Gaurav251

I remember being like this, and its a very vivid feeling, because it felt like nothing in my life was enjoyable and the only thing that actually woke me up, or gave my nerves a good 'impulse' was the sight of violence or death. Granted I was not the type to 'endorse' violence. But I always felt that these people that watch and comment on things like this don't really care about who is beating up who, they just need a justification to make the violence not seem awful and thus worthy of being initiated. Like if you see a white man beating up a brown man, you wouldn't really 'enjoy' or 'endorse' or 'support' the persons decision on committing violence on some one else unless you were really into human hatred and psychopathic tendencies. But if there is a justification given to you such as the brown man being a grocery shoplifter, or a confirmed rapist, or something else, you will have a reason for liking that violence because you think "that's what they deserve". So I am guessing the reason that violence was endorsed is because people had the reason that "since that guy is a asshole he deserves to get beat up", and its very easy to find reasons to use violence on others. I mean I see this all the time if I ever go check up on reddit combat footage videos, day in day out real people dead bodies being blown up to dust with mostly every one looking and saying "he deserved it for being a idiot" or some other reason.

These are the important things I find in your sentences: "Our drummer is AMAZING. Top notch, absolute pro. He's hilarious to as well. He's also completely insane and a royal pain in the ass." "Recently my bass player and I finally have realized that if are to carry on at all we need a new drummer and probably a new guitarist. We've known this for years but these guys are old friends. It's really hard. We can't bring ourselves to have the conversation with them. With our drummer it will ruin the friendship." " It is almost as if I have a mental block that prevents me from being able to release the album. " Since I didn't have time today to read all of your post today, I will make assumptions of what I hear, it seems like you don't really have that much of a connection with your band because if you did you shouldn't have problems discussing important things with your drummer and I wonder if this mental block that 'stunts' or 'paralyzes' you has something to do with the trust between your band members, again only assumptions since I haven't read the whole thing and I am very tired today, I will read the rest tomorrow.

Well its all about the cost/benefit relationship right?If these people are beneficial to my life and give me comfort and happiness, sure! Why not keep them around? How ever if they are destructive and potentially crazy (thus following little to no ethics or principles) I will turn 180 degrees and separate my self from them in the easiest and shortest ways possible (how ever I would rarely even start to have a relationship with them if I see these things oozing out of their personalities). Sure that doesn't leave me a lot of friends to hang out with, but when I do find the 'right' person it is a far more enjoyable relationship for me to be in and I absolutely would not trade it for having 'more' people in my life as 'friends'.

One thing I learned about irrational people is that their arguments dont follow a pattern at all, they can switch their 'moral compass' as fast as they can do a 180 degree body turn. My greatest example is my father who says that religion gives people peace because people are naturally violent and then when I bring up Islam (because he naturally hates sunni religion because hes a hinduist) he says "that makes people violent unless they follow *insert another religion*". I think Stef said that these kinds of people are those that "even when they are check mated in a game they will not admit defeat and continue on as if the king can be lost and the game can continue with what ever pieces that person has left" in other words even if the argument is completely irrational or illogical to the point that were entering complete fantasy land stuff (dragons, mermaids, planet X that will destroy the earth one day, etc.) there is little you can do if that person is not willing to even say that he has a 1% chance of being wrong or maybe just misled. You are just going to be arguing pointlessly because you 'cant win' regardless of what you do because the game was 'rigged' from the start to make it so the only winning condition is that you lose.

"If you have a problem with the government then call your congressmen or women and tell them your feelings!" "If that doesn't work! Vote them out of office! That will teach em a lesson they will never forget!"

Sorry if I offended you, its just I haven't met a person who's hated his birthday and takes it as an insult if wished happy birthday, so in that case I was ignorant. However I will say that you must have had a depressing childhood, and I am truly sorry that you have reasons to hate the day you were born. There's a part of me saying right now that by saying what I just said is just another insult being thrown at you, and once again, I apologize if it is. But it feels like to me you didn't just make a thread about your birthday and posted a depressing poem (what it looks like to me) for 'no reason', and rather it feels like a cry for help. Again could be bull crap coming from my mouth but its just from my personal experience. I will ask this though, was there a time that you didn't hate your birthdays? Or rather when did you start hating your birthdays? You don't have to answer it but I am just curious as how it came to end up in this way.

Hmm, is there a specific reason why you hate your birthday? There are times where I just found my birthday unimportant and felt it was like any other day but I don't remember in my own life hating my birthday. Plus as to why I wish you happy birthday, wishing happy birthday's to people is pretty normal to me. I wish happy birthdays to people who say it is there birthdays at such and such date (after all its only once a year your birthday comes), it is just a kind gesture I developed while growing up, and I find it pretty normal to do so. I guess I wish people happy birthday because I expect people to do the same for me when my birthday comes.

