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Here is proof that women are as perfectly capable of levels of violence and abuse as men.

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Hi guys. I felt like this was the right thing to do because this could possibly help others going through the same thing. Some of you may be going through your history, and bad things may be popping up. Stuff that you'd rather forget that you did, or more honestly stuff you wish you could change/fix. I am dealing with a few things of my own, but I wanted to firstly apologize to anyone who may have read my post on JohnnyBoy's last topic a few months ago. In it I stated that "as long as you haven't done any un-restitutable harm, you can still have love". This was incredibly irresponsible of me. For someone going through a hard time, reading that and applying it to their specific situation (considering their potential lack of knowledge about this kind of stuff) may have sapped them of the drive to keep digging through their history to better understand and empathize with themselves at a younger age, or even stuff they did recently. This could have left those who saw it in a really dark place, and I don't wanna leave people in dark places. This isn't the rock-solid rule. You never know what connections you can make in therapy. You never know what insight you can hear that makes it all come into focus and makes everything clear. If you are dealing with this type of stuff, do not give up. The fact that you're here, that your true self is alive, that means something. Keep searching until you find that bit of information that makes it all understandable because your true self survived, and that is a fact that should not be over-looked. To quote/paraphrase Stefan in a podcast called Restitution and The Future: "You said we can't do anything about the past. And I don't think you understand what a thing that was to say to me, someone who has spent a lot of time focusing on the past. The truth is that there is something that we can do about the past. And that is to understand the truth about it." I hope this can help some of you or inspire others to keep pushing the bar in therapy. The answers are somewhere in your head and you owe it to yourself and your future to keep digging. IN ADDITION: If you could, could you send this post out to some of your friends on this board? I want to try to get this message out to as many people as possible. I can't do anything about those that may have seen it while browsing and not logged in (there's no way to tell how many people saw it) and that's something I have to deal with but I want as many people to see it as possible, so if you could boost the message I would greatly appreciate it.

Hello Stefan, Thank you for your video titled "An Important Birthday Message From Stefan Molyneux", I enjoyed listening to it. Even though I understand the essence of the message, it does not change my desire to not have children. In all honesty, I don't think I'll live long enough to care about never having had children. 9 years ago, I discovered Stefan's content about peaceful parenting and the effects of spanking/abuse. I became angry. Extremely angry. At my parents. Also at myself for letting it happen (even though there wasn't much I could do back then). It took me years to identify all of my behaviors, defense mechanisms, habits and attitudes that were a possible direct result of the abuse, address them and attempt to change them. I'm still not done but I've made quite a leap. I'm 42, Sunday was my dad's 65th birthday. 3 weeks ago, I decided to post a long blog post about my experiences & the abuse that my brother and I suffered. It was not meant to present myself as a victim or a survivor (I despise this word), it was to share personal consequences so that those who have suffered abuse but never made the link could (if applicable) suddenly realize that who they are & what they think and do might be because of this abuse. I also listed the long list of consequences made available by the scientific literature. I concluded by saying that even though I want to remain far from my parents, have few contacts with them and do not want to care for them, I forgive them. But they know that my desire to push them away is a direct consequence of my realization of the consequences of their behavior & abuse. Last week, my relationship with my partner with whom I have been for 4 years ended. She's the love of my life. But 3 months ago, I discovered that I'm sterile. She's 32, she WANTS kids. I won't go into all of the details, but due to many factors, we concluded that it was time to go our separate ways. We love each other deeply, but for her to be happy, I must let her go. It's possibly the most difficult decision I've ever had to take. But, in some ways, it's a relief. For over two decades, the main reason why I didn't want to have kids is that I didn't want to imitate my parents' behaviors. I thought that because abuse is all I had known, I felt that I was at risk of reproducing the same behavior with my own children, of perpetuating this cycle of violence. So I decided to never have any children of my own, for their own sake. With this partner though, and with the changes that I have gone through in the last few years, I was telling myself that even though I don't want kids, it would probably be okay to have some with her. But really, I was fooling myself. These thoughts were coming from a need for emotional security and relational stability. It took me a few days to realize that (having been trained in non-violent communication helped me a lot during this process). These thoughts were not fair to her, and I came clean. This coming weekend, I'm moving out. I want to give her space, and time to "get over me". It's not easy for her, she's been crying a lot recently. Me too I must admit. We're both very sad. Rarely will you hear of people getting separated because they love each other. But deep down, I know that the only way to make her happy is to let her go and find someone who wants kids (and be with that person). So to come back to Stefan's message, I've had [for years] this distinct feeling that I won't live long. I regularly think about ways to end my life. Not that I'm ready to do it (it's not at all the case, I still find reasons to get up every morning, even though I'm just a slave in a meaningless company), but I think about the impact on people around me, how I would do it and when to do it. If this is what I've been thinking for a long time now, why would I have kids? One day, the physical consequences of this childhood abuse will get to me. I'm a pessimist and I'm tired of living on this farm & to be livestock for people who do not give a flying fuck about my state of mind & health. So why impose such a sad view of life on children? Over time, I've changed many behaviors and ways of thinking, but some remain. And they don't change, even if I'm conscious of their existence. I have potential, but I also have limits. And I'm not the type to see hope everywhere. I have a very negative outlook on life, which I believe comes from childhood abuse (that and the fact that I don't have a penny to my name, another consequence of this abuse). I'm certain that one day, I'll be just another puny statistic on male suicide. So why impose such consequences on children? It would be totally irresponsible to have kids to then kill myself when they are old enough, or when I will definitely have had enough of this miserable life. I'm glad that some folks out there want kids and are happy having some. This is not in the cards for me. And in any case, I believe it's too late for me. I want to travel the world, see great things, and die in peace. I do not believe in an afterlife, nor do I believe in a god. In my eyes, we're just alive. We are utterly insignificant in the grand scheme of things and I don't believe that we are oh-so-fucking-important. We're not. You're not. I'm not. One day, I'll just cease to be, and will be as historically irrelevant as any other biological entity before (and after) me. This is not a way of thinking that I wish to convey to my possible children. At least, in my opinion anyway, I am awake enough to know this is not a proper state of mind to raise children. In conclusion, thank you Stefan for your positive contribution to this world. I'll try to leech a bit more of your knowledge & wisdom here and there until I'm done. :-) testdummy

