mahayana

Hi Dsayers! We've tried out several activities like Tee Ball, gymnastics, & swimming but soccer seems to be one she especially likes. I have to admit I'm happy about that because I love soccer. I actually still play weekly on a co-ed league. My daughter loves competition. She's trying to be the best player on the team. Almost weekly she'll ask me to rank her compared to the other girls. This is also why I bring up paying attention to her. I tell her if she really does have a goal of becoming a great soccer player, she should pay closer attention to her coach. I'm always reminding her that we're there for fun. I see how pushing a kid too hard can turn them off to a sport. She definitely has fun out there. I chose to put my daughter in sports because we moved to an area where we don't really know anyone. I wanted her to be around other kids and get exercise. I also think it'll help build her self-esteem. We do soccer & girl scouts right now. Both have been great. Yes, school is too much structure! I'm currently working on a way to home school her. I should be able to do so in about a year I hope. I'm very lucky though that she's going to a school in a really good neighborhood & as far as public schools go, this one is pretty good. (Which is the reason I moved to this area) I am definitely aware of how damaging public school can be. I do deprogramming on a weekly basis it seems. The dreaded red ribbon week is coming up next week and we've discussed how harmful the war on drugs has been & how lots of doctors prescribe legal drugs that are sometimes more harmful than illegal ones. I'm really not worried about my daughter being susceptible to propaganda. She's very intelligent. This could also be one of the causes for her having a hard time focusing. I think a lot of the material is too easy for her so she loses interest. I see what you're saying about the chores. That definitely makes sense. I'll give her chores that are more to benefit her. I think something as simple as feeding the cat will give her a sense of importance. I know the word structure sounds negative but I think there can be meaningful structure.

By lack of structure I mean that there isn’t anything she does consistently other than going to school. The rest of my daughter’s free time is usually spent doing what she wants which is usually playing, coloring & drawing. I try to do a little homework each day with her but a lot of times were catching up on it the day before it’s due. My daughter is very used to doing what she wants to do. I’m not saying this is bad, but I believe that could be what’s leading to her problem focusing. Structure is important to me because I know first hand the consequences of not having it! My daughter had her annual physical a couple weeks ago, and when I told our pediatrician some of my concerns, she said it sounds similar to ADHD. Her first question was what our home life/daily routine was like. When I said my daughter was ADHD-like, I was admitting that I must be doing something wrong to have caused my daughter’s attention issues. After I noticed the issues at soccer, I checked in with my daughter's teacher to see how she was doing in class. She mentioned that on occasion she was having a hard time following directions with school work. I've seen this myself when we're working on homework together. She'll mess up on something & I'll show her how to correct it. She'll erase & rewrite the same wrong answer. She does this often. It's like her mind is elsewhere and she’s only partially listening. I know she's only 6 and and of course her mind is wandering when she's doing common core homework. I don't mean to make a bigger deal out of it than it is, but I'm just concerned that she isn't able to focus as well as her peers. I’m definitely concerned about how she’ll turn out in the future. I remember a call in show a while back from a listener who had a teenage daughter. The dad was concerned because the daughter was having motivational problems. All she wanted to do was sit at home & play minecraft. I can’t remember all of the details but I remember the dad was all about unschooling and admitted the daughter's childhood was very unstructured. He was more of a friend than a dad & let her do whatever she wanted at home. Stef told him that unschooling doesn’t mean not having any structure whatsoever. That is exactly what I want to avoid and I wan’t to correct it now while she’s still young enough to change. Maybe you’re right and she doesn't need changing but it won’t hurt to make some changes at home. For example, we could start sitting at the table for dinner instead of eating in front of the TV. Maybe my daughter can take on some simple weekly chores so she can learn about being responsible. Yes, we’ve talked about it a couple of times. I’m careful with how I bring it up because I definitely don’t want her to think she’s flawed. I had a mother that constantly told me how stupid I was so I have no reference for positive peaceful parenting except for these forums and the podcasts. My daughter is a great communicator. She has totally blown my expectations and I just want to raise her so that she’ll be successful & motivated. I have a tendency to overanalyze things so I appreciate your perspective.

