Jamie

I understand your point, I mostly listed those traits because they seem to have more to do with hardwireing than simply personality or orientation. It is plausable that I have a slight autistic spectum disorder as my mother was diagnosed with a slight autism herself, though I would hope that the psychologyst who determened I was dislexic apposed to whatever else the school thought I was would have noticed. It seemed he mostly thought I wasn't due to my unusualy large vocabulary, willingness to comunicate and high I.Q. Looking back though, I would often miss subtle social ques and be ostracized for it by peirs. I have also generaly been rather dense to signs of physical atraction from others.

I realy don't know how to start this, and I'm not exactly sure why I am sharing this here, other than the fact that I am aftaid to share it with anyone I know in persion in case I decide otherwise, but I think I am Pangendered. This feeling has been growing with me for some time now and even seems to be getting into my dreams. I don't know how much of this is nature and how much of this is nurture. I have strong male personality traits and even some mental/cognative ones. such as being drawn to details and being destracted by movement during conversation over being destracted by other individuals. I am also drawn to stair at mouths while conversing with people over eyes or bodies, which are apparently male traits. (http://www.mnn.com/health/fitness-well-being/stories/men-and-women-literally-see-the-world-differently) I am also dislexic, which is more common in men than women. My masculine trates can seem so strong at times that I even whent so far as to check to see if I have any trates that would denote some level of physical hermaphroditism (I don't, but I think my mind is hermaphroditic) I wonder if babies give off gender ques also somehow as my mother settled on a geder mixed name for me and according to the stories, my mother was often quite frusterated at people because they would say I was a "cute baby boy" even when I was dressed in obviously girl clothes! This is just to point out why I am unsure what may be nature, and what may be nurture, so to speak... perhaps my family were giving off the ques that I was a boy and that's where people where getting the idea... I don't know. As for personality, I ranked as masculin as most men on one of those more reputable online sights (it's been far to long to remember the name of the test or the site it was on.) I have always understood men and more masculin women over the clearly feminin type who have always seemed insain, irational and petty to me. Also, my interests have also generaly been more masculin in nature, and I have been a bit more ceriberal sense puberty at least. Other than the fact that my mother, and paternal grandmother are not themselves very femine and both have hormonal disorders, I'm not sure what altered my brain to be more masculin, as the only major hormonal alteration to fetal sexual/ sexual identity development I know of is feminization based on stress hormones. when I found out about this in my early 20's I considered the posability that I was a genetic male and that my mothers stress levels were so high during pregnancy that I ended up a girl. That theory went out the drain when I found out that females who are geneticaly males never have periods. LOL! well, this is my input, and I would love to hear other peoples thoughts, ideas or links to studies/other information if anyone has any. I'm not 100% sure what I am looking for, but I'm glad I could write about it none the less.

I am an only daughter of a single mother, and my split with my mother was identical to the mans experiance that Steph was talking to; the conversation we had looked like a romantic break up. Indeed, depending on the situation at hand, mothers can desplay quite a bit of sexual energy twards their daughters. I cannot place most of the early subtle information I got as a child, though she was very open about the fact that she was indeed choosing me insted of a romantic relationship and that she expected me to always be tied to her side. there was indeed something that was signaling to sexual energy when I was young geven some of my nightmares and uncontroled images when I tried to get to sleep. There was definatly some inapropriate behavior after puberty, and she compleatly went insain when I started dating. I do appear quite feminen, though my attitudes and behavior are often more masculine; as a mater of fact, I scored as masculine as most men on one of those large population based online tests. I'm not sure at the moment if this helped create the odd situation above, or was caused by it. Indeed neither could be the case, but I thought that information may be useful to those reading this. I assume the last case to be correct as some of the things that are more masculin about me are cognitive as well as behavioral, and all my closest female famly members exibit a certain level of masculine trates themselves.

The story of my life. I even procastinate on things I enjoy and know I am fuly capable of. The minut I read the title it clicked with me, but after reading your post I became perplexed at first as to how I posibly am so personaly invested in my failers. Then I rememberd my mother doing two actions that prety much killed it for me. She would always tell me how I was such a special spirit and I was going to do something very special in my life, then she would also punish me for things I didn't know were wrong and didn't know the underlining rule for.

