Baakpon

I am happy but first I had to become the kind of person that is content being happy or sad or angry or dead. To be at peace with yourself is to be at peace with anger, hate, love, lust, kindness, and many more. Happiness is a feeling created by the body. Contentedness is a reality created by your self. It is a very important distinction. As happiness is biological and contentedness is a complex pathway of electricity flowing through logic gates in your brain. ~Baakpon

@upthedownescalator Hey, o/ It sounds very similar. My faculties were so compramised for so long I did not even realize I had depersonalization. I hated everyone around me for being ok with everything when I had to have problems with everything. I did not realize how unhealthy I was until much later. What It did do for me was force me to investigate reality with a fine tooth comb. I become obsessed with it and to this day I feel I understand reality better than anyone I have ever met. It was not until I finally took over the controls of my flesh vehicle completely that I understood how lost I had been. Once I controlled not only my body and mind but also my emotions I could understand that my emotional state had been forced into a kind of selfhood survival mode. Finally I am out of it. I am myself without the EPIC worries. SO this sounds very similar to my experience. The best technique's I ever learned were the abatement of desire, meditation, understanding the basic framework of reality( a bit of a giant task in itself), sex with friends only( it is important to feel love and physical connection. This allows you to practice self-contaiment which is what it sounds like your childhood environment did not allow you). Patience is your best friend. Waiting is. Learn to be content with nothing but self and you will win the feild. Everyone is very different though, and it is possible that what helped me may not help you much but if you understand self you realize it really cannot hurt. You are you. I am me. We are self-contained pilots of flesh vehicle's hurtling through space and time. Voyage on my fellow pilot. ~Baakpon

@Mrkuz This indeed sounds a lot like what I expereinced. My personal childhood was systimatically controlled. They did everything 6they could to condition me.Sometimes I think it almost turned me into a physcopath. My best suggestion is for you to think about that wall. Examine it and why you constructed it. It is a part of you and running from it will not help. Perhaps it my be a good idea to become comfortable in your mind. Accept the wall... because it is there wether you like it or not. I still have my own wall up and I am not bothered by it in the least anymore. It is my companion and it does what I tell it to. My expereince was very horrible because I was raised catholic in a very strict latin mas family. My mind was invaded by my parents as they attempted to force me into comformity with religion. They also considered physical violence to be the best tool for child-rearing. When I turned 24 I told them that if they ever spanked/used violence on any of my siblings again I would never talk to them again. They stopped spanking. It sucked but I forced them to understand what my point of veiw was as a kid. I showed them how afraid I was and they wept in regret. They stopped using violence on their childrean( 11 of us) and that made me very happy. You sound as if you are still in the home or have recently left if you will forgive me asking?

I also feel that constant nag in my self. Everywhere I turn people are pointing guns at me that other people cannot see because they have become normalized and conditioned to it. The best thing we can do it create 2 worlds. Private and public. Only allow free interaction in your private life and do not give of yourself in your public life. Also an important concept I found in "Anthem" has helped me a lot. Which is, You must never be one of the whole. You must always meet people across the threshold of self, they cannot be in your mind and you cannot be in theirs. I found freedom in the reality that no matter what happens no one can have my thoughts. Like Boethius said." No one can command my mind."(paraphrase) Thanks for your reply. ~Baakpon

I wanted to offer a way for people who may be interested or personally afflicted with this kind of thinking. It is very scary. I will explain it in stream of consciousness. It is associated with extreme paranoia. (Omg.. what if I wake up in the morning and I am gone and another has taken my place? Omg. am I going insane. what was that. a parasite in my brain! I can feel it. No it's just a headache...... Should I tell her everything:?) Etc ad naseum. Basically everything becomes EPIC. All situations MUST be resolved immediatly. All things are problems unless they are comfortable immediatly and must be corrected. I had to be my own therapist... which was difficult. If I had a therapist I may have been able to recover much quicker. Anyway, Ask me anything you want. I will answer. Self-knowledge saved me. I would not stop trying to figure out reality. I kept at it like water eroding rock. I finally understood it and absorbed it. I was afraid of not being able to connect( to everything adn anything) and once I realized that I absorbed it instead of running away from it. I ate my fear and it became a part of me, controlled by me, instead of an affliction.

It is great to be here amongst you all. Thank-you to everyone for their time and knowledge. I hope to share as much as I can with all of you. I will keep it short and sweet. Long live EGO. ~Baakpon