Hi all, this is first post here - I am looking for advise from like - minded peope who have been in similar situation. Any tips are greatly appreciated. Thank you. It's been a year since I have been in thereapy and discovered FreedomainRadio - it's been the best year of my life and I never felt more alive. However, with self knowledge come dealing with toxic people in my life (including my family). Especially dealing with my parents is tough and I woudl be greatful for your support and insight. Here is some background that I think is important: My father: he was brought up in communist era, his mother was working since he was 3 months-old and he was put into a daycare ever since. His parents cared about him, but didnt really know him. They preised him for his academic and sport achievements. He always had to be him + some sort of success. There was verbal abuse in the family. Financially, they were doing really well and had a good socio-ekonomic status in their society. My father is very inteligent and succesfull man, however he struggles with proximity. If there is important topic to discuss, he often gets annoyed and agressive - he must win the discussion. He is not used to negotiate in peaceful way. Lately he tries, but the topic / issue is not opened unless someone else brings it up. My mother: was born into family with 8 other children (she was the youngest). Her family was very poor and abusive to the point that my mother was taken away from them (not sure at what age exactly but I think she was about 4-7). Since then she grew up in a childcare facilities. Until this day I am not sure how bad her abuse was (I am aware that she had been beaten / had had cigarete burns and I am not sure if the abuse was of sexuall nature as well, but its possible). She doesnt like to talk about anything realted to her early childhood before she was taken away from her family. She also claims that her past is not important because she is not in touch with her parents or siblings (note, that we have never met or seen any of them and I think she hasnt seen them since she was a teenager). She says that she had a great time in those childcare facilities! and that it has not affected her at all! Its hard to get any sort of inforamtion from her about her past. She can not admit she is/was wrong in anything- ever. Its very difficult for her to apologize. My mother always cared about me and my siblings in terms of having enought food, clean clothes, playing with us and preparing us for school, however, this lasted only until we became teenagers and had our own opinions and created our own personality. She had no idea how to deal with us once we were not dependent infants. She cant deal with anoyone disagreeing with her. The relationship of my parents wasn't good. Their argues got rather agressive, they were not able to communicate and solve issues and in addition, they were cheating on each other. They got divorced eventually (I was 13 at that time). The divorce was not discussed very much and we simply moved out with our mother. My father paid child support and we saw him every other weekend (or more) - he was happy in his new relationship (woman he later married and are still together). In the meantime, the situation home with my mother escalated. Our mother was very nervous and constantly complaining about not having enough money. We started to argue a lot - at one point she told me she hated me and that I was the same as my father (mind: the man she married and had 3 children with)! She started to physically attack me - this confuse me a lot, it seems the parents stop hitting their children when they grow up, but she started to beat me when I was 13 - 15. At that time I knew I could attahk her back but I was afraid that I woudl hurt her! Obviously, she didnt have the same concern about hurting me. Seeing how little empathy she had towards me really hurts my feelings. I havent had much contact with my mother since I was 19 (its about 10 years of very little contact / close to none). Last time I talked to her was about 5 months ago and I tried to discuss what I learned in therapy. She eventually apologized, but it wasnt genuine and she keeps saying I just need to move forward and dont bring the past up. She is quite a bully and doesnt want to work on herself. In her mind, something is wrong with me to bring issues from the past up. I never said anything to my father about the beating and argues with my mother. I think deep down I knew he wouldnt get involved to fix it. Recently I told him and his answer was quite shocking - he said: "I thought something was going on between you and your mother"! He didnt know how bad it was, but he didnt even ask! This makes me angry. On one hand, i woudl like to have relationship with at least one parent but on the other, how can you not care about your children when they are being hurt? My father has done some work on himself and he is able and willing to discuss things. He will be comming over soon. I woudl like discuss it with him. Do you think I am hypocrat for talking to my father but not my mother? Does any of you have similar issue and how you approached it? Did this sort of discussion helped you? Thank you so much - any feedback welcomed.

