Jami

Thank you for that. I start my therapy this week with a therapist. I'll keep that in mind finding a therapist that leans towards agnostic or atheism. I appreciate your comment. I have been on the path of self knowledge since I started listening to stef in august or september. I'm very aware of my addiction. I hope your aware that addiction is a disease. There is no 5% success rate. Everyday is battle. Once you are an addict you are always an addict. Theres a thin line between reality and being high. It runs so deep that I feel like I'm drowning on a daily basis I don't mean this comment to sound offputting. I'm just trying to talk. I appreciate your comment.. This brought me to tears Nathan. I miss you so much. I..I just want you to be happy. I'm going to send you a message. You are very kind. Thank you. I will keep in mind a few of the statements you have made.

Is anybody on here a counselor or working towards a career in psychology? What books would you recommend for someone considering this as a career goal? Thank you for your time, Jami

I just recently started my path to sobriety by joining Narcotics Anonymous. The only thing that irks me is the religious stuff they are always talking about. They do group prayers and talk about God. I feel rather alone when I attend these meeting because of that. I understand why people cling to religion and how it helps them. .....Let me get to point without rambling on..... Deep breathe. Okay. Is there a such thing as an atheist narcotics anonymous? Or is that just a pipe dream? I really would love to hear some kind and encouraging words. Getting clean has got to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Thank you for your time, Jami

I had a psychotic break from reality about three weeks ago. I remember very little about what happened and who it affected. It's like I've lost 99% of my memory as to what happened and what I've said to the people around me. Now it just feels like I'm in a pitch black room and the candle went out. Has anyone gone through this? What did you do? How did it affect you?

Goodbye

No it was never allowed I would hurt. Feel feelings. The consequences have been life and death up untill one week ago. I still am living in a hostile enviroment. I've made calls have a hotline. I realized everything in my room was terrible. I put it all in my closet because I cant even throw it away without something bad happening. I have been disconeccted from my emotions my entire life until a week ago when everything surfaced and now I can feel emotions and I get very anxious. Theres so much to say and I still feel like I shouldnt say it. you undestand me, I AM NOT SUICIDAL. If someone dare says to do that. I swear. I. THis is what I mean. Look at my typing. I see all this and I'm stuck here. My subconsciousness and consciousness split because of the abuse ive suffered. They finally realized they arent enemies yesterday and came together. I realzed I am gay and my family wont accept me. I know they wont. I don't feel very anxious now. I'm still wondering if I should not be on the forums at all. NO I just ripped through my room after I submitted this question and I threw everything that reminded me of my family and god in the closet. This is how ashamed I am of being gay. But Im not. I know Im gay. But Im living with my family. This has got to be what hell would be like if it were real. You were being empathetic and I could not recognize it I thumbed you down. It's because youre a man. Now I don't know if Im being empathetic towards you as a person or towards men and what I correlate them with = abuse. I think this might be me trying to leave my abusive family but I can't. I'm stuck. I've felt this way my whole life and just now feel it. What it really is is I have nowhere safe I can go. Every aspect of my living situation is dependent and a constant reminder of the abuse. This has all hit me in 24 hours. I might have to leave this behind. And what it is is I really don't want to because this has given me support but my issues are so deep. I just realzed the half of the reason why I started watching fdr is because stefan is a man telling others what to do. The other half sees him as helping others immensely or do I even know the difference?! I swear it's like im switching from past and present every hour. I doubt anybody can empathize with me. I've tried to find gay outreach programs but I live in the middle of nowhere. I found a hotline but I can't call it all the time. This is why I've come on here. I have to find a supportive gay site. I've looked and looked and cant find it. I want you all to help me. So I can go move on. Whats a site like this but for gays going through this. I cant find it.

