Alamut

Thanks aviet for jumping in - yes eastern euope. Are we that predictible/obvious? Haha. OK, so let me answer/address all your points one by one. On my parents wanting to punish themselves - you could be right. In fact, the fact that I'm throwing "could" in the sentence might just be my denial, they're still my parents so I want them too look as "plain and normal" as possible, hence those cushion words As for mother being prime source, I don't know, my opinion is - two people mess up - the story is two-fold. Both of them have some guilt in this and I think the most correct way to say is - 50/50. Because even if my mom (for example, hypothetically) went out of her ways to make my father unhappy, and he's a saint - he still is wrong for participating in this. Hence, 50/50 is how I split their blame. And you're right, they don't have to stay but they choose to do so. My mother's mother lives alone in a fairly big house, the entire upper floor is vacant, and it's very spacious, but nobody uses it. If my mom really couldn't stand my father, she could've moved there long time ago - she has a very good bond with her family, her mom and brothers/sisters. On the other hand, my father, not so much. He was falling in and out of relationship with his brothers as long as I remember and I never got to meet his side of family that well. To use the cliche christmas lunch / dinner / easter / whatever holiday example; we went to my mothers parents "1000 times" (figuratively) and to my fathers parents or sibilings, 10. That kind of ratio. Oh one more thing, the house that my parents live is semi-detached, so on another "wing" of the house is my fathers brother and his family. And my mom doesn't speak with them at all. Oh my now that I write it out like this it really sounds bad. Anyway, what I was saying, back 10, or 15 years ago she could've moved to her moms house, I wouldn't mind or hold it against her (as if I am the one to ask about those things anyway). But for whatever reason, I don't know which one - she is still at the same address, down the floor from my dad. My father does crave for companionship. Drug addiction analogy might be harsh? I think he just can't help to get in verbal conflicts with people, he likes to impose his opinion, and he really doesn't know when people don't want to listen to it anymore, so they move away from him, and that's kinda how he interacts. He had a career where he met really a lot, and I mean a lot of people. But I think he pushed those people away. Yet he still wants to talk with someone. I don't know. Maybe he just enjoys lecturing people, that feeling of "being smarter" or something. He is a liberal, and whenever I come around, he shows me some atheist mocking religion/late night talk show smug host ridiculing right wingers etc. I did grow up in negative environment, no point of me denying it out of pity or whatever. I'm actively trying to be present with my words and think of what and how I'm interacting with people. Although I do get agitated, maybe that's some trait I picked up from them. For example, I can't stand liberal/progressive talking points anymore. It actually puts me in a frustrated state of mind. When I see my school friends share some buzzfeed cancer on their page, I get the urge to give my monitor an uppercut. I don't know if my parents hate each other. Only they know the honest answer to that. Mind games were played yes, but I think both of them had their fair share of manipulating with emotions, screams and shouts and tears. To a point where they both stopped doing it, probably because it lost its value. I can clearly recollect how their quarrels lost "steam" as the years go by. Back in early 2000's they were...oh...frantic. Hours on end, screaming, yelling, pause, back to yelling, monologue A, monologue B, blaming for X, blaming for Y, you did this, you didn't do that, back in the day you remember when you didn't / did do this, on and on and on, then louder, then tears, then back to just loud... My mom did use the "you're yelling at me" and everything similar tactics, but my father also used his share of tactics to get an upper hand. I am 100% sure there was never any physical alteration, my father is not that type, in fact I think modern day internet psychologist would classify him as beta, or something of that sort. My father likes to shift responsibility though - quick example - whenever we touch on the discussion about their relations, I mention how it won't ever go back to any old ways, it will just be them each in their own part of the house. Then I get asked "would you be bold enough to ask mom if she thinks we could go back to old ways"...etc.