I was listening to Podcast 2254 and in it the caller is confessing to physically abusing his siblings from when he was (I think) eight to early 19. The caller is able to see his lack of total responsibility when he was a younger teen, but when he mentions that he still inflicted this abuse when he was 18, Stefan mentions that it was already a habit by then. When he says this it feels like he's absolving the caller of some responsibility for his actions. This may be the case and this may be true, but I can't pinpoint the reason why habitual abuse holds the abuser less responsible than just abuse in general. My gut tells me that since his environment was so severe, he had no external indicators that what he was doing was wrong, and that knowledge of alternatives (arguments against what he was doing) were not easily accessible, his only line of defense which would be that shred of empathy that his parents were beating out of him was all that stood between him and abuse, and naturally that fell. Now abuse to him would become commonplace. He'd get used to it, his mind would be warped by it, and as he aged it would become a part of life. I think the key here is when you start abusing. If he would have started when he was 18, he would not have been desensitized to the violence as he was. With more maturity he certainly would have had a harder time starting considering it wasn't something he'd become accustomed to. It would be like bringing this alien into his life he'd never seen before. Another thing to consider is that right when he found FDR he stopped. UPB was that alternative that helped him see his abuse. It shined a flashlight on this thing that nobody had ever shined light on before. What does everyone here think about this? Moral responsibility isn't always a black and white ordeal as we know, but is it shifted by habitual abuse that started when the mind was much less mature that alternatives weren't available for?

How comedy and fame are used as coping mechanisms for one's hurtful childhood.

Self-identifying as mentally ill holds the door wide open for abusers to destroy the target's recovery process. Advocates of codependent relationships utilize psychiatric labels to manipulate and brainwash targets into the false belief that they have to rely on others to survive; ultimately destroying the target's sense of self and their autonomy. Psychiatric labels often perpetuate victim blaming, which then leads to people ignoring the primary cause of the target's behavior and/or emotional distress. [For example, high energy young boys are often scapegoated by narcissistic parents, with the label of ADHD.] If you have gained value from watching this video, please consider leaving a positive rating! :-) // https://www.youtube.com/c/sachaslone // 5000+ subscribers // 100+ videos //