I think this isue is being highly over simplified. It is about a lot more than fat/protien/carbs. Processesed shugars have been shown to add extra fat, when I have seen and heard many who sware they can't keep fat on no matter what they do on a raw food diet. If your talking about eating a prodominatly raw food diet (which I have some experiance with) you should consider all the bio-nutrients you are getting that you would otherwise be void of as well as the high amounts of fiber you are getting. if your body uses the calories you take in to actualy fix and run your body properly (which it need the nutrents to do) then that will not only burn more calories but give you more energy for other activities. Also, uncooked, high fiber foods lock in more calories, causing them to pass through your system instead of alowing absorbtion into the blood stream, so the amount you are eating is not the same as you are actualy runing on. Also, I can garuntee that you are getting protien in your diet if you are eating fruit, and if you aren't eating any fatty fruit (like bannana's and Avacado) you should be happy to know that the body can manufacture it's own as you would probably be dead or at least suffering memory loss without that fact. The membrain of every cell in your body are made of fat and brain cells are more fatty than most cells.

Thank you for your advice Dave. Unfortunatly, It often hapens before I realize it, like verbal diahria. I usualy do it for a sence of connection with others. When I was in school I was frustrated because I felt that everyone thought I was alright. I wasn't a problem child, didn't break the rules, I got good grades and I was always smiling and chipper, so I became goth. This didn't change much as now I dressed in black with black makup,.talked about death and the supernatural with a smile on my face and a still prity chipper tone so I finaly just started telling people how screwed up I realy am. I know it's not healthy for me and others, and I hope to correct the problem.

There is realy too much that has happend over the years for me to even talk about everything genaricly here, some of it was very subtle for a long time. My teen years changed that, as any deviation from standards whas met with heaps of abuse. My mother would even often nudge me in a certain derection only to later emotionaly punish me for it. Like encoraging me to decide on religion for myself, when any casual observer could tell I was highly interested in historical and forign culures and then get abusive when it comes out that I decided I was Pagan. This is the first time I can remember her showing me that she was capable of being physicaly abusive twards me with truly malicious intent. She kept goating me on to put this pentagram necklace a friend lent me on, saying I should be proud and not have to hide it "if this is who you are" and proceded to rip it off my neck, slap me in the face and deride me for both the action and refusing to comply sooner. Basicly, I realize I don't wan't to be around people like that, even if they are my FOO, especialy when they clearly don't change. They already compleatly screwed me up, why should I give them a chance to cause more harm? Also, I do plan to find a way to go to theripy even though I don't know how I will do it yet, and I'm not sure how to find one I can truly oppen up good. I am fuly capable of talking about an injustice and humiliation I have gone through without actualy being emotionaly availible, making it even more important to find help I ohnestly feel like I can trust.

Thank you for your reply xelent. I feel draind of the relationship. it was stress over the fall out and a sense of guilt that was putting me on hault. as any skilled maipulator, she's good at working a situation to where I can be put to blame by both of us. Same thing has been happening again. My fix was placing the guilt and anger sqarely where it belongs. Now I'm just afraid of her trying to crawl back into my life. By the way, it was a feeling of guilt that got me to let her back into my life in the first place.

This turned out to be much milder than it seemed it could become. I think I have the gentle questions you to gave me that helped. they gave me some real derection. The fear was linked to several things. I was afraid of dealing with her in the near future, and afraid to see the catasrophic truth of the situation. the idea that she has been getting off to all the termoil she has put me through makes me angry... well, it almost made me sick at first, but then angry. Vulnerability is also a big thing to fear at the moment... My mom helped goad me into a relationship with somone who is no doubt a N-type also and I've managed to become fully financialy dependent on him over the years; not to mention I have been sepperated from anyone who could posibly help me get on me feet. At this piont I have an Nmother, Nboyfriend and one sturdy friendship with a girl a bit more broken and blind to her own Nfamily who she is dependant on. Great late breaking news, my mother just called and was going on about a lot of stuff folowed by the "I'm not losing you to" caviate. Couldn't bring myself to lie and things turned out to be realy civil when I operated with ohnesty and integrity pointing out the flaws in her arguments in a generaly calm matter. The difference in her tone of voice and maturity was freaking unbelivable. If feels do damn good to be true... ok... it is to good to be true, I suddenly feel guilt and imagin my mom sobbing after we hung up. worse yet, right before she had to go to work. How am I suposed to sleep now!?

