Echopeak

Warning: This is a long post. I hope it is clear enough to understand. It contains a lot of information and musing to unpack or understand. I welcome your thoughts, advice, questions, or criticism. Read at your own peril. I have been in a long period of self-work and I keep coming back to one core issue that I am failing to get any traction on. I think that indicates that I have internalized some historical shame or trauma deeply enough that I am currently unable to break free of. I think it comes down to this- A] I am a gay man fixated on the ideal of a natural family (heterosexual parents creating 100% genetically related children). Perhaps I have internalized shame about the years of accusations of faggotry in my teenage years, fears of creating an unnatural family that destabilizes my children´s ability to build healthy relationships, and a fixation on the ideal heterosexual family that I never experienced as a child. Or… B] I am some kind of not-gay man fully capable of building a natural family but I keep myself in a relationship with my male partner because it is convenient, because I am being cowardly about approaching women, because I have a fetish for intact penises due to my foreskin being removed in infancy and I feel inadequate due to loss of my foreskin, or because I am seeking some kind of self-love from another male that I am unable to provide to myself at this time. Some relevant history might be prudent- I was caller 3 on FDR #3992. I recognize that in the call, my partner and I both spoke at length to our family history, and shared more than was potentially necessary. I think we were both just relieved at having SOMEBODY finally interested in hearing what we had to say. Stef was firm and saw through to cornerstone issues. While the show title says otherwise, I never claimed that I was NOT gay, just that I considered deeply that I might not be gay, and had experienced a surge in same-sex attraction. I spent the next months in continued reflection and self-work. At some point in the weeks following the call, I felt some shifts from my self-work. I considered that I had internalized shame at being accused of faggotry for years in my family, and desperately did not want to be gay. I am still with my partner today, months later. But I am very unsure of my initial assumption that I was just deeply ashamed of being gay. I have never felt like I fit in to any gay lifestyle. I do not do anal sex. I do not enjoy it, nor do I have interest in it whatsoever. I only have interest in masturbatory sexual behaviors with my partner. He and I have been fine with this since we got together 8+ years ago. I sometimes have to fantasize about sex with women to successfully orgasm with my partner. I do appreciate the male body, particularly the intact penis. I have some deep longing for what was cut from me in infancy. I have been restoring my foreskin for about a year now. Maybe if I restore my foreskin, I will experience a drastic reduction in same-sex attractions and interest. I have historically been in two long term relationships with women. Both around two years, though the first of these relationships was a high-school relationship that I believe was not a foundational one. The second lasted two years, just out of high school. I never had sexual issues besides very occasionally fantasizing about guys to successfully orgasm. I ended this relationship after she contracted gonorrhea, yet we had both tested clean at the start of our relationship (besides my Herpes Simplex Virus 1, which she knew of before we ever started dating), I had been entirely monogamous during our relationship, and I tested clean (besides my HSV1) while she had this STD. My herpes might play into this issue as well, regarding internalized shame and anger or issues with women. My mother gave my two younger brothers and I herpes when I was 6 years old. It is one of my earliest and most disgusting memories of childhood. She ordered us all to line up, and she said she was going to give us all a gift so we would always know how much she loved us. She kneeled down and gave us all deep mouth kisses. She had an oozing sore on her lower lip. I remember being frozen with fear and disgust, and very confused. Mouth kisses were never allowed in our family, my mother considered them obscene and inappropriate. We only ever gave kisses on the cheek, if ever, usually just hugs. My two younger brothers and I have gotten coldsores on our lips ever since. My third youngest brother who was born years after this incident apparently never recieved the same ¨gift¨ because he has never had coldsores. A couple years later, my female cousin initiated sexual intercourse with me when we had started playing ¨Doctor¨ with eachother. Upon discovery of this by the adult women of the family (all of whom have borderline personality symptoms and behaviors to a T), I was punished severely physically and verbally and told that it was never okay to do that. I found out years later that she had done the same initiation with my younger brothers on multiple occasions, as well. I am sure that these sexual abuses play into my sexual confusion today, but I have a very difficult time breaking into that without getting very foggy-brained and exhausted. I have been having intense dreams lately where I have a natural family, but still live the same simple homestead life that I do currently. A wife, kids running around on the homestead, and the day-to-day joys and troubles. I have also been having very powerful reactions when I see children or young families. This experience is rare, though, because I spend almost no time in town, and my nearest neighbors live a mile away from my secluded valley. I have major concerns about raising children in a gay family, about adoption, surrogacy, or any other options available to gay couples. My partner does not share the same level of concern. Perhaps he is correct to trust that ¨we can find a solution to all of that¨, but I struggle to find any ethical acceptance of raising children in anything but a natural family. There is a lot more family history that could play a role in this, but I have got to stop at some point. Any thoughts for methods to gain some traction on my core issue: gay-but-fixated vs. not-gay-and-capable? Thanks, Brandon

Thank you. I will post soon about what I believe is the core issue to what I am dealing with.

I am caller 3.

Good morning. I have been a long time lurker on this forum, and listened to FDR for years. Despite this, I know I have major shifts to make in my life. I have been working through a lot of my history in the last months. There are some issues that I am still feeling completely blocked on. I think it is time I open up on here to get some perspective from other FDR listeners. I was on the call in show months ago (FDR 3992). The call was important to helping me make shifts in my life, but I fear that I am still not living the best life that I can. Thanks, Brandon