mahayana

Dsayers, I also just read about what you're going through. I'm in shock that this has happened to you. I am so sorry! You are by far one of the people on these boards whose posts I enjoy reading most because your intelligence & empathy really shines through. Nobody deserves to go through what happened to you, but especially not YOU! I just can't believe it, and I hope it is obvious to the courts that you are totally innocent. I'm here if you need to talk. I'm in southern California and have a safe place & extra bedroom if things get rough and you need a place to stay while you sort things out.

So let me get this straight. This lawyer's assertion is that the only peaceful way to resolve a contracts case is through an entity whose existence relies solely on force (which is anything but peaceful)? Why don't those going into the contract simply address the issue of what should happen in the event that one party defaults on a debt and outline a list of approved solutions/debt arbitrators?

Thank you, that's good to know. I certainly wouldn't consider hallucinogens a one stop cure but perhaps in combination with therapy it could lead to some good results. It really helped me to step outside of myself & evaluate my own situation. Over 15 years later I still am completely grateful for the experience. I'm looking at the book on amazon & it looks really interesting. It looks like the author's PTSD was a result of conflict from war. Is the book relevant for someone like FreedomPhilosopher even though his PTSD stems from childhood trauma?

I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. And I'm sorry someone down voted your post. (WTF people?! really?) I hope you're able to address the root cause of your problem & find some happiness in your life. I really haven't heard much on FDR about hallucinogens & this might be looked down upon here, but have you considered trying hallucinogens as therapy? Recently I have come across some compelling articles on the benefits of using hallucinogens such as mushrooms or ayahuasca to treat depression & PTSD. (This of course would be in a controlled setting with a trusted guide) Here's one article that might interest you: "The impact is long lasting, as well. A Johns Hopkins study found that a majority of subjects who took psilocybin had personality changes that lasted for over a year. Almost all participants in another Hopkins psilocybin study said the experience was one of the most meaningful of their lives." http://reset.me/story/how-psilocybin-improves-your-brain/ If that's not at all something you would consider, here are some articles that are a good starting point for learning how to rewire your brain. http://reset.me/story/neuroplasticity-the-10-fundamentals-of-rewiring-your-brain/ https://blog.bufferapp.com/how-to-rewire-your-brains-for-positivity-and-happiness Good luck to you.

YES, I agree with you on this. When I said she is well provided for I meant financially. Any man I potentially date in the future wouldn't have to wonder if I was using him to support my child. I realize the damage being done to her as a result of being without a father on a daily basis. This is my fault. I don't take this lightly, sorry if I portrayed myself as if I did. "you all wonder why Stefan, I, and rational people view single mothers with such disdain." It might seem like a conflict of interest with me being a single mom myself but I fully understand the destructiveness single motherhood plays on society. I wouldn't be here if I wasn't in agreement with those views.

Question not satisfactorily addressed to us by B0b.

1. NO, this was not at all the case. I honestly wasn't attracted to the guy physically. He was a nice guy that had been pursuing me for years. I wanted to break the cycle of disastrous relationships & decided to give it a shot with someone who was very different from what I'd typically date. (That obviously didn't work out well) To me this is irrelevant though. 2. agree 3. That's fine if that is your opinion, it's just very different from mine. Even if I didn't have a child, I would never consider it demeaning or insulting to date a man w/children. Who said anything about supporting? My child only relies on two people to support her & that is her father & I. Her needs are very well taken care of. ""Frankly, you chose the "alpha f*cks, beta bucks" model of reproduction" What I took from your model of reproduction is that you are insinuating I fucked an alpha & expected a beta to foot the bill. I've never been or wanted to be supported by any man & I don't expect to change anytime soon. I respect your opinion that single moms have lower value than that of non-single moms. I have a different way of quantifying relationship value & mine just doesn't deduct points for past actions so long as the individual recognizes their errors & has taken steps to rectify the situation. "The only roughly fair deal would be the exact situation you say you aren't "thrilled about," i.e., "dating a man with kids." The fact that you say, "I am not thrilled at the thought of dating a man with kids," really proves to me that you consider yourself higher value than a man of the exact same circumstances, and that's misandry whether you intended it to be or not." Ha, I'm an admitted misogynist (working on this) but the misandry certainly wasn't intended. When I said I'm not thrilled to date a man with kids I specifically meant the part about having to deal with the ex in our lives. The majority of single dads I've come across have terrible relationships with their exes & seem to have endless drama. I'm definitely not expecting single men to be interested in me (although the majority that have asked me out are single) I really have no expectations whatsoever. ALL single mothers who date inherently lower the value of whoever they date because of the new man's relationship to the mother's child and because of the quality of sex. That is, even if you're dating just for sex, the common perception is that women who have given birth have looser vaginas than those who have not (exercises and age of motherhood determines how true that is). Be it a casual or long-term relationship, single mothers are lower value than women who are not single mothers. I don't think I agree with you on the lowered value due to quality of sex part. I would lump a loose vagina in with physical preferences regardless of whether the woman had a kid or not. There are plenty of factors that contribute to quality of sex that have nothing to do with child birthing. I'm really not familiar enough with postpartum vaginal elasticity (vaginal elasticity is my new favorite word) to know whether this is a common occurrence!

