TimotheCook

I always thought it was the freedomainers or the molynites

What I gathered from reading is that when you engage in conversation, what the other person says is uninteresting to you for whatever reason. At that point you begin to talk about yourself. Then you begin to feel some sense of guilt for 'hi-jacking' the conversation. When you asked your friends and co-workers they didn't give you much feedback. Personally, I don't see the problem in changing the subject if a conversation gets boring. I actually have the opposite tendency, where I allow and encourage the other person to speak about them self. That's because I have doubts about what I get away with saying and because of issues with trust. Because of this I often ask questions people aren't willing to answer, or can't answer right away for whatever reason. This leads to some tense and awkward silences before they respond. It seems to me like continuously talking about yourself keep the other person from having an active role in the conversation.(They can't really say anything contrary to it because they don't know you very well, so their in a passive role, in which they can either nod and comment here and there or ask you to elaborate further on something.) This keeps the conversation from becoming challenging. I'm going to speculate and say that there is something frightening for you when a conflict occurs in conversation. By keeping the conversation 'safe' you're protecting yourself from that fear and the pain that may come after it. I think that is really cool. As for having a problem solving mind set as apposed to a empathetic and understanding one, I would suggest looking into how you perceive the other persons needs when they say something. If you continuous offer a solution, which tends kill conversation if the person isn't looking for one, it seems you think the person is telling you about a problem they're having. A problem could be a difficulty or an experience.(that's a bad way of saying you don't have to look at it as a problem to be solved.) I find that if you can trust a person to conjure up their own solutions then just listening to whats troubling them can be helpful. By exploring the situation, understanding what at first is confusing, and staying curious you can help them understand their problem better and in turn they will make a better decision because of it. My questions for you are: What about what the other people are saying is uninteresting? Is there anything you fear might happen if the conversation doesn't go well? As in you challenge a person and they become defensive or don't respond at all. How do you perceive the other person's need in the conversation when they are talking about them self? Can you trust the other person to take the responsibility of finding a solution to their own problem? I would suggest you find out what talking about yourself accomplishes and work on confronting whatever fears you may have. Then doing what you fear and seeing what happens. But of course don't do anything stupid. Thanks for sharing and I hope this helps.

Not only does it makes a lot of sense, I also deeply appreciate the sentiments. I'll look into the therapist and try to keep my parts happy.

A few things to note for clarity. My parents are immigrants. My mom being from Russia and my dad from Ukraine. My mom and dad got divorced and I live with my mom along with 3 of my 6 siblings. My dad had 2 more kids with a different wife and lives in the next town over. I could easily talk to him, with less risk and more difficulty because his English isn't too good and I don't speak Ukrainian or Russian in any fluency. My mother on the other hand speaks English very well and is fully capable of having an adult conversation, but I'm not sure if she will agree to have one with me. When I try to talk to them I fear they'll either try to avoid or trivialize the questions I bring to them(in my mother's case) or look for sympathy and make it about them(in my dad's case). What I could gain is a more accurate understanding of what my childhood was like. As it stands I'm hard-pressed to remember anything but a few moments here and there. I hope to understand better my mom's disposition regarding me and my siblings. By her actions I know a bit, but I'm curious as to how she'll react when I bring it up. Also I know it would be a huge step forward in my pursuit of self-knowledge, which would improve my decisions in every sphere in my life and make my life happier in the long run than if I didn't have these conversations. What I could lose is the shelter, food, and phone my mother provides for me. I could lose my mother entirely. I could lose the ease of living that I experience when I live in her house. I would also lose any excuse I have to lay idle and in waiting. I feel it would force me to take action in other parts of my life. I'm not sure if I'm capable yet to take on such difficulty. I simply wouldn't be allowed to. In general, I either was being ordered to do things(chores and school) at the threat of aggression or trying avoid being bullied by my siblings. My mom would yell or my dad would push me into doing things. More accurately my mother would use her voice and posture and such to exert control over me and my siblings. Then they would be gone. My mom I'm not certain where she would go before the divorce, perhaps just busying herself with some chores or talking with the neighbors or something. My dad was always working. He is a construction worker and has been basically his whole life. Other than that I would spend time avoiding my siblings because, since I am the second youngest, I had to always do something that they were doing. I would watch them play if I could, if they let me. If they didn't, I had to find something else to do. I would play with the neighborhood kids and that was fun. I was able to get out and move around. Food was big I remember. My mom would cook and everyone would rush to have some. The food was good and we would all try to grab as much as we could before it was gone. I think I'm ranting on now, but I think what it boils down to, is that if there was an opportunity for me to get something I needed, would get it. The rest of the time I spent avoiding abuse, which ultimately lead to neglect. If I was doing my own thing, I would be ignored. No one would help or take interest. For a lot of the time I would just not do things. I cried for attention a lot. Sometimes I would actually be injured, but I think earlier on that was the only way I could get some care. Thoughts?