I was wondering what other parents out there do in order to provide structure for their children. Just recently, my child has been showing behaviors that are similar to children with ADHD. (I hesitate to call it that since I think ADHD is a blanket term for behaviors that are a result of ineffective parenting, but the similarities exist) As of now, they are very mild and I'd like to tackle this problem before it turns into a larger behavioral problem. An example of my daughters behaviors that concerns me is her difficulty in following directions. When she's at soccer practice, she has a hard time doing a drill if it has more that two steps or so. Part of that problem is from her not listening to the coach while he explains things. She gets distracted very easily & will mess around with the other girls instead of listening. The other girls her age are far better at paying attention & knowing what they're supposed to do. (It's not that she isn't interested in soccer, it's one of her favorite things) I grew up without any structure so I'm learning & working on attaining that for myself as well. I know I have to lead by example. I've tried following a set schedule but that rarely ends up being successful. There are many things I know I can improve on. One example is I always clean up after my daughter instead of having her do it. It just feels easier/faster than pleading with her to do it, but I know this is probably bad for her in the long run. I'm frustrated with myself for not having been better with this. I have a hard time balancing between being an assertive responsible parent & allowing my daughter to do what she pleases. My daughter is a good kid & is very cooperative. I know I can reverse this trend. Am I wrong in linking these behavioral problems to a lack of structure? What are some other age appropriate responsibilities to give to a 6 or 7 year old? Also, are there any games or activities that might help improve her focus? I would appreciate any advice!

Yes, I definitely will make sure work doesn't get in the way of parenting. I don't think my issue with financial dependence stems from feminist propaganda. I'm appalled by the bullshit spewed by feminists so I don't think that's playing a role for me personally although I agree that they are doing great harm to families! I'm totally grateful my daughter's dad helps even though I've never been comfortable accepting it. I hate that I feel that way since it's not for me but our daughter. I know that because of his help, she gets to live a somewhat normal life playing sports, attending bday parties & doing other activities most single parents wouldn't be able to afford. I'm sure this makes her dad feel better too since he rarely gets to see her.

Thanks for the link Colby. Sites like this are exactly what I need right now. I can at least get a better idea of what's in demand. I totally agree about the dream job thing. I will totally settle for enjoyable right now. Quick question about programming. What's the highest level of math required?

VoIT, thank you for the questions. They really help clarify things for me. I'm embarrassed to say I hadn't thought through a lot of them. 1) How much time would you be happy spending working from home per week? 30-35 hrs a week. 5hrs a day is ideal. I could definitely make accommodations to work more for big projects, but ideally this wouldn't be more than once a month or so. (This is just while my daughter is this young. I will be able to do longer hours the older she gets) 2) What level of income would you like to achieve that would make you happy? 25-30k annually would be ideal at first. Realistically it'll be less. I just need to cover rent & bills at this point. My daughter's father is heavily pressuring me to move to Los Angeles which would require at least 10k more as it is much more expensive to live there. (I won't even consider this possibility until I am working where I am now and am in a better position to make such a decision.) 3) Ultimately why do you want to do this. In other words, what are your thoughts and emotions that is making you want to do this? -- Are you looking to satisfy short term money needs only? -- Are you thinking into your future for retirement? -- Are you thinking about your daughter? The main reason is that I don't want my daughter in after school care. She already goes to school 6hrs a day, having her in an additional 4 or so would make me feel horrible & I'm sure would not be healthy for her. If this were the case, she'd be spending more time around strangers than her own family each day. Second is financial independence. I would like to be able to pay rent & bills entirely on my own. Right now, I'm only making this happen because of her dad's help. Not being financially independent causes me so much stress & anxiety. Third, I need to model a good work ethic for my daughter. With regards to retirement, this is something I would focus on after meeting my basic financial needs. 4) How quickly do you wish to see results? A couple months after establishing my business model I guess. I'm willing to maybe go to a 6month/short term trade school as well before starting work. 5) Why work from home? Flexibility. Not many jobs are understanding to a person that needs to pick their kid up when they're sick & stay home with them. Eventually I would like to homeschool my daughter. Working from home is the only option if I do that. When it comes to my idea of a dream job, I just want what everyone wants, a job that doesn’t feel like a job. It would be so amazing to actually do something where you feel like you’re making a difference or are at least passionate about it. Working 10 hrs a day at something you don’t enjoy and coming home too exhausted to spend quality time with your loved ones is just insane to me. What’s the point of living life that way? A dream job is something I definitely have to put on the backburner. I'm just bothered that this doesn't come as easy to me as it seems to for others. As far as graphic design goes, it's just really not something I've enjoyed doing. My 2nd job was at a kinko's helping customers make photo copies. It was so boring and I envied the graphic designers that got to hang out in an office, listening to music while they worked. They were always having fun. I became friends with them & on my free time had them teach me what they knew. I started working with them shortly after and just ended up staying in that field. The creative demand for a place like kinko's is very low compared to real graphic design firms. I simply don't have what is takes to create the amazing graphic art I see online. I do enjoy doing creative things but it's just not something I can do on demand. Stress & anxiety makes it really hard for me to create. I do worry a lot about my output not living up to expectations. My ability to do layouts & file set up is definitely a useful skill but I don't want design to be the focus of my services offered. I think one of the biggest barriers to me getting started is that I don't think I'm good enough. For example, I could easily go around to local small businesses & offer to make a simple web site. I don't do it now because I can't make bad ass websites with all the bells & whistles so I feel unqualified in offering my services. The truth is, a lot of small businesses don't need all that nor could they afford it. My doubt in myself really holds me back & that's the worst mindset to have if you want to freelance. You've been a huge help, thank you for helping me focus on the important questions!