No kid gloves needed here. I completely appreciate the honesty. I only know a handful of single moms personally but I have heard enough horror stories to believe that a lot of them are villains. I'm equally repulsed when the media puts single moms on pedestals. It sends a very destructive message and only perpetuates the welfare state and breakdown of families. "Frankly, you chose the "alpha f*cks, beta bucks" model of reproduction and came up snake eyes" That mentality is truly foreign to me and I can assure you was not the case in my situation. I think it would be an error to assume that this is the case for all single moms. My getting knocked up was purely a result of extremely poor and irresponsible decision making. I attempted to make the relationship with the father work but was not successful. (Also my fault for my poor judgement in picking a partner) As a person with an ACE score of 6 (maybe 7), I am not that shocked that I've had a history of destructive decision making. I say that not as a defense or for sympathy, but as my own recognition to the fact that when your internal GPS is flawed and the maps are wrong, you are going to take a few wrong turns. I'm crushed that it took bringing a little human into the world for me to realize this & to change course. "I'm a guy who has lacked a father my entire life, so I figure you should know exactly the kind of mental anguish women like yourself often bring upon your children. When I think about my dad, I feel like I'm being suffocated under a blanket of numbness that I can't claw out of. " I'm so sorry you went through this. It sounds terrible. I did have a two parent household but that is not always better in every case. One of my lasting memories of my father is of him shutting windows & the screen glass door so that the neighbors wouldn't hear my screams for him to help as my mother straddled herself on top of myself choking me. I'm still undoing the damages of a father who sat by in silence while his children were pummeled by his psychotic wife. I don't know if because of this past of mine I am now broken & unworthy of love. In the six years since her father & I split up, I have dated one man that lasted for maybe two months. He was what I perceived to be a good man but I had to end it because I couldn't juggle a relationship with the duties of being a mom & attending school. This was three years ago and I gotta tell you, I'm not sure if my decision to remain single is necessarily in the best interest of my daughter. (She is actually urging me to meet a nice man that likes kids and animals) I have not yet attained perfect self-knowledge & virtue, but when I get a little closer to it I just might put myself out there and be open to dating again. I don't expect to date some perfect man who has made zero bad decisions in his life, but maybe I'll meet one in a similar boat as mine who has perhaps come from a broken past but seeks a different future.

For me I realize that as a single mom, the decisions I've made in my past have made it difficult for me to now date a "quality man". I'm not sure if I ever will meet that person but I'm certainly open to the possibility. I have listened to nearly all of Stef's videos on single moms & I wouldn't be here on the FDR boards if I wasn't in agreement with the message. I take full responsibility for my past choices & am taking whatever actions necessary to mitigate the damage caused. I absolutely understand why men would not be interested in me in the same way I am not thrilled at the thought of dating a man with kids. Having to deal with someones ex-wife/girlfriend sounds like a nightmare. He would have to have some pretty damn good qualities for me to overlook that. If I do meet someone, I would expect nothing less than for him to see my being a single mom as a red flag (I wouldn't be interested in him if he didn't). I would hope that after some intense inquiry, that person could see that the good far outweighs the bad.

