That's a very good question. Saying the wrong thing and 'messing things up' (ie further supporting their false belief that what happened to them was acceptable or normal etc) is a definitely a concern . I want to truly help those that share these things with me, and I don't want to foster 'false self' emotions; I've definitely said the 'wrong' thing in the past before and I've felt guilt for it. The example that comes to mind is when a friend told me she thought that she had been molested as a child, and a few days later I mentioned a statistic on the frequency of molestation/sexual abuse in women (I can't remember what the statistic is but it's high), in hopes of making them feel better but later realized that It was probably the worst thing I could say in that it further helps them to normalize the behavior and believe it is okay for that to happen. Back a few years when I was younger I would use the 'everything is going to be okay' line, but I see now (past few years) that while they trusted me and thus is soothed them this is only more heroin, so to speak.
'fear that they will perceive your empathy as disengious'. Maybe a little but I don't think that's too much of a factor. I would think they wouldn't share it with me if they didn't know that I truly did care, however the fact that I am afraid to say the wrong thing and thus sometimes just don't say anything is something that I fear causes them to think I don't care.
Just for a little more backstory: My biggest thing Is that I want to help people, but in the past I've put so much effort in with no sign of any positive change, that it caused me to get worn down, feel angry, and kind of give up. This is what resulted in the 'not really saying anything' kind of responses, but more commonly just not even engaging in conversations at all. I have one friend, the one whom talking to caused me to write this post, who I still talk deeply with frequently, but my few other friends and acquantences who have kind of 'clung' to me because they think (or so it seems) that I can save them or fix them has caused me to detach from the relationships because it's so draining. I kind of have this mental image of a soldier squad in a desert and all my squad mates are wounded and I can either sit there with them and assage their fears, or I can move forward and come back with help (if I find it). Basically I don't want to, or more so, can't while still having enough enery to work on myself and get all my school, work, etc stuff down to put in a lot of effort to helping my friends when there is no sign that it will actually be helpful to them. Saving all the souls of those around me in not a major concern or goal of mine, but it is something that stays in the back of my mind.
But this post is, mostly anyway, about my one friend whom I do have a close relationship with (She has been in my life for almost 7 years now; we've both seen eachother at our worst and have had a very bumpy relationship), whom I've been able to help to grow to a decent degree (and whom has helped me grow tremendously; I probably wouldn't be alive today if it weren't for her) but have also hurt in the past and I just want to be sure that I am actually helping and not hurting.
Yeah I think I've got this down decently well. I know that there isn't only one way to go about it but I do feel like only de-normalizing it is kind of 'text-book' so to speak. In stuff like the Call In Shows it seems to, by itself, be a pretty sufficient answer, but It just feels like in relationships that are much more in-depth (ie someone you've known for years) that there is more to be said.
Definitely agree, but the issue is that I'm not sure what a therapist would say. I'm usually pretty good with the questions in general but when it comes to really heavy statements I get concerned about whether I'm dealing with them correctly and I am not sure that the socratic questioning on the usual conversation is so good for that stuff. What do you think?
Your response to the divorce example provided some ideas in my head. Definitely asking them how they feel, and not only denormalizing but trying to tell them how I'd feel in the situation is key. Even then though I feel like it would come out kind of emotion-less, but, as you said, It will take practice due to being something that I have never really used.
Also I think a key thing I need to do is get more in touch with my own childhood which would (I would think) make me more able to relate.
Thanks for your insightful responses guys
