Panoptic

Thank you all for the responses, I really appreciate it. I'm not sure what you are referring to. Do you mean my reluctance to go to that party in the first place? Or my reluctance to go with my brother? I originally knew that the event was going to take place, but I knew I wasn't interested when I was invited. I also anticipated my brother eventually inviting me from the onset and I dreaded this. Usually when I try to avoid going to events with my brother, it is because I act differently when he is not around. I feel more social awkwardness around my brother than around others. My parents were always very reluctant to communicate with us. They hardly even communicated with each other. There was hardly any communication besides the basic "how are you?" and "what's going on?", let alone communication about emotions. Whenever I tried to talk to my parents about emotional things, they always sat there, listened, and then never really said anything. It always seemed like they just wanted to get out of those situations as quickly as possible. To give an example, my half-brother got a divorce and nobody told me. I didn't find out about it until over a year later. Hm, you definitely have great perspectives. When I made the post, I was thinking that this is all about me and that there must be something wrong with me. But you are pointing out that my brother is in fact fragile (from what you can tell from my original post) and that the guilt is not necessarily a bad thing. I appreciate that your answer tends to be more action based (e.g. if you want to help your brother you should be more honest with him) rather than analytical (e.g. what were your parents like?). Not that either are bad. But I guess in the end what I really need to do is take some action with my brother and maybe even speak with him about my own feelings aside from that. Like I said above (in this post), I feel almost infinitely more socially awkward around my brother than around others. I think I can begin to break though that if I just begin to be more honest with him. Thank you.

I have been a member since 2013. I feel that the way I participated on my old profile was unproductive at best. I feel that I tended to seek help but was not willing to put the effort in myself to change. I also feel that I was guilty of running to FDR when I needed some emotional help, but didn't stick around to continue the needed effort to change. I have a desire to help people and the world. I admire those who have made the effort to repair themselves although it is tough and grueling work. I do look up to those who have gone through the journey I have not begun yet. There seems to be something holding me back from beginning the journey. I hope that I can push through that and begin self-work.

I was just laying on the ground studying for a summer class I am taking. I was reading through the textbook trying to figure out how to approach a particular circuit problem and all of the sudden I received a sudden and sharp recollection of last October when my brother wanted to go to a Halloween party with me. I did not want to go but I felt really bad for him. He was gently pressuring me to change my mind and to go to the costume store with him to pick up a pair of costumes on Halloween night. I felt bad and did not want him to be upset. So I gave him some false hope by telling him I would go to the store. We got there and looked around and I thought the prices were pretty expensive. I walked off to look around the store to try to subconsciously signal him that I was not interested. He was very patient and found a pair of costumes that came as a pair and were cheap (yes, the classic hot dog and mustard combination). I was having a lot of anxiety and kept walking around, and he picked up a ticket to go get the costumes at the counter. Then he tracked me down and asked me if I wanted to do it. I said I don't know yet. I kept pushing the decision off. I didn't want to commit but I felt sorry for him. He was patient and kept asking me if I had decided yet. Eventually I told him I didn't want to go. He was upset and said he thought I wanted to go to the party and I said in a mean way "I never said I wanted to go". So he asked why we were even at the store to begin with and I think I told him that I just wanted to look around. He said in a disappointing and resentful voice "okay lets go". I vividly recall walking behind him out of the store and him in front of me dropping his ticket without looking down in the garbage can. I felt a huge surge of sadness and guilt. I can't stop thinking about his hand dropping the ticket in the garbage. He didn't seem sad, just disappointed and resentful. I tried laying on the floor when this thought came up and experiencing the emotions I was feeling. I began to tear up. I kept recalling other times I had disappointed him. I feel like I must sit down with him at some point to tell him how I feel. (He is my fraternal twin and he is a few minutes younger than me.) I have a history of feeling sad and guilty towards him, like I've done him so much harm. I think after puberty I began to "leave him behind" so to speak throughout middle school and high school. When people we mean to him, I was usually embarrassed about him and try to isolate him from my life. In high school and college, I would wait until he was not around to go hang out with people so he couldn't ask to come with me. I wanted "my own friends", I wanted a life separate from him. And I wanted him to have friends because I felt bad, just not the same friends as me. The relationship between us in life seems to have manifested itself where I am somewhat of an older brother/parent to him and he is the more fragile one. Does this sound reasonable? I am kind of just writing my thoughts down on here. Why would I feel so sad and sorry for him all the time? Is it because I was mean to him in the past? Or could others reasons be a factor as well?