Man I am getting so many mixed feelings from that poem, sadness, regret, despair, anger, hope, I can just go on and on. I will be very honest here, I dont know what to say to make you feel happy, and I dont even know if your feeling down. But I can at least say that you are an amazing person and a great happy birthday to you!

Yah I started doing udacity because I just like python better then java and udacity does the learning reaaallllyy slowly but thats how I like it, basically programming is something I do in the spare time instead of playing video games, and its made my days a lot more 'happier' and fun (and frustrating too!) by the way your right, I dont hate math, but man the teachers I had were people who were teaching french, english, and social studies in their other curriculums and couldn't give two cents about teaching math as they just made it look like "just another course".

This sounds way to morbidly true and resonating with whats been done to me, I might as well add:-Tell your kids its bad to swear and then scream curse words in the house everday. -Beating up your wife (my mother) in front of your son has no negative consequences and is perfectly okay if you have reasons like 'shes a whore' to tell your 10 year old kid too.

I would really like to rent a place but my mother feels 'very' strongly about buying a place as she thinks "the money is not wasted". Plus all the places here have huge rent costs with hydro and parking fees. by the way these buildings are more then 40+ years old, so even I am scared about the maintenance costs and my fears are telling me this is not good but unfortunately its not my money and there is little I can do but heed advice to my mom. Me and my mom like the place don mills because we have been living here our entire lives hence it feels comfortable here and when I ask my mother what about all these other places she says its "bad neighborhoods" and thus I am restricted to this location really. My mother also says it will be of no hindrance to me in the future and that she will be able to pay back the loan/mortgage by her self and I can keep the property after wards. It wont really be a loss for me as I am not the one who bought and paid for the place and my family already owns property in India which I can settle into at any time I want. The reason my mother wants to buy property here in Canada is so she can have a 'easy' time switch from here to India again any time she wants (gives same reason for me too). I might settle down here if the economy and job market looks good but if not I will just simply fly back to my home country and find some work there. I kind of think its a good decision but I still have a few worries about it but these are worries that wont effect me until years ahead of my life. I feel a bit of powerlessness in this decision making but I just wanted to ask the question out of the good of my conscience really, and to see if I could say anything to my mom about changing her mind.

First therapist, has 15+ years of experience being one, says he knows how to handle video game addictions, family problems, and all sorts of things fit to my category, go first session, tell him about all my problems, feelings and thoughts, listens in and after I am done says: "You need more discipline-" Instant turn off, everything after that I couldn't take seriously (and for good reason too, he was recommending I heal the relationships with my abusive father). That was the first and last session with that therapist, sucks I lost $100. After that I bought the self therapy books recommended on this forum and I can say they have a much more meaningful impact in my life.

I noticed that time has huge impacts and little value after a few years have been gone into making a relationship. In the beginning its nice to talk about interests, history, childhood, hobbies, and stuff but the thing thats stays is "Do I like this person?" or "Is this person healthy in my life?" or "Can I trust him to be there?" kind of stuff. I mean I have made friends by simply asking people for a pencil and then the ball just gets rolling from there. I have also lost them by simply starting a delicate conversation. Easy come, easy go I guess.

Hmm all good points, so me and my mom are now deciding to get something cheaper and still comfortable with around the same maintenance cost, http://www.remax-premier.ca/listings/1262302-5-parkway-forest-dr-toronto-ontario-c2725528 http://www.remax-premier.ca/listings/1242534-20-forest-manor-rd-toronto-ontario-c2698372 Been to these two places, they are ok and with a little polish will do fine.

I still have this motive that if I dont get that premium optical cable, that headset case, the astro scout backpack, and the audio warranty for a a50 headset then there will be no point purchasing it with out these things. Of course I just use my old sennheiser headset and when ever it breaks I just use tape to fix the wirings inside and it works perfectly ok, saves money and time.

