DaisyAnarchist

Kudos to being able to let the emotion out. It can be very hard to do that. I'm glad that you were able to feel safe with yourself. I have some questions for you. I listened to your call in with Stef a while back. I remember him telling you, and the audience, that it's not really social situations that you're afraid of. I'm pretty sure I understand his meaning, but I'm not sure if you do. I'm not sure if he wanted you to figure it out for yourself by not explicitly stating it, but I can't just keep this perspective to myself, haha. I deal with "social anxiety" as well, but it's nothing like it was several months ago. What I believe I was afraid of is what happened to me as a child in social situations. Often children cannot leave abusive situations that they are put in. This is, I think, part of the anxiety surrounding them. I believe that I was afraid of being attacked and rejected (for my true self, my spontaneous emotions) in social situations. That is what happened to me in the past. It's not that you're afraid of social situations, or people. You may be afraid of the attacks and rejection of your emotions when you were a child. Something about them was dangerous for you. The present triggers that. When you can feel the anger behind the fear, I think that the anxiety will dissolve even more. What do you make of what Stefan was telling you? What was your experience with social situations when you were a child? I also want to add that, for me, saying "calm down" has only ever backfired. I would be interested to hear why you use that line. What really helps me is curiosity toward me as a child. You could ask your inner child, "What are you afraid is going to happen to you if you are authentic? What was it like for you? It must have been scary, right? Maybe you feel angry that your mom and dad left you with people like this?" What do you think about that?

I wouldn't put shame on yourself if you do decide to work at the university. With the prevalence of the state, you're going to be paying into it one way or the other. If you were given the choice to somehow decide where this university gets its revenue, you know that you would choose for it to be totally privatized. You want the job because of its convenience for you, not because you directly sanction the use of coercion against other productive members of society. I wouldn't worry about whether you could persuade the university to become privatized. I don't know, maybe you could? Or maybe you could be out in the private sector leading by example? I think your biggest obligation is honesty to yourself. If you leave because of your own principles, good. If you leave because you feel a heavy weight from other libertarians or your parents in a figurative way to do "more" or to do "better," I don't think that is good. I was in a sort of similar dilemma for a little while with regards to attending a 4-year community college and accepting pell grants to pay for my education. It's not my fault that the state created a situation where it's statistically unlikely for students to afford education out of pocket, even at a small, local college. However, I ended up discontinuing my education there, but it was for personal reasons rather than it just being a matter of, "Well it's wrong because this money was stolen from people who are actually productive." That did factor in, it just wasn't the only reason. My reasons were that I wanted to find a job and earn my own money, which I did indeed do, to have more time to myself in order to heal, and to become more autonomous. I wanted to feel the anxiety of not being in school. I went to school for 16 years straight. I want to be out in the real world now. I know the latter reasons don't necessarily apply to you, but if there are personal reasons for getting a job in the private sector, it could help sway your decision. So again, don't shame yourself if you do decide to continue to work there. I think if working at the university is a step toward something greater for you, like saving up to start your own business, or who knows what, then it's especially fine for you to work there. But consider that you can go elsewhere if you want to, and that working at the university doesn't have to be the only step toward something else later on. I don't know what your long term goals are or if you have any, but those are worth weighing in as well.

Seeing its connection with the present. If you suffered no trauma from your childhood, or if you processed the trauma that you did suffer, do you think that you would feel rage toward a girl that you do not have an emotional or intellectual connection with? This is how you described your parents. I'm going to quote it and then replace them with "friend." I think you will have a different reaction: "I realize it was wrong for my friend to physically assault me, but we had a much better relationship than some other friends do. I just don't understand the goal in me realizing the abuse I suffered at the hands of my friend." Get angry at the "friend" and leave him. You have better standards than that, right? I would think the end goal is to feel rage toward the original source of pain for you. Toward the people that you couldn't leave. You are exactly right when you say that you minimize what your parents did you. It is horrendous to me that they assaulted you at all, and it would be even more horrendous if they did anything like this when you were an infant. That stage of life is where a lot of our unprocessed trauma occurred. If an adult yells at another adult, that's one thing. It could be jarring, but adults can handle that. They speak each other's language. They can physically stand their ground. Do you think a child or an infant could handle being yelled at? No way! They would be so harmed! Because you normalize your abuse, you did not feel the rage that came up for you when your parents abused you. And how could you? Children cannot go elsewhere like you can go elsewhere with this girl. If children find themselves with abusive parents, they're stuck with that shit, unless they actually realize that they're being mistreated and are able to find help. Usually, they do what they can to survive. If your parents desired a certain emotional response from you, usually that means you suppressed your real emotions. Those don't go away. They stay with you in your body until you genuinely experience them. It's sort of like trying to keep a buoy underneath water. Present situations can trigger past experiences for you, and if you do not allow yourself to experience what you as a child experienced at the hands of your parents, then you will keep seeking abusive relationships in the hopes that they will mend themselves. The rage will come up again and be directed at the wrong sources. Let the buoy go, feel the rage of your child self. I think if you can do that, then in time you will not obsess about what your ex girlfriend does with her life. That is the best way that I can explain it at this point. I have not processed all of my rage, so I don't know if there is a better way to explain this. I think I have also heard suppressed trauma being described as a black box, where the emotions were locked away. I hope the imagery helps and that it makes more sense to you.