oh geez, I had no clue. I should have simplified my question and left out the personal history. This is the side effect of having very little communication with people other than trivial conversations with soccer moms for the past two years. I feel like I'm learning how to communicate all over again. I didn't mean to vomit out such an incoherent mess. A job from home would be really good even if I do keep my daughter in public school. With minimum days, illness and vacations, there aren't many employers who are willing to work around such an inconsistent schedule. I was hoping maybe others had experience or knew of others that had jobs from home. Medical billing is one promising lead I'm looking into. It's not ideal to work in an industry so screwed up as a result of gov't intervention, but I know it's something I can easily do. I already wasted so much time in getting my web design degree, I'm really trying to be careful this time to find something that will actually yield a job. Thanks Copper Heart, I really appreciate you letting me know. I'm always wrapped up in the chaos of putting out fires in my life. It becomes hard to focus on one. Maybe I'll attempt calling in to Stef when I'm better at gathering my thoughts.

Only Hearthstone these days. Blizzard ID: emiweee#1952 WoW was just too time consuming although I would reactivate my account in a heartbeat if someone put together an FDR guild.

Awesome, nutrigenomics is where its at! Post if you ever get a site up & running. I have some raw data that needs interpreting.

Hello fellow freedomainers. I’m hoping that you guys could share some of your knowledge with me & help me to take my first step in getting out of this rut I’ve been in. I’m in desperate need of guidance & advice on employment. I guess I actually have two questions, but the first is advice on jobs that can be done from home. This takes priority since I really need to start earning income. I’m a single parent with a six year old currently attending public school. My goal is to have the option to homeschool her. Currently I’m not working apart from bringing in a couple hundred monthly from my eBay store. I’m making ends meet by this money and the child support I receive from my daughter’s father. (Just FYI, him & I are very cooperative & have done everything without the courts. The child support he pays is what he decided he could do) I would really like to have financial independence & not have to rely on his money in case for whatever reason he could no longer supply it. I’ll give you a brief history just to give you an idea of what led up to this point. From the time I graduated H.S. I have worked full-time jobs & completely supported myself. My longest line of work was working for print shops doing copies & simple graphic design. I’ve never made large amounts of money but just enough to make ends meet & be able to go out with friends and have dinner, drinks, etc… I was pretty content with this and never felt the need to acquire a better paying job nor did I feel I had the means to pay for an education to learn new skills. Education has never been a focal point in my life. I was raised primarily by my mom. My parents are married but my dad worked graveyard since I was a baby and I hardly saw him. My mom’s highest education level was second grade. She has never had an IQ test but I know she would probably score at the level where she would be considered mentally handicapped. She doesn’t know how to read, do math & is incapable of simple reasoning. She was extremely abusive and I ended up moving out at sixteen to live with my older sister because I was in fear for my life at home. Needless to say, education and careers were never a priority for me. When my friends in high school were visiting colleges, I was preoccupied with thoughts of whether or not my mother would be in another one of her moods when I got home. My only goal has been survival and everything was going okay until I became pregnant with my daughter. After having my daughter, the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with was not being able to financially support myself. I’ve never felt so helpless. Her father and I attempted