I'm trying so hard to express empathy but my irrationality keeps surfacing. I feel like my words are hurting others. I just realized I'm talking about myself again. I am still concerned for everyone that trys to get close to me. I feel volatile. It's like everytime another person on this forum expresses theirself I can feel a part of myself trying to attack them. I can see this and it takes me many times to write how I am feeling. What I have compiled is that I should write down what I say before I write it. I am not looking for your alls approval asking this but maybe I am. Is this a safe place? Is that what I should be doing to prevent myself from harming myself and others? I feel strange. Wow that sounds so bad saying that. Maybe I should Not post again on here until I get therapy.

I understand your feelings and acknowledge your justified anger. It makes so much sense to the logical side of things. I believe you must explore deeper "Why it is I feel this way?". You are so strong and brave. You've reached out to me every post almost I've made. I can really feel how your feeling. I appreciate this from you. "I am interested in the truth. I welcome all corrections and critiques" Keep searching. Did that sound right to you? I'm really dedicated to learning and accepting the art of empathy. I'm trying really hard but am still very much so healing. If I ever say anything out of context or mean or confusing it has nothing to do with you as a person. All I can say is I appreciate your time and the courage you have. Stay strong, Jami Im happy you have expressed yourself! What I really meant by that was me for the first time being able to truly empathize with Jesus. Not the logical side of things. I was able to recognize that after having this thought. I wrote it all down. There is one thing I will disagree with you about. You say that it is probably more bad than good. It is equal in every way. Oh wait a second. Yeah I should not have posted this like that. It screams irrationality. The faith virus has destroyed many people not just one man. Oh my. TIme to write more in my notebook. Wow I have got to read what I type over and over again before I say it. I feel different. This is me trying to express myself not judge you. I've edited this 4 times. I have so much more to do.

I've edited this about 3 times since I recognized this. Whoa I can see it and remember it. I finally know wholeheartedly what I have to do to make my life better for myself and those around me. No wonder why the world has been crashing down around me this week. I'm the one who's been doing the crashing. Whoa. Now's when I say God Bless You, but know I mean Truth Bless You. You are the truth. Love yourselves.

I can read the the Bible now. Has anyone gone or is going through this? I understand now why I have clung to that kind of faith. My traditional catholic upbringing makes sense now that I am Atheist. In the name of the Father = Truth. The son = Empathy. And the Holy Ghost = self knowledge. Amen=sealing the truth empathy and knowledge together.One God three divine persons. This is why the Bible is the most popular book in existence. This is what Jesus discovered and tried so hard to show the world. The world rejected him and killed him for it. This is why we feel empathy for Jesus. Everyone who clings to faith is guilty about rejecting the reality of truth. This is why I have cried and sobbed while praying to Jesus. I've broken down to him in that state but know now I was trying so hard to break myself down to understand what he went through. This is why I have always loved my religion yet have always felt hypocritical my entire life pursing the truth in the manner from with which it was presented to me. Have you all felt this? Do you feel the same? This is incredible. I don't hate my faith anymore. The two parts of me I thought have separated have not. I've always been whole. The abuse I've suffered is what caused me to split in two. This is the true reason why the world is the way it is. Wow. I've always said to myself about Jesus after I had heard it somewhere. "Whatever you want to believe about God know this: One mans death changed the world forever." Wow. I understand Everything makes sense! How this is possible! Wow. I need to start my deep breathing and focusing on things here and now. Golllleyyyyyyyy! Also sidenote: Now I am not moving at warp speed. lol. I have been doing this "stuff" my entire life and had no idea. I've slowed down and changed some things around that I was doing. I think because I've come to this reasoning this whole experience just got so much easier. I understand now. I am so happy I found freedomainradio. I appreciate your time reading this. Wow. Fourth time editing I have to say one thing very clear. I AM NOT TRYING TO GIVE ADVICE AT ALL! I feel as if I did not say that clearly enough. I'm trying to feel empathy and am using this board to help me. Expressing this emotion I've felt this morning has been another huge step in the right direction. I am getting help for this just so everybody knows. 7th or 8th time editing this. I was putting Jesus above other men because of the abuse I have suffered. This is why this has caused me such relief. Because that turmoil surfaced. If you can see the fact that I empathize with jesus now has scared me. This caused a reaction. That reaction caused me to recognize my issues with my sexuality. This is not advice these are my thoughts.