Thank you so much for the question. Your right, that turm realy doesn't mean anything in the long turm. perhaps a realy disterbing break through would be a better term. I don't know a word for the emotion, short of fear, sadness, horror and angxiety pluss shock. Last time I had a Nervous break down it was more like greaving. That may actualy be a good turm for it, postponed greaving. I don't know why I wan't to hold back on this, but I'll just say it. What trigered it with my father was realising and starting to remember molestation. (my mom even managed to make that about her when I told her) I was at work when this happened and I couldn't do anything but have a crying hopeless angxiety attack.

Ok, Sorry... It was hard for me to read this as this is clearly my Grandmother, but I think this is my mother also even though it doesn't fully peg her. She just leaned more to the pitty side to make up for obviouse greavences and was supper heavy on the sacherin "Your my whole world, your so much better than I am" b.s. I guess as an only child the game could definatly be a bit different. I had a lot of aversion to seeing this as my mom. I even physicaly felt like turning away as I was reading it. She played the Maryter a lot more than the "I was only doing it for you" she will also except guilt for something, but make it about herself. She also can't remember most of the things she did to me as a child until I mention them explicitly.

My mother has some of the traits, but not all of them, and my worst memories are far worse than that. Though this is definatly my paternal grandmother. me and my mom lived with her until I was 16 and I forced my mom to get us away from that old bat. My mother was often smothering, and shared to much information too soon, like me knowing nearly all the details of her childhood molestation before I was 14, not to mention all my fathers failings including him being a minut man, uncercomsized and that my mother couldn't go down on him because his junk stank from hardly bathing. She also let me know how she considerd aborting me or giving me up for adoption because my parents were homless at the time (folowed by all the normal lovey "why I couldn't/ But I didn't because.." stuff.) She would sometimes pretend that she didn't know who I was and ask me how I got into her house "you must be sombody elses little girl." this often led to her draging me across the livingroom floor towards the back door kicking and screaming leaving bruse marks and rug burns. My mother was born with a heart problem and she would often throw herself down on the floor making a loud thud when I was in the other room and proceed to play dead no matter how long I tried to get her up knowing she was playing. This was "To make sure I knew what to do if something actualy happened to her." There were other times she would pretend to be possessed and tell me she wasn't my mother in a scratchy growly voice as I cried and begged her to stop and kept calling out for her. I realy think the realy twisted stuff only stopped because we took in my cousin. Maybe this can all fit in with narcissism. I can't quite tell. My mother has done many of the things listed in your link including going through all my stuff. I don't know The narcicst sounds more cold to me. My mother was always chaotic fiery bloody cureening insanity metaphoricly speeking. Like Kali eating her children in a psychological sense. Speaking of which, guess which dieties I was drawn to when I looked for religion for myself? Kali and Lilith, the child killers. Also, I often felt like I was drowning in her emotions. When I was young she would put me into situations that I had to force through to emotional connection as a servival mechanism. I offten felt like the care giver in these situations, having to force eye contact and levy every good emotion I had to calm her and bring her back. She often hinted at suicide which would naturaly mean death to a child, giving me no option but to try and fix it. I had to try to manage her emotions. Damn it... New memories serficing for me to deal with... I guess this is working for something... I just rememberd my mother slaping me, taking my face and pulling it to her to make eye contact and shaking her finger at me. given how she looks I'd say it was before I was two. also the fact that I can't remember what was coming out of her mouth and can't remember any thoughts. Sorry for this long ramble. For some reasion it seems I can only jornal publicly. I also have no sense of "need to know information" emotionaly speeking, no doubt due to my mother. O_o P.S. I have heared this kind of parent child relationship refered to as the Kali/modona complex

