travioli

This reminds me of Alice Miller's book "The Body Never Lies". My brother's girlfriend (nursing major) didn't really buy this whole argument about medical problems being caused by early childhood trauma, especially from reading Miller's book. Maybe I could show her this!Thanks for sharing.

Okay, here is the update: We went on a chilly walk last night for about 20 minutes, and ended the relationship. She finally got done with her schoolwork, and yet again was the initiator of going outside. In hindsight, I could tell she was going to break it off with me, from the way she was and had been acting all of yesterday. She basically said she was ending the relationship because she didn't become romantically inclined to me--i.e. I'm just more of a friend for her. I probed a little bit, and this translated to "I really like your character, your knowledge about prerequisites for healthy relationships, your intellect, etc. but I just am not sexually attracted to you." This adds up to the odd way she talked about how she was afraid to begin the physical affection with me--she just made up some pretty petty lies about being "scared of rape", in this context. I then asked her what was unattractive about me, to which she replied that she didn't really know. Then I asked her if she ever had been attracted sexually to a guy, and she said she had been once. I asked her why, and she basically said she didn't really know, it just "clicked". So basically, her intellectual appraisal of me is good, but her sex libido just doesn't follow--something I found unattractive, because that's a sign of not being integrated, and lacking in self-knowledge. This reminded me of "FDR481 Call in Show: Love", and how Stef said he was suspicious of girls who used the whole "I'm not sexually attracted to him" copout in relationships, and how that meant that they weren't attracted to guys with better character, but rather more asshole-ish guys. I told her about me posting on the board, and how I basically self-erased in the relationship. It was all about me "waiting", i.e. heeding to her needs, and not trying to negotiate with her on most all of her needs such as her time available to spend with me, her willingness for physical attraction, her initiation of more serious topics, etc. In this way, I gave her pretty much all the "power" in the relationship, which is one reason I think I didn't come off as attractive to her, (because generally I think I am pretty attractive). Not asserting my needs and attempting to negotiate was probably not too hot for her, even though I felt like I had no choice and I was giving her what she said she wanted. She exclaimed that she really respected me giving her the space she wanted, and giving her time to do studies, etc. This related with "FDR836 Sex, Love, and Money", in how I was basically giving her needs more importance than mine, and acting like I had to be a "Me +" in regards to her needs to basically wait around till she was ready to do anything, from spending time together to being affectionate. Something interesting that happened a couple of times while we were dating, (2 short weeks), was she also talked about how she thought I was "More intellectually and academically mature than she was", and she was really devaluing herself. She brought that up again last night, and basically we talked and came to the conclusion she just didn't really feel worthy of me liking her and just "couldn't really believe it". I bet that didn't help the fact that she wasn't attracted to me, because she didn't even feel like she was worth me in that way, I suppose. Maybe I was lying to myself and not having my standards high enough for her, and maybe she has some self-worth issues; a bit of both, for sure, but I wonder what the balance is. Typing this, I question her honesty in our relationship. I know the reasons she gave for not being physically attracted to me are bogus now, and she finally told the truth, but I wonder if the "I need my space, and I'm always busy", (the busy part I can more understand), but I wonder if that is also a copout for not really feeling attracted to me, and basically not being honest with me, (which we talked about the voluminous importance of doing so, even if it made the other person upset), because it would "inconvenience" my feelings. I took that as a sign that she wasn't really ready for a good romantic relationship. So in a sense, she didn't walk the walk, even though she talked the talk. Actions actions actions haha. I also told her that I was considering cutting it off because I couldn't tell myself that I was valuable and had a lot to offer in a relationship, while being in a relationship where the other person didn't value me like I think I should be valued. That'd be a conflict with my professed values and my actions, and not living with integrity. She kinda understood that. So I didn't come out of it too upset. I told her that she should be conscious of everything that was happening, and hopefully that I gave her a good template of the foundations of a healthy relationship; learning about each other's childhoods, past relationships, virtues, communication, the nature of our emotions, etc. I just wanted to learn as much as I could from this interaction, because I think I have a lot of introspection to do about this whole self-erasure thing. I know this is a lot, but you guys are used to Stefan's podcasts d:

