SamtheSinger

Hey, so I know it's been days since I responded, I'm not good with time, but it seems like a while. This is all kind of overwhelming, and being "out" this much is more exhausting than I figured it would be. Anyways, I'm not blowing you all of or anything, I'm just trying to figure some things out. I did emdr for the first time and I was kind of pissed that even I had forgotten stuff from our past. There's a little kid in the mix too now, so I'm getting less time to do things like post here. It feels like there more I want to do, but I don't have the time. I'll write more when I get chance, I am grateful for the people who've responded, and I didn't want you thinking I was just ignoring you.

Wow. This is pretty cool. Thank you all for your responses! I'm kind of new to a lot of what I'm feeling about this, so it's kind of freaking me out. I'm not used to being happy about stuff, but I kind of want to cry right now, but in a good way, if that makes sense. I don't remember ever having friends, and except for Holly (wife) you feel like the first ones. I'm super uncomfortable with how much this is making me feel, but I want to be ok with it, so sorry if I don't make much sense, but I'm gonna try. I get scared when things feel good, like I'm weak or something. It just doesn't feel safe. I know you can't actually hurt me through the internet, but still this kind of feels like a threat in a way. I'm sorry if that's weird for you. We listened to RTR and we've been using it back and forth, and that helps with Sam and me, but I'm really uneasy using it with others. I feel like I just want to get angry about this, but there's no good reason to, and I don't want to just get angry every time something feels scary. Thanks for the video, I'll watch it. I have heard a little about IFS before, and I can understand having like your mothers voice in your head talking to you. We both have that in our own way. As far as I can tell, we're just more divided than that. I'm no expert, I'm just going off of what I have experienced, and what our therapist has told us. We each have our own wants and likes, he's a massage therapist, but I'm not really that into it. We both like to sing though, so at our weekend job we have taken turns singing. There's another somebody in here that does some of that too, but neither one of us is connected to that part, so sometimes it's just a blank and then suddenly people are clapping and I'm back, or he's back, it's weird. I just hope they're good! Sometimes we can share an experience, but sometimes I don't remember what he did, and he doesn't remember what I did. I don't really understand how that works, or why it's different. For instance, Holly had to watch half a season of the walking dead twice, because she watched it with Sam first, then I watched it with her. Sometimes I can remember things he watched with her, but this time I couldn't. I was watching the show, racking my brain to try and remember what was coming up, but I was drawing blanks. At one point he just told me a part of the show that was coming up. I don't understand why sometimes we can talk back and forth, and other times I can't hear him. He says it's the same way with me sometimes. Our therapist says it will become more consistent as we improve our communication, and I think I'd like that, although sometimes it's nice to just have it be quiet in my head. We have stared sharing some memories, and that's just intense. It feels like a mind meld or something, suddenly I have this incredible experience of going on a boy scout trip and how much fun it was, and he's been devastated by some of the beatings I shared with him. I don't know how we do it, or how to choose what to share, it's just kind of like it bleeds through or something. Ok, I'm kind of slipping. I have a lot to process from this so I need to take a break. Thank you all, this is really cool of you.