Hi me and my mother are deciding to leave the rented apartment in the name of our abusive father and move on to some place where he cant bother us, now so far the condos and housing prices are extremely high but it seems like there are a few places where things can be done, how ever I dont feel all to confident owning a home, especially since my mother says it will be in my name later on and become my property. This is because I might move back to India some time after I am done college here. Plus I dont know how great it is to own a house compared to just renting one for now. For example we see condo rooms we can buy that will cost $400,000 and after the down payments and loans being repaid the maintenance fee will be $500 (while repaying the mortgage fees with the maintenance would be $2500 (at least that's what my mom says)). An example of such a place we think we should get is is this one - http://www.realtor.ca/propertyDetails.aspx?propertyId=13510627&PidKey=1160829994. My mother estimates it will take around 20-25 years to repay it from a single income of being a teacher (this also depends on my job I have later on to shorten that time). How ever if we move into one of these expensive condo rents or apartments with the cost of hydro, parking, renting fees together it will be around $1900 or $2000 (could also be around $1500 but those apartments are really old and squishy to be inside) monthly for a 2 bedroom condo/apartment. Since I am in a state of slight fear and confusion on what to do (after all it isn't me getting loans and buying a house) I am here to ask you guys what you think I should do? I remember Stef saying sometime that the state could use my owned property against me and that's why I have some fears of having property owned in Canada rather then being more free to be able to move around. Thus I am here to ask your opinions on this matter.

I havent felt a chronic condition but I can say that mentally I am fucked up thanks to abuse from school and at home. With that said I could tell you what I feel when I think about my future and the timer that has been put on me for how long I can travel in this world. I would say that my realization that I am not immortal and my time is limited and my life is closing down on me, narrowing on to me, forcing me to choose a path to walk through or suffer the consequences of idleness does get to me most of time. It leaves me worried, panic, and often scared enough to just go off my self. It doesn't help that I possibly lived in the most hellish statist school environments and that left me with traumatizing events where I eventually decided to leave school and do online school. Even now when I try my best to get over with high school and be done with traumatizing memories come back to haunt me and I wonder why I even spend my life time living in such a world full of insanity. Now I stop worrying about my future rather then look at the entire staircase I just look at one step, that being finish high school. But then comes the problem of what I do after that? Its all black, full of void, and my future seems so uncertain that thinking about it makes me feel like I will lose everything and every one when I grow up. Although I haven't lost a family member or a friend I can say I have lost most of what used to be my self, and I feel like a cocoon of what remains, struggling to get by and do something in life. The only thing that keeps me up is my now supportive mother, praising me and telling me how she will attempt to help me get through life and how its not as hard as it seems. Yet it feels so daunting, unnerving, and scary to feel like whats going on now for me. I question my self why I go through this crap that I wont remember a year after I finish it? Why do I struggle, bleed, sweat, and put my work into things that will be forgotten? Then I remember its because the system requires me to go through this, that people still believe in the delusion that kids cant teach them selves and therefore deserve no rights, or choices to be given on what to do with their lives (Yah I am sounding more cynical as I go down aren't I?) In order for me to get a bachelors I need to finish grade 12 university courses meaning I have to undo my college courses I picked, because otherwise I would have to get an advanced diploma in college which would cost me even more time and money to go through if I dont finish this now in high school. I still feel that I am being pushed around and being ordered what to do in life, unconsciously and consciously that it is so hard for me to not struggle with my self and just give up on working after a hour. It also hurts to have that feeling that even if I do go through all this and finish all this like a 'good boy' does in high school and college I will not be guaranteed anything when I come out, leaving me with even more despair of why I choose to work so hard for so little benefit. Alas, the thing that keeps me up is that I think this will be the worse part of my life so far, divorce of my parents, abuse, redoing high school, being scared about my future, and falling into depression with the circumstances I am in. It makes me feel like what could be worse? Death? I think that would kind of end my suffering and I wouldn't mind being killed by some one, but thats how low my confidence has fallen. So in all of this can I really say that my decisions I made in life has led me to this? That I am the one to blame for all this suffering? Maybe I could have made another choice in life but it wouldn't have changed the outcome I was born in. That kind of powerlessness gets to you, it makes you feel like your life had already been determined since you were born. That this much abuse will happen to you and this is what you will be left with and these are your tools to go out and be successful. I wish some one could just call this the cancer of growing up and the tumor that grows until you reach adulthood and are finally given some individuality to do things, and become nauseated and scared with the fact that I have to deal with so much crap because of the environment I live in. I do feel a need to change my self and self-improve but how much can a person who had his mental limbs cut off improve? I think that kind of person can only adapt with the fact that he has to carry so much baggage around with him when ever he attempts to do anything. I guess all I really am doing is rambling and venting my frustrations but it does make feel slightly better when I do it. The feeling that life is rushing faster then you can comprehend is the one thing that grasps and terrifies me to no end. It really feels like I cant do anything but sit by and watch as my life just pushes forward by it self. I still accept that there is free will because after all if I wasn't watching stef and his videos I would have considered my self much worse off and if I hadn't attempted even a shred of self-therapy I would be dead by my own hands. I really do want to work hard but working hard for things I dont care about when I could be watching the most thrilling entertainment and most addictive video games of the century is what makes my priorities so loose, do I give up on my future or try to do something with it and not have the guarantee that it will do me any good later on in life? That is the crossroads I currently am on, and although it is not a chronic disease or a disease that hurts the body it is things that I think about every time I wake up now, and I can call that a problem in it self. However this doesnt mean I have given up on my self, all it means is I realise I have problems and things I need to do before I can start doing things I want. When I am done with this and finally establish a comforting and safe environment for my self I can consider most of my goals in life complete and I dont know hard or how long that will take but I will find a way by either carving a path, looking for one, or building it my self. You know the most wonderful thing of having nothing to lose? You don't really fear you can go any lower then what you are now, and the only thing to do is go up, and I guess that what makes me feel better about my self.

