This is a letter I drafted to my biological mother (M) my younger sister (K), and my now ex husband (J). I don't know if I should send it. (W) is my son.
My sister had an affair with my husband that my biological mother was aware of from the beginning. They are now married with two children and my family is split down the middle with those who are reasonable on one side, and the lying charlatans on the other.
These relationships had been over for sometime but I felt I needed to do something. It feels very real when I share this but but have not please to DUMP IT OUT if you will. Any feedback is appreciated.
Beginning*******
I am writing this and sending it to all of you because it is time for this pattern of dysfunction to be put to an end. In order for that to happen it requires action on
all of our parts. I am involving all of you because you each have a role in my life and in what continues to happen. You all will know the truth eventually regardless of whether it comes from me or not. With time or with not. This situation has yet to reach critical mass, but it will. When it does these things I am telling you will come flooding to the present. You may never truly bear witness to this if you are still lost in your own ego, sense of entitlement, non-functional, non-working stuff, lies, delusions, etc.
Your automatic reaction will be to become defensive, combative, attacking, blaming and vengeful. Blame me, that’s fine. I am used to this from you and have broad stable shoulders to bare its weight. Additionally, it is appropriate as I am the one risking an already damaged opinion you have of me by bringing it up. It is ok to feel that way. It is understandable and it would be odd if you didn’t.
However, keep in mind to do so reinforces what I am about to say. What you do with this opinion is the true test of a human being as well as a test of your devotion to our Creator. Ignoring it is a message in and of itself. It is also what I have come to expect from each of you. The message you surly would not understand, but those of us apart from you do. Be pissed, be angry, hate me, call me names, dump it on me.
DO NOT DUMP IT ON OUR KIDS. If there is something you wish me to hear I am ready for it.
Before you are moved to action take a very close and intuitive look at what I am saying and accept what part of it is true. Discard all other. This is my truth. It is fact as I see it. Beyond that, and because I have no control over you it is what you decide to make of it. I am being honest. I am being authentic. With that you will be bothered by it because the face of honesty in our lives right now is not the one in the mirror but in something beyond ourselves. I will tell you that it comes from a desire for healing and an understanding of what it will take for that to happen. I have spent countless hours seeking this understanding. To those this hurts. IT should. Is that pain not the force that causes people to change who they are? I am a living testament to that. I am risking a lot exposing my feeling to the three people in my life who have caused the most damage. It is you this message is custom designed for. My mother, my sister, and the man I pledged my heart to.
J.– You screwed up, colossally. More than I could imagine any one person in a whole entire lifetime. That is not slander it is fact. Sex, babies, cars, clothes, materials, dogs, homes, guns, food etc., won’t fix it. If you are not aware of that then it is not up to me to point it out or be around (thankfully) for the day when you realize it. You made a decision that sent you down the most deceitful deep rabbit hole any person I have met has been. YOU TOOK
(SON) AND ME WITH YOU!!! You apologized and then made hugely dishonorable decisions since then.
I trusted you. I trusted the vows and the promises you made to me to protect me and to protect my son, to put us first. I trusted that you were what you said you were and that you possessed the moral compass and values that I wanted my son taught. I question this now. I question the morals you are teaching my son, as I should, you have proven you cannot be trusted and that you moral compass is BROKEN.
You have the power to change things. My son belongs with me. He belongs with the person who didn’t put his mistress before him. He belongs with the ONLY person who has the heart, emotional strength, and spiritual power to ensure the healing of his family. MY FAMILY!!! You got in bed with my sister and risked my son’s wellbeing! Your life will continue to bring forth the karma that your decisions have earned you. If you wish to make that critical change and start bringing forth positivity one key things needs to happen. You must send my son home. You will need to work with me to ensure that his life is protected from what the future of yours holds. Honor!!! It has to be restored.
K– You know how to get forgiveness. I have told you. Levi has told you, and your grandmother has told you. God and our mother cannot tell you because it is not they you have wronged. You say you know what it takes to enter into the House of God and be redeemed. Maybe you don’t because you haven’t started doing it. The people that really love you, myself included can help you if the latter is the case. Your apologies lack true intention. Your apologies are veiled in justification so that no one can take them serious. I real apology hits the mark and is followed by changes clear to those the apology is meant for. It is you that hides behind God and does nothing to earn the redemption it seems you are filling the airspace with. I have told you before the truth lives up to scrutiny. Your truth and the life you are now living with my ex-husband and my son; the truth of its foundation has not, and will not hold up to scrutiny by those whose lives it has impacted. (NAMES OMMITEd) and so the list goes on). THIS INCLUDES my SON! This is why you are left grasping at weak arguments, justifications, and convincing yourself it is ok.