to work things out but failed. We split up by the time my daughter was one. I ended up living with my sister for a while and then to a rental house my parents own where my daughter & I currently reside. (Even though they are charging me very little rent, I would like to be able to move from here.) I decided to go to a local community college where I earned an associates degree in web design. It took a little longer than usual because I didn’t want my daughter to be in daycare all day. I have been extremely lucky to have gotten to spend as much time as I have with my daughter in her formative years. The degree I received was worthless IMO. It barely scratched the surface & the computer teachers were the worst I’ve ever seen. Along the way I stumbled across FDR which has been a lifesaver for my daughter & I. My life is incompatible with my new virtues and values. The thought of getting a 9-5 job and leaving my child with after school care is heartbreaking to me. If it is within my power to not let that happen, I have to attempt it. Finally on to my question. Are there any work from home jobs anyone is aware of? I have considered freelance graphic design but I honestly do not have the self esteem or confidence to pursue that. (Graphic design takes massive amounts of confidence so it was probably not the best that I fell into that field) I’m a fairly fast learner, a very fast worker and am competent with most of the Adobe software. I dabbled in CISCO & programming but I’m really not sure if I’m intelligent enough for that. I would love to take an aptitude test to see what I might be good at. Does anyone know of online aptitude or career counseling services? I’ve been making progress with self knowledge but I’ve been procrastinating on finding work for the last year and wasted a great deal of time. I’m willing to do anything I can do at home to earn money. Any ideas & input would be greatly appreciated, and please don’t hold back. I welcome all criticism, if I’m being a selfish lazy fuck, then please let me know. Second question, how does one find their dream job? To me this is like asking yourself what you would do if you won the lottery. The idea is so farfetched to me that I've never entertained the notion. After I find something in the meantime to earn money, I would love to work on finding what my true calling is. Sorry this is so long! I would really love any advice, I don't even know where to begin. Just FYI about my daughter. As unstable & chaotic as my life seems, I put a lot of work & effort into her. Although her life isn’t ideal, she is safe & loved. She’s a really happy, empathetic, and intelligent child. To those who didn't say TL,DR right off the bat, thanks for listening

I don't recall ever hearing of such a study but I would be very interested to see the results of one. The only studies I've heard Stef refer to in videos is on the correlation of spanking and adult criminality. I'm always shocked to hear people claim that kids who are not spanked turn out spoiled and behave badly. The opposite is overwhelmingly the case from what I've observed! I'll keep an eye out for any studies on this.

I also struggled with this one as well! I finally decided that I couldn't go through with lying to my child. Our entire relationship is built on honesty and trust, telling her a lie would be contrary to that no matter how good my intentions were. I was worried that no Santa would detract from the magic but it hasn't. I really think the magic is in the toys under the tree, the lights, decorations, desserts, music, etc... We still have Santa decorations and my six year old usually does a photo with him since we aren't anti-Santa or anything! It's a fun fairy tale just like with the Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy. Last Christmas when my daughter was five, I asked her if she wished I had told her Santa was real. She said no, she's glad she knows the truth because it would've been really sad to find out later that he wasn't real. I think she would be really offended at having been lied to so I have no regrets. She's also been really great at keeping it hush hush around other kids that do believe.