That's helpful, Ivan. This is a good description of the pickle I'm in, haha. She's just not comfortable enough with it yet, which I have to heed to. I am going to ask her more on her uncomfortability with it, though. That's a good thing to point out. My courage isn't perfect for sure, but I'll be sure to post an update soon, when I do bring this all up. Whenever she makes time. Or I inspire her to make time. ANYWAY haha. Especially helpful was the last bit, the part on looking for action, to see if she isn't just saying "yes" in the moment. She always says she wants to have the courage to stand up to her not so nice friends, but hasn't yet, so that's a good example that comes to mind.

We actually talked about that...how affection wasn't too big in her asian household. Especially in her parents, she didn't see them being affectionate a lot. They are first generation immigrants, and actually have gone through some dips in their marriage..I guess I failed to mention that. "Foreign to her" sounds like the right word, and we have established that as a possible reason in conversations together.

To dsayers: That sounds very correct; a compromise I've made in order for access to a girl that is likable, but putting her in the position of power in the relationship. Man...That all describes what I've kind of felt. You are right to say that it is abnormal and substantial. I was really shocked when she said she associated physical affection with the threat of rape. I was perplexed, and she said it was just that it made her so scared, but I didn't probe further. I didn't want to "distrust" her explanation of (roughly) why she was associating rape with physical affection.. but I'm not convinced that I got what is really the problem. Since she's new to this whole self-knowledge thing, I can understand the normalization. That's going to be one of the primary things on the list of what I need to talk to her about. To TheMatrixHasMe: I think I've had about one healthy relationship; it has since ended, but it was two years with a girl named Makenzie. Best friends, not too romantic, even though at times we would go through flings. The truth is...I don't have a lot of personal experience in great relationships (thanks parents), but I think I have a a lot of knowledge about dysfunction in relationships, as extrapolating from about 3 past, long-term relationships that I've had, coupled with the knowledge I've gained from this show, and reading a couple of books about self-knowledge (i.e. Alice Miller). I did ask her to hold me hand, to which she did, which is what provoked the conversation we had about physical affection in relationships. To BlackHeron: I need that reinforcement. Thank you--I need to live those principles to maintain/get into a healthy relationship. To Ola Nevander: That's really revealing what you point out...I didn't know that I self-erased so much. Jesus. That makes me feel really worried--but I'm glad now that it has been addressed. I also feel like a relief, finally have identifying a problem like that. I should bring that up with her...damn. I should just bring this whole thread up with her haha. I definitely always felt in the passive seat with her..because I knew I liked her more than she liked me. I liked her at the beginning because...well first let me say that I don't claim that these will all be the healthiest reasons to like her. I thought she was really curious about me, which is something I'm not used to; I felt really visible to her. She recognized my bits of courage in certain situations, like when I dropped all my statist friends my senior year of high school, or when I've told my high school band director off when I didn't want to be in the program anymore, etc. She reacted well (empathetically) when I would tell her about child abuse, and my own experiences with it. I like that she is so convicted to Architecture, and she knows why she likes it; I guess her artistic side is really pleasing to me. She's pretty ingenious in this design class together, and she's a really hard worker. We talk about how hard an Architecture career is, and she acknowledges that but says it's all worth it, because of how much she loves it. I really like that dedication to productiveness and purpose. She's also not afraid to legitimately judge others and speak the truth, which gets a really bad rap here (as I'm sure other places too). She get's called "judgy" in a negative way, but I think her appraisals are honest. She has a conviction to being (mostly) open and honest in our relationship, not afraid to tell me how she feels most of the time. I usually have to initiate the metacommunication, but she is still receptive. I suppose there isn't an overarching theme, or some huge thing that sticks out, but I like a lot of the qualities I've listed. I recognize some are for her qualities, and some are for what she does for me, but those were (and largely still are) my reasons to why I like her. Hope I answered all you're questions haha. This is pretty important to me; the implications of my behavior in this relationship.

