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There was an awful lot of enabling in my family, that's for sure. I can understand why my situation is difficult to empathise with because it was such a weird and awful situation that even I have had and still have trouble understanding it. It was so messed up that I spent most of my life trying to nomalise their behaviour and make excuses for my parents. Yet I felt a lot of grief and anger probably because I knew I was only fooling myself. And then I found a good therapist and Stefan Molyneux, both of them gave me the right language and the confidence to express myself. DEFOO UPDATE: Friday I attempted to go to the post office and send the letters. As soon as I got a couple of meters near the entrance, my anxiety went through the roof and I started feeling nauseous. I walked away and looked for distractions to calm down. I walked back again and I felt even worse and did my best to suppress an anxiety attack (I've had 4 in my life time as far as I'm aware) so I walked away again. I ended up buying cigarettes (I'm trying to quit and find a healthier way to deal with stress) and sat outside in the sun to calm down. I started sending messages to my boyfriend, who was at work, telling him how I felt. He offered to do it with me after he finished work. And so together we walked to the post office. He squeezed my hand but I couldn't stop shaking. I managed to shove two letters at the lady behind the counter and asked to pay for registered post (where the recipient has to sign for it) and she popped them into the post box me. So I did it. I officially DeFOO'd.

You could also argue that because you went through similar horrors that that child is going through, you understand and empathise with the sheer terror of being physically abused by a parent like that. I really wish there were people like Joel around when I was a kid. The world needs more people like you, Joel.

Matthew, that is so incredibly kind of you. The amount of empathy and love I have received after such a short time on this forum puts a wonderfully warm feeling in my chest (literally). It's an incredible feeling That's a very good way of avoiding any more hurt and grief from your extended family. I live in another country but my family might be able to figure out where I work. I've specified in my letter that they are not to contact me and if they come to my work or home that I won't hesitate to get a restraining order. I'm also relying on the fact that my family are generally very lazy, feckless people

Thank you so much for the videos, drkmdn. They were really informative and Mackler gives some sound advise of what to expect. However, I'm not DeFOOing in hope that my parents would show me love. I've come to realise that my parents never really loved me and the idea that they could is just so alien. What I hope for is that I never hear from them again, but how they react is still something I'm not entirely sure of.

Hi guys, Sorry for not giving any updates for a while - life has been a bit hectic! I decided to write a letter to my parents and did it as part of my therapy by trying to connect with my feelings. My therapist has told me that I've made a breakthrough in my therapy and I feel quite proud of myself. It amazes how much I've changed within the past year. The letter in question will be sent this week. I'm not completely sure how I will react when I try to post those letters (one for each parent - an attempt to reach my father if my mother doesn't get a chance to hide it). I might feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders or maybe I'll freak out. It's hard to tell but either way, it's something I really want to do. I would still love to call into the show but I've no idea what to ask as a main question

Thanks, Zosha. I think a letter would be enough and I would be happy never seeing or hearing from them again, but my therapist made a point that physically standing up to my abusers could be very helpful and healing. She's not trying to convince me on either side but more that she wants me to consider what's best for me and what would give me the most closer. Thanks very much, Bryndomus. I think I've already decided that if I choose to write a letter, that I will send it. I know my mother will probably hide it from my dad but at least that if I am to send it, I know I had the strength to do it, and that's good enough for me Hi, Matt D. and thank you very much. I'm really not used to such empathy that it's almost overwhelming At this very moment I am certain that I no longer want contact with my family. I never considered the option of sending a short message about taking a break from the family but I'll keep it in mind. I'm seeing my therapist this Friday so if anything interesting happens, I'll be sure to let you all know.

As someone who has been attending cons for about a decade and was on a anime con committee for two years as well as volunteering and doing a few panels, I think furries are a very misunderstood group. I'm no furry myself, it's not something for me, but I've met and know people who are into this. For some it's just harmless fun and they enjoy creating and drawing characters and sharing their creativity with other furries like a creative outlet. For others, as Anuojat has stated, it's an emotional connection or a way for people to express themselves - some people feel the same way about cosplaying (costume play, where you dress up as a cartoon/anime/video game character for those who don't know). At the same time I have also heard horror stories and personal accounts from friends about the sexual nature of being a furry(not their own sexual nature but other furries). Sadly, a lot of people who hear the term "Furry" immediately think of disturbed, sexual deviants who like to get it on in a stuffy suit. People I have met or know who are furries reject the sexual part of this fandom and don't associate themselves with such people. But yeah, the ignorant are just going to generalise them, aren't they? This is a really interesting topic, thanks for sharing this iHuman!

First of all, thank you everyone who took the time and effort to read and reply to my post. I'm so grateful to be shown such kindness Really good questions, DaVinci. I don't think anything of value could be gained by talking to my parents. I think they would only fake how much they care to keep up appearances. I keep contact to a minimum and last week I got a text message from my mother asking if I was alright and how worried she is. I can't help but scoff but scoffing is immediately followed by immense sadness. I think they would defend past behaviour or just act stupid and claim not to know what I'm talking about. Sweeping problems under the carpet is a typical trait of my family. If you can't see it, it's not there. I'll consider calling into the show, thank you so much. Hi Alan, I want to do it to protect myself and my future children. I don't want to defoo as a means to revenge or anything of the sort because I know in the long run, it will make me unhappy and my energy is best spent elsewhere. My parents have my home address but I honestly don't think that they would bother trying to find me and I can block via e-mail and phone. I've mostly cut contact with my mother (my father never, ever contact, only by proxy through my mother) and recently she has tried to contact me through a friend. Luckily my friend is smart enough to not reply. I don't think tracking me down will be much of a problem considering how lazy and uncaring they are. Thanks for the tips! Hi Ricardo! Wow, what a reply! You really made me think with this one. I never really considered that I could still fear my parents aggressiveness. I think I just dismissed the thought because I'm now an adult, despite the traumas still being raw and fresh in my mind. I think you're right. I think saying that I'm "chickening out" is not a fair thing to say and perhaps I am, in a way, minimising my past by saying this. I will definitely consider calling into the show, thank you so much.