OK, before I being, I'll try to TL;DR on my parents situation a bit. I think I wrote about it before but I won't bother you with posting links to my tedious posts here in the past. So, essentially, my parents were in a kinda shaky relationship as long as I can remember them. Their situation deteriorated when I started my high school. I had an apartment in the city and went back home on some weekends, and it was constant drama, bickering was the best I could hope for, 4 hour scream/cry sessions with all of us or just them involved were common. Throwing fits, basically. They planned on getting divorced, they flaked out, each of them moved to their separate part of the house (2 floors) and they continued on. To insert this detail, it may be important or not, don't know, my father keeps repeating that he left the bigger part of the house to mom, and he went living in a much smaller "apartment" part, with one small room out of chivalry. But...he always, always points that out. As if he wants points for that. I don't get it. Anywhay, when he moved in there, that part was new, everything there was freshly built, I think they planned on making that part of the house for guests or me or something. As my father moved in, it got messy. He's just like that. Another sidenote, my father helped my mom in her tourism business. Yeah, I know this sounds completely bizzare, it probably is. They were on bad terms, they barely spoke when both in house (except when guests came over) but my father still went there to help out. OK. So, blah blah I'm skipping on probably essential details but whatever. Fast forward to today. He got back from his holiday (he officially retired recently), 10 days of a solo road trip. I hopped over there today to see what's up with my folks, ya know. Mom wasn't home, so I went knocking on my fathers part of the house, haha. No answer. It's 2 PM. Calling him on the phone, nothing. Knocking harder on the doors, I hear him opening the room doors. Opening the main doors. Grumpy as usual, "do you need something, why are you here?". I brushed it off, since I know he loves to provoke situations. So I asked him what's up and how was the trip, he stars complaining, something in line of "do you expect me to talk to you while you have your hands in your pocket" so I sit down, just because I don't want to engage in his baits. I know him. So he starts complaining again..."isn't it a bit weird you didn't call me on the day I got here...I don't feel good". I asked him why doesn't he call me if he feels bad? His voice stars trembling. At this point I know where this is going, it's not the first time, but I try to keep it level, asking him what's the problem with me coming over now? And then he starts asking me to "please, leave, you're making it worse", tears, holding his head, I'm trying to be calm and just stay silent, he mumbles something in terms of "you don't know how bad I feel, I'm thinking about killing myself" (I heard that probably 5-6 times in last 10-15 years, in similar situations), and then I wait for him to calm down...and then...eventually...he starts talking about his trip. Then he states how devastated he was when he got back home and finding out mom didn't ask him anything about the trip. I asked him - why do you care what other people think about your trip? You went there for yourself. Then he stars with "how dare you, I even thought about asking mom to come with me"...at that moment, I point out, calmly, why would you take mom with you, you can barely sustain 2 minutes of conversation when you bump in front of the house.But I want to share my impressions with someone, this wasn't some stupid cruise trip! So I ask him - what's wrong with people taking cruises? Then he goes on some long tangent about how people who go on cruises are plebs and do it for showing off etc etc etc - I'll stop, I'm not going into transcript. What I'm trying to ask is - how do I deal with this? He loves the blame game, he needs attention, he won't reach out first, probably a pride thing, he waits for me (and anyone else) to show interest, and once you show interest, he can talk for 3 hours nonstop (fact). I believe both he and my mom are narcissist. And they're in this bizzare situation, living in the same house, not divorced legally, but completely distant, and it won't change. What's my duty here, as a son? It is reasonable to try to insert some "nuggets" of truth and hope he'll find a better way or is this just my duty to listen to him, given that he burned a lot of bridges with a lot of people with his attitude during his life. Thanks for reading

No problem, if my post makes you feel a certain way or bring certain conclusions, that's what it is then. Masculine to me...a man who is independent and a provider, stable and confident in himself. I don't think I'm masculine that much, I would say I'm average. I do provide, all is good on that front. Confident? Nope. My hair's been thinning for years and I still try to lie to myself that it will stop. It won't. But I can't see myself being bald, it would make me feel like a loser. Funny how I obsess over hair and I can't do anything about it, but I can do something about my fitness...

