet. Tomorrow I will be gone from this house, and I will not be paying her anything, no money at all. If she wants child support, she will have to negotiate with me - this is the only place I have leverage on her possibly. Her Mom, brother, step-dad are all supporting her. They are all housing her and looking after my daughter for her and interacting with her. All of these people....including the mom (and my wife), have varying degrees of pretty violent behaviors. These are the kinds of people who would probably condone shooting you for you disagreeing with them in a statist discussion. This is absolutely wrong to my BABY GIRL! Me being there for her for 2 hours or something because I'm working two jobs and riding my bike 6-7 miles to each one and have to rest etc. isn't going to help.....much...but obviously, with me being peaceful and a positive influence on her in other ways, those 2 hours could be really good for her. Now, she's still under only a month old, but this all matters already. I'm juggling in my head whether to be there at all for her or not. THis is the analogy I came up with. It's like two people are pushing a wheel chair of a handicapped man who can't speak, can't see and can't understand where he is. One person is pushing from one arm of the wheel chair, while another from the otherside. Now, both of these people decided, willingly, through the effects of their actions, to be pushing this man (we both had unprotected sex for 5 months). Now, the other person pushing the chair is telling me I have to push it with my arms put at a certain angle, and I have to wear a certain shirt, and use a certain lotion on my hands, etc. If I disagree with her, she's taking the wheelchaired person from me. Now, I'm leaving her with the wheelchaired person (my daughter) without giving her money for the wheel chair (money for child support) unless she stops with the rules. Now, I know in and of itself, that is a rule. But it is my right as a parent, a right she has already granted herself (she is without my supervision and with my daughter). So, until it is fair (we can both push the wheelchair with using the same grip and lotion, arm sleeves, etc.) then she will have to buy the wheelchair parts, etc. on her own. She is granting herself superiority, not 50/50 "ownership" of our daughter. This is what I'm going through right now..... Another place..... my daughter is not going to develop as healthy without me in her life. Right now it's just not really possible...and may be more traumatic for her to be travellling so much just to see me for two hours or so, or even for a whole day if I have it off..... I don't know everything all together what is best for her, and in deciding what's best for her, I have to include the political actions to dissuade certain things from happening, I just don't know if this is the right approach or not.. comments, thoughts, suggestions?

yes im feeling more and more optimistic the less time i spend with talking to my wife

welcome

I'm completely done with it. I have all the closure I need now. I have been reading messages my wife and I exchanged when we were in the beginning of our relationship over the internet and comparing it to now and virtually nothing has changed with her. I have changed a lot since then, but not nearly as much as I'd like, and I can't be honest with these things with her. The thing is, I can, but when I do, she attacks me. I will just objectively explain away a story about what happened that involves her brother, her, her Mom, or anybody she knows and "Loves" and she will attack me when there's something she doesn't like about it etc. she does this very sarcastic, contemptuous, angry, sad and hyper-critical emotional voice and body movement. She bows her head down, lunges it forward slightly, widens her eyes, and says two-four words, very sarcastically. This kind of behavior, she only uses on these "Claimed" "Loved" people. So, basically, yea, there's a lot of other things too, but I'm just trying to give ya'll a slight example here. And yea, I really fucked up man, REALLY REALLY fucked up. Unfortunately there is nothing I can do about that now, we have a kid together - in terms of that I mean, I'm going to be here for her. The plan... I just got a second job, I'm going to be working a typical day 630-2, then 3-11:15, anywhere from 3-5 days a week between two jobs. One of them I will have off for 2-3 days consecutively. I will get roughly 30 hours at each job, some times more/less. I'll play it safe, and conservatively that would be 55x7.31 =402, so basically, worst case scenerio, including tax, maybe a short day because one of the jobs is a restaurant and they cut hours when it's slow, etc. then I'll make at least 350$ a week. That pretty much doubles my monthly revenue. Now, working 55 hours between two different jobs, with there being 256 hours in a week, and most of the time working is during lit hours, I am not sure how to fit in a constant schedule with my daughter. But, the days I have off at job two, are night times, and the hiring manager, Darla, says she gives days off consecutively. So, on those nights, I will request to have at least one of those days off with my other job, so then I will have a night, and a day, and possibly that same night off so I have two nights and a day with my daughter a week, as a minimum. Now, that's bear minimum, I still want to be present more than that, and if there was a way I could be with my daughter more, I would, and I'm still going to keep trying to find new ideas, but, basically...this is what I'm starting with. Now, as of now, I'm still living with my "Wife", and she's agreed to give me rides to work until then, and I'm saving up for a vehicle to move out, and I'm currently looking for a room/shared situation and interviewing room mates and trying to find a place where it's okay to have my daughter with me at least two full days and nights a week. This, I think, is actually going to be the toughest part of the deal, like practically, because I don't know full knowledge of these people and im moving in with total strangers, but I still think this is better than being with my wife overall. EVEN FOR MY DAUGHTER! anyhow, and sorry, i am flipping around here - it's just pretty hectic for me right now ; ' ( ...... I made a huge fucking mistake but I'm going to spend my life working to fix it if necessary and will do everything I can for myself and my daughter to keep ourselves healthy and happy at the very best of my ability, no matter what....she's a superstar....my superstar.... I guess now I will have to focus on myself...like obviously I'm going to be tired, very tired some times...so I'll do things and like go out for a massage in between my two jobs for an hour, on the days that I start job 2 at 4pm and get out of job 1 at 1pm.....or something, and relax in the sun with a good book, or just pick up my daughter and go out to the park with her or something....whatever I can do... thoughts, comments, suggestions?