Gaurav251

reminds me of how native american children were taken from their families and put into schools far away from their homes and never got to see their parents again until they finished school, its sickening.

I will talk about my experience first as it seems 'relative' to what I think this girl is going through. The first things that happened to me to cure me of my cynicism was that I started listening to stef and from there I started noting things that my parents called discipline but was actually abuse and I started to talk to my parents about it (my mother seems to have apologized but my highly religious father seems to think he has nothing to be sorry about), I can bet on the fact that she has some lingering feelings that she never 'sorted out', just like what happened to me. There was a time when I was so embarrassed in school because of the harassment and bullying I got from students (and due to my cynicism I kept these embarrassing, depressing, and hurtful moments to my self and never told any one anything about them) that I was just hoping they would get hurt in any way possible and when some one fell down the stairs I smiled with glee at the joy of seeing 'karma' strike back at him. I also used to hit my baby cousin when ever I went to my uncles house even when she used to cry so much that if I think about it now it was monstrous crap that I was doing to a little child, she will probably be stuck with that abuse for the rest of her life. I also remember times where I hit my mom because I thought it was fair game as she used to hit me and then I would hit her for doing something wrong and she would take it for some reason (I stopped later on as I developed a better relationship with her). But as I talked to my parents and even if my father seems to have ignored my complaints and what happened to me as a child I could talk to my mother freely about everything I wanted and every time I talked about something depressing, hurtful, or things that made me angry I would rarely flip back and talk about it again (unless it was a traumatic experience like being stripped naked by my school peers, that sticks) and my problem before being able to talk about any of this was nobody wanted to listen to my life stories or so I thought and I didn't expect strangers to care that much either. Basically I left my feelings bottled in and sooner or later they popped by me either being violent or angry at some one. But when I found some one to be my mirror aka stef, my mother, anybody who listened to my life stories and just didnt say "oh how terrible of you, you should forget that" made me slowly sort out my feelings and made me lose my violent behaviors and made me into a better person who now follows the NAP. Now back to her, so far you have told me she goes to occupy oakland and seems to fight cops, what does she attempt to achieve by doing this? It might be a need to take out bottled up feelings or maybe its something entirely else but she must have a 'rational' for liking riots and going to occupy movements so if you can figure that out you can start going from the top of the leaves to all the way to the roots of the problem. It could be as simple as she hasnt had any one to talk to about what happened in her childhood and nobody actually was a 'mirror' for her to open up to (If my guardians are the one hitting me and shouting at me as a child, its going to be damn difficult for me to find any one else to tell me what they did was right or wrong if I don't even process what they did was in any shape wrong at all). Dont take my advice seriously though as I haven't met this person nor do I know what her personality is like or how she would act if you questioned her on this stuff, but thats my experience dealing with cynical tendencies that sooner or later made me lash out at some one or something.

Well I never met a person who seems to idolize riots/protests but I wonder if you asked her why she likes riot and protests and what she expects them to accomplish? After all the NAP is to find healthy peaceful relationships with people and avoid violent ones. So I assume she expects something out of the riots that makes her happy that they happen? I do however remember my self being cynical like this and hoping one day that the world burned or there were wars happening everywhere and humanity just ended up killing it self how ever I got over that after I 'got over' from the abuse of my father. Now don't take what I am going to say seriously because this is just my opinion and I don't have as much contact to her then you do. The way I think about it is that since her father was a judgmental and disciplinarian type I assume that some sort of abuse happened to her since after all, most discipline I see from parents is just verbal or physical abuse from the parents cloaked in the name of good. So I think she never really understood what her father did to her and when ever she sees some sort of judgmental and disciplinarian system like the state and she sees riots happening she thinks its a way of striking back at the system, or in other words striking back at her father in an unconscious way, again could all be bullshit coming from my mouth but that's my opinion. But I don't know how she thinks of her father either or even acknowledges that some things he would call discipline was just abuse from his part being done onto her, if she doesn't understand that then I can see why she would act the way she does about riots and protests.

Well I guess the first best question to ask is how was her child hood?

Alright thanks!

Dont know where to put this but I guess its best suited here, Ok I understand I can get into through skype but how do I find the freedom main radio skype group/friend/chat/person/thing. Im interested in calling in but I just don't know how to do it or where to go, I do have skype working fine as I have tested it with my family and friends and I do have a working headset but I just don't know where to go to get into the call in show, I rather not do it through phone as the audio on that is horrible so any one here can help me out by pointing me which direction I should go to get into the sunday show?