Yeah...I'm well aware of this inevitable fact of life. I mean, there probably are some offbeat exceptions...but...I'll have to be realistic on that one. I'm probably set on this no-friend course for a long time... It's not about mathematics or practical side of things, I know I could get married without anyone present (aside from my GF lol) ... but it's symbolic. Having a best man is also a certain notch in life's achievement...not having that kind of relation in life probably looks a bit sad for the spectators... We're in a long relationship, and I'm starting to feel like a eternal manchild, in my early 30s, not taking the commitment with her. I will admit, there are plenty of times where I think about being the irresponsible bachelor bum, living alone without having to answer to anyone, but I know that's my depression or whatever talking. I'm with her because I genuinely love her, although I constantly "nag" her about some of her personality quirks, I am full aware of my personality. For example, I keep suggesting that she could join the gym...and I say that at the most random, inconvenient times...or when w have lunch when she comes home from her job... I do it because I say whatever something occurs to me, I can't think twice or keep my mouth shut, but I have no ill intentions, just speaking my mind. One important thing to mind here is that she's probably 5 lbs overweight, at best, where as I'm 6'2 / 250. You get the picture. Yes. I would like to know. I'm feeling alone, not having someone to share the shit I go thru, or just talk shit back and forth not necessarily life-altering conversations. But I feel like I'm really a weirdo in social environments. Few years back, I just kept the idea that "everyone else is nuts, I'm the only one sane and normal" and that kind of thinking would entertain me...but I don't find it cute anymore. It's evident that I have trouble connecting with people, or better yet, staying connected. Random example: I met one guy thru common friend couple of months ago. Few days ago I was at a sport event and that guy was standing 10 feet from me. I didn't want to approach and say hi to him, because I thought...well...why can't HE be the one that remembers meeting me back in that day...so I didn't bother with it. To make matters funnier (more pathetic), next day I got into parking lot garage at the mall and he parked 3 cars next to me. I didn't make a move. It's pretty baffling behavior but I still do it. I "talk" to myself about these things when I go out on a drive...and I drive for those reasons (introspection, contemplation...etc) a lot. Don't wanna see therapists, I can't have anyone who has my address, face, and phone number know my secrets. Yeah I know the therapist wouldn't care and I would be just another patient to him but still...

I'll keep it short and throw random bits of whatever comes to my stream of thoughts on this topic. Let me start by saying that the "usual" culprit of mood swings, money, is not the issue in my situation. Don't get me wrong I'm not some richie rich, but I like my work and get payed nicely for it, so there is not a slightest bit of reason for me to complain about that aspect of my life. So let's move on. Ever since I was 25 I would practice this kind of "therapy" by getting in my car and driving around for couple of hours, thinking or even talking to myself about things that bother me in my life. It happened during the period when I had a embarrassing fallout with a buddy, and I was so ashamed of what happened, I didn't want to get ridiculed by our mutual buddies and acquaintances - so I literally went into depression mode, watched moves and played computer games for 6 months. Then I started to drive around and ask myself what am I doing and where am I going in my life. It got me out of the rut, I started to hit the gym, lost some weight, started to feel good about myself, and eventually got in a relationship. I'm in that relationship today, 5 years. As you might presume, postmodern 21st century setup - living together for years but no kids and no marriage. Why? Am I wasting her good years? There are days where I want to be the father and want us to have a family, but then there are days when we argue over something and all the "father" ambitions disappear. I don't have good relations with my parents. Not saying they're bad relations, but they're not good either. It's a lukewarm, kinda good, occasionally, if our moods align "OK" type of relations. I don't like to share my things with them, for whatever reason. To give you a clue, my parents haven't been in our new apartment that we've been renting for almost 2 years. And my parents live an hour away. Moving on. Girlfriends family, bit on a "simply country folk" side of things, I like them, but then again, there are days where I feel grumpy and agitated by everyone who doesn't comply with my standards or everything...for example, if we discuss about something, and if they don't give me the reply I expect them, I feel as if they're not "on the level" I would like them to be. Same goes with what is left of my friends. When I was 20 I had numerous friends or maybe they were good acquaintances, I don't know. At some point, I started to exercise the same "is this guy on my level" criteria with them and basically cut 90% of them out of my life. That might seem like a "normal" thing to do, maybe some of you might think that it's good to get rid of people who you just don't have common interests anymore... But it's more complicated than that. I'm past 30 years old, I haven't made a single new friend in probably a decade. Yeah I met new people but I feel it, more and more, that I'm not able to make the connection. Despite me trying to be "cheerful" in those situations when you meet someone new, crack jokes etc. I just feel as if I ooze this aura of repulsiveness, or however you would call it. I joined a car club last year, attended few meetups, talked to people but none of those became buddies, someone you can call on random weekends to go catch a drink somewhere. I'm scared of that. My GF is my only friend. If I had a marriage tomorrow, I would not be able to think let alone find a best man for myself. This is a pretty significant void in my life. And I'm scared that it could lead me into feeling constantly in bad mood. The only time I'm carefree and happy is when I'm cruising in my car. It relaxes me. When I get back home close to the garage, I realize I drove alone the whole time, I realize that I didn't have anyone I could call for a company, and I realize that I'm torn between being introvert and not minding being alone - but also swinging back into "I wish I had a friend to call now" mood right after. My questions is how do I approach this issue? Where do I start?