Ivan,Thanks for your empathy and for expanding on that. Although, I am feeling discomfort around you saying, "if I was your bf it would be totally different." It strikes me as an odd thing to say. It's like saying to someone you don't know very well, "If I was your friend instead of that other person, things would be totally different." Or maybe it's not a strange thing to say? Maybe it's compassionate. I don't know. I don't mean to put you down for it, I just wanted to be upfront that it triggered me. I'm sorry that your mother made you feel like such a burden to others. I witness this often with parents and their kids, as I work in retail. It's heartbreaking. Your mother must have royally messed you up later on when you would try to have fun, right? Like you get blocked by anxiety and shame before you can genuinely enjoy being around others. I can understand feeling like a burden, albeit maybe in a different sense. I think it was mainly the result of public school teachers pushing that on to me rather than my parents, but my parents are at fault for leaving me with people like that too. Well, actually, my father's yelling probably contributed to that as well. I used to feel like my "stupidity" (which was really me daydreaming/dissociating while people tried to teach me anything) was a burden that held other people back. Like, I ruin things because of how naive and slow I am with understanding things. At this point in my life I've come to the understanding that most of us were wrongfully made to feel defective in some way or other, and now we carry shame with us. Your mother really fucked you over. How are you to make sense of relationships in a healthy way as an adult? I feel angry about that. Was your mother abusive in other ways as well? dsayers, Yeah, you're right. I'm more frustrated that I spent so much time seeking attention (love) in the various ways that I did. I feel like there's much more to self knowledge for me to learn, but thankfully I know enough at this point to know what not to look for in a partner. No one else can deal with my emotions but me. I looked at the lyrics of that song out of curiosity and I think that that could be a legitimate angle on it. Particularly the "you make this all go away" line. It certainly feels like that from the other person, for a little while anyway.

I wouldn't try to avoid anything that triggers rage. I don't mean that you ought to therefore put yourself into dissociative or destructive situations, but in the event that you feel enraged, I think it's important for you to stay with that. Treat all emotions like they are valid. Your emotions are you. What triggers rage in you? I am so sorry about your father hitting and kicking you. That is deplorable. I hope that you come to feel this over time. You were an innocent child and you were abused. Also, I don't believe your parents had a "really good" relationship. Not good in the sense of virtuous, seeing as your father was violent with you and I'm guessing your mother had no opposition to this? What was your relationship with your mother like? Did she hit or yell at you? Were you ever made to feel inadequate? This last statement of yours is telling, to me. It's contradictory to you saying your parents had a good relationship: You're sure they did? So there was marital dysfunction (however big or small), but it was kept from you. So maybe this is the repetition of your history: the girl was rather avoidant of you with regards to that other guy. You picked someone who seemed to like you and seemed to want to be with you, but would hide what was really going on from you. And you feel entitled to know about that. As a child, I think you were entitled to know about that with your parents. I guess they never talked to you about any dysfunction, but you still sensed it. In which case, I would imagine that to be very unsettling for a child. How does he trust the stability of any relationship? I don't know what the connection really is though. I'm throwing around theories that come to mind. Let me know if that sounds true or not. I can identify with feeling the need to interfere with a romantic interest after the relationship ended. I have felt very jealous (which I think is really inadequacy/shame) before in romantic relationships. I think the interfering is a way to avoid feeling anger at the real abusers. I felt angry that I was not given the truth. My mom didn't technically hide information from me about her relationship with my father, but... she didn't take the time to talk to me about what went on between her and my father, nor about the lack of love between her own parents. I lived with her parents as well, and I know they did not have a good relationship. They didn't even sleep in the same room together. I believe strongly that everything that lead you to this girl originates with the experiences of your inner child. It will help to recognize your feelings with regard to the girl, but I think the bigger issue is how you were mistreated as a child, particularly by your parents. It should enlighten you to many other aspects of your life, including relationships.