I'm learning empathy for the first time and I need some help. Please, tell me about your day and how you have been. Then I want to respond as empathetic as I can at this moment. Only if you want to do so, ofcourse.

Whoa, that was very comforting. Thank you for sharing! Thank you. It is an unimaginable. I still am working on this. I appreciate your thoughts on this subject. Yes, This is where I would say a curse word followed by the word yeah. I like your words. Thank you,

Wow I responded to that wrong the first time. You have my utmost sympathy for what you've gone through. I feel the need to share with you one concept. If you feel the need to break the wills of people you mustn't. It's a big red flag that you are still very new to this. Do this instead when you feel the need to break down other peoples walls. Breathe deeply. Write it down. The best course of action is no action. This has helped me tremendously. Keep finding the truth in everything. It's such a feeling of terror and happiness. But at the end of this road when you are who you were born to be. People will break their own walls and you won't feel the need you have to or should have to break their walls. do you understand? Wow I am in no state to be giving advice. I have so much to do. Time to give stef a listen. Holy moley! Okay.

I have such empathy for you. I was in the chat room earlier today. Deerbearbeer. That was me. I was in shattered in to pieces. The past week has felt like one second. I didn't leave it because of anything you all said. But because I had to leave my old self behind. The part of me that has always looked to other people on how to be. One day I will be able to share this story with all of you. I just want to know how you all are doing and where you are at with this experience. It is happening to you.Keep pushing. You can be the person you've always wanted to be. We are all born to seek the truth. We are the truth.

I believe I have experienced this. I would like to know first the opinion of everybody and anybody out there. What do you all think of this? I only ask this to you all because now I see the truth everywhere. My life will never be what it was before today. In seven days I have overcome addiction, god, my family. I have gained love and empathy for myself and others. Has anyone had this happen?

I have experienced so much in the past week it has caused me to wonder how I have lived so long in that state. The only thing I can say to each one of you is Thank You. I have such a long road ahead before I can say "I'm reborn". Saying that was the only way I could describe it in that moment. I'm going to spend the rest of my existences running towards the truth and being reborn again and again. The people on this forum, the man in my life, and stefan are so beyond anything I have ever preconceived about this site. I found this website as a traditional roman catholic, who hated herself, couldn't feel emotions, and accepted abuse with open arms. I reject running from the truth. I'm bisexual. I'm an athiest. I feel love for the first time in my life. Nobody is ever going to abuse me again. I think that sentence says it all. This is where I would normally say God Bless you all. But it is you all that are the blessing. I want to say we are the gods for having this amount of courage to chase the truth in this manner. I'm losing the family that never loved me but gaining a new one that loves me and so much more. I have so much more to say to you Nathan even though I've already said it. Thank you all for your time, me