Fair enough. I didn't realize that I grouped an example of barely holding hands in the same thought as me not feeling she knows how a relationship works...I didn't mean to, but maybe that's revealing. I haven't fully admitted this to myself, (and I should) but we have indeed talked about it. The reason she tells me that is scared of physical affection is that she is terrified of rape, even though we established I'd be the last person to rape her and that that's totally non-sequitor to the relationship. She acknowledged that, and apologized for having such an "irrational view" as she called it, but she said it would take time for her. This rang the alarm bells for sexual abuse, but she said she was never molested, convincingly. I told her that even though I'll wait for her, and that I acknowledge that it is healthy to wait (because of her feelings and the necessity of an "us" being considered), it was not going to ideal for me, having to wait for her to be ready. But also, she doesn't really give me the time of day. Our interactions today were especially bland, compared to how deep the conversational topics usually are. She seemed very cold to me, lately. Maybe I am resentfully blaming her for that... I don't know. That's a really good point--I'll bring that up with her. I guess I should find more about her view of relationships in general. Maybe that's what I mean when I say she doesn't really know how relationships work, i.e. she doesn't recognize the importance of them? But that's a guess, and that also could be my fault for not proving to her that they can be important, by lieu of my example. I suppose my main concern was that I didn't know if it would be harmful to my self-worth to be with someone who doesn't value me as much as I think they should, or as much as I value myself...even though its more logistical than anything else. That sounded revealing when I typed it... "as much as I think they should", as if that were a legitimate criteria for proving that I'm being treated unjustly. Thanks for the perspective

Hey everyone. First, I'll give some context. This girl, Athena, I have met through my scholarship group at the University of Utah. She's an Architecture major, and we are also taking an Architectural design class together. I had a crush on her for about 3 weeks, before she basically told me that she could tell and that she would give me a chance. We went on a date, and then she came to the conclusion that she wanted to be together, as I agreed. More on her; she doesn't listen to FDR or isn't too intellectual, but I feel comfortable talking about the topics of philosophy and this show, as well as Ayn Rand etc. and she receives them well. She doesn't reciprocate as much as I'd like, but she is receptive and reactive in a positive way. I like her because she *seems* to have had a fairly positive childhood, and thus is able to nurture a partner well, as I thought. She reacts with disgust toward the topic of child abuse, and when I told her stories about my childhood she demonstrated healthy empathy. She's pretty curious about things, and she wants to understand me. There is one catch though--she's never had a boyfriend, or even kissed a guy. She's 19, and I'm 18. We also talk about a lot in the relationship; our feelings, our worries, concerns, etc. Like for example, we talked about how it was going to be different, because she's never had a boyfriend, and I've never had a girlfriend who hasn't had a boyfriend (no experience). We talked about how we need our own space, and that first we are individuals, and that we don't want to be hanging out with one another if it isn't beneficial to us/makes us happy. But what I don't like, is that it's been like 2 weeks and we've barely held hands--It's very odd for me, to be with a girl who doesn't really know how relationships work, I guess is how I would put it. She doesn't know how to really initiate physical affection, even if she wants it. Also, she's very busy as an Architecture major, and doesn't have a lot of time--something we've talked about, and I acknowledge she has little control over. So, the dilemma is that I don't know if it's good for me to let myself be in a romantic relationship but logistically not be a high priority (due to time commitments). I.e. I think it's hard for me to say "I am good, important, and have valuable things to offer in a romantic relationship." While being with someone who only the capacity to date as more of a casual, rather than close interaction. Hopefully that made some sense, and I'd like some input, questions, etc. I'm pretty ambivalent at the moment, even thought I like her and think I would like to continue the relationship; I plan to talk to her about this, but I wanted to know what all the smarties on the FDR board thought, haha.