Thanks for the reply. This particularly. I don't know how to bond with people, I think that's my main problem. And it could go back to what I said in the beginning, not having a "best" friend, which probably makes me let these types of people in my life. I have to say while I'm commenting on this, I had similar fallout 10 years ago, also with a dude who I wanted to hang out with and he was well aware of that but turned into his advantage aka I started going into business with him and became his errand boy. Now that I reflect on those years I really can't believe that I allowed myself to be in that position, to work at his business, get paid minimum wage and get occasional, semi-regular insults or those passive-aggressive type of put-downs when we were in a group of common "friends" or whatever was that called. I decided to cut the cord with him and haven't seen him since but I have to admit he left an impact on me - what I mean by this is he left some kind of permanent questioning on a lot of things I do. The best way to explain is thru obvious example; I used to block things I post on facebook so our mutual friends/acquaintances wouldn't know what I was doing so HE wouldn't accidentally get the info from them. That's super lame, I know. Also, he was the "hater" type, he was mocking/belittling/judging and basically talking shit about everyone who was better off than he was, which was...a lot of people. Everyone had a "yeah but" in his book, this guy is at that stage in life because of X, that guy drives that car only because of Y...and so on. Nobody was "all good" except of him, of course. This guy from my post, recent event, is the similar type. But even worse, now that I think about it. This one is so thirsty to be the part of the VIP club, part of the rich bunch, but he's a working class dude, so the amount of shit he talks about other people material possessions is crazy. I used to think he just uses those things as a joke, because he does have a great sense of humor, but now that I look back, all those jokes are rooted in his content for everybody and anybody who got ahead in life, and by "ahead in life" I mean drives a better, faster, more expensive car. I'm glad I have this anchor off my back, and now I have to free up myself from the voices these people left in my head, doubts, all those little darts of "ehh you don't need to do that" and "you don't know to do that" and "why would you do that, you won't get rich from it". I believe those guys impacted my low self esteem self and kept me away from meeting new friends, because they didn't approve of basically anyone but their own kind, similar type of "snakes". I'm out of that. Need to focus and get a grip, never let anyone hold my own steering wheel.

So I decided to ask about advice/opinion on friendship troubles. Just to set the tone right - I'll be blunt and honest - I don't have a "best friend". It sounds lame, pathetic and sad - and it is. I'm 30 and, to put it simple, I don't know who would I call to be my best man at my wedding and I definitely won't get any calls to be someone's best man either. That in itself is pretty worrying now that I type it out like this and think about it. So let's move on with this story. I recently had a bizzare fallout with a guy who I considered to be my friend (I guess that's the right title, buddy, good acquaintance...I don't know), I knew him for almost 10 years. I would like to get some kind of a lesson from this situation for my own personal benefit..and this is where you folks come in, so bare with me and chime in please. Back in 2010. - I was pretty bad standing financially and that guy knew it because for whatever reason (probably me being desperate for friendship) I told him my full situation. At that time, during those years, his business was really going good. He ran his utility service as a utility man, home repairs etc and made really nice money. Back then I screwed up something in my garage and called him up for help, he came around, did his thing, and said "this will cost you XYZ $". I was kinda stoked, didn't expect that price because I was broke, hoped for a lower figure but he explained why he went out of the way to fix few extra things and make his part of the job as good as possible. So, despite being broke at the time, I paid him in full. Just to keep you guys up to speed, we're talking new pair sneakers type of money. Our "friendship" was regular as usual after that, we would go for drinks, talked about problems, good things bad things, money, cars, and we did it quite often so for whatever reason, I considered him an actual friend. Fast forward to 2016. and the situation is much, much better for me (financially), where he got into a bit of a situation, he closed his shop, got a job at his girlfriends company, they had a long term relationship, broke up, he moved out from her place back to his parents house, but still went out and bought a Porsche (15 years old but still, it's expensive). I don't want to go into details about his habits but he was always a bit snobby and wanted to leave an impression of a upper scale type of guy (probably resenting his blue collar roots...because he told me multiple times how much he despises his father, from who he inherited his business). I remember him buying a Breitling watch back in 2009. and pronouncing it "Bret-ling" until someone played a youtube clip to him where a guy pronounced it the way it was supposed to be