BnK_Collins

My Mother was not and has never been abusive (please re-read my first reply to you to confirm that I did not state this) - she did not remove my brother or us from this situation, she always gave in to my brother when he acted out or demanded things from her, overcompensating for what my father wasn't doing. She would make excuses for my brother when he acted out and would give in to him because she felt sorry for him........She did not provide a good example either. I fully acknowledge that my mother played a big role in the issues that my brother has today by choosing to have children with my father and that she had choices in this situation in which she did not make good ones. And yes she did fail in keeping him safe from abuse. And yes I hold her just as accountable as I hold my father. You are right I did not say this in my original post. I am simply saying that my brother has had this conversation with my mum who has acknowledged her failings and apologised. My brother had not yet (until 2 nights ago) had this same conversation with my dad. Therefore my post was primarily about my dad, brother and how his issues with him are being transferred. It's appears that I didn't give you the amount of information that you needed in order to know what was going on fully. This is what I meant by 'writing a book'. Am I correct in assuming that you wanted more background story on my brother and BOTH of the parental relationships or that you wanted me to acknowledge the female responsibility in this situation. 'Resolved in his mind' means that I haven't asked my brother if he feels validated by my mothers admission that she failed on her part. I am yet to have this conversation with him. I agree with everything you have said and I appreciate you taking the time to have this conversation with me. The concepts that you have put forward are not foreign to me. I still can't help feeling like you have zero'd in on my lack of information about the female responsibility part here and discarded what this post is really about. What is your relationship with your mother like? Have you had any similar issues come up for you and her? Kristie

Hi Ben, thanks for your comment. I disagree with your comment about the problem being me. I'm not saying that it is not problematic in the way that I am looking at this situation. I am saying that there is potentially more than one problem here. Sound advice from you IF this situation did not involve children, which it does. Children can't protect themselves from this. They don't choose their parents or the decisions that their parents make. The fact that these children happen to be my family and that I might be able to make even the slightest bit of positive difference for them is the reason that I choose to at least try to help. I am not in their everyday lives as it is so I am not in their company and can and do separate myself from this negativity. I can accept the fact that there may well be nothing I can do to help but I still think it is worth trying.

Hi Matthew, There is no female accountability in this post, you are right. I would be writing a book if there was. My brother also has had issues with his mother. Not sure if they have been resolved in his mind (I don't think he can even put into words how he feels about either of his parents at this stage) however, my mother has already apologised and taken responsibility for her part in his upbringing. What do I think of my mother? I think that she has a lot of issues from her childhood that have come through in our upbringing. I think that she is an average person and that she was an average parent. I love her because I think I 'should' and I have learnt what not to do from her. I feel the same way about my father. I am angry at them both because they did a shitty job as parents. I have spent the past 5 years undoing the damage that they did to me, (which will be a lifelong thing) and I am angry because my brothers are that much further behind me when it comes to sorting their lives out as they had it worse than me. My father did not treat me badly like he did my brothers. I'm sure that my brother could care about morality IF he could get past his shitty upbringing. I genuinely don't think he is an evil person. I think he is an incredibly angry one and at the moment very selfish and blind to what sort of consequences this will have for his children. As for your comment about the mother continuing to have children with him even though she knew he was abusive...... I myself would not be with someone like this as I am clear about my morality. I have no idea why she kept having children with him and I bet if I asked she couldn't tell me. I am interested to know what other people would answer to the question - single parent home or abusive co-parent home??

Hi, thanks for your comments. I completely agree with you about your first point. Please see my reply to the first comment if you are interested. There has been a development. Your suggestions have been very helpful and I will utilise them where I can. Hi Abbie, thanks for your comment. Repetition may be another useful tool I can use. I will try it.

Thanks for your reply. I spoke to the mother today and since I talked to them about this 3 days ago she said it got her thinking. She has since initiated a conversation with my brother who has admitted that he is stressed about not being able to provide for his family. (There are many more issues than this one and it has been going on since the first child was born, but it's a start.) He wants more stable work. He also went to see his Dad who is back in the country last night and apparently they had a good talk whereby his/my dad admitted that he had not been a very good father. My Dad then told him that my brother needs to be better with his children. My brother seemed to take this on. This could be the start of something. I really hope so. As for the mother, she couldn't tell me why she still stays with him but she did say she still has hope and maybe she is right from what has gone on recently. She couldn't tell me what benefit there is to the kids or for herself with him in this current state. I'm definitely not letting her off the hook here. She as a parent has a responsibility to keep her children safe from harm and she hasn't. We'll see how things go from here.

Hi all, My brother is 27 with 4 children. He is currently living under the same roof as his children and partner (mother of his children). He has no time for his kids and acts like they are good for nothing burdens in his life. He is very selfish, does not like parting with his money to help support/raise his children. He does nothing to help his partner around the house or to raise his children. He is verbally, emotionally and physical abusive. He calls them pricks and cu#ts to their faces. He seems particularly hateful of his eldest boy who has just turned 7. He did not even say happy birthday when he was opening his presents in the morning. I'm not even sure if he wished him happy birthday at all. (My mum has told me that my father used to do the very same thing with my brother.) This same boy, my nephew recently told his Nan that he hates his dad. You can see the effect this has on this little boy. I believe somehow this is all some kind of history repeating itself as my dad was also a shitty father to his sons. He would favour one over the other. He was also abusive. It's a vicious circle. When I have tried to talk to my brother about this he loses his temper and leaves so that the conversation cannot continue. I tried to arrange for him to go and seek some guidance/counselling to which he never went. I asked him about this recently and he said he didn't go because he hasn't had time. He does not have full-time work at the moment so I know this is just and excuse. I'm at the point where I've asked his partner if there is ANY benefit to the kids with him being around. She said that she agonises over this question constantly. Is there anything at all that I can say to her that might help. I think he is beyond help.