_Michael

Hi. I can relate to your history since my mother is similar in some ways. One thing to remember is that you dont need to visit or call her. You dont even have to explain yourself. If she asks you(you dont need to give her that option), you can respond that you just dont feel like it. Treat her as any other person who would treat you like this. You are now adult and you dont need to play by her rules anymore, since now every relationship is voluntary, including parental. Good to have some kind of ears to hear you at the same time, i hear that you have it. I know that if I dont have proper support and healthy lifestyle habits I can go back to my coping mechanisms. If I have support I am less likely to fall of the wagon. Stay strong.

Thanks for starting this topic Kevin. I searched web for audio journals tips and to get others experience on it. I use my phone to record my dreams when I wake up in the night. And I write them down on morning. But I find it inefficient, becouse this take too much time. So I search for someting that will help me. I dont know how to get the best of it. I was thinking maybe I need to delete recordings, and let transcriptions stay, so I dont need to think about them both exist. I also thought about writing them down on computer, so I dont need to waste time in the morning to write them down from recordings. I wonder how you deal with dreams? I find it inspirational to journal for 30 minutes in a row and take 3 topics. I think I would try it out. Kevin, as to your family experience. I am sory you were bullied by your sisters. I know the pain, how annoying and hell it can be. My older brother use to tease and humiliated me alot. And other siblings treated me as less of a family member, who deserve mocking. I think that this affected me that I have hard time to resist teasing today in many situations, even that I am much older now. Rainbow Jams. I am sory you experience this with your mother. She dont have right to turn that way. I can relate too. Mine at some point just let go and lost interest in family. And she used to tell me that. That in the past she care about my siblings, but now she dont care anymore. That my father drinking made her that. She use to make them birthday partys and invite friends of my siblings, and she just dont care about me... great mom! She become that woman who just want you to behave and care for her, and I hate her for doing that. She dont have right to do that to me, or rather to not do for me that she did for my siblings.

RoseCodex. It is hard to think that about my mother. Even imagine that. It was always about her and her needs. The divorce was hard on her("family"). She never ask me how I feel about it, neither he. She was acting out around, with him, making scenes, yealing at the women he cheated on. She was making alot of noise around, and then complaining in home about how hard it is for the family, which she never give a second to think about in the first place. Now I am thinking about her as scary, crazy woman. Thanks for your perspective. Few other things came to my mind. She just wanted easy money, to everything be like she wanted, unable to compromise and let go and I dont respect her for that now. I am thinking how this affected me after listening to podcast, and I wonder how this affected my present situation. I am renting room from a woman, and her husband disapear. I wonder If I have something to do with that, If I dont repeat my home situation, when I was living with my mom. I am living here for two years now. I feel guilty and responsible. They where discussing and fighting a little bit and now he is gone. She is very narcissistic woman, hard on her doughter, she care alot about looks, and cleanness around the house and inside. I feel traped once again, and feeling contempt for the women I am living with. I wonder why I am repeating the same situation and what can I do to escape and do not repeat it again. I am thinking about changing room, but it makes me feel guilty for thinking about it. My father didn't want custody. He gave it up just like house. He wanted to see me sometimes, but I always feel pushed, or guilty for meeting him. Like my mother pushed or make me feel guilty. Like in childchood when she pushed me to be with him when he was drunk, or leave me with him. I was trying to think what would happen if they blamed themselfes. And first what came to my mind is "no way, they would never do that!" It is very hard to imagine that happening, they both always played victims, and it feels strange, like I was lacking somethink that they owe me. Scared, angry.