So I'm currently trying to DeFOO but I'm not sure how to go about it. I remember Stefan mentioning a few times that talking to your parents about your childhood is very helpful but to be honest, I couldn't be bothered. I've been seeing a therapist for over a year and we're discussing the options of either writing a letter to them or confronting them in person. Let me give you some background to better understand my situation. I'll try to keep it short: I have an ACE score of 7. I've never been close to my parents and they've never taken any interest in me, the youngest, or my 3 other brothers. We've never, ever had a meaningful conversation as far as I know - it's only ever superficial like "how's work?" or "how's the weather?". I think I've been depressed most of my life. School was hell with being bullied about my weight, feeling like an alien and my mother managed to make things worse. In my teens I was self-harming, almost committed suicide, became a truant and eventually moved out at 17 when I graduated from the shit pit that was high school. I was really messed up at 17 but getting away from home was probably the smartest thing I've ever done. My childhood: I have a lot of memories of violence in my family. My two eldest brothers are around 10 years my senior and I have memories of my father beating the shit out of them and choking them against the wall while my mother screamed and threw plates. With the rest of my siblings, I was spanked and hit on a regular basis; anything from once a week to once a month. Until I was 17 I suppressed the memories of being sexually abused at around 5 or 6 by my second eldest brother (Let's call him Dave). Only recently I started remembering more details of sadistic behaviour from Dave, such as pinning me to the ground and spitting in my face while I screamed, or he would pick me up by the ankles and purposely swing me around close to the wall of our house outside, making me believe he was trying to smash my face in, or even kill me. My parents blamed me for his behaviour by saying shit like "you shouldn't be playing with him then". As for the sexual abuse, my parents knew about it. I have a memory where my mother walked in on Dave manipulating me to touch him inappropriately and she didn't do anything about it. Instead she pretended nothing was wrong and even thought that leaving me in Dave's care ALONE was an okay thing to do. Recently I realised that I started piling on weight and started a very long war with eating disorders after the sexual abuse. In my teens my mother saw the scars on my arm from self-harming and instead of talking to me or getting me help, she pointed an accusatory finger at me and, of course, I would completely shut down and lock myself in my room. If she heard me crying in my room, she would get angry. I spent the next 10 years moving further and further away. My parents live in the arse-crack of nowhere in south-west Ireland and I ended up moving to the Netherlands 4 and a half years ago. I spent the past 10 years feeling guilty about not seeing my family enough and spent a lot of money on travelling back and forth. Not once have my parents bothered to visit me, and they never had a mortgage and don't have any debt as far as I know. I have thought about confronting them in person but at this point I don't see why I should spend so much time and money and resources on people who never loved me and never protected me. I know for sure that I will never get a satisfying answer and I will never be able to repair this relationship. Am I justified in just writing them just a letter telling them that I never want contact again? The idea of confronting them physically is terrifying so I sometimes wonder if I am just chickening out or not? I've thought about calling into the show but I feel like I'm all over the place and I would just be wasting Stefan and Mike's time. Thanks in advance and sorry for the lack of structure in my post. I'm having a hard time putting my thoughts and feelings together.

Hi StylesGrant, First of all I want to say how sorry I am for all the pain you're going through right now. There are some things I can relate to and I really feel for you. I agree with Drew Woods about seeking a therapist. I too have a lot of issues with my memories but ever since I started going to my therapist over a year ago, she's really helped me remember important things from my childhood. Just talking and talking with her activates childhood memories and with new information, she's able to help me make progress. Like Stefan says, go shopping for a therapist. Best of luck

Thanks Ruben! It's nice to know that there are Dutch people involved in FDR. It makes me all the more comfortable living here as an expat Thank you, Tservitive! His name is Pablo. I've no affiliation with the Spanish language or Spain, I just thought that it fitted him well

Hi everyone, I've mostly been lurking the boards and thought it was time I got involved. I've been listening to FDR on and off since last year and now more regularly for the past few months. I was introduced by my brother, who I sadly no longer have contact with after we had a falling out. I come from Ireland and have been living a couple of meters under sea level since September 2010. I really love living here, especially in such a beautiful and energetic city like Amsterdam. FDR has helped me tremendously, especially in combination with therapy, which I started February last year. I'm currently discussing the process of DeFOOing with my psychologist and thought about posting this issue on the Self Knowledge board. I come from a very abusive family (I have an ACE score of 7) and I suffered from Dysthymia and General Anxiety Disorder since I was child. I've gotten better thanks to CBT, therapy and FDR - I have better control over my thinking process but I still need a lot of work and a lot of self discovery/knowledge needs to be done. I mostly listen to Stefan's podcasts about self knowledge, relationships, DeFOOing, childhood trauma etc. I sometimes listen to other topics but for now self knowledge is my main interest. I don't really have many friends but mostly acquaintances. I would love to make deep, emotional connections with people who I can truly call friends. To be honest, if I was to bring up my childhood trauma, I think most of my "friends" would get pretty awkward and I don't think my self-esteem would take that reaction very well. Yeah, I know, I know, it would be very selfish and egotistical of them to do so just to avoid a moment of discomfort, but I'm still working on having more courage and confidence I'm really honoured to be part of FDR but I have to be very honest about how nervous I feel writing all of this, so please be gentle Dog tax: This is my dog Pablo. He's kind of majestic