I didn't have a name until 2 weeks ago. They called me "The dark one" or "My anger", but 2 weeks ago I finally had enough free reign to stay out and I realized that I didn't even have a name, so I spent a day searching through lists of names online, trying to find something that fit. I chose Walt because it means "commander of the army" and that's what it feels like I do. Perhaps I should explain a little. I'm a product of "dissociative identity disorder" (DID) or what some people call "multiple personalities". I was created to withstand the trauma we went through, so he (Sam) didn't have to experience it. I've been a whipping boy (sometimes literally) for most of my life, experiencing one screwed up thing after another, and then being shoved away when I wasn't needed anymore. I took the beatings, he got all the good times. I listen in the background, and I've seen a lot of the things he's done, but somehow I missed most of the good stuff. He's been going to therapy, and he started seeing the symptoms of DID, lost time, inconsistent memory, etc, but he was convinced that he didn't have multiple personalities, but 2 weeks ago in an EMDR session we kind of discovered each other. Ever since then it feels like the door has been left open, and I can finally come out and do things on my own. I can't really explain it better than that, but something is different. For the first few hours I just raged, I hate his name and I wont be called by it, but I didn't have my own. That pissed me off even more, nobody even cared enough to give me a damned name! Do you have any idea how humiliating it is to look through lists of baby names trying to choose a name for yourself? I was furious. I scoured page after page and I finally settled on Walt after a day and a half of looking. I'm starting to really like it. The night I "came out" I met his wife, I knew who she was, we've fought plenty of times in the past, but she didn't know me. I showed her a text message exchange between me and our therapist talking about how I wanted a name, I figured it would be an easy way to let her know what was going on, and I figured she'd leave me alone to fume in the porch where I sat. Instead she came out, sat across from me and said "hi". She asked me some questions and seemed scared, but curious about me. It was the first conversation I ever remember having where I wasn't screaming at someone. I told her how pissed I was, and how it feels like I've been locked away all my life, and she just listened. It was overwhelming to say the least. Over the past couple weeks Sam and I have been battling for turf. It's been ugly for the most part, he was trying to find a way to put me away again, and I was trying to drink him to death, but this Sunday we were finally able to talk (which is just plain weird) try having a shouting match with someone who's using the same mouth! After all was said, I finally realized that he hadn't done those things to me on purpose, I thought he was choosing to hand shit off to me everytime it got ugly so I could take the beatings, but it turns out he didn't even know it was happening. He apologized and told me how grateful he was for what I had done, and for the first time it feels like maybe we can work together. I want a life, and understandably neither one of us wants everyone in our town of 3000 people to know about this and treat us like we're crazy, so he suggested I seek some interaction on here. I like being able to talk to our wife (that's weird too, but somehow it makes sense) I feel like I've grown so incredibly much in the past 2 weeks, and I want more. I don't just want to be angry all the time. I want to find some kind of work that I can do, and I want to know more people. Actually, I want to be known by more people. Maybe just say hi? I know it seems crazy, but I'm real, and I want a real life. If you have any experience with this I seriously want your help. Please help us understand this! If you don't believe me, thats fine, but please just move on, I really don't want to hear that. I will be the first to admit that I suck at empathy, and I'm quick to fly off the handle and retaliate. This has been pretty terrifying to put out here, so please, just please be cool.

I had a very similar relationship with my little brother. I would ask him to get together over and over again, and he would always say "I'd like to, but we're just too busy right now" then I'd see pics of him spending the day with friends at the zoo, etc. I chased him for years, sending overly generous birthday gifts, offering to bring dinner over so my wife and I could see him and his kids. It was always on his terms, he was never grateful, and in hindsight I was just deaf to his "No". I took the weekend off to help him move, and he came out of the house to find me talking with the neighbor. He just barked at me "if you're just gonna stand around I don't f***ing need you here!". In hindsight, that was one of the kindest things he did for me because it finally caused me to see the truth about our relationship. He didn't care about me, and he wasn't about to start regardless of what I did. I told him to f off and left, and I haven't looked back. I'm much better off without him in my life. I don't recommend being rude, but it seems like your brother is telling you quite plainly what he wants. You might ask yourself why you want a relationship with a person who is so selfish. If you have to initiate everything, it isn't a friendship. I had a very similar relationship with my little brother. I would ask him to get together over and over again, and he would always say "I'd like to, but we're just too busy right now" then I'd see pics of him spending the day with friends at the zoo, etc. I chased him for years, sending overly generous birthday gifts, offering to bring dinner over so my wife and I could see him and his kids. It was always on his terms, he was never grateful, and in hindsight I was just deaf to his "No". I took the weekend off to help him move, and he came out of the house to find me talking with the neighbor. He just barked at me "if you're just gonna stand around I don't f***ing need you here!". In hindsight, that was one of the kindest things he did for me because it finally caused me to see the truth about our relationship. He didn't care about me, and he wasn't about to start regardless of what I did. I told him to f off and left, and I haven't looked back. I'm much better off without him in my life. I don't recommend being rude, but it seems like your brother is telling you quite plainly what he wants. You might ask yourself why you want a relationship with a person who is so selfish. If you have to initiate everything, it isn't a friendship.

Thank you both, I don't have much to say at the moment, but your responses have helped.