pronounced. But that's off topic. So what happened couple of days ago - he asked me if I could salvage his notebook, and I told him sure I'll do it, I'm busy but when I get the time I'll take care of it. When he asked me about the price, I told him the exact amount. I did hear it in his voice, a bit of "seriously?" type of vibe but I deliberately didn't want to do my old routine and do services for people in exchange for fast food meals and chump change or any similar pathetic moves from my youth. And to be honest, I don't want to sound douchey, but nowadays I'm not in a situation where I desperately need to get that kind of money. So I just told him my price, I value my time and work that much, take it or leave it. He gave me the notebook. After couple of days, I called him up, the notebook was finished. He gave me the money and off he went. I noticed a weird silence, no usual daily shitting and posting stupid messages over whatsapp, not a single "thanks" or any other feedback. Called him up 2 times, no answer. Next day, I get a whatsapp message "I asked around about the prices for the service you did, you burned me with the price but at least we had fun with it in our whatsapp group. Please don't call me anymore, bye". I charged him probably 30% more than I charged regular customers 10 years ago, and we're talking new Nike shoe type of money here. We're talking almost exact amount of money he charged me for the garage fix back in 2010. I want to know a couple of things - how do I run into people like this, and why do I keep contact with them, how can't I pick up on signals that are obviously pointing to the fact that I'm dealing with a deeply dissatisfied wannabe working-class snobs? I can't blame others, it's not his fault that he's the way he is. Why was I around him for such a long time? And is this the reason I have no friends? Could I be so socially retarded I can't discern who's a good friend for me and who's not? Because this isn't the first time I had this kind of scenario, where I had a fall-out with someone I considered "friend" for multiple years. This is the 3rd time. And it always had money involved, of course. Thoughts?

Part 2 of my confessions I would like to title this Fear of / and Responsibility Even in high-school, the amount of arguments I watched, over-heard or attended between my parents was staggering, frequent, up to a point I knew basically each of their spiels. I knew what my mom will shout about, and I knew what my father will shout about. The circlejerk was depressing, boring, upsetting, all of those things, but it was also unfortunately frequent. So back in those years I started thinking about what were they saying. I guess I tried to play Switzerland even back then, trying to stay neutral. I understood both of their arguments. My mom would yell at my father how he's stagnant, how he's not employed (he earned money doing odd jobs), how the house they live still isn't finished because he starts working on something and moves to something else and then to something else and then to something elser than that lol. She was always pointing out how much of her money she invested there. This was the part of the argument where my father would snap (naturally) and start defending the "money" argument, talking about "marriage" and "50/50" and blah blah, doesn't matter. But what stuck with me is how many times my mother said the world "responsibility" to him. To a point I kind of hate hearing it today. Although, come to think of it, in a way, she was right in that regard. The house is still unfinished, half of it looks like storage, and my father actually volunteered (yes, free of charge) for some "friends" when they mentioned that they were redecorating their house. I seen it happen multiple times in my life. Picture this; my father stumbles on some acquaintance, chats with him, the guy mentions something about "redoing the house" or whatever. My father offers to help, because he really is handy man sort of guy, and then he starts working, spends weeks going there, eventually they get in the fight and then my dad says to me when I ask him about it - oh that guy's a total jackass, an idiot. I can't even number how many similar situations like this happened. I connected this to my pattern in the 20's when I started working on my own. I couldn't do 2 things - say "no" to someone asking me for my services (computer repair) and I also couldn't charge "too much" because I had guilty conscience about it, so I always lowballed myself to the max. Did I skip from task to task in my life? Hell yes. Hobby to hobby. Not THAT many times, but I did. That could be either good or a bad thing, can't say yet, but I certainly didn't have discipline. And now I have this fear. Now that my money situation is better than ever. I realized money won't solve my problems. When I was flat broke - I told myself that it will. But it won't. With money that I have now, I have literally every and all means to start something that was always my dream and desire. I can not think of one excuse for doing it - well, except this block of text and my inner mental games. The only thing that stings me, the only trace of jealousy in me, isn't evoked by money. I have friends who are few years older than me driving exotic sportscars. I don't know if anyone believes me but I really ain't jealous of them, at all, one bit. The only thing I feel when I go to their garage is - I would love to play with