Thank you, I'm definitely here for the honesty and I anticipate it to be painful! You're right, Stef is the only person I know of that discusses the issue. The first time I heard him go in depth on the topic of single moms was definitely hard for me but all of it made sense. My daughter didn't choose to be born to a single mom. She's at a disadvantage compared to kids born from a two parent household. The least I can do is learn whatever it takes to increase her chances for being successful and not following in my footsteps. "Yeah, Stef prety much introduced me to every philosophical and political aspect I am holding right now." That's awesome! For me, Stef brought clarity to my own political views. I had pretty much tuned out on politics since my early 20's. I've always been disgusted at the corruption in politics but had never really considered the immorality of the basic concept of government. Thank you for the PDF, I downloaded it & will hopefully get a chance to read it this week. Right now I have a shit ton of tabs open in my browser from all the links I came across in the forums! I love coming across so much good stuff. I have Kaiser insurance so I'm limited on the type of therapy I have easy access to. When I was living in Los Angeles a couple years ago, my therapist had bookshelves lined with memoirs from Hillary Clinton. I tried to overlook that but she ended up being a crappy therapist anyways. I need to give it another shot though.

So if a mother neglected to feed her newborn baby resulting in its death, you would consider the inaction aesthetically negative as opposed to immoral?

Thank you for the warm welcome Copper. Sorry I didn't respond sooner, I didn't see your reply until today. Single moms are actually something I didn't have much experience with. I didn't know any while growing up and my parents are still married. Being a single mom, I was hesitant to join the forums out of fear that I would be prejudged & immediately viewed in a negative light. I'm working on not allowing my fears of what others think control me (plus, FDR listeners are amazing & open minded for the most part!) so I finally worked up the courage to post. I discovered Stef while listening to the Adam vs. the Man shows. It was around the time when Occupy Wall Street was gaining momentum. I would be in the AVTM forums or live chat during a podcast & I would always see the name "Stefan Molyneux" pop up. People were speaking about him & quoting him as if he were the authority on all things libertarian. I was immediately skeptical of this man with the funny last name. My first FDR video was Stef's response to the viral Kony 2012 video. At the time, I didn't know it was Stef I was watching, just some bald guy with a fantastic accent speaking the truth. At the end of the video I wanted to know more about Stef & his views. I'd never before heard a person that I agreed so much with (both politically and philosophically) and who was so logical. (My life is flooded with completely irrational people so this was so refreshing!) Call in Shows were life changing for me. They've been far more effective than my experiences with one on one counseling. I still have a long ways to go with undoing damage from my childhood so I imagine I will be staying for quite some time.

No, it's not self centered at all to post your questions! I for one appreciate you sharing. You say you're having a hard time dealing with your anger. I was wondering, is you confronting your mom & brother pretty new? I would definitely recommend seeing a therapist. It angers me just hearing you describe how unsupportive/unapologetic your mom is being! She made mistakes & perhaps she was less informed back then but that's no excuse for her not holding herself accountable now. I'm in a similar situation as you and I know how hard it is to walk away from bad parents. My parents are older and if I cut them out of my life as I've been tempted to do, the last years of their life would be extremely difficult. (although I can't figure out if I'm making excuses for them because I'm too chicken to go through with it!) I love hearing that you have a good relationship with your own kids and that is so awesome you're sharing some of the podcasts with your son. There's a book I've been meaning to read that I've heard Stef speak of many times called The Six Pillars of Self Esteem by Nathaniel Branden. Your family history is similar to my own & I think that might be a good book for us. When our parents don't protect us as they should it does major damage to one's self esteem which I'm beginning to think is an underlying cause to anger. Good luck to you & better late than never to start dealing with childhood trauma! Feel free to PM me anytime, I'd love to hear an update.

I'm not sure about this. I could be proven wrong but I think if you know what to look for, you can spot predators or people that aren't quite right. I know that's just a feeling and not an argument but I have really reliable predator detectors. (my gaydar is spot on as well) Predators target vulnerable people for a reason. I still think that if you bring a child into the world, you are morally obligated to protect them until they themselves are an adult. Protecting them includes proper education on sexual predators. The OP withheld the truth from her mother out of fear that she did something wrong. There never would have been that misunderstanding had her mother had a discussion with her. Of course there are things out of our control that can harm our children, but this particular instance was totally preventable IMO.