It really feels like programming is something I can do compared to being an accountant (its what my mom says I should do) and it feels like it will be my choice, by the way I am currently learning how to use python at Udacity.com, dont know if its worth it but it feels really nice for beginners just entering (or people like me picking it up again). Also is it worth it to go to college to get a advanced diploma for programming? (example: http://www.senecac.on.ca/fulltime/CPD.html)

I am still living at home but my parents are getting a divorce and I am going to move with my mother to a condo room she is going to buy (not rent) in north york. I feel like it will be a positive thing for me to detach away from my dad as I feel he is a deterrent that I just dont want in my life (I never want to go out of my room while he is out there). I should probably add that I have MAJOR issues with procrasinaton even if from now I am doing things for my own benefit, It is something I developed because my needs were never met and I was ordered around constantly in school and at home by my parents to do things and never told why. I feel if I can just get rid of this procrasination feeling and have some passion to do something for my future (or rather have empathy for my future which I am struggling to find in my self) then I feel I will become a better person, but for now everything to me feels just hopeless, discontent, and full of despair so I just lay off and do nothing but play video games. But I really want to change that self about me, I really want to turn my self into something I wanted to be when I was a kid or growing up yet how do I get over all these feelings in me? Its just so hard for me to contemplate doing programming because I feel like a complete failure, that I will never reach my goals and even if I do no one will bother to hire me to do anything and I will always be late for deadlines unable to finish most work asking for help most of the time. These fears just come and come and rail at me over and over. I feel that going to college will just turn me back into a slave that I was in school and at home. So I dont bother doing anything in life and just play video games. Yet I dont want to end my life like this so I want to do something and pick a decision while I am still young. Sometimes I find it hard to breath when I think about this stuff and even now I feel like I cant choose a career because simply I dont have any dreams for what my future should be like. I go to these career/personality quiz questions and it asks me stuff like "What did your friends most like about you?" and I simply cant give it an answer. To summarize it, what I am really trying to say is that I feel complete hopelessness for what ever I wish to do, or want to do, and feel like being in a middle income job like an accountant (something my suggested and then suggested that later on I get an MBA with it because she 'missed her chance') would be to boring for me to live my entire life doing. It also doesnt help that I dont look after my health nor do I eat much and because of that my body is really skinny and feels like I havent showered for ages. Well thats the feelings that go on in my head for now at least.