toys like this one day. But there's just one thing that stings me. Doesn't matter what it is, I don't want to put any specifics. What's important is that I have the means now and I'm still not doing it. I can hear my mom yelling that damn "responsibility" spiel to my father. Or my mother saying that I'm just like him. It's horrific. Is it a curse that can't be broken? Why can't I just do it? For me to go thru with that "thing" would mean that I would need to put myself out there. It can not be avoided in my "dream" scenario. And I can't see myself being subjected, I'm too frail. I have insecurities, about my looks (thinning hair, yes) and weight (I'm going to the gym regularly now) and I get the feeling people would go at me because of my inability (picked that up at home) to keep anything to myself when it comes to negative things. For example, I can't stand people with leftists way of thinking and looking at the world. Not only they seem stupid, but they also frustrate me and I know I wouldn't be able to refrain to at least lunging some smug mean insult towards their way. Am I coping more reasons to avoid my dream from realizing? Or am I honestly concerned about these things? I can't tell. LOL.

Thanks for your advice, appreciate it. As for therapist, let me get that out of the way first. My father, mother and my mothers father are all incredibly stubborn people, and by some accident, it rubbed on me as well haha. So with that being said, my pride, or vanity, or whatever, insecurity, cannot allow me to walk into someones office and start spilling my private beans. I know there are million reasons to do it, I know none of the therapists care about me per se, but that's also one of my gripes. They see me as a customer, hence they will try to either milk me for my money or deal with me in the most efficient way. None of those 2 angles sound like help to me, it's help to them, to their bank account. I don't believe in paying for empathy. I believe that's what I need. Someone to read my story, give me a striaght answer, maybe give some advice, experience, or point out things that I said that could be the root of my problems. Whoever does it on a free message board to a complete stranger must have some noble motivation to do it, not just bank account motivation. Sorry for the rant Anyway, you mentioned childhood being the problem. I believe it could be, seems perfectly logical. Kids are naive, not accustomed to the eternal dynamics of deceit, bait, maim and switchery that goes on in the adult world =) and they need guidance, role models. My parents certainly didn't look at it that way. But I understand them, I really do. They got tangled up in a bad relationship, they didn't have the solution for it, or they didn't have the guts to go thru with the solution (separation) and so they ended up staying together in the same house but speaking to each other 2 times a week. And kids got in the middle of it. My sister was on my mothers "good list" and no matter how much I tried to act "Swiss", I always ended up labeled on the fathers side". My mom often would call me by my last name, probably to amplify the "team father" rhetoric. I won't go into details of the conflicts, they were regular and ranged from cringe worthy to tear inducing. I won't recollect them since I don't see the point, other than just pointing out that they happened. What baffled me then and still baffles me now is our dynamic when we're separated. Dig this; When I first moved out of the house, for high school years, I felt my mother expressed nicer emotions towards me, while father was somewhat distant. But when I moved back after high school, I could talk with my father for hours (in his section of the house lol) but conversations with my mom would always steer into arguments. Always. It's the exact same situation with my sister. When I'm home, we can get in a fight over literally nothing, in a minute. She's the type to start an argument, will all of her upset emotions showing, over someone leaving the doors open. Or TV being too loud. But when I'm away, she sends messages, we talk on the phone like we're the movie version of brother and sister. I don't get it. Like I noted in my thread title, I fear of those family traits showing up in my own life...I fear of becoming like them. They say you eventually turn into things you run away from the most. I hope that's not true. But when I'm arguing with my GF, I get the feeling that I'm talking too much and that reminds me of the arguments from my childhood. I always try to bring a point across and I don't know when to stop. People hate this. I didn't notice this only in real life, I noticed it online as well. I can't hold my tongue on certain issues, I can't hold back with comments about things I find opposite of my beliefs, and I come off as an arrogant twat probably most of the time. Which can be traced back to my number of friends, which is in sub 5 numbers. Hence patterns. My father also has no friends. He is argumentative a lot. I watched him arguing with his own father (he was 80 something) to a point he yelled him out of the house (!). I watched my father arguing with my mothers sister and yelling her out of the house also. And then when he talks about it he says he's sorry for it and he doesn't intend to be like that, but he just can't hold back saying it in such loud and borderline harsh manner. I don't know what to do with that problem. How to fix, mitigate etc.