The only family I still deal with is my Mother, and it's killing me. I can't take it any more to the point that I'm about to have a freaking angsiety attack if not a small break down. It would be so easy if she wasn't a compleat noose around the neck. Her life is falling apart, and she did it to herself. Unfortunatly she is pulling all the guilt games she can right now. I may just be being paranoid, but I think she is causing it because she feels that I'm out the door and is trying to trap me. She is about to lose her appartment and/or electricity, and she just got hit over the head with the fact that her now ex-online "boyfriend" is an african scammer (mail scam), not in that order. She has already been giving me the suicide calls and the "I pray every night for god to take me out of this world" calls, not to mention the "I don't wan't to make you feel guilty, I understand you can't help me but I had a premenition that I will be dead by the end of the year" a few minuts ago. Every call has that desperate whine to it, and I'm going crazy. I split with her once before. I moved without telling her and let somone else let her know because I couldn't handle the fall out. My mother is great at playing the mayrter... and the demon. Unfortunatly she has my phone number and is emune to the tricks and tips I have heard of so far. The note on the door would land me with a frenzied phone call with the "I'm never going to see you again... it's ok, you won't have to worry about me anymore. good by (<---hinting at suicide)" bullocks, probably with some other nasty stuff interspersed (think name calling and the obligatory "you don't care"). If it's not that obvious yet, I'm an only child of a single mother who was on disability up untill a few years ago. She never dated sense she devorced my father, or worked, or realy even made friends; she barely has contact with any other family and she has only one friend now who is sub-par to say the least... sooo... dependence I guess. I'm at my whits end, and close to a nerviouse break down. I have already had one a few years ago when I was stupid enough (ill informed?) to see my dad again after over a decade. THAT at least had the small benifit of clerifying some things I realy needed to find out (though still something I really wish I didn't have to go through). By the way, with all this going on, anyone have any good ideas on what to do if you realy need some good mental help but have absolutly no money? I finaly know I can't deal with this alone, but my problems caused me to end up in a fully dependant relationship with a man who preaches that theripy is stupid and I should just stay bussy to deal with it (even though one of the effects of my horible youth is a nearly compleet inurtia, LOL). Would it help to mention that My dreams around my mother lately have made absolutly no sense and have seemed rather pleasant?

Well, that is true. It is a bit hard to tell though, given how early in history Caral was abandoned compared to the Myan. the evenence apparently shows that they traveled north to more fertile land. After that I have no clue what happened.

Makes sense. Basicly, a population goes through a starvation period, is forced to resort to canabalism, and the psychological affects linger on for what seems like eternity. The bond beetween any parent and serviving child would be severly broken by the canabalization of other siblings, and thus effect there future paranting and how they value their own children. Also, I guess once pandora's box is open, so to speak, it's hard to put the demons back. Soo.... then human sacrifice wouldn't seem much different to sacrificing a cow or a shaft of corn; it could have started as sacrificing some of the only food sorce humans had left in plenty?

I would hightly sugest you watch the Documentary for clarification on some points if you are not already familiar with Caral and its (thought slightly disputed) importance. Basicaly, Caral was a South American city in the very begining stages of civilization development, the kind of city that archaeologists were searching for in order to try and learn early mans motivations to come together to build civilizations to begin with. One of, it not the oldest in South America (there is still some dispute, but if there are older cities, they are still fairly close in age.) As you can imagine, one of the main theorys was that humans started building civilizations in order to protect themselves against war. As we should know by now, the modivation for war is child abuse and peace comes out of peaceful parenting. As it turns out, the War Theory didn't hold up. There was absolutly no signs of war or violence at Caral, no weapons, mutalated bodies or signs of human sacrifice. There wasn't even fortifacations to protect against invading forces. What they did find were signs of cooperation and trade. As an inland comunity, they lived on a diet of mostly fish and were clearly trading for drugs and pigments from the rain forest to the north. Given that they were clearly a peaceful society entirely built on trade, do you think this point to fairly healthy parenting styles? Do you think it is likely that parenting practeces simply degraded over time perhaps from trama based on famin, pestulence desease or other natural desasters? What might it have taken to cause a peaceful people to eventualy degrade into widespread human sacrifice? (It has been determend that there is likely some contenuity between Caral and the later Myan and Incan civilizations.) I would realy like peoples thoughts on this. It realy has been perplexing me given it seems to go against the hypothesis that human parenting practices started out atrocious and have slowly been evolving over time. The Lost Pyramids of Caral 1 of 5 - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZCmPb8dt_g (more/better information in later parts of the documentary)

I LOVE Bronies!!! My significant other is a bit of one himself and we watch the show together. There is a bit of a creepy sub group out there as Iv'e come across some adult stories about My Little Ponies which strikes me as relating a bit to (if not compleatly) Zoophilia. That kind of creeps me out. Other then that, I never realy thought much about the "why". It is definatly up beat, the characters have fairly fleshed out personalities that are likable, and the plots are fairly humorious most of the time. I think it helps people de-stress. I would say that there is a good chance that these men had troubled childhoods though, not that I think about it. After all, everything seems nice and happy and wonderfull in Ponyvill, yet most of the main characters have had an episode where the literaly went insaine... not to mention most of their personalities are built on disfunction. (Fluttershy is painfuly shy and scared of almost everything, Rarity is vain, Rainbow Dash is overly boisterious and lacking empathy, Twilight Sparkal is a work-a-holic who was antisocial befor moving to Ponyvill and Pinky Pie is just plain bonkers. I think the only seemingly sane one is Apple Jack but she has an over developed sense of responsability which isn't exactly healthy either.) I guess I conclude they must have come from some pretty crazy bacgrounds in order to be able to identify with the show. Also before you ask; yes, I came from a compleatly insane family.