Hello. I have suffered from social alienation most of my life, and have always been surprised by this as I am fairly smart (top 5% SAT/GRE/various others), tall, athletic, etc. I see myself as generally ethical, and am fairly circumspect before acting generally. I did move to an area with a college campus and many social justice warrior types, and had a very difficult time there, but wrote off my social troubles as being due to that. In short, I took a couple years off dating then started again about a year ago, and ran into a series of seemingly disturbed people in short order. The first was a single mother who was very attractive, but it was an odd online arrangement. The thing deteriorated when she mentioned believing in crystals, the color of people's auras, and chakras. I also briefly saw a girl who was a daily pot smoker for the better part of a decade, who had been seeing a physically abusive boyfriend for 5 years who just left a week prior, and to whom she returned to after stating that she was done permanently with him. One question- am I & Stefan being too rigorous about requiring people to be logical? If I honestly had to do it over, I would have ignored these idiosyncrasies as I had previously been totally alone and now am again. To make matters worse, I did not expect to get attached to either, but a week after the second one ended, I suddenly had an 'acute stress reaction,' couldn't sleep for 3 days, and had to get Xanax from a physician, then ended up trying to see her after the xanax reduced the inhibitions at work and had a flurry of punches thrown at me in front of one of the nicer establishments in town, right around the corner from where I lived, and basically had my reputation destroyed as during a couple occasions dating I had a bit of performance anxiety after having taken a year off dating and being a bit nervous. The first girl I messed around with was a socialist and feminist and invited me back to her place after we met at a bar, then invited me into bed, then told her friends that I had been 'sexually aggressive' the next day and threw a tantrum, after being totally normal the next morning and asking for my phone number. The problem worsened as I entered a suicidal depression after being in what I thought was turning into a normal relationship with an empathetic person. People who knew both of us around town would make subtle asides regarding very private things I had shared, attempting to be vulnerable as Stefan suggested. I could see them really getting off on it, and during the girl's explosion she mentioned that I had never meant anything and the whole thing was insincere- girl here is relative- late 20s aren't girl ages (I'm early 30s). Anyway I found Richard Grannon's spartan life coach youtube channel, and it really, in my opinion, saved my life. I had noticed some odd behaviors like the narcissist death stare, and a fit of rage after mildly suggesting that daily drug use was a bad idea (while trying to help someone to be more healthy), and suggesting that while she was very attractive with a bit of regular exercise she could probably be a model or something similar. In any case, Grannon and Stefan had broached the topic of poor relationships being a result of patterning off primary caregivers. Further, my father is largely deaf, and thus was somewhat emotionally distant. My mother is very volatile, and alternates between explosive anger, sulking, criticism, and detachment. The topic of my intelligence was always threatening to both of them, and Grannon pointed out that narcissists can view children as competition to their perfection, which I feel describes my case very well. I was so depressed in middle and high school, until rebelling, that I had dark circles under and around my eyes constantly, would blink frequently, and sometimes would have eyes water uncontrollably. This was totally ignored by them, and if I ever brought it up I would hear about my being lazy and getting Bs instead of As occasionally, how hard they worked, and how my misbehavior was threatening their marriage (I was a total nerd). I sought out assistance from my extended family, people to talk to, and was essentially told that I was being weak, that my parents are great people, and that I'm a bad and weak person. I had developed a drinking problem when originally in college and had a bit of legal trouble after getting in a fight with a group that assaulted me then turned victim when the cops arrived. To make matters worse, the resultant depression aided my making a series of poor financial choices, and losing 2 IT jobs in short succession over the course of the year, which has made my regaining entry into the field difficult. I was advised by a therapist to move closer to family as I was living across the country in an area with no family or friends. Upon returning home, I realized that the reason I had left was that there was nothing to stay for. I am nothing more than a whipping boy for the family's frustrations, and always suspected but now have confirmed that they were looking for an excuse to discard me, which they now have from the financial troubles. I suppose I'm writing to see if anyone has had similar problems. While up there, I had always spoken my mind about FDR-type principles and found myself losing jobs, and friendships or relationships, etc very quickly in a very leftist, SJW-type climate with a state capital and state main campus in the same town, in the very reserved upper midwest, where truth is frowned upon if it causes any social stir. It seems that my attempt to be ethical has met with nothing but trouble. I get the sense, generally, that the ethical are being bred out of the gene pool. I'm fairly physically fit and surf, and always see the attractive women with very seemingly weak types, or ethnic minorities. It's very strange as when I engage people in conversation, with the exception of strong-willed professional types like myself or foreigners, they seem to drift or bolt away, especially females. I almost never see them with people that look like the type of person I am / would want to be- able to stand up straight. I do live in a semi-rural area currently which is essentially a mixture of trust fund beneficiaries, retirees, and a somewhat criminalistic, hyper-aggressive underclass which struggles to serve them. To attempt a question again, why is it that by trying to be decent, I seem to get a reputation as a bad person? I was thoroughly maligned in the last place, utterly vilified. It was so frustrating to work 50-60 hours a week in IT, and be totally hated for being a white male, or not being subservient to every woman or minority- just trying to preserve some basic dignity for myself. Why is it that sociopathic, evil people are so able to manipulate their currency of lies and thoroughly convince others that they are the good, that the people they torture are bad, and do horrible things to people then walk away being praised with no ill consequence? And how do people treat their children so vilely and have no regret for doing so. I was basically suicidal and called them and they were too busy taking a vacation or something to visit. Whenever they have health problems I drop everything I'm doing and fly wherever. The cognitive dissonance is deafening, and I'm stuck here another week or month or so before being able to skip out elsewhere. It's just so incredible to return to where I grew up, invited by family who I ran from, to find the place I grew up in desolate of friends, inhabited largely by strangers with no interest in talking, all the relative opulence of material but none in warmth or friendship, and this constant, petty infighting for women and/or position. It seems so unattractive but pervasive, and I spent so much time thinking I could rise above it but no longer see people as being morally capable of doing so.