As a parent you have to assume everyone is a predator or deceiver until they have proven otherwise. Trust can't be handed out so carelessly and if you do, you're gambling on your child's safety.

I actually do screen every man/teenager/human that comes within the vicinity of my child. Is that strange? There is plenty her mother could have done to prevent this. My daughter is six and we've had at least five or so conversations on potential sexual predators and what to do in case she ever encounters one. I'm confident that if my kid were inappropriately touched she would immediately come to me for help. I think every parent is morally obligated to keep their children safe from harm. To curiousGeorge, I'm so sorry you're going through this. If you were my daughter I would ask for your forgiveness and offer to pay for therapy. You were so young & you should have never been left unattended with a prepubescent teenage boy.

"When we find self love, we find high standards for ourselves." <---- YES! I have always heard this & didn't realize how important this first step is until recently. Thanks Kurtis! I appreciate the kind words & encouragement.

If you have ideas for a handout and supply me with the text, I can create a print ready file.

After listening to Freedomain radio for several years (not consistently), I thought it was about time to visit the forums. I would have come sooner but being a single parent, I don't have a whole lot of time for myself. Finally I can join in with the huge single mom following I'm sure Stefan must have! I have a six year old daughter and I have thoroughly enjoyed the shows on peaceful parenting & Stef's personal stories with Isabella. I have learned so much in recent years about philosophy and myself that I find I have drifted apart from most of my "friends" after realizing I have very little in common with them. It has been very lonely and as much as I love the philosophical conversations my daughter and I share, I feel I need to make an effort to reach out to other adults with similar morals as myself. Living in Southern California, it seems nearly impossible! So far I'm really enjoying the forums and I'm looking forward to learning from & getting to know people!

Schwarzenegger was known for overtly making inappropriate sexual advances towards females on movie sets. I don't know why someone from a position of influence and power would jeopardize his reputation other than as a result of some uncontrollable sexual addiction.

Thanks for clarifying that. I don't know why but I was more under the impression you were suggesting befriending manipulative people to gain familiarity with the signs. I totally agree with you Magnum in that you can gain a lot of knowledge through observation & interaction with sociopaths. The good thing (or not so good) is that we come across such people on a daily basis so we really don't have to go out of our way to find them. In my opinion, the best way to avoid becoming a victim to them is to know what you're looking for. I'm not sure if I understand how getting close to sales people such as a sleazy car salesman would help or why the massage parlor. I don't see anything wrong with someone wanting to get a happy ending nor would come to any conclusions about the morality of the masseuse. If you're looking for a new car, do your research and know the prices so no matter how pushy a salesman is, if what he's selling doesn't match up to what you want you won't be persuaded. The same goes for finding partners. Do your research & know what you're looking for. The next best thing to firsthand experience is learning through the firsthand experience of others. With the call in shows you have an abundance of material! I think if you're on this website, you most likely have been exposed to manipulative sociopaths! Going back to the original posters question: (this is to Rainbow Jamz, I haven't figured out how to do the multi quote thing) "If you can spot indicators of future abuse or dissatisfaction in the relationship, what would some red flags be? If you can't, and sociopaths are so good at deception, then how can women--or people in general--shield themselves from such deception?" If people want to shield themselves from sociopaths/deception, I would suggest keeping those walls up until you figure things out. It drives me crazy because I constantly see people jumping into relationships without truly knowing the other person. I've had my share of physically abusive people in my life and the behaviors I've seen in common with all of them are explosive tempers, name calling/insulting, and punching walls/throwing things. I do think you can avoid such people and the red flags are always there if you know what you're looking for. Agreed J.D. Thank goodness they make it easy for people to spot them out with their overpriced handbags, flawlessly coiffed hair, manicured nails, layers of make-up, designer clothes, etc...........

I am fascinated by your method of swimming with the sharks. What do you do once you infiltrate their groups? Do you pretend to be one of them or challenge their actions/philosophies? If you do pretend to be one of them aren't you sort of at their level because you are being deceptive and manipulative? If your goal is to gain genuine people in your life, can it be attained through insincere actions? For me I would also be worried about losing out on potential genuine relationships when others assume I'm a shark as well since I'm swimming with them.