Thanks for writing. It makes me sad too. I was angry, frustrated before. But I think it begins to be clear to me and that's why I feel more sad. I was trying with mother, never about divorce tho. She makes me feel guilty for even opening my mouth about this topic. She told me that I am complaning. That you cant change anythink, why bother. Part of me is still angry, becouse complains about my father where not bad, but when I talk about myself, it is outdated, dont matter etc. My father just blame me for his shortcomings. He told me that he dont know how to talk to me, and put some untrue rumors about me. Last time he said to my sister, that he dont know how to help me, but he miss me My brother have that position about truth, that "who knows? what is truth?" and other bullshit like this. I have hard time giving up hope about them understanding me, like part of me still wanted them to be different. But they are not. They have kids, they make their mistakes, many like my parents, and they are ok with many things that I am not. And they seemed happy together, which makes me sick, becouse I remember what was happening, what they did, and I cant understand these happy pictures of seemingly normal family when I see them on facebook. I dont know If this is ok, that I am talking about it openly here. It feels like I am doing some bad thing, and hurting people just writing it. Thanks for even reading it. I would update when I make progress in my understanding.

Thanks for you both responses. I will listen to that podcast lens. Thanks for staying on my side as a child. At some level I felt and still feel that even thinking about this topic is still playing this role of picking sides and bouncing between them. Abuse was very often in my family. Between them, and to me personally as a child. Thanks lorr for sharing about your father. It means much to me that you, as a child of alcoholic too are not excusing her like some of my family members that pick her side partially and are playing into her game of poor mother. And sory that your father was alcoholic too. Denial in my family is huge in the deeper areas. I dont know If that is only alcoholic families or in general dysfunctional families.

Hi. I didnt know If I should post this thread in Men's Issues subforum, or here. It affected me personally, so I decided to post it here, but the problem is about my parents divorce and my issues with it. I still have problems figuring stuff out after 12 years. They divorces when I was 15. The issue that come up with me is how the house was given to my mother, and that he still payed child support for me after divorce. And there are issues surrounding their explenations of things. Lots of confusion in me about it. I stayed with my mother after divorce, maybe that is why I have one sided view of it. But now I live on my own and am trying to figure this out, after watching latest Stef's video on youtube called "cheating, flirting and the opposite sex". My father payed repayments for house during their marriage. And payed approximately half the salary of my mother monthly to her. They both work. My father did not do any of house work. I was so to speak in that role. The problem that I need to figure out is that if that was fair, that my mother was given house and child support after divorce. The divorce was proclaimed as his fault, becouse of cheating(after she find out that he cheat she wanted divorce), abuse, alcoholism etc. He wanted to take us to court, but she refuses, becouse as she said she dont want us to go thru this. But now I am confused. Was that fair? That she takes the house? Was that in our good, that we where not taken to court? Or that was her cover explanation. My father was mostly absent during my childhood. I heared mostly from my mother how dick he was. Occasionally my father was doing the same as to her. Is his dickishness explain or justify that she was given house after divorce. Was that fair? I was thinking about talking about it with my father. But I am hesitant. He will rant me about how horrible this was to live with her and I will feel angry at her. And when I talk with her, she will rant me about him being a dick. Like bouncing ball I will feel, so i write here. Maybe someone can give me some clarity. Thanks for any response.

Hi. I want to write about my experience with bullying. And I would appreciate any feedback and advice. I was being continually teased by my brother. I dont know if this enter category of bullying. I was chased by him after house, he on various occasions was trying to break my door and enter my room, he do that when I was taking shower or was in toilet. I was never safe in my house. I know that he was acting out what my father was doing. My father few times was trying to break to my room drunk on the night. I was tryin to keep door closed with my mother, with whom I slept with in my room for long time. And I recently found out, when I listen to Sunday Call In Show about listener who harrased some other kids, that I bullied one kid with my "friend" at the time. Nothing big, but we chase him and make fun of him. He throw rocks at us, and we do it in revenge. We chase him after that. In fact, my friend do much of this, I was passive usualy, but not always. I enjoy this at the time and I find it sick now. I know that I have similar experience in school. I was trying to get close to brutal guys, and I get beaten few times by them. This boy was trying to get close to us maybe, and I act out my trauma. One time I push one boy on wall in school in preety brutal way. I was feeling disrespected in some way and I do that. I overreacted and I feel sory for that too. Now. I am thinking about writing to them both and make apology. They both come from sick houses, just as I was. I am afraid of doing so. I am afraid that they may mock me for that. By in the other way, I think that I fear taking responsibility and that pain I am afraid of Is my pain that I put on them. I will appriciate any feedback. If this will be ok to write to them on facebook?

