NAPParenting

The stuff we're working on at www.napparenting.com isn't very baby-focused, and maybe we're preaching to the choir here, but we'll continue uploading and linking tips, videos, and essays around understanding and applying the NAP in the home. All of our solutions are grounded in philosophy and science, and we're always available for one-on-one discussion. Hope to see you there!

It's awful. I'm not sure if it even dignifies a response, or more publicity here. Highlights (I'm summarizing): Don't negotiate, don't help your child carry heavy things, don't seek your child's preferences at meal time, don't worry so much about them being happy, conceal from your child any disagreements you have with your spouse, force your child to work (or pay rent), kids should have no excuses for "bad behavior" or poor work ethic (not even due to physical hunger or fatigue), kids should be the first to challenge authorities, and only after they fail should the parent get involved. I'm hoping the good folks on this forum are as put-off as I am by this advice, but would be interested to start a discussion with those who would defend it.

To answer your first question, there could be some observation bias at work here. I mean, we see relationships fall apart all the time. Are you accurately measuring those that fall apart after having children compared to before having children? Perhaps having children just puts mediocre relationships to the ultimate test, and they fail. Whereas mediocre relationships can survive indefinitely when not facing the important decisions involved in child-rearing. I agree with S1988. You're in a good position now to follow the most important parenting advice there is : Don't make babies with the wrong person! Prevention is so much easier than the cure here. If you're not in an undying, 'nothing could be better', type of relationship, then is it fair to add a kid to the mix? You want your child to be able to someday say "thanks, mom/dad, for doing everything you could to make my life great". I'm guessing that you're "worried that if we married and had kids, our relationship would deteriorate again" because you already know, perhaps subconsciously, that those things would expose the weaknesses and break the limits of the relationship. I would say you have a duty to your child to get to the bottom of that before creating him/her, not after. If having children is a top priority for you, use that as motivation to either fix this relationship or move on to the next, hopefully ideal partner.

The exposure does need to stop. Have you come to the same conclusion? I think the fact that you're scared to talk to Bob's parents is very important. That fact alone would indicate to me that your kids shouldn't be hanging out. You're letting a man whom you're afraid of coach your son. By avoiding Bob's parents, you're modeling that behavior to your son. And I think that's exactly how you would "pass-down" your tendency to be bullied to your son (you've said it's already showing up with Bob). He would be mirroring your passivity and conflict-avoidance with aggressive, scary people. I'd be scared to talk to those parents too, it's never a fun conversation, and you're not crazy for assuming it might "cause a war" so to speak. They could yell at you, they could involve the school (although I'm not sure how that hurts you), and they could have revenge on the soccer field. All the more reason to get clear about what to expect, what you want, and plan and rehearse how you're going to get it. I think it's important to model a more proactive, assertive position here, and if you've been a victim of bullying, maybe that doesn't come naturally to you. So practice! Figure out exactly what it is that you want from this situation. (Don't assume you're going to be able to change these people). If you're going to have a discussion with them, figure out the few bullet points you want to get across, pick a time and place, and do it. If they want to get ugly about it, that's their choice, and will give you yet another reason to cut them out. In my experience, confronting bullies is usually a lot less scary than I imagine it will be, and is usually sufficient to get them to back down. So the message could simply be "We don't like this influence, we don't want our son to be around yours." and if you're feeling neighborly/generous you could offer to help them with their troubles. Standing up for your son this way, you can think of it as your chance to redo your own childhood, and use your experience to shield him from the damaging relationships you suffered with. What do you wish your parents did for your when you were a kid?