Stop being a victim!!! You married a man your entire family warned you about. IT WAS YOU THAT DID THAT. It is you that is now paying the consequences for those choices. You brought (3 minor children) and my son into that situation too. As with J. you got in bed with my husband and risked my son’s wellbeing. His wellbeing was
best insured in the home, family and situation he was in that I had created. The family you and J. destroyed. The situation he is in now is not as good as what he had with me HIS MOTHER. We, you, I, (son) would not be going through this is you had valued my sons life more then your own or that of your own sister who to this day
wants what is best for you. It hurts me more deeply then you could ever know to acknowledge that this is the person you appear have become. I care about you and want more for you. It hurts me deeply that you give NO real indication or proof that you are NOT still this person.
You married the two men who lives you became entangled that have brought you to the place you are today.
This does not mean that you cannot move past it. It is absolutely the Universal Laws that dictate you can. As with J. honor must be restored in order to fix this. To be clear what this means is: that although the decisions you have made that should not have been made, forgiveness is gained when you have done what is necessary to gain forgiveness and honor. This is the path to redemption. By making right what you have made wrong. This doesn’t mean leaving the situation you are in. By no means would that help. It requires adopting a moral code that restores your reputation and making changes in your life to prove (NOT TO YOURSELF) but to the rest of the world you are a good person. After that forgiveness will come to you naturally. Standing up to our mother for telling out children lies is a good place to start. If you are not strong enough for that I hope your God helps to develop this strength in you. I cannot change you, or him, but I can certainly hope that for your own emotional and spiritual growth you understand this. I want this for you but only you can make it happen.
Mother –Where to start with you? Even thinking about it requires me to take a deep breath and gather my wits. I LOVE YOU. If that is the last thing you hear from me hear I hope that is it. Despite being told by professionals I shouldn’t. You are my mother. The tears I have cried over you could fill an ocean. However:
You abandoned three of your children!!! FACT.
You emotionally abuse your grandchildren!!!! FACT
You attempt to turn that sweet innocent child against his MOTHER, ME. FACT
You hold hate and anger against me when it is you who is filled to the brim with this. FACT
You taught my sister and I it is ok to use and manipulate people to get what we want, to do so to NO END. FACT (this is not healthy it is abuse)
You told her love was more important than her morality. FACT
You taught me and my sibling that loving someone was contingent on their day to day mistakes and behavior. FACT
You lead us astray. FACT
You let my father abuse us. FACT
You abused us by failing to see how badly we needed a good strong example
You put your needs first. FACT
YOU TAUGHT US YOU DIDN’T WANT US!!!!!!!
You are still sending my brother and I the message that you do not want us. FACT
What you tell my son and my niece about his mother/aunt is not acceptable. FACT
Do you tell yourself this is ok? That we are the ones delusional? Do you believe the lies you spread to others, TO our CHILDREN? If you knew that path of wreckage your behavior has left you would be on your knees praying for the strength and wisdom to change it. That is if GOD were really in your heart.
YOU ARE AT THE SOURCE of this WHOLE MESS. Start doing right by your prodigy and learn to act like a grown women and a caring individual. Do you honestly think that when you are on your death bed that the truth of who you are (RIGHT NOW) will not be the legacy you are leaving your children and grandchildren? Think of your future.
The two women in my life who should love me the most have committed the ultimate betrayal. You have assisted in helping have my son taken my son from me. DO NOT PRETEND you are just standing by your man. DO not pretend you are not active in helping. You are so deeply and disturbingly involved in their lives that there is little hope of change as long as that is the case. If this were not the case you would have encouraged her to do the right thing by my son, by your other daughter ME! You helped create this mess and have done nothing but further hurt us all since. You told them it was ok to love each other at me and my son’s expense. You have proven that you will respond a certain way regardless of how nice I am in saying it. So I don't bother tidying this up for you in order to not reveal your puniness. Hence the reason we didn’t speak for the years before their affair.
You have an obligation to do what is best for your children.
STOP BEING A VICTIM!!!
Stop teaching my little sister that it is ok to be a victim. I love her and she deserves more than that. She deserves authentic and unconditional love just as I do. Stop teaching my son and my nieces it is ok to be a victim. (MY Brothers) and I deserve more too.
WE ARE NOT VICTIMS. We are human beings that make and learn from our mistakes. We are love and we are meant to be loved….. If this hurts your heart evaluate WHY.
You think I am mean, crazy and a bully? I just say things you Kelsey and James don’t like to hear. I have done nothing but to call all you on your bullshit. I would expect that from the people that love me. I speak the truth and it is hurtful. If you take the truth to mean crazy then my brother shall be in the same boat.