Heehee, I knew there were a couple of us on the boards here.

The original post states that this guy has a history of dating single moms: "A 28yo male who has a history of dating single mums" It could be a coincidence that he keeps finding authentic love and great matches in women who happen to have children but the chances of that are slim. My dating history is brimming with dysfunctional relationships. All of them were useful upon examination for helping to attain greater self knowledge. I wonder if this fellow has ever stopped to ask, "Hey, I wonder why I keep falling for single moms. What happened in my past that makes me attracted to these types of women?" About a year ago I was taking some classes at a local community college and I would get the same type of guy hitting on me. It was always very young men, (some nearly 10 years younger than I) that were aware of the fact I had a small daughter yet would pursue me. My first thought was always, "what's wrong with him?!" These weren't guys looking for an easy lay, they were sweet & puppy dog-like young men. It is a very weird thing being a single mom when the first red flag you find in a man is the fact that they like you. haha

Maybe this 40yo single mom has a heart of gold and lives a life consistent with the morals & values we here at FDR share. Maybe, but not likely. If this guy has a history of dating single moms, I would lean more toward the likelihood that having been raised by teenage parents, he lacks the self esteem & confidence to date quality single women. Maybe being the white night & being there to rescue this single mom gives him a sense of worth he just doesn't get elsewhere. Or, perhaps he seeks the nurturing nature that some mothers & older women possess because he never received that from his own mother as a child. In either case it is obviously dysfunctional & he would probably benefit from therapy. Just the 2 cents of a single mom.

I can't count how many times my mother lamented over how she sacrificed herself and carried me for nine long months. She would constantly remind me that she had to give up so much for me. She thought she was getting me to appreciate & respect her but it only increased my resentment towards her. It was very belittling and terrible for my self esteem. Taking care of your children is not a sacrifice. Having children is a choice and prior to making that choice the parent has hopefully taken into consideration all of the responsibilities that will be required of them. To consider the necessary requirements of child rearing (having a job, giving up certain activities, caring & feeding of children, etc...) a sacrifice is completely absurd. Children don't ask to be born. They come into existence because of the parent's decision to have them. You can't demand appreciation from your children, you have to earn it.

I have a theory for why there are so few female anarchists. Women tend not to think analytically. From a young age males tend to be more analytical than females. This is even obvious in the way they play. Young boys are more interested in manipulating objects like blocks or legos when girls seem to prefer playing with dolls and playing house. Boys are inclined to play sports or games that are physical in order to discover hierarchy amongst themselves, establishing who the alphas are. I'm not sure if these differences are more influenced by biology or environment (I personally believe it's slightly more environmental) but it's obvious these differences exist between the sexes. In adulthood, you can also observe more men having professions that require analytical & reasoning skills where women tend to hold jobs that often involve the care of others like nursing, teaching, childcare, etc... The presence of the hormones estrogen & progesterone in women probably have a strong influence on these occupational leanings. These hormones have a lot to do with why people perceive women to be more emotional and empathetic. When it comes to politics, there's a fairly equal amount of male & female involvement. (at least in my area) The lack of female participation seems to be exclusive to Anarchism. One person said earlier in the thread that women have an aversion to risk taking. I think this is very true. Women are less likely to go against the grain when baby making hormones are coursing through their body. Women crave stability and safety in order to raise children. Pursuing anarchism in a statist society is very unsettling. Those hormones that make women more emotional also make them more prone to falling for appeals to emotion. I'm completely surrounded by Liberal women demanding for the government to take away the guns, increase the min. wage, increase welfare, free healthcare etc... (Most of these women I see are educated and financially stable so it's not looking for welfare for themselves) Their instinct to care for and nurture extends to their politics where they want the state to play the role of the concerned and caring father. Their inability to reason or to think analytically prevents them from realizing that the state NEVER does what's in the best interest for the people. Women would rather live the illusion that government is here to help than face the fact that the entire foundation of their society is built on lies. Men on the other hand have had practice in challenging hierarchies since childhood so are more likely to challenge the concept of government. For me personally, I think what led me to becoming an anarchist is different from most of the men here. I get the feeling that for a lot of the men here, they are drawn to anarchism because of a strong desire for personal freedom. For me it was more of a humanitarian endeavor. I'm not sure about the other women. From the age of 16 I became interested in politics. I became very interested in government corruption and eventually became so repulsed I tuned out on politics for quite some time. I was always a bleeding heart though and spent time rescuing animals, sponsoring poor kids in other countries, and printing & handing out various pamphlets. Later, I came to love watching the John Stewart Show & Rachel Maddow because they would always stick up for the little guys & weren't afraid to attack & make fools out of shitty politicians. I never associated myself with any political party but the dems appeared to be the least corrupt. The two issues I was most concerned about were war & poverty. I was sickened to live in a country that was responsible for murdering so many people. I also didn't understand why there was so much poverty in a country that was so wealthy. I did a lot of research which eventually led to me coming to terms with the immorality of government. My research also led me to the realization that all of the issues and problems I cared about were either created by the government or exacerbated by it. The only thing that prevented me from becoming a bleeding heart liberal is hours upon hours of research. So yeah, in short my theory is that a lot of women aren't into thinking analytically or rationally so that's why there are so few women anarchists. I know my theory is mainly based on anecdotal data so I might be completely wrong! I'd be curious to learn what led other FDR women here to becoming anarchists.

