massaki

I first want too thank everyone who posted, your thoughts and feelings have truly reached me. No there was no one to talk to. I live in a black neighborhood and in the community they encouraged both the physical and verbal abuse of children. I even had a principal in middle school constantly talking about how "beating the stupid" out of kids is a virtuous and good thing and the parents cheered her on. I was isolated and the few times i thought of running away or calling child services , my mom scared me out of it, by telling me i would get raped and beaten by who ever takes me in and they will just use me for money. My dealings with the police have never been pleasant. They looked down on me and treated me like shit. I learned how not to get into problems with them by always having my head down when speaking to them, to make sure i stutter and to seem afraid of them to help with their power fantasies, so they wouldn't hurt me or "search" me , like i see they do to other people. My mom called the police on me a few times,usually when i fought back against my cousin, she used them to scare me and then would send them away. One time she tried to punch me and i deflected two of her punches and then she got mad, started screaming and crying saying i hit her and then she called the police on me, but she always sent them away after seeing how afraid of my life i was. I don;t have any friends anymore. Most of them just talking about it most just disappeared on me. Some tried to help me but they were really messed up themselves and as i was going through my transformation to a person, i started asking deeper questions and just being more of me and that was rejected by the ones who stayed. Each time it happened i was destroyed inside, it wasn't like i couldn't see it happening, i could see it but i wanted to ignore it, i didn't want it to be true, Also sorry for the misunderstanding,I can sleep now, that was before i went to college, i feel like she did that to punish me and to make sure i left completely fucked up ,because she gave an eviction notice too, like 2 months before i left for college, among other things. Right now since im not doing anything with my life, she lowers the level of crazy ,but it does still get bad sometimes ,especially if i start showing any signs of taking the initiative in my life. Yes, i want to avoid ass wholes like the last one, i saw the video and I'm already making a list of my question to ask my new therapist. Yea my first step to healing is to get out of the fire. I am also sorry about your situation with the fake helping of losing weight by getting you candy and stuff to eat. It's horrible and mental fucked up to do to a child, its brain twisting. Can you tell me more about how that happened and your feelings on it? I think you may be right about my fear. I fear that i may get a bad boss like my mother or that i will hate my job like my mother and many people i have encountered. Yes the lack of assertion is really evident in many of my interactions in my life.When it came to drugs and sex i had more assertion. I used to get offered weed and other drugs everyday for free and i mostly turned them down. I remember I turning down girls who liked me ,because i knew they would just be problems, because of how they acted. I remember one time when i was scene( its a type of emo but instead of sad and dark you would dress colorful and act hyper) i was at this party and this girl was drunk and crying on the stairs and the other guys were trying to get me to make out with her and i refused and sat down and talked to her, i was laughed at by the guys. So one of them sat down next to her, said a few words and they started making out, i was grossed out honestly. There was a lot of hyper sexuality around me and i rejected most of it. Most of the girls if i didn't answer their sexuality with sexuality, they would get mad at me and not to talk to me anymore, i usually just wanted just talk. I will try the lacrosse balls. I know of that thousand yard stare, and even sometimes i lose track of time and everything seems to be moving too fast or too slow. I did look up Eliot hulse and i did like his videos a lot, so thank you for showing me him. Can you tell me more about your abusive situation that you were in? Could you tell me more about your PTSD? I would like to know more about it and maybe compare what i am experiencing.. If you guys want to know more about my life, just ask me questions and i will answer. I hope that this can help others and i want this to help myself and something for me to come back to, to remind me that there are great caring people in the world and that others have gotten through bullshit like this and i and others can do it too. Thank you everyone who posted ,again thank you.