I hadn't even considered the aditional exposure to adult problem solving and group decision making, Thank you for pointing this out! This does seem to make a healthy comunal living situation could be exceptionaly good for children. Unfortunatly, more primitive cultures often don't have a problem with disceplen which we would consider abuse in this day and age, so comunal child rearing probably wouldn't have stopped physical or verbal abuse from happening. This all depends though, as comunities that were more peaceful (i.e. had better parenting practices) would have most likely been killed and inslaved by their war like neighbors.

First, I wan't to thank both of you for the warm welcome. I'd have been here sooner, but it took me a while to decide I had anything individual to offer. LOL As for your question V, As soon as I heared Stefs arguments for how an Anarcho-capitalist society could function I was converted, but I was already yerning for a way to make Anarchy work. I was already sharing information on the injustices brought about by the U.S. government and was telling anyone who would listen how drug prohabion actualy started and the reasions behind it. I was extreamly angry at government because I recognized it was illegitimate but could see no way to get on without it. I can ohnestly say that the foundations for Anarchy were laid down early in my life, as well as my cynicism about humanity, so I basicaly just needed the right information and ideas to push me past my doubts.

Sorry I got lazy with my links. I've been looking stuff up and reading for hours now. There are some facts which could be used to suport most of the hypothosis. There seems to be evidence of widespread hallucinogen use in a prehistoric religiouse sense, and the size of male gonades shows a decent level of female promiscuity among humans. If you hold to the idea that humans and chimps share common ancestery, than the idea that humans may have been even more promiscuious in their early development could definatly be considered. Even now, there are cultures that raise children comunaly instead of familialy, which looks more like neglect than love in practice (I don't have enough information at the moment to do an apropriate search for the information). Lastly, I have read and listend to many acounts of hallucinogenic drugs bringing on feelings of oneness and varying feelings and ideas which would run counter to the idea of ownership and property. Given all that information, the theory may be correct, but the idea that this was somehow ideal for children sounds more like hippy propaganda than science. It would more likely be one more style of living hell than a tribal utopia. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-scientific-fundamentalist/200803/if-you-want-know-what-women-have-been-look-men-s-genital-0 http://www.cannabisculture.com/articles/3136.html (the first site I found in a geneal serch. has lots of citations at the bottom) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3objRWDOE4 http://ancient-wisdom.co.uk/shamanism.htm http://www.answersingenesis.org/articles/tj/v17/n1/dna

I'm not entirely sure what triggered it; maybe it was the cop we had on campus at my high school or the the fact that I couldn't leave campus at lunch even though nothing worthwhile was going on, I don't know. Shoot, it may have even been brought on by the news ( or; more likely; a combination of Fahrenheit 451, Animal Farm, Ann Frank and some other book about a distopian future who's name I only wish I could remember; all still part of the manditory English curricullum at the time) . One way or another, I came to the realization that government... any government... was evil. I turned this over again and agin, wriggled it around in my head with all the "facts" about society I thought I knew. I fought for a way to implement a world free of government in my head, a way to live free of evil, but I had consumed the propaganda they wanted me to eat. All I had left was a sense of hoplessness. as Much as my heart yearned for Anarchy, I came to the conclusion that government was a "necessary evil. Life went on, though without any depth. Depth hurt to much, it was full of anger, sandess and above all else, fear. How else are you to feel when you have concluded that existance is evil and your greatest desire, distructive? Over the years I picked at it's serfice like a scab, I couldn't leave those feelings alone, so I started consuming "the truth." I watched vidio after vidio, about things like 9-11, the Federal Reserve, the implamentation of "The War on Drugs" and drone strikes on inocent people in Iraq. Eventualy this led my to Stef's YouTube chanal. I'm not sure what my first vidio was, but it "clicked" enough that I listend to more of his videos, which didn't take my that long to get to one about DRO's. I think I ended up crying as I listened. I hadn't been crazy to want freedom, and it very well could work. There realy was hope, I just hadn't been able to see it through all the lies they fed me. Needless to say, that is what hooked me and I have been listening ever sense. (sorry for any serious spelling issues; this computer seems to be lacking Spell Check and spelling has always been dificult for me)