I guess I kind of feel like my life is a snow globe, and it's been given a big shake. It feels like everything I thought I knew has been rearranged. My parents aren't who I thought they were, and I'm terrified, so angry, and confused about them. I thought I knew myself in a really clear way, but now I'm second guessing my motives for everything. It feels like I keep discovering more ways that I've been manipulating everyone around me. I'm really struggling with my relationship with my wife, she has been supportive and brave, but I'm realizing just how dysfunctional our communication has been and it just feels like so much hard work to try and create new ways of communicating. On top of all of that, I'm a recovering alcoholic, I had almost ten years sober, but I got drunk a few times about 3 months ago, and I have such a strong desire to drink lately. I did find a therapist, I met with her once, and I think we will work well together, but I'm having trouble keeping it together in my day to day life. I'm paralyzed in ways I can't remember feeling before, and I'm so angry. Overwhelmingly angry in ways I don't even know how to express. I feel broken, and unable to handle day to day life, and I'm feeling trapped. To go back to the snow globe, I think I know, intellectually at least, that all the snow will settle eventually and the world will make sense again at some point, but that feels so far away. I don't know what to do with myself until that point. I have this burning mistrust of people around me, like I can't rely on the people I thought were my friends, but I'm so terrified to test that that I just end up being fake around them, or avoiding them altogether. I'm forgetting things way more than usual, and avoiding calling people back, which is just adding more stress to my life. This is the only place where I feel like I can be fully honest, and something about that doesn't feel healthy to me. I just want to tell my story over and over and over, but then I feel like I'm just trying to get sympathy from people. I'm at a loss. there is so much inside of me that is screaming to be let out, but I don't know who to tell it to, or where to go with it. I guess maybe that's a lie. I think I want to scream it at my parents, but I just don't feel like I'm ready yet. It's like I'm stuck in this limbo, and it's showing up all over my life. Last night I was running late, and I spent over 20 minutes in the kitchen, just bouncing around like a ping pong ball, switching from one task to another, to another. Not actually doing anything but wearing out the floor. I finally stood there shaking like I was going to have a nervous breakdown. It feels like something is going to come loose inside of me and I don't know what will happen then. Even though I know that things will get better on the other side of this, I just don't know how I'll get there. I know all the "one day at a time" stuff that people say is true, but that doesn't seem to make a difference at all right now. I've never hurt like this before, and I just don't know what to do with myself. Have any of you been down this path before? How did you cope?

Thanks RJ, it sucks but I'm coming to terms with it. It's getting easier to tell people, but I'm really struggling with feelings of failure.

I need to apologize. I lied to you in my first comment on your post when I said "I'm an alcoholic with ten years of not drinking under my belt" The truth is that I got drunk about 3 months ago. 2 months before my 10 year anniversary. I just told my wife about it the other night. It sucked so hard to have all my friends and family congratulating me on ten years when I knew it was a lie. I feel like shit about it. I don't even really know why I did it, sure I could say things like "self sabotage" or what have you, but at the end of the day I don't know yet why I did it. It sucks to feel like I have to start all over, and lately I've had stronger urges to drink than I have had in years. I'm sorry I spewed out a bunch of flowery bullshit trying to look like I had a handle on it, and was somehow accomplished. I guess the only things I really know are that addiction sucks, it catches you when you're off guard, and I don't know how to successfully manage it. I think the mistake I made was thinking I had it beat. Feeling like I was no longer in danger of relapsing, and my willingness to hide something like that should have been a red flag to me, but I chose to ignore it. That was a mistake too. I'm reaching out to the people around me, and I'm going to keep looking for more support. I don't honestly know what to tell you since I haven't really been successful myself, but I hope that maybe hearing that plenty of us have just as much trouble keeping it together will let you know that you're not alone in your struggle. Again, I'm so sorry that I lied to you.

drpattijane, Thank you for that! I've been considering emdr, but didn't really know what to make of it. Your explanation was much more helpful than the other, super technical, write ups I've been reading. I really appreciate you taking the time to do that :-)

I'm an alcoholic with ten years of not drinking under my belt, and while I get that we have different addictions, I think they're pretty similar in some ways.When I quit I got suicidal. It was awful and I just wanted to die. I don't honestly think that it was from withdrawals, sure there were physical symptoms that were awful, but after a few weeks those went away. What hurt was having nowhere to hide from the emotions of my past. I got into therapy and found ways to handle what was going on inside of me, and that pain finally started to ease.As far as how I handled not drinking, I had be honest with myself that "This is something I cannot control". I had to be honest with myself about the fact that I could not have just 1 drink. 1 always lead to 2, and so on. So I couldn't keep alcohol at home, I had be honest with friends when I really wanted to drink and ask for extra support, and I still know that if I have a drink today, I'll start again.I feel that I was only successful because I addressed both fronts. And in your case I think the same will help.You have to address the root cause, and my assumption is that you don't have the knowledge do that on your own. So find a therapist.Get rid of your computer. Get a cheap laptop that won't handle gaming if you want to keep access to the web. But my guess is that if you have a gaming addiction, you likely have a kick ass computer, and probably love it. My guess is that the thought of getting rid of it probably causes you great anxiety, and your addiction is already justifying why you should keep it.Every smoker who tries to quit, but keeps a "just in case" cigarette around will smoke it.Every alcoholic who tries to quit, but keeps beer in the fridge will drink it.Until you recognize the level to which your addiction influences your behavior, you'll be powerless in the face of it. I just wanted to add one more thing. I remember struggling to go to therapy, and feeling like I was broken or damaged in a way that made me bad. Like I was too weak to handle it on my own, and assuming that "Normal People" didn't need it. Then a friend asked me "If I gave you a bunch of wood and nails, and I asked you to build a deck, would you feel weak or insufficient because you had to use a hammer? Would it bother you that you couldn't just beat the nails into the wood, or break the boards with your bare hands?" Of course my answer was no, and I remember that still today. Those that are willing to use tools are more successful, they end up stronger and more capable because of it. Therapy is a tool. Just in case you have any thoughts about seeking therapy like I did