It wasn't until I watched the documentary #BeingThirteen on CNN last month that I became aware of just how bad social media addiction has become. This show scared the shit out of me. The phenomenon of teenagers becoming completely absorbed into a superficial, validation seeking virtual world isn't solely a problem for internet celebs. For those of you who cannot relate to a super hot chick complaining about how empty internet stardom feels, check out this show. If you have kids or are planning to, this pertains to you. 57% of kids polled would rather be grounded than lose access to their phone. I'm wondering how I'm going to protect my daughter from this when she grows up. It's obvious the girl in the video didn't have the greatest parents but after seeing all this I'm tempted to keep my child away from the internet until she's 30. http://www.cnn.com/specials/us/being13

I was just looking for studies like these a few days ago & didn't come up with much. These are amazing! I admire your ability to give this presentation in front of a classroom. Having to give a classroom speech would trigger so much stress & anxiety for me that I would sometimes opt for a lower grade rather than face my fear. Good for you for having the courage to do it. Thank you so much for sharing!

You left out the end of my sentence where I said she should be expelled. If she chooses to not put the phone away, she receives the punishment of being expelled. No rule breaking being allowed there. It sounds more feasible to me than what the cop did. "Empirical evidence shows that this is very unlikely. I've never seen a video of this kind of police action where the people witnessing it didn't at least verbalize their disapproval. It's not just that they were quiet. Watch their body language too." I'm not sure what you're implying by their body language & silence. Is it that they were in agreement with the actions of the officer? That's contrary to what another student claimed in an interview. The opinions of her peers is completely irrelevant to whether or not the officer was justified in his actions.

When I first saw this brought up on the news, I assumed the girl was white because the caption on the screen read "Officer slams student to the ground". With the MSM, when a story involves a black person, that is always in the title. This was a first that I've seen. Independent of race, my reaction was sadness & disgust, not only for the girl but for the students that had to witness this event. Regardless of whether you consider it a slam or a gentle tipping to the floor, this should have never escalated as it did. For one thing, what the fuck are SRO officers doing at a school in the first place? From what I heard, the schools in this area rely on police officers often to deal with kids. IMO, this is exactly why there's such an intense hatred for the cops in the black community. They're treated like criminals from the time they are children and the cycle of us vs them mentality is perpetuated. If I'd been in charge at the school, I would've let the girl remain in the class (she wasn't being loud & disruptive, she just refused to put her phone away) and expelled her until she could agree to being in class without her phone. The SRO officer seemed strong. Couldn't he have just carried her out of the class in the chair? For most of these kids (and I'm assuming for the girl involved) it's not the school system that's failing them, it's the parents. That's the real issue the MSM will never bring up. I think the other kids were quiet out of fear, not because they were relieved she was being dealt with. The girl that filmed was interviewed and said she didn't even know the girl and she was extremely quiet. For the SRO officer, he was just doing what officers do. The problem is in the schools reliance on them for dealing with non-criminal matters.

