RachelAnn

Hi Boohickey11, Does your gf want to set up a skype call with me? I'll message you my skype handle.

Love that podcast!

Great, sending a message now!

Hey ladies! I am very interested in getting a group of us together for a support group, through messaging, and Skype. It's hard to find quality women for friendships, and I am looking for that in my life. You can post here or shoot me a message if you are interested. Thanks!

Right, giancoli? She has been a great mentor for me.

I'll check it out, thanks!

I wanted to share a great video by Roslyn Ross. I hope you all like it! http://www.atlassociety.org/as/parenting-how-raise-individualist-high-self-esteem

Hi Nigel, I'm sorry to hear about your lack of motivation. I have definitely been there before! Something I have learned about motivation in my own life is this: I need momentum in order to feel good and productive about what I am doing - so that initial action towards my goals is the hardest, but I have found that just doing it without having the battle in your head before hand is key. For example, when I wanted to start going back to the gym, without giving myself the option of turning down that idea in my head, I put all of my exercise clothes and running shoes on, got in the car, drove there, got in front of the treadmill, and then I asked myself if I felt like working out that day, since I was already there, I just said sure why not! After a month of doing that, it just came natural to me, and now I rarely have a day where I underestimate my willpower when it comes to exercising, and on the days that I don't feel like going, I don't have feelings of guilt like I used to. Just working on that area alone has given me extra confidence and motivation which has translated into other areas of my life, with daily routines, and with my business. I don't know if that helps. I can't imagine that staying in your current situation is going to relieve any stress, your discomfort will only grow. Exercising is a good place to start, because you'll produce the endorphins that can act as a defense against your inner critic.

Thank you. And yes, I am getting a lot of experience working one on one with individuals, which helps. Hmm, that's interesting. I am going to look into that. Thanks so much.

Thank you everyone! It's a pleasure to be here. Gausian, what exactly does your wife do?

Hi everyone, I haven't officially introduced myself yet, I'm Rachel from the Los Angeles area. I started to listen to Stef a few years ago, but more consistently over the last year. I feel like I won the lottery by finding FDR at such a young age - I believe that it has saved me from a lifetime of heartache and disappointment. All of my life I searched for rational consistency but couldn't find it anywhere, not in the public school system, not in the mormon church, and definitely not in my relationships. This past year I have really dedicated my time to acquiring more self knowledge and information about my history through therapy, journaling, podcast listening, and browsing these boards. I recently ended a 7 year relationship that I felt was not beneficial for me and my pursuit for philosophy and truth, which was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I am passionate about health and child development- I am currently a health coach, but my dream is to cultivate a career in advocating for peaceful parenting. I see myself working with parents helping them to secure a healthy bond with their children and learn how to connect and negotiate over using control and punitive punishments. FDR has helped me realize how much the world truly needs that, and so I can't let this passion of mine and insatiable hunger for knowledge in the field be wasted. I am eager to start the next chapter of my life by applying these new values and principles to my everyday life and connecting with intelligent, empathetic people like yourselves. I just wanted to tell you a bit about my story before I start posting more on the boards. I really look forward to chatting with you all. To the members I have had the pleasure of speaking to already, thanks for being so awesome. Thanks!

I am so sorry about the abuse you endured. I think that message is powerful and drives the point home. It's wonderful that you are seeking therapy. I would also suggest keeping a journal to recall all of your childhood experiences and thoughts, if you haven't already. Wish you the best.

This is another one by Roslyn that is pretty comical but eye opening.

First of all I commend you for your interest and dedication to peaceful parenting. There are a ton of great resources out there! Here are some great books: Connection Parenting: Parenting Through Connection Instead of Coercion Through Love Instead of Fear, Dear Parent: Caring for Infants with Respect Escape from Childhood: The Needs and Rights of Children Seeing Infants with New Eyes 1,2,3... The Toddler Years: A practical Guide for Parents & Caregivers Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A's, Praise and Other Bribes Bulletin No. 14 by Emmi Pikler Tears and Tantrums: What To Do When Babies and Children Cry Unconditional Parenting: Moving From Rewards and Punishment to Love and Reason The Continuum Concept Raising a Healthy Child in Spite of your Doctor Hope that helps!

I believe so. Here is her blog http://roslynross.blogspot.com/

I think everyone has their own process of "getting to the other side". I am starting to make the necessary changes to move forward and it's the scariest thing I've ever done but I can't stop because the truth has already been revealed to me, and I can't get enough if it. As hard as it is, the dreams I have for the future and the relationships that I can envision are pushing me through .

That's powerful. I can relate to having that same exact moment of realization, and it's extremely painful. Thanks for posting!

I am so down.