After watching this video I always wondered why my dad had skin in front of his penis and I didn't, and now I seem to know why, it seems I was circumcised, I checked many times over and over to make sure I didn't because my parents (or rather my mom) told me I wasn't circumcised (didn't want to take in the fact that my mom lied to me about my penis) but it seems like I was, I seem to be missing the front foreskin that should be there while my dad isn't I am not gonna bother asking him why because he is to violent in nature and will probably bring up something about religion needing it or some other bull I don't care about, knowing that I am the unlucky 20-30% of the male population that was circumcised does not please me, however it does bring a clear answer that I was missing when ever I seemed to question on why my dads penis skin was different then mine. However I have another 'private' question regarding circumcised penises, are they supposed to hurt when you have a boner? I always had this pain ever since I was growing up that I felt pain when ever my penis felt the need to 'ejaculate' and I would never ask any one for help or tell any one about it as I thought it was a 'normal' thing to feel pain there. Maybe it has nothing to do with my circumsion but I just want to ask because I cant really trust my parents to tell me any good facts relating to this pain. It would be embarrassing to talk about such stuff to any one around me. But now I have to bring this into question and maybe even visit a doctor to see if anything is wrong 'down there'.

It does make me feel much better knowing there are people out there who do have real empathy. Plus I feel like a big weight that was stuck on my shoulders has been lifted slightly now, I know that I will never get back my 'true self' but atleast I can put back the pieces that were shattered and broken through out the years, atleast that is my goal for now.