The teachers of the Montessori I visited were all AMI certified. It's one of the most highly regarded schools in the region. It looked like it was running extremely effectively. If you open up a Montessori parent's expect you to strictly adhere to its principles and methods. As groundbreaking as it was for its time, it seems like it would be very limiting to label your school as one preventing you from discovering further breakthroughs in education.

The Montessori method of education was certainly revolutionary for its time & I was intrigued when I read about it a few years back. When my daughter was 3, I was searching for a daycare/school to send her to part-time while I was finishing up my associates degree. There was a Montessori nearby and I called to arrange a time to check it out. They scheduled me for what they called an observation and I went in soon after to get a better idea of what the school was all about. As you know, they group the children together differently than traditional schools. For me, that meant my daughter would be grouped together with children ranging from ages 3 - 6. I walked into the classroom and was shown a chair in the center of the room. I was instructed to sit and observe for 10 minutes and told not to interact with the children. After sitting a few moments, I started to get the feeling I was in the twilight zone. I have never been in a room with so many young children and have it be so quiet! There was no talking and the children were at different stations working on various tasks. They were mainly math/alphabet related and one station had a girl painting. One child that looked 3 was walking around with a spay bottle and rag wiping tables. There was a boy on the floor not far from me with a string of beads. I think he was supposed to be adding beads in groups of ten but it was obvious he was extremely bored and that he was not doing it by choice. Another very young girl kept wandering over to a stack of books and an older girl would retrieve her. I heard her whisper to the little girl that she wasn't supposed to be over there. I began to wonder how my rambunctious daughter would fit in here. (I had never observed my daughter being silent for more than 10min except when she was sleeping.) Apart from the distracted boy and wandering girl, the children seemed completely focused on their task. I remember leaving there feeling impressed and totally weirded out. The children seemed like obedient little robots and I was bothered that there were no smiles or laughter. I'm sure they don't behave like that all day long but it still felt very unnatural. Have you visited a Montessori school? I'm not sure how close the actual schools are to Maria Montessori's vision. I ended up choosing a different school not only because it didn't seem compatible with my daughter, but also because the annual tuition of $10,000 was a bit more than I could afford. At this particular school, it is mostly the children of the upper and upper/middle class that attend. I would highly recommend visiting one just to make sure the school is actually what you envisioned before committing to any long term decisions. Maria's teaching style seems aligned with that of a lot of FDR parents in that they agree in letting the children choose the direction of their studies based on their individual interests. You wouldn't have to work at a Montessori school to teach children based on that philosophy. Have you considered starting your own school? Their waiting list was very long (I think it was about a year before I would get in) so alternative schooling is definitely in demand. Congrats on getting out of a toxic relationship! I hope you're taking some time to heal from that. I think getting an associates degree could be beneficial even if your goals change in the future. You might even discover something else you're passionate about. I fell in love with Biology while I was getting my associates degree. If I were a lot younger I would've definitely switched majors! You're so young, don't feel rushed to make a final career decision. You seem bright & empathetic, I'm sure you'll succeed at whatever you decide to do.

Wow, I really never considered acknowledging her anger & allowing her to experience it. Alleviating her frustration & convincing her she wasn't at fault was like a knee jerk reaction. Hmm, maybe my discomfort with her in pain has something to do with her hiding emotions. It's definitely something to think about. Thank you, be as critical as you want. I'm sorry you're feeling hangry, lol. Is that a combination of angry & hungry? Yeah, I have a huge problem with her being in public school! I know there is still being damage done by her just being there. I'm working on finding a way to homeschool her. There's now a hybrid school in my area that I might be able to do sooner than full on homeschooling. You attend the campus only a few hours twice a week. The rest of the studies are done at home at your own pace & some of it online. This might be a good transition before I homeschool so I can get a better feel for what will be required. I also like the idea that she'd have time to socialize with other kids. The school my daughter currently attends wouldn't be quite so bad if it wasn't for the common core curriculum. I can see how stressed the teachers are at having to cram so much into the daily routine. At this age, they should be doing way more play, crafts and group activities. Apart from that, this school runs very much how I would imagine a non-compulsory school would run in a free market. There is so much parent involvement and the principals & teachers seem to actually value the kids. The library is currently 100% parent volunteers. Just an hour from my daughter's school, there was actually a school that had to permanently close their library because of lack of funds. The Los Angeles School District is fraught with so much Union corruption & control, they successfully prevented willing parents from volunteering at their children's library! The union workers would rather the children have no library access if they can't earn their overpriced wages checking out books. That shit infuriates me & I am sooo relieved we're not over there. (We lived in LA for a short time so that could've been our school) Our school district isn't bankrupt so our kids still get to check out books and have music classes. Ha, I don't mean to sound like an advocate for public school. It could be way worse though.