I think it's true. Not just with romantic relationships, but relationships in general. Most of us did not get the love and attention we needed as infants and young children, so we seek that out in our friendships and romantic relationships. For women, the template for unresolved issues will be the father, and for men, it will be the mother. The problem is that we will not erase the abuse that we suffered from our parents by seeking out these kind of relationships. I was in a three-year relationship with a guy who was seemingly different from my father. He was actually somewhat open about his feelings and somewhat understanding of mine, but that was limited. Maybe that's a contradiction, in hindsight. I was generally the more closed off, intellectual one between us. He broke off that relationship three times before both of us stopped going back to each other. It was like I was trying to not have him abandon me as my father did, but he did that anyway. He, like my father, had a very difficult time understanding my feelings when I did attempt to express them honestly, and did not seem to have empathy for my timidity. I'm pretty sure my father is the primary cause of my timidity and panic attacks, as I just recently learned that he yelled at me often when I was just an infant, and "probably" hit me, according to my mom. What a scary son of a bitch. When I tried to explain to my ex reasons why I thought I was timid, it seemed to fall on deaf ears. I was not social or outgoing enough. I never quite lived up to his expectations and changed to his liking. Through that relationship, I think I wanted my father to finally understand and accept me. I can't say that I don't have trouble accepting and loving myself today, but I am more aware of my desire to act out, my feelings, and I'm starting to look critically at the people I try to get that love and attention from. As for my ex and his mother, maybe he wanted someone that he could try to help or "fix" so that he would feel locked in and loved. I know I've helped people in the past with the unconscious intention of locking them in, in a way. That's how lonely I felt, but avoided it. Or maybe the connection with his mother is different. I'm not sure. It's very sad and tragic that it is like this for many people. Girls with "daddy" issues tend to go for boys that are "bad" or troubled, which I have done, and boys with overbearing mothers tend to have anxiety in approaching and understanding other women. I imagine this varies depending on the individual family situation, but essentially it seems to be a way to avoid the pain of childhood loneliness even though it causes pain as an adult. It's a perceived "different" pain I would guess; one that is more tolerable because of adulthood. That, and/or it's an attempt to get the parents' love. What was your mother like, and how do you think that translated into your relationships? I was wondering if you'd feel comfortable elaborating on that.

Why did both of your parents work? How did you feel about the bullying?

Being a "Christian Socialist" has little to do with your fixation on negative things in the world. That is caused by some wrong doing toward you in your past. Otherwise, it wouldn't be an issue for you as a libertarian. This is to the tune of what others here have posted: I think the main thing you need to focus on is your own inner world and feelings. Maybe you are trying to manage your anxiety by fixing everyone else or fixing other problems. It's fine to express your honest opinions and ideas about statism with others, but I hope you can distinguish between when you are avoiding your own feelings and when you are being honest. For me, this was, and still is at times, a struggle. Your post definitely resonates with me. What you really may be trying to fix is the traumas that you suffered as a child that you have not resolved. These do tie into statist principles. Public school is a deplorable place for children. As Stefan has said, working parents (parents that neglect/abandon their children during the day) are tax cows for the State. Perhaps on some level you are seeing that link and you feel it should not go on. Unfortunately, you can never go back and reverse the harm inflicted on you, nor change the adults that caused/permitted it. You can, however, go back in time in a sense to grieve it and allow yourself to feel whatever else comes up. As an adult, you may get some sense that you are affecting change when you talk to others and believe you can change them for the better. The reality is, the person you can affect the most and change in the most meaningful way is you. You seem to be aware of this on some level based on your second post, but I still get the feeling that you're not really sure of the source of your anxiety. I would ask yourself some questions in order to find out. Do you remember feeling fear as a child? What were the situations? Did you ever feel powerless? And you don't have to have answers right away. I think just asking yourself these things would be a good start. Stay with the anxiety.