Hi, this is just a way of me to vent out my frustrations against society and all those who did wrong to me, and maybe have people feel piety about me so I can just feel a little better I guess. This is not easy for me to discuss, and I really havent told any one my life story but I feel like I can get good feedback from people on these forums from what I have seen. As early as I can remember, I didnt really have that much of problems going on in my life, atleast not as bad as when I went to Canada I think. This was when I was living in India by the way (I was born in India but would move to Canada later on in my life). I think that the only big issues I ever had was how cruel the teachers in the indian public school system were. For example I was hit with a ruler many, many times to the point that sometimes my entire hand would become red and numb from all the pain, but of course my parents didnt really care about that because they thought that was normal and they also used to hit me when I came back from home and when I was very little too (my mom told me about how she used to hit me when I was 12 months old as a baby when ever I cried). There was also problems with my peers that would often steal my pencils, erasers, and sometimes my lunch and I would go tell my teacher about it and she would tell me to "be quiet and sit down", I told my parents about it but they would say it was my fault for being weak. I also remember a few times where I would get beat up, cry and people would ask me why I cried and who did this to me but I wouldn't say anything out of the fear that these people would just come back with even more pain to inflict on me for 'snitching' on them. I would also like to mention at this point that my mother was a stay at home mom and my father was in the navy and was often depressed with his job and used to smoke inside the house alot, he used to ocassionaly beat up my mom too and sometimes I wonder why she would just let him trample all over her, even my moms brothers would ask "why didnt you report this to the police and get divorce papers" but she would never give a clear answer. Even today she still lives with them and I can occasionally hear them having sex in the other room. In Canada both of them became high school teachers and theres really nothing much that changed after that. Anyways, things didnt really get bad until I went to Canada, my dad plucked me and my mom too Canada as a way to find a new life and get away from the navy (he couldnt leave normally so he had to prove that he was having mental disorders for staying in his position and had to be electric shocked by the orders of a psychiatrist in order to leave). It was at this time where I learned how harsh the world really is, even though my mother often didnt treat me very well she didnt abuse me to much to the point that I started hating humanity as a whole, but when I entered these Canadian public schools it was much more depressing then being in my old Indian schools. Often I was picked on and treated harshly due to me not knowing how the Canadian 'culture' and not following the hypocritical rules layed out to me. To many times I remember being excluded and hurt because often because I didnt understand how people manipulated me and used me for their own gains, people often stole many things from me and I trusted people too much and was too naive to even think these people were just pretending to be nice, often I had my lunch money stolen, water splashed on me, and spending recess by my self because the people around me never wanted to do anything with me except 'use' me at the time of their needs. I would move out of these schools only to end up in worse places. Soon I would be in a private school that would leave me completely broken. Here conditions were almost three times worse then my old public schools I was in (and ironically my parents paid for this school because they wanted to keep me 'safe' from all the bad people that I would otherwise meet in those other schools). Here I would often see people having sex in the washroom, students smoking outside school grounds, the soap dispensers spewing out human shit (literally) since some one took a shit inside them, I would find my self stripped naked inside the gym washrooms by some very psychopathic and cruel male students when ever we were changing clothes. I could never find my self be able to concentrate on my studies as I found it to boring and the teachers would often be very cruel and harsh to me by threatening to call my parents (who would often beat me up and ostracize me if they heard bad things about me from my school) if I was not being a 'good student'. I would be publicly humiliated by the principal many times in front of a class only because my bus was late to drop me to school (I lived very far away from this private school), when ever I brought up about how I was not able to control weather conditions or traffic they always told me to "leave earlier" or "stop being so lazy then". Often when ever I got bad report cards my dad would hit me and talk about how god has forsaken me (parents were very religious) and how I had "no shame" when it came to studying and being serious about school work. My mothers idea about making me improve my self was go to the temples daily and she wanted to do some 'spiritual celebration' and would often take me to India for the summer vacations (the only time I had the very little freedom I could get) to put me through useless religious crap that I could give two shits about. She would spent alot of money on this and would buy my golden necklaces and rings in order to have god "accept me as their child again". Since my dad and moms entire family was very religious it was hard for me to come out and say I was an atheist to them so I just shut my mouth and let them use me in what ever way they saw fit. I never liked going back to India, power would go out often, weather conditions were unbearable, often I was just stuck inside the apartment because I didnt know how to speak hindi and so could not communicate to most people in my family and almost nobody outside of my family. The only thing that kept me from completely breaking was me just playing video games and browsing the web everyday, I would not know what to do if I didnt have a working computer with internet in India or Canada, maybe I would have gone crazy and killed my self (which I contemplated to do many times through out my life). I would always shut my self in and seperate my self from my crazy family, the feeling of isolation didnt really bother me until I became more and more mature through out my life. After summer was over I would spend of my school years in that horrible private school, I would never really have any good friends and only my person I could talk to and not feel like I am being manipulated or used by. I found it very hard to socialize with people and I had a huge social anxiety towards talking to strangers, my grades didnt really improve in this private school either, I would barely pass all my classes and often my parents would shout and hit me when seeing how poorly I was doing, often the teachers would ostracize me and also in their own way verbally abuse me about how poorly I was doing in school, and even when I was being tossed around like a piece of meat by these people I didnt really care. At that time I was never really thinking all I really did was play video games to get my mind off the huge problems that was going on in my life, I always played video games when I came home from school and never stopped playing until I had to eat or sleep, of course this effected my grades hugely but I didnt really care. I thought that all I ever had to do in life was playing video games and I could just live happy. But then there would be a time I would be so damaged, so broken that I would my self leave that private school. It would be the day where I had to perform a skit and dress up like a girl, while only having underpants on my school skit 'partners' would push me into the class while I was wearing only a top female dress and underpants on the bottom, of course you could already expect where this went to, all the students laughed at me, even the teacher, the teacher couldnt stop laughing and said "go get changed" soon the news spread around the school and I said nothing to my parents about it, when the bus came to pick me up for school the next day I simply didnt go back, I left that school just when I was about to finish Grade 12, my parents of course being the simple people they are shouted at me and my father was about to hit me until I threatened them with my own suicide or calling child support, soon they left me alone too. I heard the news about how I failed all my courses for not attending school and didnt care, eventually my parents just decided to leave me alone about my school issue. Of course this isnt a complete run down of all the abuse and pain I suffered through out my life but its a pretty good summary of it. Soon after leaving high school I miraculously found freedommainradio from the "story of your enslavement" video from there I have been keeping track and listening to many podcasts and videos by stef, although it makes me feel better that I was never really in the 'wrong' about most of the things that happened to me I am still merely a shell of my former self, I feel as if I am broken beyond repair, even now I still play video games everday not really doing anything, but now I dont feel good about playing them 24/7. I dont really have any friends now, my parents have simply left me alone, the rest of my parents families could give two shits about me since they are living in India and have their own problems to deal with. So I am completely alone, I am 19, I celebrated my birthday by my self on June 27th (my parents stopped celebrating my birthdays now because I talked back to them) and now I am here completely alone, depressed, broken and no Idea what my goal in life is, or why am I choosing to live even now. I currently work at walmart for a living (still living with my parents though), I could finish high school by doing 2 more courses and completing them but why should I even care? I just dont see a point finishing it if I dont even have a goal to work towards. I really just feel so helpless and cold that it bothers me alot, still today I am a shut in and dont really feel like going outside to do anything other then to go to work and buy groceries for my self. I just dont feel like doing anything really, or rather I dont feel anything at all. Sorry if any of this doesnt really make sense, its just a quick rant I finished in half an hour and dont really feel like working on it anymore then I need to.

I wish I could ostracize the people around me, but these people are my parents, there are no atheists in my family except me and as much as I can ignore them they live in the next room to me so its hard enough to try and seperate my self from them when I only have a low income job not enough to get my own place.

