LooseBrick

.

.

Haven't thought about that because its so embarrassing and past attempts to tell people have been humiliating and enraging. Thanks for the thought though.

Like I said in the OP I tried telling 2 of my closest friends but they weren't very supportive. I saw a video by Stefan Molyneux about 'how to choose a therapist' and he said something that really jolted me out of my apathy and acceptance/rolling over state. He said when you tell some people about embarrassing/disturbing and horrific abuse they won't allow themselves to see the elephant in the room and say, wow that was evil I'm so sorry you had that evil person do that to you. Like they're incapable of accepting it because they're so uncomfortable. And like in 1 case they might even defend the abuser and make excuses and basically say, well it wasn't that bad get over it. But watching that Stefan video really goaded me into deciding that I'm sick of keeping it a secret and holding it in all alone. About my other friends that aren't as close, I don't think I should tell them because I don't want to disrupt those friendships. When I meet them for dinner or to hangout I don't want them to feel uneasy and wondering, 'should I talk to him about it? How messed up is this guy? Do I really want to invite him over for dinner? ' Not something you announce on facebook to your quasi-friends and sorta solid friends to see. I'm basically restricting this information to anonymous people on this forum, my absolute closest friends, and my extended family if I decide to go that route.

It really sucks that I can't tell my friends about my childhood. It would just be way too uncomfortable for everyone. Besides a confidential therapist the anonymous online interactions like this forum are the only place that I can talk about it. That kinda stinks.

No change except that it felt great being able to "talk" about it here on the forum. I might email my aunt and cousin. Not sure. Once I do that there's kinda no turning back.

It's unlikely that I'll tell anyone (outside relatives) about my abuse IRL again.

I'd like to try an shape and encourage what kinds of posts I'm hoping for from you guys. Some of it has already been shared by some posters here. Please help me figure out what's wrong with me. Why can't I establish lasting relationships? Why am I having nightmares? Why am I so paranoid? Etc. If someone could share some terms or ideas or theories from psychology or self knowledge literature I could then go look up those terms and ideas or read those books and self help myself. Example: in a different post someone mentioned cognitive dissonance leading to anxiety. That sounds like me. Not sure.

I know they're kind of crazy but in that 3rd zeitgeist film one of the people interviewed is a therapist that's worked with death row inmates for years. He says the number one predictor of extreme violent behavior is really bad child abuse. So that would kind of go against your idea that 'people that have had more early bad experiences tend to be more easily able to adapt and improve...' Perhaps those guys are just the minority though.

Perhaps other forum members are reticent to post because of liability or just plain conscience concerns. Rest assured I am not suicidal, I'm just really depressed. Also I realize that no advice from anyone here is the same as a licensed professional and I'd treat any tips accordingly. Anyways, to those that posted thanks for your kind words.

There were no problems with the relatives. They have not reached out to me because they have no way of contacting me.

Well I'm worried that if I tell people what happened that my adoptive father will kill himself or something equally horrible. Despite what happened to me I don't want something like that to happen. But still, why should I be unable to enjoy my cousins' and uncles/aunts' love? If I do tell them it's going to be unbelievably awkward. And I think they might not understand why I'm also holding my adoptive mother responsible. To answer that: she knew what was happening and allowed it and in some cases helped or participated. Unbelievably weird people.

I'm sorry for posting this here but I'm unable to afford therapy. Also because of my upbringing I have serious trust issues and I'm too embarrassed to talk to someone in person. I'm hoping this can be a confidential place where I can discuss my problems with other smart adults. I was adopted as an infant. My adoptive father (AF) is a pedophile. My adoptive mother (AM) is a beard and willing enabler. I grew up in the weirdest environment. My parents were never intimate with eachother. I remember they kissed one time in front of me but it was a huge joke. AF wasn't interested in women (or men) whatsoever. Even though AM didn't directly sexually abuse me or do weird things I hold her accountable and complicit in what happened to me. These people, these adults, were entrusted with a baby to raise in good faith. I'm not going to share details but let's just say that my upbringing was very unusual and abnormal. Why didn't I tell the police? Well, by the time I was old enough to realize how weird they were it's like, what do I do? Tell my teachers and the police that I've been living with a pedophile all my life? Give me a new set of parents? It's not an easy thing to do. And of course as I got older AF's despicable actions grew less frequent. One of his favorite delights was grabbing my inner thigh. Pinching and tickling it. Watchout for adults that tickle children that aren't their own. After a football game, hopped into the car. He reached over and grabbed my inner thigh. I told him not to do that anymore. He said, 'Well okay. You said stop so I'll respect that. I won't do that anymore.' What!? Why do I need to tell you that you monster? I have cut myself off from my entire adoptive family, including cousins and aunts and uncles. I feel really bad about not seeing my extended family. Why should I have to stop talking to them because I'm too embarrassed to tell them the truth about my parents? I don't know if I should contact my cousins/aunts now, or wait until my AF passes away. If I wait then my other relatives won't have the choice of confronting him, and they'll be less likely to believe me. If I tell them now there's a possibility that AF will go ballistic and do something horrible. I tried telling some of my best friends about my pedophile AF but it made them too uncomfortable. They deflected the topic or even tried rationalizing excuses for AF's actions. One even tried to make me forgive him and act like nothing happened. I'm 33 years old. I've never had a girlfriend. Everyone thinks I'm in the closet. I have no issue with homosexuals. I have good friends that are gay. I could care less what people do in their own bedroom, assuming they're adults. What I have a problem with are adults that do weird things to children. And if I was gay I would just tell people. I don't think it's anything to be ashamed of. Because I'm so inexperienced with dating and being around women I ruin relationships before they can begin. I'm so awkward or uneasy and it's been ruining friendships that try to spring up. Can you imagine being raised by a pedophile? Baby to adolescent? Being led to believe that your father's weird behavior was normal behavior? Do you think you'd be in a good position to socialize well? Date well? Children learn a lot from their parents directly and indirectly. I never learned some basic things like money/credit, cooking, cleaning, hygiene. And I certainly didn't learn about relationships or dating. How could I learn such things when my parents never showed intimacy with eachother, never went on dates. The closest I came to having a birds and bees discussion was walking in on AF doing gross things with the computer. That's what I learned is normal. Sometimes I doubt myself and think, well I've seen so many movies and tv shows where people date or couple up, why can't I just follow their lead? Well I'd argue that kids really learn lifeskills from their parents and simply watching a movie about it won't 'set in' the way daily observations in your home would. I tried to find my real birth family but there is no information. I'm in so much pain. I've been sad for so long that my tolerance leaves me numb. I have no family. Can't find my birth family, cutoff from my adopted family. I don't know anyone on the planet that shares my blood. I have a few close friends but they all live in different states. I'm alone and lonely. I'm so alone. I have no one. Oh man, there I go. Making excuses and feeling sorry for myself. Gotta fix that. In recent months I've been having unusually vivid nightmares of my adoptive parents. Them chasing me or me living back in their filthy house. Sometimes I wakeup screaming and sweating and hyperventilating. Other times I feel so sad in the dream that I wakeup sobbing.

Hi. This is my first forum so I'm not entirely sure about the rules. I'm here to participate in philosophical discussions on interesting topics, but at the moment I'm seeking help and advice with my traumatic childhood. I want to respect the forum and the rules so if a thread describing my horrific childhood is inappropriate, even in the 'Miscellaneous' sub-section, I will not discuss that on freedomain radio forum. I thought this forum might have smart and empathetic people who could help me analyze and cope with my past abuse. If that is allowed as long as it's in the correct sub-section, please tell me, where should I open that thread? In the Miscellaneous sub section? Thanks