I'm having a problem with committing to a philosophical approach to my choices. Each time I have an idea of a course of action that will further my pursuit of self-knowledge(for example talking with my mother about my early childhood or journaling or going for a run) I resort instead to acting in a self-soothing manner(eating too much when I probably shouldn't be or playing videogames or youtube etc). It seems I'll do just about anything to avoid bringing all the abstract ideas I accept about the virtue of self knowledge into concrete behavior and I find that strange. This problem goes into my intellectual and creative pursuits too, and when I stop and see what I'm doing I feel very frustrated with myself. I can sometimes start to get myself to do some self-knowledge but the harder I try to start again the harder I snap back into the self-soothing. In this way I see the self soothing as an addiction. An exaggeration for sure, but I think it helps frame the action as wrong or unhelpful. It may not be or may not have been in the past, but it is getting in the way of my pursuit of a better life. I also see the behavior as running away. Turning tail and running from the truth, as if it's something to be afraid of. If I stop and think about it I feel incredibly anxious and restless. I want to act courageously but it seems to be the most difficult thing for me to do. I would like some thoughts or questions or if anyone has gone through similar struggles I'd like to hear the story of how you dealt with it. If anyone wants to hear a bit about my childhood, ask.

I used to drink tea a lot. While not as bad on the caffeine front as coffee is, it still was a problem. I didn't realize it until I stopped, but it left me high strung and anxious. It actually hindered any rational thoughts and pushed me to be a bit paranoid. That's not to say now I don't have irrational thoughts or act unconsciously. More precisely, I am more aware of when I do when I'm not on caffeine. Have you considered cold showers/ exercise/ and a good healthy breakfast lunch and diner? That coupled with plenty of sleep should give you a fair amount of energy. Go to sleep at a reasonable time. Wake up nice and early to go for a run or do some yoga or something. Eat breakfast and journal. Shower and go about your day. Be sure to plan so you go to sleep at a reasonable time again. Once you get in the habit, it's pretty amazing how much energy you'll have.

I don't have any particular expertise in this matter, but I'll say what makes sense to me. To try to understand the abuser before the abused come to terms with his or her own pain and anger will only hinder that process. The first one anyone should have empathy will is oneself. That being said, knowing what allowed the abuse to occur and how the abuser was able to get away with it will help the abused to avoid recreating the situation with their current or future relationships. He or she gains a sense of the characteristics of potential abuser and what they do to allow that abuse to happen.

When someone stonewalls, what they are saying, in effect, "I don't want to talk about this anymore." Ask them if that's what they really want. Isn't it curious that your boy friend doesn't want to consider your position. Now I'm not trying to jump to conclusions about him or anything, just pointing out something I think is a bit queer. Ask whats going on for him when your explaining your positions, and tell him whats happening to you. Be honest and curious and show whats important to you and get to know whats important to him. If you aren't curious you don't need to force it, just leave the situation or go do something else. The situation is voluntary after all, you don't have to be around that person if you don't want to be around them anymore.

could you expand on that? whats missing, and what is the cause of the empty feeling?

I'm sort of going through similar things. When I got in my rut, I didn't feel like doing anything. I was sad at the fact that I wasn't living my values and I saw myself as immoral. My lack of integrity was disturbing. What I'm doing to start to climb out of that rut is thinking of tangible ways to live the principles. The principles being honest and curious about myself, the people around me, and the situations and things I find around me. I find that when I find something to being curious about things start to become a lot more fun. I also have been looking for a job(to get some money saved up to move out of my mom's house) and have been looking for interesting things to learn online(cousera has a lot of free online college level courses on a broad spectrum of topics). This is all conjecture and I'm open to being wrong in this, but I wager that it's not that you've fallen into a rut. It's more that you've now seen the emptiness in all aspects of your life. Your hobbies, friends, family all seem to have lost a certain quality that they had before you knew the truth. It maybe more like you are in the exact same play pin as you have been and none of the toys are interesting, all of the people are condescending and sarcastic, and you see through the bars to the possible world that you could be inhabiting. I think you're right in thinking you shouldn't just go out into the world. You need to prepared to tackle all the challenges of the world and want to tackle them with gusto. That way it'll be fun to live in the world, instead of depressing. You're going to therapy and and are listening to the ideas in this show so I think you're well on your way. Tell me if this has been helpful at all. Again, I've been going through the same sort of things, so these are the thoughts that I've had about it. Mostly pertaining to my situation, but hopefully will help you with your's.

My name is Tim. I'm 19 years old. I'm from Massachusetts, USA. I've been listening to the podcasts and youtube videos for 3 to 4 years now, bouncing around and looking for possible connections to things that have happened in my life(my childhood and my family, my relationships with my friends, prospects for things I may be able to do in the future for work and schooling, etc). I have found a lot of the content to ring true in an abstract sense, but each time I try to apply philosophy to my life, it becomes difficult for me. By joining in on the conversation(as apposed to just listening in), I hope it becomes easier. I look forward to sharing my thoughts and learning from you all.