Hey Keith,
for what it's worth, here are some thoughts on what I get from your post, looking from the outside in so to speakFrom what you write it makes perfect sense to me, that fdr brings out a lot of anger in you. You describe "the community" as one big perfect happy thing, which you need to adapt to and which you feel unable to meet its standards. The first thought that comes to my mind hearing that description is being a kid and having to adopt to the parents standards and being rejected for simply being yourself. It's very healthy and natural that this makes you angry, so I'm not surprised that fdr brings out "the worst" in you, though I wouldn't call it bad, it's a very healthy and accurate reaction to being in such a situation and since no one can express that anger when he is a kid the anger accumulates over time and now, when a similar scenario presents itself, will try to (finally) express itself.You also say you feel rejected, but end with saying you don't want to be you. And you say that your anger is "the worst in you", which is itself a form of rejection towards yourself. So regardless of what you're gonna do or where you're going from here, it's probably a good idea, to not reject your anger and be honest and curious about its origins, letting it express itself and be acknowledged. Since not being acknowledged (being rejected) let to the surpression in the first place, continuing to reject it can't and won't help.Also, there's nothing wrong with violent torture or murder fantasies in that regard, should they come up. I personally found those both helpful and very healthy, when I finally allowed myself to let my own anger towards my parents express itself.It's also literally impossible to want someone who doesn't want himself. Since not wanting yourself means you self-erase to some degree, so that directly erases the person who could be wanted in the first place (hope that makes sense). What I mean to say is, that as long as you reject yourself, it's simply impossible for anyone else to connect to you, so no one outside of you can do anything to break that cycle for you.I'm truly sorry for what you've gone through in your life. I can't even imagine what kind of horrors you experienced in your childhood that you ended up with borderline, anxiety disorder, ocd and depression. So I hope these thoughts can help you somewhat and I wish you the best of succes in finding a way to heal these wounds.