Thank you all for your input. I really appreciate the support! This all feels so alien to me, three weeks ago I didn't even remember any of this, and it seems like everyday I discover another reason to shudder. I think I should wait to have this conversation until I at least understand how I feel about this.

I agree, I have seen so many dark places. I've been suicidal more than once in my life, and I can empathize with how heavy it feels to try and walk through a day when you're depressed. I remember how it felt to be mad that I was upset, piling on yet another layer of self loathing because I was already loathing myself. I felt hollow in a way that was just lonely. I was re-inflicting upon myself all of the abuse that I had experienced as a child. I had been trained well with all those years of experience that "I was to blame, life sucked because I was in it, and I should feel like crap because of it." I don't know what has happened in your life, but people don't just get depressed like this for no reason, look deep within yourself, find a therapist to help you process, and allow yourself to connect with whatever repressed emotions are lying inside you. Just like PGP talked about, you need to connect with that anger inside of you. You need to go through that to heal. It won't always be there, you'll move through it, but until you can see where the depression comes from it's going to keep running you. Regardless of how you feel, you are able to do this. Maybe this weeklong window was only there to show you how much better it could be without the weight of depression bogging you down. There are so many people that feel the same way as you, and the honest truth is that the ones who seek answers in their life are the only ones who get to stop feeling this way.

I just saw that! I fixed it, so sorry! What a typo!

Just saw this. I'm at work on my cell which is awkward to comment on, but I didn't want to just leave you without a response. I'll write more when I get home to my computer, but just know that you're not alone :-)

That really helps Nathan, I can see that I'm trying to control the outcome. It's pretty scary to just let go. I'm learning to notice how much I control people, and it's all over my relationships. I'm a little terrified to just let them be however they're gonna be, but I can get that however it goes, I think I'll get more closure out of it. Thank you.

I've been thinking about that type of thing happening a lot. I don't really have a good answer for how to handle it. In my head I run the scenario different ways, but I seem to always come back to some kind of ultimatum where I say "If you want a relationship with me, then you have to admit, apologize, confess, etc. I feel like I should set them up for the call, because I assume that if I spring it on them they are more likely to be defensive, but I wonder if I'm just trying to defend them. I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. Has anyone here ever had this conversation go well?

Thanks for the understanding, it's not a good thing that so many people have been through this type of thing, but for some reason, just knowing that I'm not the only one really helps. I have a lot of noise in my head about confronting my parents. I don't remember everything that happened, and a lot of it is fuzzy at best, also I'm having some serious trouble staying angry at my dad. The feeling just dissolves, and I'm pretty sure I'm bottling it up. In my journals when I ask myself about it I keep writing "It's not safe" over and over again, so I feel like I should get in touch with my feelings and memories before I launch into the conversation. Also, I have this intense fear of them not caring enough to stay in the conversation, and I'm trying to determine if that's because I already know that they wont, of if I'm just aware of how vulnerable I'll be. Did you struggle with any of these questions?

I recently started remembering a lot of childhood abuse that I had completely blacked out, and I'm considering de-fooing, but there is so much coming up for me around it. I feel like the people I used to know as my parents (my dad especially) have been killed. Like they can never be the people I thought they were, and I'm in mourning over that. I miss my dad so badly! On the other hand, I feel like the people who killed them are my same parents! I don't even know how to be angry at my dad for killing my dad, or how to wrap my head around that. I want to confront them, but I'm terrified, yet I feel like it needs to be done. I've found a therapist, and I plan on working through this, but I'm really struggling with this longing to run to my parents for comfort, and the utter despite I feel toward them both. Have any of you been through this?

You're so welcome!