About 6 months ago, I remember at the beginning of a podcast that Stefan was talking about the Great Gatsby, giving a small sort of review. I'm pretty sure it was a call in show, but I was wondering if anyone could point me in the direction of what specific podcast it is since I cannot recall. Thanks!

http://mwharkertherapist.blogspot.com/2014/02/parenting-why-do-kids-turn-out-way-they.html An interesting and perhaps alarming article I saw on my Facebook feed today. I'd like to comment on some things and I wonder what other have to contribute in regards to the insight of this article. "A few years later, while I was working at Decker Lake Youth Center (a maximum security prison for teenagers) in Salt Lake City, Utah, I met a 15 year old Caucasian boy. I went on to learn that he was raised in a good neighborhood with good parents who had plenty of money. After interviewing him, I learned that his only goal in life was to learn how to blow people up like the infamous, Mark Hoffman. No logical explanation." Firstly, there is no content about what makes his parents "good parents". Even if they are financially stable, I feel like this isn't proof that "some kids just turn out bad despite circumstances, and some turn out good in the same fashion". It seems like a premature assessment to just say "No logical explanation" after such little explanation. I feel like this type of thing is done to try to alleviate those who are responsible for abuses against children...and to muddy the waters of the tangible and long-lasting effects of childhood trauma. My dad has done it many times, in a sort of *no one will ever know what effect it has because of all these hearsay cases* fashion. (I'm aware that mentioning my dad is hearsay as well, but it's more anecdotal that I think it's worth bringing up). I have met many parents who function as if the way the child is turning out is their own fault, leaving very little if any responsibility in the hands of the youth. Ironically, our doctrine teaches us that age 8 is the age of accountability. Perhaps that is when we should start teaching them principles like the following: You are responsible for: -your lack of gratitude. -your work ethic. -desire to do well in school, with friends, in sports. -your own testimony and relationship with God. -to make sure you do not feel bored, or any other negative emotion. [Emphasis mine] Why age 8? No explanation, other than "doctrine", which is worse than saying "I don't know". The last two are alarming for me--bullying kids into religious beliefs as well as disowning a very real part of their internal, emotional lives; their negative emotions. Like Stefan has said in numerous podcasts, negative emotions can be like antibodies for past behaviors; signals to tell us what isn't good for us. It appears that 50% of what causes a youth to turn out the way he or she does as an adult is based on the quality of his or her spirit before he or she is born. 25% is based on the environment the youth grows up in. Whether it is ancient Egypt, Jerusalem in the middle of time, modern Afghanistan, or modern Utah. This 25% includes genetic and biological issues as well. And the final 25% is split in half by the primary mother figure and the primary father figure. In other words, you have about 12.5% influence on the way your youth turns out. Appears? How is that a substitute for evidence? Maybe she just took it as a given that she was only speaking of her experiences, but even then it would've been nice to hear some more about how she got to these statistics. And an overarching comment, I kept in mind that I should have extra skepticism on this article concerning parental effects on children, when it comes from someone who supports bullying them with the false doctrines of religion. That may be attacking the author more than the paper, yes, but I think it is illustrative to point out the context of where she is coming from when she writes this article. I'd like to hear any other thoughts!

That sounds like an ex I used to have--disinterested in philosophy and like hostile towards it. I think this also had to do with her dad, a way of her avoiding the legitimate suffering of that monster of a person. Anyway, that's a really tough spot you have. May I ask what you do find of value in this woman, like why you--were in the beginning and are--attracted to her? Just to get some perspective.

