Nat. Olivier

Hi there like minded people. I have discovered FDR about 6 months ago which has been extremely helpful. I was an office manager of a very impressive $55 mil AUD aged care facility and on the 10th November I believed I witnessed the unnecessary death of a resident as I have many years in aged care this was an experience that I knew was absolutely horrific although you cannot make allegations without proof in the preceding weeks I spent hours and weekends investigating progress notes and CCTV footage and eventually after my eternal investigation I had no choice but to whistle-blow. As a result of this my entire life crumbled I was bullied I was mistreated to the point that I ended up in hospital thinking I was having a heart attack it turned out to be a panic attack which to say the least was extremely embarrassing. From the actions I took this became headline news all over Australia and if any good came out of my action it was discovered that the coroner is now investigating 5 other deaths at the facility. Also the Aged Care Agency has now changed rules that they do not have to inform the organizations when visiting. I knew at the time that my decision would obviously lead to me getting sacked however something worse happened I was bullied and abused to the point that I ended up in hospital. I had to seek a solicitor and for the last 6 months I have been at home stagnant and hopeless and all the legalize take place. To add insult to injury when the story broke in the news my husband made and off handed comment that some women from his work would be contacting him regarding this, I was stunned, why would some strange women at his work be contacting him about this very serious confidential issue I had been dealing with. Red flags immediately were raised. Without going into much details I asked my husband to show me his phone which he refused and once I had the phone he physically assaulted me trying to get the phone back this had NEVER happened before. A couple of nights later I waited till 3 am in the morning "stole" his phone and found the most disgusting salacious conversations he had with this women. My husband works away on the mines and is gone for 14 days at a time and home for 6 days this affair had been going on for 6 months they even discussed Christmas and gifts they had shared with him referring to his penis and whether she would like it wrapped or not. They spent Christmas day together I spent Christmas day alone with my pets. As you can imagine this devastated me, I am trapped in a situation where I am not allowed to work as all these court cases are going on and I have to stay with a man that did this to me. I felt hopeless and decided to end my life, obviously I failed and was put in a mental health institution which I can only describe as hell or what I imaging jail is. I thought I was a christian but have come to the conclusion that I cant find any sort of grace from God I am confused and scared. I attend counseling arranged from the police as well as private counseling, I was drugged so badly that about 4 weeks ago I decided to stop all the meds it just was not helping. I have never felt so lonely in my life. My husband who now declares his "undying love " for me has not ever explained why he did it, he says it was for attention. On Monday he told me I need to forgive him without conditions. I cant do that, I need an explanation, I need to know what is wrong with me, why would someone who I have loved so much hurt me this badly Every friend I had has left and literally all I ever do is listen to Stefan's podcasts. All I want is to be myself again, a hard working fun person and I have become a total recluse, I don't want to die I really don't but pain is so intense I am not sure how to get rid of it. As for my childhood I have an ACE score of 9. It was horrible, however from a little a kid I decided whatever my single mother did, I would do the exact opposite. I was not a great mum, but after listening to Stefan I spoke to my kids and I was brutally honest with them, telling them I was terrible to them I am sorry for what I did, I remember spanking my son once, he does not remember it, I asked them if I ever called them names they both said not mum you never did (I never thought I did), they did not even want to hear an apology they believe I am some great mother who had a severe traumatic childhood and believe i did well. I am not that sure. I will say that they are both very successful professional children who live extremely good lives and I always tell them that its not because of me, its in spite of me. But these precious masterpieces will hear none of it. All my "babies" ever say to me is mummy all we want is for you to find peace that will complete our lives. I don't know how to find peace. I hope that by sharing this with you someone might show me or guide me in away to rid this terminal pain I feel inside. Thanks for taking the time to read this