SamtheSinger

Thank you!

Have you ever recorded the thoughts for any length of time? Maybe it's like a dream which seems to make no sense, but when you record them for weeks or longer you might start to get some insight into what your subconscious is bringing up.

**I feel it's only fair to warn you that I talk about some really upsetting things in this topic** In the last couple weeks I feel like my whole world has been shattered. I started listening to FDR podcasts about 2 weeks ago and I noticed that I would sometimes get really angry during a show, but then it would disappear and I couldn't tell why I was upset, or what I was upset about. I would re-listen to whole shows and I couldn't find the thing that I got triggered by. I heard Stefan asking people about their childhood, and I thought it was kind of odd that I didn't really remember much about my own childhood. The more I looked, the more I realized that I was drawing blanks. Then I heard him ask someone something like "When you were young, did people delight in your presence?" and I spent almost an hour with "NO" on my lips. Like I couldn't say anything else, and every time it came out it just got louder. I was in the car screaming "NO NO NO!" feeling like I was crazy. I started journaling and that got intense. It was like someone else was writing for me, like there's voices in my head, which if I'm honest, makes me feel like a crazy person. I kept trying to remember what happened to me as a child. I knew that I was spanked because I remembered my parents talking about how they decided to stop hitting my brother and me, but I couldn't remember the spanking. Then I remembered the belt. I remembered being hit with the metal end of the belt and how much it hurt, and as I was writing that down something in my head was screaming "That's a lie!" and then I wrote so big it took up half the page "IT's NOT A LIE!" All these memories started coming to me in bits and pieces, but I still feel like there's so much I can't see. "Why can't I remember?" I wrote, then I filled a page with "It's not safe! You'll get angry!" over and over and over again. Well I'm already f@@@@@ng angry! I tried to write about my dad, and I drew a blank. I can't figure out who's telling me, but someone in my head keeps telling me that it's not safe. I can't seem to stay angry with him. I've remembered some things about him that are awful, and I've written some really angry statements about him, but they hold almost no weight for me now. It's like I don't remember writing them, or how I felt at the time. I called my older sister and asked her if she remembered anything about my childhood that could help me shed some light on this, and she told me horrifying stories about how he used to beat me so hard you could see the hand prints on me for days. How he used to scream at me "Don't you bloody move!" (which explains why I'm completely paralyzed in the face of physical violence). She told me of the sexual abuse that happened, and it brought back so many memories of people abusing me as I grew up. If you had asked me 3 weeks ago, "What's your dad like?" I would have told you about what a wonderful kind man he was, and how much I loved him, and hoped I could be as good as he is. Now I feel like that has been shattered and he's been exposed as the monster he truly is, and I don't want that to be true! I wan't my big huggable dad back! I realized today that I'm grieving the loss of that man as if he had died. He can never be the same, and I don't know if there's anything he could do that would have me feel safe around him, or love him again. It's a similar story with my mom, but I feel like I knew she was a mess, and I've just found more evidence. It's still upsetting, but it's not the jaw dropping shock that finding out about my dad has been. I feel awful, and I don't know how to just get through a day without falling apart all over everybody. I have found a therapist, but I can't get in to see her for over a week, and that feels like it may as well be years from now! I've been falling apart all over my wife every night, and she has been incredible, but it's definitely wearing on our relationship. I don't think it's fair to dump this on her, but I feel like I've opened up a flood gate and I don't know how to close it. How do I make it through the next couple weeks?!?

Nathan Diehl, thank you! I cannot express how much this has helped me in the past few days! I'm really getting some insight into things, I'll share more later when I'm not on a mobile.

Hi RuralRon, Thanks for the Welcome! I have the same experience with failure sometimes, though I have made progress in that area. I'll look into the book you mentioned, thanks for the suggestion! MMX2010 I was just looking for the podcast, but I was listening to youtube videos. There are two that stood out I'm Addicted to Helplessness! Testosterone Based Parasites I felt a stirring feeling during both of them, but when I listen to them again I don't find much that stands out to me, except for one part in the testosterone based parasites video where the woman Stef is talking to says "I just feel kinda lost". That part just leaves me feeling a deep sadness, but only for a moment. I have listened to it several times, and I get no more insight into why it bothers me.

Hello everyone, I recently joined FDR, and this is my first post. I've been listening to several of the podcasts, and I keep getting these snippets of upset that seem to just brush by me. It's like for a split second I want to just cry, but then right away I can't connect with it, or even understand why. I have some major repressed anger that I'm a little afraid of to be honest, but I feel like I don't know where to start looking. I feel like there is a lake of black liquid anger just waiting to rise up out of me, but I can't seem to connect with why it's there, or even where it it inside me. I have done some significant work on myself over the years, and I'm open to introspection. I don't think I'm afraid to look in any areas of my life, but that might just be a story. I have experienced abuse growing up, and I have been to therapy, and thought I had resolved it, but sometimes when I listen to Stefan talking to people about their parents abuse, I get angry. Then it's gone, almost as if it was never there, and I couldn't tell you what I was angry about. I look to see if there are things that I'm still unresolved about with my childhood, but I haven't seen anything yet. What I'm asking for here is direction. If you have sources or techniques that have helped you or others discover these kind of hidden emotions, I would be so grateful to hear about them! Thanks in advance for any input you share with me, Sam