There are a few questions that come to my mind that I think, if you are able to answer them or reflect on them, will help you.Can you be more specific as to how the genders are raised differently? I am also confused as to how you're going to "find this thing" that you are looking for when you haven't been able to name the thing. Would connection be the right word? You want to find a girl that you connect with? Also, perhaps you have some specific virtues or traits in mind that you're looking for in a partner? Like honesty? You said you want someone that desperately wants to spend time with you. But that's not a specific trait, right? I would think (and I could be wrong) wanting to spend time with each other comes after you have established that you and your partner meet each other's values. I think looking for someone who merely wants to spend time with you and is fun needs a stronger base on which to rest, like virtue. Or just something more specific to that person. Those are my thoughts. Best of luck to you.

Your writing is so vivid and lively for someone who may be wishing for death due to the amount of suffering. I feel kinda numb reading your post. I am familiar with this kind of inner struggle, especially when trying to sleep- trying to let go of the conscious mind for a little while. "I just want peace of mind right now." Maybe the intensity is larger for you than it has been for me. I don't know. For me, it is nauseating. Too much to worry about. So much fear. I don't want to recall that, which I think is why I feel numb now. But in a way, I feel so much for you right now. I am so sorry that your pain has been so enormous. I think the source of your "problem" may be that you are fighting the emotions coming up? I say this with a question mark because I am making a guess based on my experiences, and what a friend (Lens) from fdr has described to me about manic episodes at night. What comes up for me is a feeling of terror. It is anxiety. What I try to do in this situation is, instead of viewing it as something to fight against, view it as something to permit. I want to be welcoming with my emotions, not hostile. You can ask yourself, "What is the feeling right now? What does me as a child feel? Does my pain feel "bottomless" right now? Was there no hope for escape for me as a child?" You don't have to have answers right away, either. You can just ask those questions. You said you wrote a post that you felt a strong urge to erase. You are feeling shame. Maybe you can ask what happened to you when you expressed yourself in the past. It sounds like your family stifled you and did not value your individuality. They could have been the ones that gave you that shame. Certainly public schooling would contribute to that as well. Your individuality seems to be arising in the way you write, and there could be a strong feeling in you that desperately wants to get out. Could be anger that you haven't released. You asked about individuating, which I think anger will actually help you do. From what I'm learning about self work, being treated unfairly in childhood SHOULD produce anger. Do you feel the shaming of you was unfair? Do you let yourself become angry? Maybe I am off. How do you feel about some of the questions I've posed?

I don't plan on seeing a psychiatrist, I'm not interested in using medications for my anxiety. As much as it absolutely sucks, I'd rather let my body speak to me and try to see what's going on than numb myself with chemicals just so I can function. I'm sure they have their place, but I want to avoid them if I can. To update the thread, I told my mom I'm considering therapy. I felt like I needed to get that out of the way before talking to any therapists, seeing as I don't really have the money for them (at least not for one in the long term, I would run out of money) and I want to let my mom know that I'm struggling and wanting help. Last night I had racing thoughts about my relationship with my mom and fears over telling her I need help. I emailed Stefan about that is morning. The relationship with my mom is not as honest or compassionate as it should have been, and I know I can't necessarily change that. I just have to be more honest with myself. Her response to the idea of therapy was that I'm over thinking things (this was over text... I did not feel comfortable bringing it up face to face) but she thought seeing a free therapist at school would be good when I said I could do free therapy. I'm not... sure what that means. She thinks I'm over thinking it, but when I bring up free therapy, it's okay? The fact that she is dismissive of my pain is very disappointing, but I guess it's not surprising. I'm just glad to have gotten that out of the way. Now I can look into therapists at my college. Any feedback on this would be appreciated. I'm also wondering, for anyone who is keeping up with this thread or happens to be reading, what was your "coming out" story like with regards to admitting that you need therapy? Who did you tell, if anyone, and how did you feel about it? Does anyone have a similar experience with being in a kind of limbo phase about it?

