meeri

That's a fair point and I agree, I don't think you should if it's irrelevant to the argument. I get annoyed by the mostly female-centred conversations in society too and definitely think there needs to be more intense focus on male-centred conversations to balance things out. But I'm not sure how we can really look at the two in isolation because a large part of men's inner lives is related women and vice versa.

Absolutely, that's how most people live their lives

This is a cool clip from Northern Exposure where Joel speaks to the ex-girlfriend and younger self parts of his. I don't think it's a how to though

Kevin, thank you for sharing and I totally get this feeling. I feel this issue of indifference and isolation is pretty fundamental. I wanted to share my thoughts on the video. I had very strong feelings listening to it. I initially felt a lot of defences- anxiety, confusion, fogging..and actually had to listen for a second time. I think it was partly because I'm currently working through my own isolation and terrible lack of interest from my family, interest that I only got when irritating them. And partly because it made me feel the male disposability in my family and my own capacity to contribute to it. It is certainly true that girls showing emotion is more tolerated. But I feel that toleration comes from the belief that girls are innately more emotional, rather than from genuine interest in their inner lives. I may of course, be an exception but I never got any curiosity from my family about my loves, hates, motivations and feelings. So I don't think girls' inner lives get a lot more interest than boys'. Having said that, girls grow up knowing that they will be allowed to have an inner life when they're older. In my family, the only person who's feelings and needs really mattered was my mother. So perhaps girls grow up believing that when they're mothers, their partner and children are there to provide for her needs, to give her love and resources. A female, even if ignored and isolated as a child, can reverse that role as an adult, giving her a sense of hope. At the same time boys grow up believing they will never be able to do that, they will always be the provider without getting any care back, and I feel there is terrible hopelessness and loneliness in that.

Haha..or perhaps unicorn doodies:)

What concerns you about that? This place is about truth and what really happened, not about tiptoeing around a particular groups feelings. Sadly, mothers often do bare the most responsibility. They are still the primary caregivers for most children and have by far the most influence on them. Particularly single mothers. And a parent is always responsible for the relationship with the child because of his/her position of authority. I think it's right to be critical and vocal about parenting that may be damaging to a child. But nobody expects parents to be perfect. Stef has said that often parents just don't have the right methods. This conversation is new to everyone and we're all learning. If it is true that some responses lacked empathy, it wouldn't have anything to do with the call in show but rather, the commentators own personal history. I understand that the new information can be overwhelming. I don't have children myself but a lot of the time I felt like I wasn't getting any of the self knowledge stuff right. But then I realised it was actually my own inner critic talking. If you focus on self knowledge and the feelings and experience of your son, I'm sure you will get a lot of positive feedback from this community.

Rayne, kudos for working towards making the family situation better for yourself and your son. I think you have every right to voice your unhappiness about your husband's travel schedule. Whether or not your parents-in-law 'had it worse' is irrelevant. I'm terribly sorry about your mother leaving when you were 10. This must have been very difficult for you. I'm curious why you think Stef's call in show is negative towards mothers? In my experience, the shows and this board is incredibly respectful of and supportive towards mothers who genuinely care about and take pleasure in their children, and use peaceful parenting.

I don't think I labelled everyone, I would appreciate if you help me understand how I've done that. Is it because I used the word 'sadistic'? It was certainly the first thought that came into my mind because when I was a kid my father took pleasure in frightening me. For example, when we were on a bridge or viewing platform, he would grab me and say he'll lift me over the edge, and laugh when I screamed and ran away. But I am aware there can be other reasons for laughing at this video.

I agree with the previous comments that they probably felt fear because they didn't know what was going on. Although, they are more likely than not superstitious as well. Like Wesley, I would have been afraid, probably as soon as the woman started yelling. Of course, there's a chance they were all actors, including the targets.. I'm curious why people would find the video funny?

This video feels sadistic to me..these people seem to experience genuine fear

I have never felt that being asked out is anything negative. It has certainly never ruined my day. Quite the opposite, it's the kind of pleasant thing that I'll always remember. The couple of times I declined, the guys were very friendly and respectful of it (and a little humour always helps too), and overall they were positive experiences.