Well I already knew that I cant really change my father that much but i wanted to make sure and double check with people who have more experience dealing with family then me and wonder if there really is anything I could really do, but if there isn't much I can do (or anything at all) thats fine too, its rather this is how my relationship has always been with him, me ignoring him, him trying to spread his faith to me whenever theres a chance for a conversation but otherwise being quiet about everything else, and so on and so forth. But I dont think I really care about making my dad rational and logical and opening up doors to philosophy. Its just when I see him remain irrational, it feels like its a infectious disease that I will be caught with sooner or later as long as I stay with him, and that scares me. @ Lowe D Unfortunately my parents wont pay for a therapist for me, as they think its a waste of time and that money can be spent on better stuff. They also bring up stuff about how the therapist will give me pills that will make me end up worse then I already am, or they will give me electric shocks if I say something wrong.

Well I havent talked to him about anything other then religion and what happened to him in the navy, I was rather dwelling into whether I should talk to him about these kinds of things, But I guess its a good idea not to talk to him about it as right now I still depend on him for income and survival and for that same reason I have not gone to a therapist since I dont make an income of my own and thus cant afford one.

Do I continue to talk about his abuse, childhood, and his problems he has now or do I leave it alone and just move on, sorry if I am not making sense I am not that much of a social person.

I dont know what truth I can really give him if he doesnt want to accept it, and I dont want to force this truth onto him either, its just so hard for me to make a right decision when it involves family members that are close to me.

This is true for me, I have never in my own personal life seen some one succeed at forcing their views upon some one else ever have the person adopt those views, atleast I havent seen it happen within a few conversations atleast.

So ask him who made God. Not that this will likely change his mind. He'll probably just say "God was always there and didn't need to be made." But it might be interesting to see. If he says that - as well as any of these other things - you could just always ask "How do you know?" Unfortunately, logical argument is unlikely to change his mind. It would be better off if you try not to take his beliefs personally and rather take a curious viewpoint as to how his beliefs work in his mind. Unfortunately I already asked this question in my old conversation with him and I got the same answer as you have just said, I would repeat this and he would give the same answer saying that "nobody can make god, god is eternal" and stuff like that, unfortuantely my dad is not a rational person from his traumas in the past (especially in the military) so I dont really expect him to change his mind any time soon.

My fathers religion is hinduism and he always tries to spread his belief to me even though I never want to accept these fairy tales in my life, how ever it always annoys me how he will ask me questions I dont know the answer of "who made humans, who killed the dinosaurs, who made the universe" and always in the end remarking "god did it!" in that typical average priest man way. Its just so hard to keep my sanity afloat with him that I just ignore him and everything he has to say now, but I wonder what people would do if their father was a person who didnt accept evolution? EDIT:I also might as well add that my father thinks war is a good thing and that humans are naturally born violent (while hypocritcaly stating religion is peaceful to me). I also seem to think hes one of those people who cant live with out the state, from a historical background I can see why, as he used to work in the Indian Navy but gave up on it because it was to stresfull for him but that was when we used to live in India. Now he works as a public school teacher in Canada and I dont really bother asking him any questions about what he does at work considering I already know first hand experience of these public schools.

I had something similar today too, I would argue with my dad about how the government is immoral and how it can be changed and then he said back to me that "nothing is wrong with this system and it works perfectly fine", literally. After that the conversation just went in circles with him adding a snippet of "people cant change" and "why should you care?" to the later part where he told me to get "a better job and stop talking about these things." Needless to say I had no reason to talk to him again about these things as he had already been imprinted with most of the things he learned in his childhood and would not break from it. Interestingly the long conversation I had with him gave me quite a big of a headache. I think stefan talked about how this show is not about changing the old people who are used to the system but the children of the future that can be the change or something. But what do I know I am still struggling with who I am.

Hello, I must ask, can I use this site anywhere for any job? Show them my badges and it will be identified as my 'skills' and 'traits'? I really love things like this!

Just to let you know, I am not ignoring your advices just because I started with the first person who responded to me, all these things will be very helpful to me in the coming months and I appreciate any experience, feedback from people who have been out of school and went through the same phase as me, Guess what I am really saying is thanks!

Thanks, I will start working on those things right now, it seems to be a very hard struggle for me to get affection or attention from any of my family to even ask them what I should do at this point. Luckily theres people who I never met in real life out there that are willing to help me

Seems like my public school hell on earth life didnt give me much good, I seem to be suffering from psychological issues now due to the indoctrination and the teaching of nothingness I underwent in there, 2 more courses and after that I am free to do what I want because then I have a piece of paper telling me I survived indoctrination, But I have decided that college is not my thing, I dont want to go through another 4 years of life like this again, its to painful and thinking about it drives me to the brink of suicide, however I dont know what to do now, should I go get a low minimum wage job to get some work experience? Or maybe take an apprencticeship for something? Or start learning programming on my own time? I dont know exactly what I to do. Is there like some one else here in my shoes or a book on trying to find a way out of my narrow path of public education?