Hey guys. 31 year old guy, dude, kid, I don't know, from eastern europe, wandering thru life wondering about it, here to meet people, exchange ideas and just grow as a person, because what else is left to do here, right? Cheers to you all, read you later.

Oh hai guys Long time lurker finally "manning up" to speak, or better yet, to ask someone for advice or even help. I'm 30 years old guy from Europe, not married, no kids, but in a long term stable relationship. I work, I make enough money and still I have the Void, it's been haunting me for quite some time now, and it's hard to actually pinpoint when it all started, but if anyone here is interested in guiding me, helping or giving me some advice, engaging in conversation and help me figure this one out - I would be endlessly thankful for it. The reason I even found this place and lurked was naturally due to Stef's videos, I watched them and they made me think about my ways and I would say they made me grow in that psychological sense, if that's even the right term. Anyhow, where do I begin. I guess the best thing is to start at home. Parents, well they are quite a pair. Without going into details, they're split, but live in the same house. They don't do anything married couple does, except occasionally chat or couple of time a year eat lunch together. My father uses his part (floor) of the house (it's somewhat big so I guess space isn't a problem) and he spends most of his time there, on the computer, playing games, watching movies, photos, etc. He has brothers that he rarely goes visiting, also for most of my life I noticed that he has on-off relations with his close relatives and even brothers, so at one point he might be talking to one of his brothers, and then they feud, and so on. I can't remember when was the last time they come over for a dinner. My mom lives on another floor, downstairs, and she runs her own business. Up until couple of years ago, my father helped her with that business but he doesn't anymore. She also spends her days browsing the internet, reading books, she has good relationship with her sisters so she visits them a lot. Enter - me. When I was in high school that was when I first started noticing how bad the relationship between them is. They would fight often, of course I would watch, my sister would watch it, then we were invited to "discuss" those fights and I remember some days where we would sit with them at the table pontificating who said what and what tone did he use and who occused someone of something for literally hours and hours and hours. I do remember feeling drained and exhausted after those "sessions". They were common. In high school, I moved from the house and lived in a rented apartment with roommates, close to school. On fridays, either mom or dad would come to pick me up and take me home. Every ride home consisted of complaining about either "her" or "him", depends on who got to pick me up. They had a serious crisis around that time, and literally inches from divorce and they flaked out. They decided it would be better to just sleep on separate floors of the house. As far as I know, none of them ever had any relationships outside the marriage, even if their marriage is nothing but formal now. When I finished my high school, I decided I won't go to any college. I didn't feel like going to college. My parents were ok with it, and all they said was that I would need to find a job. So I did. I worked in a small business that my buddy was running. I use the term buddy very loosely. Looking back, he was a manipulative scumbag, but at that point I guess I needed a friend outside the house so I was very motivated to prove myself to him. He probably smelled how stupid and naive I was and hired me for peanuts. I didn't care, as long as I had money to fill my car up couple of times a month. Looking back, he was pretty obviously manipulative but on a low level. Despite the low level manipulation, I was still playing along because I think I was more damaged goods back then than I am now. He would sweet talk me into working overtime and promised me "a cut" from some job he just negotiated, and then he would blame me for being either late or not delivering perfect material, hence not getting the cut. One time I overheard a neighbor, completely accidentaly, talking about job that he used the company from my buddy (where I worked, doh) and how much he got charged for that project. I was listening how much money my "buddy" got from my overtime work. And I didn't get none of it. But the other day, I was getting ridiculed in front of his buddies that visited the offices how lazy I am and how much time I waste on doing things that clients don't accept. He didn't know I overheard the client talking different story. I worked there for 3 years. LOL. So after those 3 years I got offered another job. It was another sociopath, albeit much more succesful ($$$) than my buddy. This one had flashy cars and flashy businessess. He told me I'm he's #1 guy, how I'm the nicest person from all the people he worked with, how he'll make me rich etc etc. We went out together, he would buy me drinks, introduced me to bunch of people etc. But when it got to money, he would either give me absolutely horrible chump change, or