Yea! Thanks for the link to that podcast! I've been wanting to listen to that again. As far as the organized sports go, we only do them one at a time. When my daughter was almost 4, I put her in a soccer class. She hated it so we dropped halfway through the 2nd class. At the time, I got a lot of criticism from family saying I was sending her a bad message. They thought it was teaching her to give up when things get tough. For me, it seemed terrible to force a small crying child to do something they didn't want to do so I went with what I felt was right. At the time I wasn't sure if I made the right decision but looking back I have no regrets. I will never have her do something she doesn't want to do. She gave soccer another try at 5 1/2 and she has loved it since. I see your point in my phrasing and I'm trying to recall how it happened. I'm on week 2 of being sick (getting over bronchitis) and my head is still very fuzzy. I've definitely found it more difficult to write! With soccer, my daughter is never frustrated. I'm the one cringing at practice when the coach is explaining a drill and my daughter is giggling & starting a grass fight with the girls next to her. I'm overly worried about what others might think. I think of how the coach must be frustrated that my daughter is distracting others. Really, it's not a big deal and she stops when the coach asks her to, it's just hard for me to remember that in the moment. I'm working on not being so concerned about what others might be thinking. I didn't mean to demean my daughter's goals, I just wanted to let her know that listening to her coach can help her get better. The only time my daughter was frustrated at soccer was a game where they made her goalie. She was scored on twice and my daughter started crying when she came off the field. She's okay with losing but being the one who got scored on made it feel like it was her fault they lost. I consoled her and reassured her it wasn't her fault. We were approached last week by the coach of a club team. He said he was impressed with my daughter's skills & invited her to these weekly clinics they have. (They're basically practices where you learn skills and then you can eventually try out for the team) I played club soccer when I was a teenager and I can't believe they have it now for 6 year olds! Even for a teenager, it was super competitive & quite a bit of pressure. The rejection of not making a team is really hard to deal with. My daughter was ecstatic that they had invited her. I had no intentions of doing club until she was much older. She wants to do it, but I'm not sure if it's a good idea. Dealing with rejection is much harder for a small child. After the incident in the goal, I'm not sure it's a good idea to let her try out for the team. Thank you for your input, it always helpful to gain perspective from what other parents are going through!

