Kouryuu

I am happy to say that since my last post, both my stepson and wife have made excellent progress handling their emotions. We had a discussion, apologies were made all around and accepted. They also both have made dietary changes and are seeing a naturopath, with supplements geared toward emotional trauma for the two of them. Before the holidays started Shawn even had a full week of Good behavior, and my wife is now listening to FDR podcasts on parenting. Life is peaceful Thank you for your replies!

Oh I'm sure he has plenty of legitimate anger about his treatment up until recently (still, to be honest, because learning control over her own anger will take my wife some time). I did sit down with him last week and explain that adults don't always know the best ways to go about things, and that we had acted in the way our own parents did when we were kids. I went on to explain that I now feel any form of aggression (including spankings, the threat of a spanking, and even raised voices) are a bullying tactic and apologized for not realizing it sooner and stepping in. I did confirm though, that it didn't mean he could act up and get away with it... he will now have an opportunity to set his own punishment, which we will either accept or reject depending on the severity (no Shawn, hitting a boy in the face does NOT equal an apology card!) Honestly I'm not sure how to go about it though, since I was not raised by peaceful parents either and I'm relatively new to parenting in general and peaceful parenting in particular (he was 5 when I first met him, so I'm missing a few years experience here). I don't think his mom is ready to apologize yet, she's a bit hard headed sometimes, but I asked if he noticed a difference in her the past couple weeks and he said he did so maybe he is willing to wait for that one.

I mean that in the most stereotypical way, in that my stepson Shawn, 7yo, has red hair, high energy levels, high pain tolerance, and the ability to occasionally make me want to beat him despite my generally peaceful nature. (No, I haven't, and anger is my own problem and a different post.) Let me outline the issue and see what yall think. Shawn is respectful at home, but doesn't want to do his homework (which I think is pretty standard - he would rather be playing. So would I, I don't blame him). But we have been in to multiple parent teacher conferences over the last month, one included a counselor, another the principle herself. The issues? Refusing to sit still, talking over the teacher constantly, distracting other students, physical aggression toward other students, loud angry outbursts at the slightest irritation, etc. Basically, anger and self control issues. "Look to the parents" you say... Well, his mom had one hell of a childhood, lousy relationship with her parents, anger issues (compounded by her military experience), and a tendency to over-react (sometimes physically) to "stupidity". Being the stepfather, I didn't feel it was my place to step in until recently (a friend pointed me to FDR for a personal issue I needed to work through, and I started reading into the Peaceful Parenting sections). My viewpoint is pole opposite compared to 3 months ago, and about a month ago I approached my wife and carefully explained what I had learned. Now if she starts getting angrier than a situation dictates, a simple "Babe..." will tone her down. Yay, progress! But here is the actual problem I need help with. For the past 7 years (being 7 years old), shawn's experience has been watching his mom have angry outbursts at the most mundane things (in the car for example:"mother-effer, turn! FASTER!!") which basically means it's fine to have angry outbursts, right? I think that between that and spankings, he has learned by example that violent reactions (be they verbal or physical) are normal behavior and perfectly fine (when the threat of retaliation isn't immediate anyway, thus him acting out at school where he has a chance of getting out of it but not at home). I understand I am also at fault for not stepping in earlier, but like I said, I didn't feel it was my place, plus until recently I agreed with corporal punishment. So we have some progress and some understanding of what I think are the key issues that led to his behavior. The question is, how do I go about helping both my wife and my stepson to practice (learn) self control?