I would get the standard - I will promote you to everyone I know, I'll tell them you did this. It took me 2 years to cut that person out of my life. At one point I decided to detach myself from the world, I just isolated myself. My phone was off, I just stayed in my room most of the time, computers, internet, movies...day after day. Eventually I would think and ponder about my direction and where am I heading in life. I said to myself I need to drastically change my life and I had that thought in my mind for weeks, along with weird and almost tangible sense of infinite motivation, I can't describe it. I was just starting going out with my GF, we were couple of months in the relationship. So I told her - what if I move to your city - instead of wasting time looking for job here. Because I was out of work when we met, forgot to say that. And flat broke, and by flat I mean flat. Gas money was luxury. Anyway, I made the move. Borrowed some change from my dad (you could buy 2 pair of Nike's with that money) and went to her city. Found a job after couple of days and it turned out to be...great paying job. But the boss, when the work relation ended, 3 years later, proved to be a scam artist. But that's not the point, it might be my luck or something. But money was coming in regularly and the work was good for my own experience and career, so fuck it. As I mentioned, the boss was a scam artist and got his business shutdown and he decided that he will flee the city. Sorry if this sounds like a movie, but that's the shortest scoop of those events I can manage to write. Either way, as soon as I heard that, I panicked. My low self esteem relapsed and I told my GF - I just lost my job, let's move in to my parents house until we get back on feet. Why did I say this, I don't know - this is why I started this thread, obviously I need help but I'm not comfortable going to my neighborhood therapists, I'm way too insecure to show my real face in front of someone and give him my intimacy. Sorry. So back to the story, we moved back to my parents house. We stayed there for 6 months and it turned from my feeling optimistic for some reason (could be some false "I'm home, no more paying rent" financial relief) to complete bizzaro. We stayed in my room, which is on the same floor of the house my mom is using. That relation didn't go well, it deteriorated quickly, old arguments from old fights arose to the surface in a week. Don't want to go into much detail, let me just say that for those 6 months, my GF and me ate lunch in my room and basically never went in the living room, and my mom didn't speak with my GF for one whole month. It's really...just lame and sad. So, lets fast forward things, I decided we can't tolerate that anymore, we moved to another apartment, the owner was kind enough to give us 3 months "free" when she heard our sappy story, in those 3 months I found a job... That job was kinda important and whoever's reading to this point, this is an imporant paragraph here. It was a big company, for the first time in my life I was surrounded by 100+ workers, big offices, hallways etc. I never worked in that kind of environment in my life before. What was obvious to me is that I can't stand half of those people there. I coulnd't stand the daily chit chat from half of them. I was confused to see grown people acting so childish. Here I was, 30 years old, probably one of the youngest guys there, and everyone else was just...so...silly. The topics they would talk about, their outlook on things in life, it was just strange to me and I counldn't hide it. That was always my problem, in any social environment. I never was able to hide what I feel about people, either by being condescending or just body language...I can't explain it, but I know I was being rude, but I couldn't help it, and I still can't. I had good realtionships with couple of people in the company, I think the common trait of them was that they were - smart and normal. They had interesting topics, cool attitude and so on. Maybe I'm a snob in a way, but I was cool with them because they really seemed interesting people, the kind I would like to have around myself. The ones I didn't like, I didn't bother to even be decent to them, I acted like they werent there. At one point, after couple of months, I got sick of the whole process. I quit and found a better job. At this point, I'm making the most money I ever made in my life, and by far. And now that I finally reached the "I just hope I start making good money and all my problems oughta be solved" level, I realize money isn't happiness. But it's a great thing, but it isn't a universal solution. Without stressing about money, something that haunted my throughout my 20s, I started thinking about friends. I have none. For example, if I decided to marry tomorrow, I literally don't know who my best man would be. That's sad. But I need to figure out how to fix it. I'm constantly worried about my appearance. I'm not the best looking guy, since I put on 40 pounds from my high school, and I struggle to cut it. I think I'm an emotional eater. I'm a mess and I need guidance, advice, whatever will work. Hope to get someone that can relate to some of these things and exchange ideas. Till next time...thanks.