When I had my daughter, I was definitely not ready to be a parent. I had an enormous amount of childhood trauma that I hadn't even begun to deal with. I made a series of very irresponsible choices that led to me becoming a single mom. I take full responsibility for this and I think it was when my daughter was 2 that I came across FDR. It has been a huge influence on my parenting & I can't even imagine where I'd be if I'd never found it. I would never recommend that anyone have a child before they've dealt with ALL of their issues. So right now I'm in the position of trying to raise a happy healthy child while at the same time, work on my own issues. When children are very young, to me they are like a reflection of their parents. When you observe other children's behaviors, it becomes pretty clear what the parents are like. When I see a 3 year old that has a habit of hitting other kids, I'm 100% certain that kid has parents who spank. I take credit for all of the good behaviors my daughter exhibits, like the fact that she has never hit or been mean to another child. I also take full responsibility for the not so good traits, like my daughter's difficulty with expressing frustration. She hates crying in front of other people. I'm assuming this might be because I'm always putting on a brave front. I can't recall one time I've cried in front of my daughter. When you said it's me that desires structure, you're totally right. I'm a little unorganized, have procrastination issues and suck at time management. This will also become my daughter's problem as well since she seems to be emulating just about every trait I have, good and bad. After reading what you & the others wrote, I realize that the best way to prevent my daughter from picking up on these bad habits is to demonstrate it myself by being more tidy, making lists so I stay on track with my goals, not procrastinating, etc... At the same time I'm working at improving myself, I can also ask my daughter to help out. (Like remembering to not leave crayons and paper all over the car) When I said children need discipline, I didn't mean punishment style discipline. I'm not a believer in punishment. I did a handful of timeouts when my daughter was 3 before I learned how effective communication could be. My daughter really doesn't do anything now that would require punishment even if I were that type of parent. I was referring more to inner discipline, like the ability to delay gratification for future reward. There was a study I heard about on talk radio (I think Stef referenced it too) where they offered a marshmallow to children. They said they could have one now, or wait 15 minutes and receive 2. (I don't remember the exact quantity or time but it was similar to this) The children who waited the extra 15 minutes were later found to be more successful than those who opted for having the marshmallow right away. I'm not sure which my daughter would choose or if I'm demonstrating the ability to delay gratification. With the 8:30 bedtime, this has worked very well for the both of us. Previously, we had no set bedtime and my daughter would fall asleep whenever she felt tired. When she had gone bed too late, she would often wake up tired & moody. I see a big difference since we implemented the 8:30 bedtime & she is definitely happier in the morning. (There are also several studies that show children with consistent bedtimes have better sleep & function better throughout the day) Apart from the 8:30 bedtime, we have no other routines. I let me daughter do pretty much what she pleases. On occasion, I have to limit her TV time, because she could watch back to back episodes of Full House for hours. Also candy, this is where I sometimes just have to say no. All of this is followed with lots of communication. She is well aware of the harm too much TV or candy can be. She is fine with this most of the time but she is an expert negotiator and can often talk me into one more episode or one more piece of candy. My measurement of parental success so far has been the level of happiness in my daughter and how often she laughs each day. Based on this I'm doing pretty good but I don't know if this is enough to give her all the tools she needs for a successful adult life. That was the reason for my post. Being born to a single mother already has her at a disadvantage, so I'll always be looking for ways I can parent better.

Thank you Brucethecollie for sharing your story! I've read some of your other posts & I very much admire your parenting style. My daughter puts a great amount of focus into her art projects but so far she hasn't found anything like your son's lego class. We'll spend lots of time online googling things she's interested in. She is completely fascinated with the fact that everything you could want to know can be learned online. She is 100% focused on me when I'm reading things to her that she wants to learn about. I guess that does show she has the capacity to be focused. I definitely have more clarity on this after mulling over all the advice & questions from yesterday. I think I'm just really afraid of screwing my daughter up. It is amazing (and a little scary) at how much influence we have over our children! My daughter is still inquisitive and passionate so I'm going to try to keep from turning the focus thing into a problem when it might not be. I think I was making the mistake of viewing my perceived lack of structure & her focus as a slippery slope that would ultimately lead to apathy. I'm going to take yours & Dsayers advice about teaching by example. Instead of cleaning up after she goes to bed I'm going to start doing it earlier and ask if she'd like to help. I still think it'll be beneficial to get a more consistent routine going (like bath, story time, doing a little homework each day so we're not rushing on the last day, etc...) I really really appreciate everyone's input. Thank you!

Ok, I might totally be wrong about this. I'm under the impression that having structure leads to the ability to focus & be motivated. To have a weekly schedule where you accomplish certain tasks gives one a sense of discipline. I think kids crave a little structure in their lives. I don't want to go overboard but I'd like to have somewhat of a routine. One idea is to have 15 minutes of cleanup before bedtime. Even things like reading a book before bedtime is something I'd consider as structure. My daughter loves being read to & we often run out of time in order to have her in bed at 8:30. If I allow my daughter to only do fun things, how will she be when she's required to do something difficult? I want her to be able to follow through with things that are challenging & not give up. For now, I'd like her do a few simple weekly tasks so she can learn about responsibility. So where do you think motivation comes from? My childhood had absolutely no structure & I struggle a lot with being motivated. I'm trying to make sure the same mistakes aren't repeated.