I finally finished editing a new video on the topic of toxic behavior in relationships. Eventually, I decided to divide it into two videos based on the topics discussed there. I am very pleased with the final product, and I can definitely recommend it to anyone interested in the subject. In the first part, I talk about the origins and mechanism of toxic behavior in adult relationships. Questions explored here: How do most people choose their adult relationships? What are the traits they are looking for in others and why? Why do we sometimes treat our close ones worse than strangers? Why do we act out in our relationships in general? In part two, I look at the options available for someone who is in an abusive, unhappy, or dissatisfying relationship. How can a person resolve a situation where they are in such a relationship?

I just finished a new three-part article series on silencing the voice of reason. Here's the first part. "In this series of articles, I will talk about people’s avoidance of reality, and about personal and social outrage when encountering a voice of reason. In the first part that is this article, I will explain the origins of a person’s unreasonable reaction to describing reality and the mechanism behind this phenomenon. I will also talk about the social outcomes of openly describing the unpleasant aspects of reality, especially child mistreatment." Read more here: http://blog.selfarcheology.com/2016/02/silencing-voice-of-reason-part-1.html

Every once in a while, targets who have gone no contact with their family of origin will start daydreaming and remembering the “happy good times” with the narcissist in their family. Well, I’m here to remind you that those were not fun, happy times. Those were disgusting, humiliating times. Those were very sad times. Self-Knowledge Daily — Doing the daily work of knowing who we are, and creating the conversation we want to see in the world. Search the growing archive of articles and videos by topic on our website. Follow us on Twitter and Facebook http://selfknowledgedaily.weebly.com/about.html

In this short video, I introduce the concept of self-doubt, and talk about the origins of self-doubt, potential problems with it, and results when and if its resolved.

The second episode of our podcast is here! In it, I and my co-host Jackie talk about the concepts of hope, passivity, (self-)responsibility, boundaries, and more. Get cozy and join us for an hour of self-archeology.

Hi friends. My friend called me with some devastating revelations about her husband. He and she need immediate therapy (they needed it before, obviously). I remember a few people on the show and even Stefan recommending a particular therapy (it goes by an acronym) that gets into past patterns of the family members (parents/grandparents) etc. Does anyone know what the acronym or the name of this therapy method is? I cannot remember for the life of me! A million thanks!!

On empathy for animals in contrast to empathy for children, and how to develop more empathy for others.

A new YouTube video of mine on the phenomenon of "holding a grudge."