I agree that the prepper mindset is based on fantasy. Its actually sad to see how much of the life and money they are wasting, especially since they consider firearms to be a part of the "necessary" preparation gear. In fact, it seems that many of them are more interested in stockpiling firearms instead of food and water which reinforces the idea that its a fantasy. I believe in keeping food and water stockpiled. I honestly think I would feel paranoid if I started stockpiling medical supplies, clothing, etc. Even though its totally possible that it would come in handy, I just don't like the idea of keeping track of all of this, it just seems to weigh my life down. I live in the middle of a decently sized city and I keep a cupboard loaded with canned foods. I aim for variety because you cannot just survive off of beans (in case you didn't know!). I have ton of different types of vegetables and fruit. More importantly though I have a good sized stockpile of bottled water in my closet. I don't have a firearm because I don't want to have the responsibility that comes along with owning one, but I do hear gunshots outside from time to time. Somehow it seems that the inside walls of my gated condo complex are perfectly safe

I think you make an interesting point. I think there is a significant difference though, and that is the fact that your position as "Ethics Compliance Officer" was a responsibility to uphold ethics standards, whereas my position is not about that. I.e. the purpose of your position was to uphold ethics (or was to said to uphold ethics) whereas the purpose of mine has nothing to do with upholding ethics, just to fulfill some duties. In my situation, I still did it because I thought it was a good thing to do (although in truth, I was letting the concerns about others walk over my desires, which were not to do it in the first place), but that assumption still holds. Even though I am not doing what I thought I would be, it is still true that I can repay the club by being an officer here. The only thing that has changed is the stated responsibilites. The responsibilities themselves do not change the fact that I can still repay the club, which is what is bothering me. When I made the commitment, there were 2 things assumed: I can fulfill the duties of the position I am applying for I have the time to fulfill these duties Now, number 1 is has obviously changed because I thought I was applying for something else. Number 2 though, is the problem. It was implicit in my commitment that I have the time to be an officer, but I do not have that time any longer. I am probably confusing you so let me clear up my case. If I go and explain to them that I will not meet this commitment, I have to give them reasons. The first reason I was planning on giving them was that I simply do not want to do this any longer because the stated duties have changed. The second reason is that I do not has much time as I thought I did before to make this commitment. I think my first reason shows them the "legal" basis for leaving. The second reason though, does not, because I originally told them implicitly that I could make the time commitment. Now, other things that I did not anticipate are filling my schedule. These are things that I committed to after I made the officer commitment. So I could have not done those things, knowing that I had the original commitment. After this long thought process, it seems like it comes down to the fact that my decision making faculty is not very good at the moment and I made an irresponsible decision to begin with. I think what I can do, is be 100% honest with them and explain the two reasons I gave above. I am still not sure about the morality of leaving because it almost seems optional. I originally made a commitment and morally bound myself, but this commitment was made under a bad decision on my part. Also, the other party was completely aware of my unkowningness to commit to something that I did not understand, and they said nothing. It is definitely confusing but I think I know what I am going to do now. Thank you Livemike for this!

Last semester in school, I made a commitment that I now regret making. I didn't really want to do it in the first place (so I obviously had signs to myself that the decision shouldn't have been made) but I ran for an officer position in a club I am in. The reason I ran was because it seemed like not many people were running and I felt like it was somewhat of a responsibility of mine to run since I had been a member for a year. I felt "bad" that if I didn't run then the other officers would have to deal with that situation. Although I suppressed this emotion by telling myself that it would end up looking good on my resume. So I ran for "outreach officer" which I thought had to do with bringing in relevant, local industries to talk to club members (which is a position I held in a different club before). Unfortunately, this was a complete misunderstanding and the position actually involves going to middle schools and elementary schools to talk to children about science. This is something I am extremely uncomfortable doing since I have no experience with children (nothing against children). So I ran for the position and gave my speech (which was all about bringing in industry) during a club meeting. It was extremely obvious to the others that I had no idea what I was getting myself into during this speech, but I was not aware. After I spoke, the floor was opened to questions, and not one of the officers (or anybody for that matter) told me that I had this misunderstanding. I ended up getting elected, and still nobody said anything. It wasn't until 2 weeks later when one of the officers invited me to go with her to an elementary school to talk. I texted her and explained that I wasn't comfortable doing that, and she replied saying that it would be good practice since I would be doing a lot of this as an officer. This is when I found out, and I was pretty shocked. Even later on I talked to one of the other officers who saw my speech and he joked that it was pretty awkward when I was up there not knowing what I was talking about. This seems a little bit unfair to me, but maybe I'm just putting the blame on the others. I still haven't decided what to do and school is approaching. I will start my officer position for the year unless I back out, but I don't know what I should do. I feel like I would feel guilt from breaking a commitment I made if I back out. I have guilt issues anyway and so I'm not sure if it is a valid feeling or not, because I get a feeling of guilt about the smallest things and tend to let others walk over me. At the same time, I still made the commitment and I feel it is my responsibility to carry it out, even if I don't believe I made the right decision in the first place. So what do you all think? What is the morally good decision to make? I don't want to live with more guilt if I make the wrong decision again.