Emanuel, good for you. I don't really have answers or suggestions for you as I'm actually going through more or less the same process. I remember you posted in my thread about considering therapy and how it helped to shed some light on your situation. I just wanted to tell you I am glad you are going through this process in your mind, and that you are able to admit feeling like you don't want to accept your psychological wounds. That is definitely understandable. I think it is good that you can feel that fear (or whatever that specific feeling for you is). Not that the unpleasantness is good, but that you're aware of it. Hopefully that makes sense. Ditto the "happy self-archaeology" sentiment

I am so sorry to hear this. You can take this with a grain of salt, but I think you are minimizing your own abuse. Your father basically said, "you are not worth my time" to you as a child, both your parents were controlling, they hit you- I think the number of times is irrelevant when talking about real damage, and you were shamed (soap/tobasco in the mouth) for speaking a certain way. Do you see any potential connections between your fetish for humiliation... and feeling humiliated and shamed as a child? I say this mainly based on the information you've given me. I don't know much about what causes sexual acting out and the pursuing of certain fetishes, but based on my own fantasies and experiences (which also were connected with humiliation), I have a strong feeling that I suffered from sexual abuse, however seemingly minor or innocuous it was. Why? Because I have "symptoms," and I did things as a child that I would not feel comfortable at all describing on here. Some of the symptoms I have are panic attacks which sometimes come when I'm alone in a small room with an older adult, dressing modestly and in layers during middle school/high school, refusing to think about sex during a period of my teenage years, sexual acting out when I was older, remembering a feeling of absolute terror when my mom had to change me once or twice in public where people would see me unclothed, being extremely secretive about my sexuality, etc. I am not entirely certain that all of these or any of these indicate sexual abuse, but they certainly seem to point to something amiss sexually. Maybe your mother did not instill a healthy concept of love or sex with you, because she herself did not have this. Obviously your father didn't, because he wasn't there. That could technically be form of sexual abuse, couldn't it? Lack of parental guidance? My father wasn't around for me either. Maybe you suffered sexual abuse in the sense of someone being voyeuristic with you? Maybe your fetish is one of several symptoms of more explicit sexual abuse that you don't want to remember. You could try Lens' suggestion to see if any interesting feelings come up for you. That could be a way to discover something about your fetish. On a side note, I can understand his pain in writing about his experiences and thoughts on the matter. I feel really uncomfortable posting this.

It's been a while since I've had a dream that was as clear and even had a suggestion in it, but I can understand the difficulty in following through with that. If I think about it, the tears welling up about your post come from seemingly contradictory feelings. I felt as though you told me something I have needed to tell myself for a long time, that I deserve appreciation for the effort I've put in. I think I said this before, but I still have quite a bit of shame to deal with. Intellectually, I understand the value in loving myself, I understand that my fears were most likely the fears of broken adults around me who sensed I knew the truth about them, and that to protect myself, I repressed feelings of anxiety, sadness, abandonment, etc. But getting the emotional side on the same page as the intellectual side is no easy feat. It was also sadness I felt after reading your comment, because the people who should have given me validation and should have encouraged my real feelings in childhood did not do so. I was not taught to do so. I think it is a feeling of grief mixed with relief, if that makes sense to you. It was very pleasant and enlightening to chat with you on skype. I was glad that you were so open about your own history in our introductions/biographies, it helped me to open up more. And it is good to hear that you have made such progress in your own self-work. I look forward to talking with you again some time.

I have a playlist on youtube for songs like this (one for liberty/anti-war material and a separate one for the self). I have Lupe Fiasco's "Words I Never Said" on there, as well as Muse's Uprising, haha. Nice to see you post them on here. I like this thread. I've only listened to "I am Not a Robot" so far from here, but I found that to be quite lovely. It resonates. Sworn too fast with all my might The clay was soft, the future bright Old fashioned ways that won't erase Out of control, this building gate Blinded like new I'm feeling much stranger about you Blinded like new I'm feeling much stranger about you Despite the shape, this twisted form With open arms into the storm Kept me kept and wanting more I saw you peeking through the door Blinded like new I'm feeling much stranger about you Blinded like new I'm feeling much stranger about you Song meaning: I think this song talks about getting too easily wrapped up in a relationship with someone who isn't all you've thought they were: "The clay was soft, the future bright"... she talks about this like it may be a habit of hers: "Old fashioned ways that won't erase" but also recognizes the faultiness of it, "Out of control, this building gate." The chorus, "I'm feeling much stranger about you" suggests that she realizes the problem. I am not entirely sure about this interpretation, but that's what I get from the song.