So sorry about your brother Ivan. I have been noticing this a lot lately with grandparents and the elderly. I actually got into a conversation with my mother about my fathers family. All of the women married abusive men and allowed abuse in the home with their children. I was trying to get to the bottom of this, and was asking my mother how my father's parents contributed to the dysfunction. My mother swore that the home was happy and everyone was always happy and singing. She said that all of the women who married into abuse were "naive" and "too trusting" because they were loved so much. God forbid my sweet old grandparents would have ANY accountability for this. I also see this in a friends family with the grandparents, they are so cherished and praised, for having raised 5 children through tough times, yet all of the children are severely fucked, overweight, controlling, abusive, and so on. It infuriates me!!! It's like they get to a certain age and they are debt free from any kind of responsibility for the lives they have hurt and destroyed. I'm calling shenanigans.

You are not being annoying, I am happy to share. I'm guessing by "come out" you mean being violent. He started to hit me when I was 5 and he was 9. We did live together with our parents at the time. My reaction was different than most would expect. I would hold my ground and go along with it at first because I wanted to impress him by being tough. It usually led to me crying out for my mother, who would stop him. He might have gotten a time - out or punished, but it didn't stop him because he was being spanked on the side for other non-compliance issues and had pent up aggression. My father was always working and was only called to discipline when it was really bad. It happened probably about a few times a month. I remember him banging my head against the ground by my hair, and sometimes he would just wrestle with me and was little too rough. My brother found FDR and confronted my parents about the violence and also apologized to me. We had already fixed our relationship and were close when he apologized though. All you can do is just be really honest with your sister if you want a relationship with her. If you are nervous about it, sometimes writing a letter is best. Best wishes! That's good that she is doing well. It sounds like you would like a better relationship with her still. Don't be afraid to open up to her and also ask her about her life. If my brother decided to never get to know me better I would have never been introduced to the wonderful world of philosophy. A great relationship between siblings is a beautiful thing. We are able to share and process our childhoods together. So I would say push for that. I hope that helps.

That was powerful, thanks for sharing. I am so sorry about the disgusting abuse from your parents. I don't really have much to say other than I know what it's like to be on the receiving end. My brother 4 years older than me used to physically attack me all the time. I have memories of him beating my face against the floor by my hair. He was a very smart, energetic kid who challenged my parents often and would get spanked for it. He then took all his frustration and aggression out on me. After he became an avid FDR listener a few years back he has apologized profusely to me. It is sickening how parents can turn their children on each other by their careless acts. Now my brother is my greatest influence and supporter. I don't blame him for the damage he has done, I place the blame on my parents for not nurturing who he was as a child and turning him against me, his innocent little sister who always looked up to him. Have you talked to your sister about this?

I really appreciate Dr.Holden's studies on spanking, yelling, ect. I was a little shocked when he said that timeout's are effective for young preschoolers (in podcast #2719). I have to disagree with that. It teaches the child to repress their feelings and learn to deal with anxious thoughts in an unhealthy manner. Young preschooler's do not have the capacity to "think about what they have done" in a rational way, in fact I think it's quite neglectful. Did anyone catch that or have any thoughts on it? In an article from "The Natural Child Project" by Dr. Peter Haiman states: "For the frustrated and uncomfortable child, time-out offers enforced silence and the feeling of being rejected by one's parents. A youngster who misbehaves and then is given time-out feels hurt. This hurt, combined with the frustration that caused the youngster to misbehave, gives birth to anger. And discipline practices like time-out, which create hurt and anger, can harm a child. A serious cost of being given time-out in childhood is the lesson that one should bottle up uncomfortable emotions. Upset in time-out and unable to express distressing feelings, youngsters desperately need to stop the painful feelings going on inside them. To cope, children learn to ignore and/or distract themselves from the energy of their hurt and angry feelings. Thus, children learn to repress their painful feelings. In the process, nervous habits emerge such as thumb sticking, fingernail biting, hair pulling, skin scratching, tugging at clothes, self-pinching, and many other similar behaviors. The purpose of these behaviors is to ward off uncomfortable feelings and, in identification with their parents' criticism of them, to punish themselves. These defense strategies serve to release anger and ignore uncomfortable feelings. As a result, being unaware of true feelings can often become a characteristic feature of a person's life. This reduces a person's self-awareness and can affect the quality of life throughout an entire lifetime." Here is the article.http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/peter_haiman.html Thanks!

Thanks Joel, I really appreciate it. You're right about it being hard to see. It has taken me a year of trying to remember the blur of my childhood that was supposedly "happy" when I knew something was terribly off. I hope that having more clarity will help me get more in tune with my authentic self without the shame and insecurities. I will be journaling a lot. I have a ways to go. I am also very sorry for the abuse that was inflicted upon you. I am grateful for you sharing your story and inner thoughts. Shem, That is horrendous stuff. I am so sorry you had to go through all of that. Thank you for sharing.

They predict that as many as one in three children will have diabetes by 2050.