I feel empty most of the time. I have been this way ever since i first quit college 2 years ago.. I was on focal-in and i almost never slept and when i did i had nightmares, and when i wasn't sleeping i had nightmares. The nightmares were consistent, they were of my uncle beating me and my cousin torturing me and attacking me. They did do these things in real life, my uncle when i was younger and my cousin from when i was younger until i left. My father was never in my life much, one of the few memories i have of him was when i was around 12 and he hit me so hard i flew across the room, i think he was drunk. He came to my house saying he was the police at 12;30 am, i was up late doing homework. He was a brutal person he is 6'5 and i was less than 5 feet tall. My mother didn't really care and i remember when i was in kindergarten she used to get my uncle to beat me for "misbehaving" when i was just defending myself because i was getting picked on for being overweight, they always told me to defend myself ,but when i did they would hurt me for it. When ever i confronted my mother about the beatings, she would act like they never happened by i kept on pressuring her and then she told me to get over it, it was a long time ago, basically telling that it did happen and that she was trying to make me feel crazy for knowing it happened and confronting her on it. Throughout my life my mother would do things to sabotage me , like go on walks with me for exercise and then right after buy me a double cheese burger, with fries, 20pc chicken nuggets and a milkshake, but sometimes she didn't get the milkshake, because that was fattening. After the first time leaving college i applied again and i wanted to go back and she made it her goal to destroy me before i got there, she let my cousin come back to live with us and he tortured me everyday to the point where i couldn't sleep., i was having constant panic attacks and i was just overall losing my mind. I was seeing a counselor btw, he was shit. I was trying to put logic and honesty and just me into my relationships and when they would go sour, because the other person didn't care about me, he would talk me into staying friends with them. He would also tell me to forgive my mom, or if she came in too, if i talked about the things she did to me, he would say" why did you bring her in? Just to beat up on her?" If i didn't have him in my life, i would have been able to recover like i was doing before, but that crap really messed up my head. I stopped seeing him maybe 4 months ago after he was saying maybe i should get medication and when i told him i felt stuck, he recommended me to join the military. The second time i went to school , i think my mom mastered how to make me go insane, she said wouldn't give me the money for my books unless i gave her the full pricing for everything, so that took a week of finding out if i had to buy new or not and pricing from the school store and amazon, then she kept on giving me excuses and stuff, this was until like the 3rd week of school me without all my books, i got some during that period ,but i had so much homework i couldn't do because i needed a new book with a code to do it. Every time i asked her the new book she would scream at me blaming me for the prices of the books, saying if we bought them sooner they would be cheaper and if i bought them used and she just went on and on. I was crying over the phone asking her to stop and just to give me the money for the books. This wasn't a money problem, there are other instances in my life , where i needed something and she would do this to hurt me. I remember wanting a new bike after my cousin stole the parts from my old one, while i was still learning to ride it and she would go off about not having any money, but when i asked for multiple games she would just buy them ,but not a bike, which i wanted to use for exercise. btw she never bought me that bike. I ended up writing her telling her this pattern and what she was doing to me and she made herself out to be the victim and me the abuser, and then i mentioned her blaming me for the price of books over the phone and she told me to get over it, and at that moment i punched my computer and i lost it. I spent several days in a haze. I think that was the first time i felt the wall, that i feel everyday now. it started with showering, then i couldn't study math and then for my timed English essays i had constant panic attacks during , i remember putting all my strength into typing, just one word at a time, i could usually finish them in time, but the essays were a mess, the most i got was 90 at the start of the year and it went downhill to me getting a 65. I ended up failing math and another class. I had two final papers to do and i spent 3 weeks, days and nights trying to write them, having panic attacks and fighting that wall and all i managed to get was a page done , i even got extra time from my teachers and i still wasn't able to finish those papers and pass those classes. As of right now, the wall is gone, but it comes back after doing something else ,and each thing i do is a battle and i lose most of the time, i spent 2 hours on my bed prepping myself to write this. Right now i am currently unemployed ,im 21 and i live with my abusive and sabotaging mother. Every time i try to fill out a job application i feel that wall, and i just cant get past it. I really want to get out of this situation and get my own place, go back to school so i can do neuropsychology and work in a lab setting helping with studies to help people lead better lives. If anyone is in or has been in a similar situation, i would love for advice and if there is anyone who can just help me in some way with advice that will be welcomed