This research summary refers to several studies that may give you the information you need link:http://www.marriagedebate.com/pdf/imapp.crimefamstructure.pdf Excerpt: 'Teens and adults raised in single-parent families are at increased risk of committing crimes. Teens in communities with many single parents appear to be at increased risk for crime or delinquency, regardless of their own family structure. Communities with higher rates of single-parent families face higher rates of crime.'

This is a great video, thanks for posting. I get a lot of empathy for the inner child and by extension the children out there. The video resonates sadness and compassion for the children but also optimism by showing that the nightmare doesn't last forever.

Thank you for sharing this dream and your interpretation. I am increasingly valuing dreams for self knowledge work and they always give me some surprising insight into my psyche. The symbolism particularly is fascinating. I like the picture, it's a great idea drawing the dreams, something I might explore myself.. I like your interpretation. Here are my thoughts of it, let me know if this makes sense at all. I think the dream is about your self integrating, coming together (masculine and feminine). You've done a lot of research into your history and psyche (the guy at the computer) but there is a part of you that you haven't really explored yet (the library). So the woman being released and returned to the library means it can get more attention in the future. With her being back you can really finish your self knowledge work and have the happiness you seek for. I get a very positive feeling reading this dream, a real sense of the optimism.

Thank you Wesley, I think you're absolutely right.. Thank you for sharing your experience, I really appreciate it. I certainly feel this decision was just a beginning. I am far from having closure with my family. But I feel I am a huge step closer. I'm able to see my parents' behaviour a lot more clearly, something I was avoiding before. Like I still needed 'permission' from them to ask questions about my childhood. I agree with you about professional therapy. I have spoken to a couple of therapists and planning to start regular sessions in the next couple of weeks. Sounds like you've come through this process successfully on the other side, xelent. I look forward to joining you there in a couple of years:)

This is similar to my experience. I was required to do nonsense work around the house based on mums whims. I was told it was a necessary part of raising a child, otherwise I would have just grown up lazy and unable to do anything! A few years ago I lived with my parents for a couple of months while looking for a job. I was assigned a list of work to do and a timeline and when I questioned the need for it, I was blamed for treating the house 'like a hotel' and not being 'normal'. I wanted to ask which hotel requires clients to work for them but didn't dare to. I didn't stay for much longer after this. Intellectually I know my parents weren't good people and I know there's no other way but to defoo, but emotionally it is very difficult and I don't quite understand why. Nothing's really changed in my life as a result. I actually feel I've gained a lot, my self worth and freedom. But I feel I'm grieving and I'm not sure what. The loss of the people who hurt me?

I'm so sorry Wesley, what a terrible situation to live in. I hope you will be able to accomplish your steps soon. The dependancy thing is very interesting. So he made you intentionally dependent so that he can keep getting what he wants from you? Do you have any siblings? How does your girlfriend respond to all this?

I wanted to give you an update on what happened. Surprisingly, mum replied and was quite open to answering some questions, such as why she chose dad, and talking about her own painful childhood experiences. But as soon as I brought up anything to do with my own feelings and childhood I got the textbook 'I can't remember' and 'we did the best we could' and 'i never intended to hurt you', general disbelief and trivialising of the things I brought up. Of course, she threw in more manipulation, such as 'if it makes you feel better to blame me then go ahead and do it'. So, as a result I felt it was important for me to defoo. I have now told both my parents that I don't want them to contact me. Mum said she supported my decision, no doubt because she thinks it's just a phase. Dad didn't even respond. I know many of you have gone through this before and know what a difficult thing it is. I still have a lot of questions and things to work through but this has definitely opened my eyes to the neglect and abuse i experienced, something i couldn't see clearly before. I'd love to hear from people who have defooed, if that's something you'd like to share please let me know

I am so sorry your mother is lying to you this way. It is a complete insult and further tries to put the responsibility for the relationship on your shoulders only. Not dealing with the reality of what happened means the same wounds get opened over and over again. I am really touched by the empathy and support in this community. I am sorry that so many of you have had to grow up with this kind of cruel manipulative mothers. I am yet to receive a reply for my yesterday's email. I have a feeling she is trying to take the 'let's pretend this never happened' route. I will keep you updated on what happens next.