I have something to share with every soul on this forum. I have reached a breaking point in the past 24 hours. I have let go of the guilt, pain, fear, and shame I have felt everyday of my life for as long as I can remember. I have suffered sexual, physical, verbal, and mental abuse. I have carried it around with me everyday up until today. It has caused me to not feel emotion. I felt emotion for the first time in my life in the past 24 hours. Stefan, a fellow freedomain radio head, and a two year old child have been the tools I've been able to use to overcome this. I will be speaking now about the two year old I babysit and his role in changing my life forever. Hence, the title "The Power of Children". Yesterday, I get a call on the phone asking to babysit. My initial reaction is always YES. I have always loved and admired children but never been able to recognize why. So the evening comes and I arrive at the house to babysit for the evening. I see the little boy ,whom I have babysat since august. I'm feeling terrified but am smiling. The adults did not notice but the little one did. I'm going to name the two year old Bob for the rest of this. I soon as I looked at Bob, he had the strangest look on his face. He could see my fear. His parents set him down to greet me and he runs away from me. I go scurrying after him but he is running too fast to catch him. It was like he was the flash and I was turtle. He then runs up the stairs and is waiting at the top. I'm still trying to get to him. Soon as I get close enough to him, he runs into his parents room and slams the door in my face. I was beyond shocked. A few moments after I tried to open the door but couldn't. Right as this happened he opened the door and ran past me again. This time he was running to his room. And again right as I am about to get to him he slams the door in my face. At this time I opened to door after knocking and asking if he was okay. He looked right up at me again with a comforting look. We went back downstairs. His mother and father left. This has always upset him to a severe extent. Bob has always for at least an hour of cried and banged on the front door after his parents left. This is now the another thing I am able to recognize. He has never been upset for an hour about his parents leaving. It was actually on average about 15 minutes. This is my inner child (again) showing me how I have dismissed the abuse my parents have done to me by changing the amount of time this child showed his true emotion. As Bob is doing what any child does when their parents abandoned them with a stranger. I felt the fear in me. I was able to recognize this fear head on. I felt instant relief. I then asked him to please help me put together his train tracks. He stops expressing his justified emotions, and he turns around and bolts towards me. So we spend time playing, reading, watching chuggington, laughing, and of course the other things one has to do when taking care of children. Then when I felt the most comfortable I've ever felt. I ask him if he was thirsty. He didn't answer. So, I go and get his juice and hand it to him. He takes a big sip and spits it directly into my face. And smiles. After he spit in my face the only thing that was in my mind was "What facial expression can I show to teach this child empathy and not to be disrespectful to others". I did the expression I thought would be appropriate and he runs away to corner. I walk over after a brief pause to tell him how that hurt my feelings and try to convey how disrespectful that is and not to ever do that again. He slightly turns and has the biggest smile on his face. I now further recognize what this actually meant. I was almost completely unaware at the time. He was telling me about my lack of boundaries (I've never had them until today. I've already stuck up for myself more today than I have in my entire life) Bob knew the effect that that action would have on me which caused him to smile. I'm still in a intense state of shock at the amount of intuition and empathy this child is capable of. He's two years old. I'm 21 years old. He's been in his diaper longer than I have been in my emotions. That son of a gun knew exactly what he was doing. He was telling me not only about my lack of boundaries but how much I have disrespected myself. Time passes and we are still playing. I felt overwhelmingly tired and had to just lay on the couch. He was playing right next to me on the ground with his toys. Right as I lay down he climbs up on the couch. He is having difficulty so I help him up. He sits way far away from me and gives me a look. It was slightly mischievous (from what I perceived at the time it was actually him thinking of what to do next). He looks away. Then a couple minutes later he gets up, runs, and tackles me. He jumped on me. I'm panicking because I trying so hard to get him off me and him not be hurt at all. This moment felt like an eternity. Eventually I managed to set him down. I tell him not to do that because it's disrespectful. He turns and smiles at me and pats my leg. What he did right there was him testing my boundaries again. Normally any child I have babysat I have always let them do whatever they wanted to. Grab my hair, pull my clothes, hit me, bite me. Because to me then it would have been evil to not let them express their selves. Later he then tested my boundaries again. He ran up stairs and got his blanket and we both brought it down the stairs. We sit on the couch and he puts the blanket over our heads. He is trying to hold the blanket up to it is like some kind of fort. So I put his hands down and I instead put my hands up holding the blanket up. He's smiling still at me so lovingly. He's pointing to the trains on the blanket and talking. It was mostly baby blabber but it made perfect sense to me and I talked to him. Eventually my arms got tired and I didn't want to hold the blanket anymore. I actually told him that. Now this persistent little boy is so very persistent in testing me. He then over and over tries to put the blanket over my head. Each time I say no, he smiles and giggles. I just had another moment. This is so powerful. Every child I have ever taken care of has tried to incredibly hard to help me. All of the babies I've been around. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM HAS TRIED TO SAVE ME! The amount of empathy children are capable of is so far beyond anything an adult could ever achieve. This is why I have always wanted to be around children. I've just now come to this realization and it is the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me. I'm shaking and crying. My dogs are all over me. I can barely type. After that happened I swear that 7 year old me was sitting next to me and for once I was there for her. For once somebody was there for her when she really needed it. The next thing I know time is slowing down for some reason and I'm the happiest I have ever been in my life. As I was changing his diaper, feeding him, asking him lots of questions (which he actually can answer with a yes or no [at two years old]), teaching him things, looking at his little face. I felt love. Not in a romantic sense at all. But I felt loved and I loved this little boy. I've always loved children but have never been able to recognize it as love. But they did. Every baby I've been around has known this about me and reached their little hands out to me to pick me up. The rest of the night was the most wonderful thing I could ever describe. His parents come home around midnight and him and I are wide awake. His parents come in and he greets them and comes right back to me or at least around me. I've always been stand offish when parents greet their children. I always back away. He noticed that. So his mom asked him if he would like to give me a hug. I get down to his level expecting him not to and then he does. He hugged me for the second time that night. I tell his parents how perfect he was and thank them for the opportunity to be around their child. His father says "Alright, Time for her to go home". Bob looses his mind and clings to my leg crying. His arms and legs are around my leg. He wouldn't let go. He wasn't upset about me leaving but about me not being able to recognize what just happened. He cried so hard because he didn't know for sure if I was going to realize what just happened and was still trying to help me. I've felt emotion today. All day. I've expressed how I feel without trying to guess how other people feel. I learned how to separate myself from my emotions in order to survive the environment I was in as a child up until august. I hope this all was a good read. Haha no, I know this was a good read. You're welcome. Thank you for reading this. Thank you Stefan for what you've done. Thank you to Nathan who listened to me and held my hand all through this. Thank you Bob. You little son of a gun. I can't wait to spend three days around the clock with you babysitting you. I was reborn today. How about you?