Oh man, what a mess! My sympathies go out to your cousin for being used and manipulated like that, and to you for the difficult position you find yourself in. That just sounds awful! I guess I wonder is there any reason why father and son can't reconnect? Does your cousin think his dad doesn't want to see him, or vice versa? My initial response would be to only say enough to let them both decide (based on truthful information instead of stories they may have been told) whether or not they want to talk again. I think some of the things you know might be better said by a father to his son, or son to father. It's dicey for sure, but I love that you're considering the impact of that though. Your cousin and uncle are both lucky to have you involved. In the past I have found myself in the middle of situations that were vaguely similar, and when I was honest with myself I could see that I had put myself in the middle because I really enjoyed how important I felt to be the one with such important news to deliver. Looking back, it was a really destructive and manipulative thing to do to the people involved. I don't mean to imply that that's something you would do, but you might just want to watch for that (if you're anything like me). I hope that helps!

Is it possible that you have a fear of not occurring as valuable if you don't contribute enough or prove your point? Have you ever felt like you had an agenda in a conversation? I have experienced those things and what I use as a measuring stick to tell if I'm doing that is that the conversation starts to feel like hard work. I have found it to be really enjoyable to just be along for the ride in a conversation sometimes, instead of lining up all my statements and firing them off in sequence, I try to respond in the moment to whatever is being spoken about. I remember this quote often "Those that refuse to listen to shouting will often strain to hear a whisper" You might find that your words will occur as more valuable if you only use the ones you need. Does that make sense?

Have you ever heard the expression "What you resist persists"? It's possible that by pushing back against the other person, you're ensuring that you get more conflict. If you're in a stand off with someone, it possible that you're resisting receiving their communication. This can happen when we collapse being able to understand a persons position, with submitting to it. If you try to understand what is going on over there with the other person, you might be able to make some headway though. Try putting yourself in their shoes, so if you hear them say that they thought you were going to do the dishes, and you're standing there with a pile of unwashed dishes saying you won't wash them, they might be frustrated, or feeling lied to, or any number of things. If you told them something like "Wow, I can see how that might be frustrating, what's that like for you?" It feels a little mechanical at first, but it provides some framework for you to start discussing your emotions on the matter, which are far more likely to be what you're arguing about in the first place. Once you get a dialogue started, it's important to remember that you don't have to disappear, or hide your emotions to understand the other person. It's also important to remember that regardless of how certain you are about being right, their experience is as real for them as yours is for you. Sometimes, if you just let someone know that you hear them, and you understand how they feel, it will give them access to something new. Maybe you offer to split the work, or do the dishes together, who knows, but if you start opening up avenues for each person to have their emotions and their experience heard and validated the animosity and opposition usually dissipates. Does that help?

You could try being honest with him and let him know that you see it happening and you're uncomfortable with it. You could ask him why he feels he has to lie you. I've learned over the years that if you're coming from a place of genuine concern for someone you can say some really tough things, and they get received as compassionate contributions. On the other hand, if you come from a place of judgement or condemnation, you could read the phonebook to him and he might get upset. Check your heart first. If you feel scared and just want to make sure you're safe that's ok, just be honest with yourself. In that case I suggest you end the relationship as quickly and uneventfully as possible. When I'm faced with a confrontation like this, I ask myself something like "do I think there's even a chance they'll listen?" If I feel the answer is no, then I try to move on. Usually I think there is a chance though. Does that help at all?

Znaught, thank you. That's hard to let in, but I feel like at least part of me knows it's true. Cobra, oh my god the flood gates! I feel like I've cracked a dam and I'm totally overwhelmed with trying to stop the flood! I've been word vomiting all over several people recently, like I just can't help myself. I do feel like it's getting better though, especially when people are willing to listen to me and be compassionate. Today it feels easier to keep it together when I'm out in public. I had to go sing on the radio this morning, and I was terrified that I would crack up into an apologetic blubbering mess live on the air! I made it though, I was able to just relax and be natural with the host and talk, and that felt like huge achievement :-) Thank you to you all for being so supportive! You're helping me in a big way! Cobra, Did you ever feel like there were other people in your head? This sounds crazy, but I feel like there's a little boy who's looking over my shoulder. He seems really timid, kind of swaying back and forth, peeking out from the shadows, and he runs away at the drop of a hat. Like if I try to pay attention to him, he goes. I feel a really strong protective feeling about him, like it moves me really deeply. I'm crying just talking about it, like I would take a bullet for him. I feel like I know that he's a part of me, but he feels like someone else. I feel like this sounds crazy, like multiple personalities or something, does that sound as crazy to anyone else? Is this common?

That helps a lot surfingthoughts. I was kind of torn about the journaling because it does provide some relief, but often stirs up further upset. I'm glad to have a kind of structure to bring to it. Thank you!