I struggle too with that guilt. Just like making my mom ok was my obligation. This is abuse from the beginning. I now starting to feel hatred towards them. My mother deny everything and manipulate me into further exploitation, my dad just ignore me totally. Last book I read help me a little, but I think it will help me further if I finish it. "Silent Seduction" by Kenneth Adams. I recomend it totally. Straight and clear, without beating around the bush. Good luck with them(or without them).

Hello. I am from Poznań(Poland). Maybe someone near?

She dont exacly use that word, but meaning is the same and this is something that is hard to handle. I was on 2 boards, in several therapies and 4 years on drugs. But my life is mess, my private life and relationships dont exist. My work relationships are too bad/non existed. I feel so isolated and alone. I know that i need therapy. I think I will try one more time with some ACoA free therapy.

Hello Thomas. I live in Poznań. This is too far for me right now to met you.. Thanks for you words. I write sms to my mother. I do that sometimes. I dont know why. Some kind of desperation i think. What I get? Forget, it will be bether for you and all of us, if you stop telling me about how I abuse and not protect you, how you was neglected when you was a child. Why cant live my life? Heh? Why cant I? Why cant I... I feel devastated. I dont know how to speak to her. She just tell me that it would be better for everyone if i kill myself(edit. sory, I mean in meaning, that i should shut up, not in words - "kill yourself", I am sory for that exaggeration)... Or I miss "unconditional love" message..

Thanks for that. I think that this is true. First mirrors are hardest to overcome. And I consciusly know it, that I can write english quite well, but that insecurity implanted by them is very strong, and i try to work this out. I know that i have much work to do with grieving. SirJames, you are good at cognitive site, and I appretiate this. On the other hand I sometimes feel guilty about that kind of answers you gave me, as I was with my sister, who want me to somehow get over this, this pain, that needed to be work out thru. I think both needed to be applied in therapy, but gently. Today I am in the state of hating my extended family. Realize that they are using me as "mascot". Gave candies, coddling. This is the same as my mother did to me, trying to recompensate lack of love and truth about what is going on, what her and my father do. And I realize, that my extended family, and people in general, do the same thing. They treat me not like person, who suffer, who is ashamed about his pain, but like mascot who needed to be cheered up. I realize that this was there need, and that that was abusive to me. I was in the grocery store today, and there was women with her mother and children. Boy simmer his sister, and mothe of that women tell him to stop, then this women do the same. She just constantly repeating what her mother say, and not doing anythink to stop him, defend that smaller child. They just stay there giving orders to this boy. Shopkeeper just smile to them. I was freeze, dealing with my anxiety. I realize that i am stuck in the realm of my childhood, where no one saw what I am going thru. Everyone was with my mother, who play victim. i constantly feel bad about being open. I hesitate between staing silent, tell about this someone in private, or in this topic. But everywhere i feel this shame that tell me to be silent and feel bad about opennes, so i give up, and fuck this voice up.

What do you mean by saing that my insecurity is "contrived"? Can you explain this more clearly?

Thanks for welcome John Diasper. Sir James III. You have right with that outcast. I put myself in position of outcast, identified with that role, and feel that this is my need. In fact, this role prevent my true self and needs to manifest.

Thanks for warm welcome. Yes, intelectually I know this(about my family). But I isolating myself and i hope this forum will help me to get over this. I feel owfully rather with opennes and needing/not needing. I feel owful when I am on the table. But I need to overcome this. I know that this is becouse of them, i try to tell this to myself. Thanks for pointing this to me, this is helpful. I just registrate so I feel new and dont read much, but i view much of stef's videos on youtube, and I found them very encouriging and helpful in realizing my family situation. I think now i want and need to get more of the philosophy and community to get it to my life rather that only reading/watching.