Annadios,I personally never thought of being an atheist it as "coming out"--maybe I just didn't really care what people thought. I've identified it now to be more that if they are going to pass negative judgement on something that is important to me, let alone true and moral, then I don't really know how strong that relationship is. That is pretty hard to be honest when relationships are built up like they get though. I was about 16 when it started coming out. I was raised Methodist, and I just wanted to not go to church is how it started for me. After awhile it just came out that it didn't make sense to me--I came at the questions from my family pretty Socratically by just questioning them, etc. If they got hostile, I'd just stay calm and let them diffuse their anger. I'd never show any aggression and try not to fit into the stereotype of "evil atheists". The only real "conflict" I had was with my mom's parents, when they wondered why I didn't go to church when they visited. They seemed surprised and offended, but I guess I just didn't care. I thought a lot about how the truth and honesty was more valuable than relationships built on false premises. I'm trying to work through my childhood and any abuses that I had, and I think empathy was definitely both scrubbed out of me not present throughout my childhood, so maybe that helped me not be as concerned with their opinions? I even cracked jokes sometimes about it...because I view the institution of religion to be so debased. I understand that your situation is different, with a husband and in-laws, but I thought I'd offer my story. If there is any form of danger though, then I think it's best to not tell them, like you said. I think it would be cool if you posted that letter like Jay Paul said, I'd also be willing to look over it. Hope this helps!

"God of the grilled cheese gaps" haha.

What is the title/ number for that podcast?

Do you think the causes of the break with Britain were economic reasons (i.e. Navigation Acts, indirect taxation, duties, etc.) What other social or political reasons might have contributed to the war? I'm looking for some input. Thanks!

I'll just contribute a little--I was first introduced to philosophy as a science through Objectivism, and I still love the books on it today. I wouldn't consider myself an Objectivist in a particular since, since I don't stand completely with her view of politics, due to this article by Roy Childs, among other things. 2. The essence that I got from Rand's epistemology was that concepts play a vital role in cognition. It was especially emphasized in "The DIM Hypothesis", which I don't know if you've read--if you haven't, and are wondering about her epist, for sure check it out--it's all about the triad of the role of concepts; the conflicting ideas that concepts are superior to reality (Plato), that abstractions are not reliable to use to deal with reality (Kant), and the Objectivist position; that abstractions/concretes and concepts/percepts are totally interrelated. I think Epistemology is the most important branch, and it's where I think Rand was most revolutionary--or "against the grain"--in her works, almost as she was in the branch of ethics.

For me it's always been principles, principles, principles. Maybe it's because I'm lazy... but it's worked haha. Check out Stef's podcast "Beautiful Freedom", and he uses the "Who will pick the cotton" argument. Others that I've used to guide my arguments is "Debating freedom without solutions", "advice for the young at heart", "how to change a persons' mind", and I bet more that I can't think of. The "who will pick the cotton" comparison is one of my favorites, including the universality arguments (how can one in a costume have the right to tax/declare war and other opposing rights when he is just another human), the "against me" argument, of course just applying the NAP, and always sticking to pointing out the gun in the room known as the state, and how it is the source of so many of the supposed criticisms of anarchism. I just like to nip it in the butt and always stick to the argument of morality first--it applies to more situations, and you don't have to run around looking up stats haha.Hope that helps!

So, I found this photo on Tumblr today... And it just screamed environmentalism to me. You know, the gun being civilization, i.e. production, and that it's pointed at mother nature--also, the differing implications of the black/white smoke, the fiery hand, the dirty gun, but then the really bright and vibrant woman's face in the cliff. I'm no esthetician, and if you are, I'd love to hear some feedback and thoughts too. I think it's quite an interesting, however misplaced, piece of art.

Hey! I'm Travis, 18, and a freshman attending the University of Utah, probably majoring in Philosophy and something else. I'm still open to majoring in something else, knowing that I'll have to deal with this left leaning, largely post-modernist school of thought, and the fact that it might be a little frustrating to be a professor of philosophy for a living.I'm a multi-instrumentalist, like some sports such as slacklining and frisbee, I also like weightlifting, etc.Utah is a pretty barren place for sound philosophy, or people having any sense of much of it, so FDR is a really good resource for me. I've been listening for about a year and a half, and finally got around to getting on the forums. Oh, and something interesting I participated in this summer; I played quads, in the drumline