I posted on Self-Archeology's blog an excerpt on the origins and effects of Freud's Oedipus Complex Theory: http://blog.selfarcheology.com/2015/12/on-freuds-theory-of-oedipus-complex.html

Last weekend I took a break from writing my book to record a few new videos. Here's one of them on universalizing the principle of non-abuse.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nEoW5rfNXM4 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cWscK_Lb1W8 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SLBLnNxzftM Above you have 3 links, first is an autistic woman talking about her experience as a teen with ABA therapy for autism, second it's a mother training her child obedience and third is an ABA session I found on youtube. What do you think? Is it ok what is going on in this therapy sessions? As an architect I am designing a therapy center for autistic children and this space must contain a space for this kind of therapy. I am starting to be uncomfortable placing such a space in this project even though is mandatory. All responses are useful but if someone on this forum has autism and went under ABA therapy, I would like to here your opinion on this!

The neighbor in the townhouse next to mine has been abusing her 5 year old boy. I hear screaming and high-pitched noises followed by harsh reprimanding by the mother just about every day. I've witnessed her threaten to beat the child as she wrestled him out of the car seat. I believe she is a single mother because I never see the father present. So far I've tried calling CPS. After waiting half an hour on hold I finally talked to someone who told me unconvincingly that people would come to check on the child. I could call back but I'm doubtful the authorities will actually intervene. I haven't said a word to the woman yet, I'm afraid of what I might do given how angry I feel about the situation. I think it would be good for the child to see that someone cares, but is there an effective way to do that? I know I want to do something, if only for my own sanity. I want to get advice from you guys in the community who have faced similar dilemmas.

Originally posted on Medium! Enjoy! As long as we stay around corrupt, abusive, and nasty people who overtly attack us, implicitly humiliate us through clever language tricks, or invalidate us subliminally through a sudden but brief look of contempt that immediately follows earnest proclamations that attempt to convince us they “understand where we’re coming from”, our entire emotional apparatus will remain compromised. So long as we remain in the presence of toxic people, our emotions will remain toxic through overstimulation; guilt becomes toxic shame, humiliation becomes chronic irritation, fear becomes hypervigilance and paranoia, while anger festers into murderous rage. Let’s have a more detailed look at anger as an example. Emotions are just another kind of information; information in the form of energy and the information that is being communicated through anger is that, not only has there been a violation or a transgression against you, but also that something needs to change, hence the energy which is designed to propel you into action. For instance, if you feel angry after being insulted by a bully, your anger is saying “get away from this person” or “remove yourself from the interaction”. But what happens when we cannot remove ourselves from the interaction? What happens if we are children, have no control over our environment and can’t escape because the bullies in our lives are our parents? Or, what happens even when we can control our environment and leave, but for whatever reason mistakenly believe that we can’t? Well, it is likely then that the anger will turn into rage. The difference between anger and rage is that while anger carries the message, “take control of your behavior and change things by leaving the dysfunctional environment”, rage says, “since we can’t remove ourselves from the environment let’s change things by controlling the other person” or, more simply put, by fighting back. This is why rage is often coupled with violent impulses to inflict physical or psychological damage on the other person. Again, it is designed to propel us into taking action that will change something. But what if we can neither fight nor flee from an abuser, as is almost always the case for children? What happens when we can’t run or when any attempt to fight results in greater harm for us? What happens when feeling these emotions become dangerous for us? The answer is that we end up feeling nothing. We become depressed. We enter the ‘freeze’ response similar to what we would enter into in the presence of a grizzly bear, a beast that we can neither fight nor run from; we play dead. Now, to be clear, it is terribly tragic for a child to ever have to enter into this response as a result of being raised by hostile parents, but at the same time it is totally healthy and necessary for preventing the child from further harm. It is unnecessary when this occurs for an adult who does indeed have the choice to get abusive people out of his life. Once we escape the corrupt and commit ourselves to healing, we slowly but surely can heal our emotional apparatus. And once we are safe to feel again, we gain access to our emotions like anger and grow confidence in our ability to process reality and self trust that our emotions accurately reflect reality. Eventually, people’s sneaky and crazy making attempts to undermine us and blame us for our feelings becomes extremely obvious and pathetic. We become our own proof.

Hello everyone! It's been a long time since Ive posted anything on the forums but I think that you guys can help give some thoughts on a situation im in. I'm in the last stages of trying to move out of an abusive household. The past year (since I graduated high school) I have spent doing lots of self work and therapy and also gaining some work experience (mostly in retail). Ive already decided not to go to college and my goal is to start making enough money to move out so I can try to heal from the years of abuse Ive suffered and also start focusing on my other goals in life. So basically my question is does anyone know of some jobs that ,with my limited experience, could pay more than just minimum wage? I'm totally open to all suggestions so please feel free to share anything. I'm not sure what else to add other than i do also have experience as a private music teacher (for guitar) although i don't find it very rewarding at all to be totally honest (songwriting is my passion not teaching). Its nearly impossible to be creative while in the house with an abusive person so I really just need something to do now to get on my feet so I can then start totally focusing on my passion. Thanks for reading, I look forward to your responses!