What do you feel exactly when you start to program? More detail and honesty is better. It has been a long time since I programmed and I pretty much gave up on it after the last course I had, I felt a lot of frustration, hopelessness at times, and I did cheat by simply copying codes from the internet to finish some assignments. At times I felt like I didnt have 'the talent' to do programming that it was something I had not developed from my birth or childhood and that it just wasn't for me because I lacked that. How ever the reason I seemed to like the class was the teacher, when I got the second teacher(For Grade 12) my grade was lower then my old Grade 11 class. However the learning environment was fun to be in, and it really felt like a class where it was much more 'free' to be in then other classes. You could say that I rather like the class more then programming but I felt like the environment was really friendly compared to everything else I had to go through. What would you feel if you were to succeed at programming? I would feel like a wizard that has gained a super power that most people dont have, and I would feel the confidence of knowing that I have a skill that most people dont. The amount of critical thinking skills and abstract ways of learning involved in programming are something I fear and want, and although I always dont have complete confidence in my abilities to do things I know for a fact that a programmer usually never works alone, and there will be people there to help me. Most importantly it would be less boring then being an accountant and sitting at a little desk chair filing taxes and checking finances for most of my life. Plus I can never stop coding really (if I succeed at programming that is), always something new to learn, always something new to pick up. Most of my life I have just spent doing stuff on the computer and I feel like programming will be the same thing except with other people around me. What is your past experience with things you were good at or wanted to do and what happened to those things? This one is hard to answer, the things I liked before was astrology and I was doing really, really well up to my mid terms until the hard cold reality of my abusive environment started to set in(or rather I knew this yet I just tended to ignore it). I feel at home I am in danger and there is always screaming going on across my room. I feel that most of my problems are coming from my dad as he seems to be stalking my mom when ever she leaves some place he doesn't know, and he always asks me "Where did your mom go?" "Can you call your mom and ask her where she is?" to which I said nothing to at times. I always felt that my environment at home was poisonous, and at some point I felt that my environment at school became poisonous. So I soon decided to just leave school when I was almost finished with it and took time off to think about stuff in my life as it was coming to the point where I was beginning to have suicidal thoughts. Well you could say that it is the poisonous family environment at my home that makes me confused and full of anxiety of what I want to do for my future as I feel like there are parts of me that died long ago when I entered school and the times my parents took me to all sorts of different day cares and public schools to go to. I always feel that those parts of me that died will never come back to me and it always feels like I am looking for a part of me that 'lived' in my hellish environment to cling on to and do things. Because as it is I dont know what I really want to do with my life (I am 19 years of age) and I feel so purposeless and so useless that I go around looking for careers and jobs that pay good money yet I find no interest in them and impossible to achieve as I would have to go back to school again (and I dont want to go back to school). Since that didnt work out I tried to look for things that I did really well in school such as programming and I felt like I grasped a straw that I could work with and a part of me that some how 'lived' through everything I went through (or I hope so) and thats how I ended up starting my thread in the freedommainradio forum here and asking about programming. EDIT: Now that I think about how much work I will need to do to get the bachelors degree in software development in college for programming I am getting that anxiety and fear again. Dont know if its normal, but I have been feeling a lot of fear for my future.

So I have decided that I want to learn programming as that was the only thing I could do well in school (I did horribly in math, physics, and chemistry yet programming was something I could put time into at home to do). The problem is that programming looks so daunting, unnerving, and scary to me that I just keep backing off thinking that I can do something else in life when the truth is I don't want to do something else in life, I could be an accountant but I have no interest in being an accountant, I could be a psychologist but that would take to many years of my life to become one, no interest in biology so medical school and all that stuff ain't for me. Yet when I was in school I always had this big idea of being able to make my own video games and work with other programmers and build code and build stuff that people could use, though somewhere around the time I was in school that dream died with a programming teacher in my computer science class that didn't even care about programming at all. We were given assignments that were printed out from the internet (easy to find from a google search) and left to do them at our own terms with the teacher just focusing on her other classes. Yet when ever I look at any other career in my life I don't feel that 'calling' or 'invigoration' or 'passion' to do it, but programming? That is something I want to do! But it looks so hard that I think I cant do it, I also feel like I am to old to program now, sure I took 2 computer science courses in high school but all I learned was a bit of java here and there (got 80% in both grade 11 and 12 classes) But I feel like that wont help me when it comes to 'real' programming such as using C# or C++. So where do I actually start doing programming? Do I go to a college and learn 'computer programmer' class(referring to this:http://www.senecac.on.ca/fulltime/CPD.html)? Or Do I learn it at my own time since I do have the luxury of doing that (for now at least)?

This situation sounds similar to mine, I live in complete isolation and haven't had any human capital for a long while and I have just turned 19, still gotta finish high school and I completely hate it even if I am taking college courses (before it was university and I thought taking college courses would be easier), yet even when I am doing all of this and feeling the despair of going through it, I still don't know what I want to do in life.

a hierarchy doesn't equal to a statist system, businesses have heiriarchies such as the manager of a store and a CEO of a company and so on. So imagine you dont want any sort of hierarchy and a business gets started up and decides to have a hierarchy where there is a person in a higher position of power and a person in a lower position of power, how are you going to enforce the no-hierarchy anarchy unless you use some sort of force to do it? I mean the only reason the state can tax and steal your money from you is because they have the guns, and the power, and the monopoly on violence to be able to do that. So how can capitalism fall into the same line as statism, or rather how can capitalism develop into statism in an anarcho-capitalist world if every one knows the consequences of statism?

Here is another podcast from stef about intellectual entrapment that I am listening to now: http://media.freedomainradio.com/feed/FDR_1039_Intellectual_Entrapment.mp3

I used to think of this too before "why should I work hard if the harder I work the more I give into these parasitic grubby hands of the state?" Then I thought that it would actually hurt me more then it would hurt them if I stop doing things I want or not do something at the best of my abilities just because of the state taking a part of my work as a way to sustain them selves. Its not like the world will suddenly change to the better if I stopped working or doing my best at life just because of the state so I just like to think that I do things for my own self (or my own benefit) and not because of any one else's desires or wishes, or what ever they want out of me.