How about Labor Day weekend? August 30th

When I said don't compare yourself, I was talking to OP. As for the Google GPA and transcript info, I said nothing about that. I didn't mention the word "GPA" in my post. My GPA is terrible, and I am working an internship right now. Of course, I wouldn't have gotten the job if I wasn't in college, and the degree I'm aiming for is still required for the jobs I want to work. When I was referring to CS, I didn't say it should be called a science. I was just explaining what the degree consists of compared to Computer Engineering. I would also argue that CS is not really engineering. Anything "applied" is not automatically engineering. Then you could call a technician an engineer. You say I have conformation bias because I'm going to college. How do you know that? Couldn't I just as easily say you have bias because you're not in college? As a matter of fact, I've almost dropped out 2 or 3 times over the past few years because I didn't think I was getting anywhere. Then I realized it was just my bad attitude holding me back. Anyway, Eric.Linux, if I were you I would research as many opportunities as possible. You could go to community college first and save boatloads of money, unless you've managed to obtain scholarships. Also, you don't have to rush. Some people take a break for a semester of two to travel or to figure things out for themselves. Just make sure you're ready before you go and jump in (if you decide to do it). I had such a bad attitude about it for my first three years and lost so many opportunities. You will get out as much as you put into it, so put in as much as you can (i.e. take every opportunity you can). All I put in was going to class and doing enough work to get B's. I didn't do anything in the realm of clubs or networking, and so I got little out of it. Now I'm changing that. You can keep jacbot's position in mind. I think he's somewhat right about the value of a CS degree, but a lot of jobs require it and there's no way around that. Its much better to open your horizons IMO by getting the degree instead of aiming for companies that hire people without degrees. Besides, if you want to get hired at a place that hires without degrees, you still have to KNOW what they want you to know, and learning that in your free time may or may not be something you're good at.

Don't compare yourself to Elon Musk. Everybody is different. Steve Jobs and Bill Gates dropped out. That most definitely says nothing about what you should do. Computer Science and Computer Engineering are vastly different. Computer science is heavily concentrated on mathematical methods for solving programming issues. Computer engineering is a subset of electrical engineering and has far more to do with hardware. Computer engineering is essentially the same as electrical engineering except with different technical electives. Computer science majors don't need to take much physics or even high level math (at least where I go to school). Jacbot, I think you have good input but you are being far too biased. Everybody is different and college is still very valuable even for how much its quality has declined over the years.

I can make a road trip to California, whether it be on a weekend during school or on a break. I have a 3 day weekend on Labor Day, maybe then?I'd prefer to do it after school begins because I'm pretty busy for the summer right now.

This is really awesome to see! I think FDR lacks meetups, we need to meet with each other more!

That's a really cool idea. Of course, it would have to work out for everyone. Out of all of those states, the middle point seems to be Las Vegas. I'm down lol. As for dates? I'm still in college, but I can find a weekend to go if it happened after school is in.

I'm actually learning Russian right now in my free time. Maybe when I become intermediate we can try talking.

Thank you guys for messaging me and being so outgoing and willing to help. I really appreciate the replies. Well, I kind of meant I needed to make sure my thoughts weren't overly strange or derived from my own neglect to my emotional development. I should have used a better word. I just feel like a lot of my feelings and emotions shouldn't be what they are. For example, for some reason, even immediately after I just met a new person, I get extremely jealous and hurt when I see them talking to somebody else other than me. And it is more so for women, but men as well. Its seems like attachment issues or something.

If you get depressed easily, maybe don't read this - I have no friends, nobody to talk to, nobody to listen. I also feel like I will never have friends (or "buddys"). Even though I've improved my social skills in the past year, I still fall so far behind others. I feel self-conscious, unable to look another person in the eye. I walked past a girl today in my apartment complex. I saw her polite smile in the corner of my eye as she passed, but I walked past as if she wasn't ever there. I feel hollow and plastic. I would love to have smiled back and said hi, but I could not. I have no idea how to express my emotions. I have no emotions. I feel nothing. No anger, happiness, excitement, sadness. Everything I see is nothing to me. I finally got the internship I've wanted for years to push my career foward, but I feel no happiness. The only thing I feel, whenever I do feel, is guilt and fear. I'm guilty of only ever coming on here when I'm desparate. I don't take the time to gain self-knowledge. I'm scared, I want help. Most of the time I go through my life feeling nothing, pretending everything is fine. I day dream a lot about being powerful, about someday coming back to the people I knew from high school and surprising them all with how rich and successful I am (in my head). Its weird, most of the time I NEVER feel like anything is wrong. I feel comfortable. But once every 4 or 5 months, I find myself in a bout of depression and anxiety (which is what I feel now). I feel fear and guilt. Then after a week or two I get distracted by something else, like school work or some new thing I find on the internet (idk, like Reddit). Then I go another 4 or 5 months feeling nothing. I'm SICK of feeling nothing. I want to feel, anger, sadness, happiness, excitement. This time, I'm afraid I will get distracted again and find myself back on here doing the same thing 4 or 5 months from now... TL;DR Is there anybody on here who is willing to maybe set up a chat room on Facebook or some other medium? I'd love to Skype, but I really can't with my brother always around, he'd hear everything although I'm sure there will be points where he won't be here. I feel like I just need somebody who I could talk to regularly about life, emotions, and things that I never get to share. I have no idea what I'm doing right or wrong with my actions and thoughts. I need verification. Thank you for reading and replying, I feel a bit better writing this, although I want to cry right now, but my brother is here. EDIT: I also wanted to add how shameful I feel for coming on here and asking FDR for so much, and yet I don't even try myself. If you don't feel like responding, then I understand.