Hello this is part of my step in Daniel Mackler's 5th Step in his self therapy bookStep 5We admit to ourselves and to a mature person the full details of our traumas.This is not very detailed by only a summary.I have been listening to FDR for 2.5 years. I am way behind in a number of ways, it took me too long to figure some things out, primarily about self-therapy and self-knowledge. I am 26 years old and I am still like an awkward loner teenager socially.I had a fairly normal childhood, which is to say I was severely neglected by 10 year old children in adult bodies.It is my responsibility to be my own parent and heal myself from the traumas my parents caused.My parents divorced when I was 7 because my dad had a 7 year history of adultery. I lived with my mom and saw my dad every other weekend.In short my mom was often delusionally fearful and stressed out and negligent, but rarely aggressive.My dad was beaten, bloodied, drugged, laughed at and raped as a child and he inflicted traumas on me through his emotional and verbal aggression and neglect/abandonment. I was never sexually or physically abused in a substantial way.Okay I had a little RTR with my dad and it went like this.I told my dad he abused me and he was deftly evasive and blamed me for all my problems. I said I felt irritated, liberated, uncaring, and also that I didn't know how I felt. He talked in a harsh and raised voice and had complete contrary views to everything I said.I blamed my dad and mom for the cause of my personal problems (loneliness, depression) and he said my problems were from my failure to be responsible. My dad said these very words, this is the short version "I have NEVER heard someone so UNGRATEFUL, YOU were a problem when you were born, and if you want abuse, FUCK YOU!!!, and you can KISS MY ASS!!!" He then hung up on me and called back later that day, said he felt terrible for what he said, and that I can call him anytime to talk, but I am confidant he will resort to scorn and humiliation if I am truly honest with him. I don't think his basic thinking will change. I still think my dad would reveal me to be the most uncaring, selfish, ungrateful, egomaniacal, narcissistic person he's ever met, all projection of course. He would say that I'm like his brother who was gang raped many times as a child. He is very nice and easy going 99% of the time because I have always said and did things acceptable to him. He was my like my best friend from 19-23 years of age.What I'm DoingWhat I really need and want to do is not engage my parents but work on self-therapy, with journaling, dream analysis, talking with friends/allies and get a therapist if I need to. I know a therapist is incredibly valuable but I am not sure if it is worth it for me right now. I have no job right now. Using Daniel Mackler's resources, various other resources, and using his Self Therapy in Twelve Steps I will work on myself.FriendsWhat I must do is to find friends and strong allies to share my life with and also to share my traumas with, and I can listen to others traumas in return. I am not very able to go out into the world and find people that I care about and that care about me, it would take too difficult. So what I just go outside to random places and ask philosophic questions about anarchy, self-therapy, and self-knowledge and see who is curious? That seems too hard and awkward. It seems much more rational to just stick with the FDR community.I am not very conversational in general and not about any topic so I am unable to socially engage the world in any part of it. Not in any art, science, any interest, or any line of work. I can only talk largely on opinionated, shallow understandings of things.I have met several FDR members in my age group and they all were much more intelligent than me, artistically, intellectually and verbally. The members were very nice and supportive but it was still very hard to connect. My fear is that many FDR members are so much more intelligent than me and so they would not find me interesting or fun to be around because I hardly say anything. Finding real friends in the real world outside of FDR looks too difficult and I am worried I won't find any friends here at FDR.But yes maybe I should just go out to cafes and such and meet people and try to make friends and develop my social skills from their horrible state.Ideas on self-therapy and friendshipFrom Self Therapy in Twelve Steps by Daniel Mackler and Freder TimmDeveloping FriendshipsWe seek friendship with other evolving people who are committed to their own emotional healing. We take the risk of reaching out and making true connections. We strive for friendship based on equality, autonomy, and healthy boundaries--and we see avoid dependency and enmeshment, which are only replications of our flawed childhood patterns. We recognize how hard it is to go it alone, and we have found friendship to be a great benefit and a means to persevere on this perilous journey to the trueself.Stick With The WinnersWe all need allies on this healing journey, and when we optimize the quality of our allies we optimize the quality of our growth. Good healthy friends and compatriots remind us of the best in ourselves, and when we stumble and fall, which is inevitable on a journey as painful and difficult as ours, we discover that our allies are there to catch us, support us, mirror the best in us, and love us all the more.My Best Friend From High SchoolLast spring for one month I lived with my very best friend from our hometown. He had two kids with some woman he found on the internet who he never liked. Things my friend said to his wild and wonderful 3 year old kid were "Eat your fucking food" and "Use your fucking ears when I talk to you." He asked his kid many times if he wanted a spanking. He really tormented his kids, it was diabolical. Of course this level of child abuse is fairly common, unfortunately. He told me he thinks of suicide every day. I told him that he was traumatizing his kids so he told me to leave then I left. It is insane and ridiculous what he was doing, he could be a great dad and great person if he chose to. He is going to college to be a public school teacher so he can show compassion to children and inspire them. Yeah he said that.My Big Problem TodayI have worked on my own business this year with support from someone successful in my niche and also a couple tips from Jeff Berwick. I am too lonely and depressed to work on my business, I've done nothing the past couple months and the products I bought will become out of date within a few months. No worries, I figure something out.