I found stefs videos this past September. I was researching facts about spanking because I work in childcare and came upon his "bomb in the brain" series. It really raised my eyebrows. After checking his sources, and taking the test for myself. I started to realize why it is I am this way. It gave me the slap in the face I was looking for. So, I posted a question on the forum and got some really good insight. I'm at the beginning of this journey. I don't know where it's going to take me. All I know is on this forum, I've found nothing but love and kindness. It's shocking really. I didn't know this type of thing existed until now. My hats off to all of you for how far you've come as people. May I, one day, join you.

well...hemp protein is really delicious...that's all I know...

Man, that looks great! Good job.

I agree with self on this one. You need to talk to them about it. I don't think not giving/receiving presents is selfish at all the way you put it. As long as they understand why you feel this way, it should be a non issue.

The system doesn't give a shit about anyone, parent or child. The most broken homes the better in the eyes of the state. And I'm sure I'm misunderstanding the context of this email but it takes both a man and a woman to conceive a child. So both parties are responsible for what happens. If you have a baby with a man or woman, that doesn't intend on raising said child with your beliefs, you better already have 15k in the bank for a custody battle. Your askin for it.

She's a damn funny comedian! Fuck that bullshit though. If I go out with a dude it's 50/50. Equality right?

To answer one of your questions, to become a great student is exactly what you said self control. You have to put aside the time and devotion to study. That means at least 3 hours a day 4x a week (by my standards), and to each his own. You and you only can and will accomplish your greatest goals and aspirations if you apply yourself. If you are lazy in life you will have lazy outcomes. This is one of those things that comes from within yourself. If you dig deep enough you can find the dedication it takes to be the strongest version of yourself. If I can do it, Dammit, so can you. So, take a step in the right direction. Apply yourself.

Dude! Your welcome (for nothing?) really what did I contribute to that comment?, What interested me the most was the bit about insecurity. That's what I picked up on through most of this email. "Understanding my shame" screams that out to me. You also mentioned "trans-humanism" and the "intellectual" movement. Do you feel yourself as someone that needs to be reinvented? That isn't smart enough to your own standards? I could be way off, don't take anything I say as offence.