Now you have a chance to stand with me in my pain, as my parent, and seek to really know me. Will you? I am the person who wants to forgive your transgressions. I would do this for my son. Call him. Call me. Accept responsibility for your actions. DO NOT EXPECT to not have to work for it though. Your actions require that you spend the rest of your life dealing with the consequences whether my brothers and I are a part of it or not. What you chose to do with that is entirely up to you. I have every right to be angry. Levi more so. You are punishing him for what I Kelsey and I have done. Not for anything that could be tied to him. That is unless of course you consider that he recognizes the truth. You will get defensive and if that is the place that you choose to stay then I bid you farewell and offer that it is a sinking ship. I will love you but I will not be there to say goodbye. This is my farewell to you until such time that you start acting like the mother I and my family deserve. This is MY LAST request for counseling or a starting point.
******MOTHER*****
When you die is this how you want your children and grandchildren to be left? With the image of a women who did not want us? The image of a women who when is no longer getting from us what she wants, discards us? The memory of a woman who loved conditionally as long as we did what she wanted? When Emma, Kate Angus, Will and the other are no longer doing what you want will you discard them too? Simply is this who you want us to remember you as?
I am fighting for my son and my family. I will NOT GIVE UP!! My family and my child deserve this and so much more.
Call me. I will accept your apology. I will listen, I will talk. I wish not harm but for you to be better.
I have a right to have people in my life that are strong enough to stand in my anger and pain (as has my brother) and be there for me. I am worthy of this and so much more.
I am worthy of having my child, my sister and my mother in my life in a healthy manner. I am worthy of speaking my truth and having that acknowledged. I am worthy of having what has happened, at your hands, spoken out loud about.
I am fighting for the LOVE my family deserves. I am not sure what has had to happen in your own life to make this acceptable but IT IS NOT!! L. and I are not blinded by our own delusions. We are deserving of LOVE. Certainly since you are claiming you have found God you recognize he and I deserve love.
I do not need to hide behind God because I do not need to hide who I am. My truth and the truth of who I am STANDS UP TO the scrutiny my loved ones pay it. My message may seem contradictory. This is because what is at the surface is pain, hurt and anger. As it is the case with each of you. Rightfully so! Beyond those emotions aching to be addressed and resolved it what lies in my heart and the healing I hold.
The three of you can change this. You have the power to set this back on a healthy, spiritually blessed and healing path. Here is how:
1) Let the pain of your behavior enter and soffen your heart
2) Send my son home. Focus on the wellbeing of our children
3) Accept and apoligize (atone, repent etc. ) to those your behavior has harmed
4) Ask for forgivness
5) Acknowledge the feelings that we have as warranted and are our truth. This does not mean it is everyones
6) Accept that it is you who caused the bulk of this situation
7) STOP BEING DEFENSIVE
8) STOP PRETENDING YOU ARE A VICTIM. JUST STOP!!!!
9) Stop blame shifting and believing your own delusions
10) Involve a third party would be perfect. Grandma is trustworthy and reasonable
11) Come to the table with your grievences
12) Be prepared to hear and acknowledge ours
13) Be prepared to answer our questions too
14) BE HONEST
15) See me and my brother for who we are not what you have made up about us
16) Put our children first
17) Stop making excuses.
18) Recognize we are not our behavior
19) Tell the truth about what you are doing
20) Call me. If I am not in a place where I can talk constructivly then I will say so. I will call you back when I am.
That is the first step.
21) SAY “I am sorry.” Note: the period at the end of that sentence. Do not say more
22) Accept and acknowlege my pain and be strong enough to face me, stand with me to heal
23) Make a commitment to change to the family to whom you belong
24) Risk facing my pain, hurt, anger to reconcile what has occurred
25) Risk rejection to become a better person
26) Finally and most importantly, be the example of the lives you claim to be living and the example you claim to have become
27) Stop the cycle of distrust, abuse, lies and dishonesty RIGHT NOW. MAKE A Commitment
28) Accept that I am commited to all of these things and MORE if that is what it takes to fix this.
I am ready, humbled, and open to doing what ever needs to be done to resolve this. I will say this though. My son must be with me. There will be no place for healing until I am given closure on my marriage and am able to move forward with my life the way the Universe intends on it.
Please, please, please just do the right thing. Help me stop this and begin to repair it. We all know I cannot do it alone. I need your help. You need my help. It is what is best for each of us. It can be fixed and this is my attempt at making the first step. It may not be how you would intend it but is is REAL and it matters.
Without my son I have no closure!! The fight you started continues. I am not in control of that however. Only you are. The fact that the two of you “are over it” does not change that the right thing is for me to be given the chance to be over it too. In order for that to happen I must be given what is rightfully mine.