This makes a lot of sense to me. Uncomfortable things have always been kind of just brushed under that carpet, ignored, not spoken of, so it makes sense that what she expects is for me to just forget and pretend nothing happened. I do think it's a pivotal moment for you both perhaps (hence some of the fear maybe). But best wishes with that conversation and I hope you get some useful insight. I think so too, I feel I am finally ready to push this further and no longer pretend everything is okay so I will try to RTR with her. Although I have a sense of where this might be going. Thanks a lot for your input xelent:) Very interesting question. Brought back some memories. I would have been punished in some way for sure..

Hi Wesley this is great, thank you. I definitely got the whole 'get back into your box theme' 1. I agree, she's definitely telling me that 'You're wrong and you're the cause of our problems'. It's no coincidence that this is the first point she made 2. Indeed. And 'just let everything be and don't bring up anything that may cause problems' 3. Spot on, only I'm to blame 4. Yes, that's a very good way of looking at it. I also feel she's trying get rid of her own negative and self-critical thoughts because she can't handle them 5. I feel this is just trying to get me to focus on 'believe in the universe' and nonsense like that rather than what actually matters 6. Yes, and 'only you are to blame for what happened' 7. Same 8. Very good point. In the past when I didn't conform, she told me to be 'normal' which clearly doesn't indicate any interest in my true self 9. Very well put, I didn't get this at first 10. I agree 11. Another way of discrediting my feelings 12. This one was a bit muddled, I felt it was similar to 'you have only yourself to blame'. I don't think she really has any interest in facing why I don't want to talk to her. 13. Spot on 14. Absolutely 15. This one was confusing as it does mention 'parents' as source of demands- like shooting herself in the foot. This is very interesting, she knows I am interested in therapy and may feel threatened by it. I think she's also saying 'I'm only going to listen to myself anyway so you might as well stop trying' This was very helpful Wesley, thank you:) Thank you xelent. i definitely felt like she's desperately trying to get me to conform. The change one was tricky for me, I really didn't get this at first. So it's really another way of telling me I shouldn't be stuck in the past? I actually managed to do a mini-IFS session on myself after this and feel I'm starting to understand it better. The fear goes back to when I was yelled at as a child, perhaps even spanked, when I was less than 2 years old. I feel like I had just started crawling but these may not be real memories. And the angry part is protecting that child. I can maybe miss two or three of her calls but then she gets really nervous and either starts calling more or..does this

Hi everyone I would really like some feedback on this. This morning, after missing mums calls yesterday, I got an email from her that included 'helpful tips for a better life', an article that she had extracted from some magazine or website. I sent back a response asking why she felt it was necessary to send me this (we never speak about my feelings, needs or preferences). She said she thought these 'tips' were good and useful. So I sent back a response asking her to give me a bit more detail on why she believes these things. I also gave my view on all these points (in blue). She has not replied yet. This article is not very well written, there are a lot of inconsistencies and some of the context may have gone missing in translation. Looking back now, I could have also thought my own answers through better. I felt quite anxious, fearful and angry reading and responding to this article. I feel this is an opportunity to try to start a conversation with her and for me to get confirmation on her true intentions and feelings towards me and get rid of the doubt I've had so far. I would appreciate your thoughts. 15 opportunities to feel yourself better.pdf

This is quite disturbing, the boy is terrified of the idea of marrying this girl...it seems like there's something scary going on in his parents marriage

I'm in west london and definitely up for a meetup

I'm sure those in the US are more familiar with the Hutterite communities but living in the UK, this program was truly fascinating to me. It gives a great insight into how an organised religion and a communist state are founded on very similar ideas of central control and higher power and believing that the group is more important than the individual. In the community, everyone needs to obey 'The Minister', women tend to have 6-7 children, are subjects of men, everything is shared and adults get an allowance of $4 per month! It's interesting they say that staying in the community is 'voluntary'. They hardly leave young people a choice by completely destroying their mental faculties. There are exceptons though and some want to leave. There's a 15yo boy who dreams of becoming an architect and owning an ipad but must instead work 7 days a week doing a mindnumbing job in a chicken farm.. http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b01ngxq7/How_to_Get_to_Heaven_with_the_Hutterites/