It was difficult for me to find a good way to word my question. I know there is no objective answer, but I want to explore it and get some feedback. From as early as I can remember until age 9, I was frequently and viciously beaten by my dad, and also by my mom. I was mostly beaten by my dad at the request of my mom, who requested these beatings for my questioning her authority or disobeying her orders. My memory of my entire childhood is very fuzzy because I was forced to be on the constant lookout for anything I might say or do which would get me beaten, and also because I was severely neglected. As early as age 6 my parents would leave me home alone for a day, and when my mom (labeled schizophrenic) moved across the country to a group home at age 9, I lost the only of the two parents which paid any attention to me whatsoever. My dad stayed on his computer or in his room and ignored me and my younger siblings and I only have two clear memories of him which don't involve him beating me. One major problem I still face because of all the abuse is that my nervous system still constantly prepares me for being physically attacked. In other words, it's extremely difficult for me to relax and take a deep breath. I have been in a state of non-stop stress ever since I can remember, because almost any interaction with other people has the potential to trigger an emotional flashback to childhood. It has improved since going no contact with my father and my extended family (it has been just over 4 months at this point), but there are still days when the whole day I am stuck in a state of physical and emotional pain, combined with an inability to feel physical or emotional pleasure. When I put my preferences over the other person's - especially if it's someone I don't know well or trust my fear response is activated. I am equally as prone to be triggered by positive events as I am with negative ones. Someone being very nice to me often triggers my fear that I'm being tricked somehow into letting my guard down so I can be hurt even more. This is especially true with women, which makes sense given the fact that my mom was capable of being very nice to me when she wasn't threatening me, brainwashing me, or keeping me from developing my own identity. I struggle with flashbacks at my customer service job. I was never able to develop my own identity with my mom around because she treated me as an object which she could showcase to her friends. Because I was smart, because she was so good at teaching me language skills (homeschool), and because she was a narcissist, I was something for her to show off to her friends in the church and the only way for me to gain her affection was to play the smart, obedient little boy to gain her status with her "friends". I was never able to develop my own identity around my father because he simply didn't interact with us in the home. In high school I started to use my constant anxiety and verbal skills to make people laugh and started to become very popular for this. I had 2 of my 4 closest friends move away and for various other reasons, I was unable to continue to use this strategy, which was a type of personality structure in reaction to my trauma. My personality changed to something akin to a paranoid schizoid, which I couldn't truly shake until I moved out of my dad's house and to a different city. This drastic change in my personality happened sometime between the end of 10th grade and the beginning of 11th grade. I never consciously decided to make either of these changes to my personality - they happened unconsciously, and because of my lack of social support, not a single person reached out to see to try to understand why I went from loud, popular guy to eating lunch in the bathrooms guy who couldn't make eye contact over the course of a few months. I believe the only reason I survived this period of my life without killing myself or becoming a monstrous sadist was because I was able to suppress (in the short-term) my impulses, feelings, and do whatever the people I was hanging out with me wanted to do. I am unable and/or unwilling to go back to either of those personality types. My ability to exist and express myself unconsciously was taken away from me, because I was filled with rage and hate yet smart enough to realize the social consequences of me acting out my rage on others (other than my siblings which I unfortunately was abusive to when I was a child). For me to "be real" in front of other people would have gotten me ostracized by anyone other than someone else who had their humanity stolen from them. It feels like I can't be real now (except in therapy and with my one good friend), because the real me is full of rage, sadness, and fear. I have been in therapy for 5 years now and have made tons of progress, but it's very disheartening how much I struggle each and every day. To me this is the most sinister part of child abuse combined with severe neglect. You are filling the child with rage and hateful, murderous impulses - which gives them one of two options: Either act out the impulses and face the consequences from others and society as a whole (probably prison), or constantly suppress those impulses which is to create one's own prison and erase one's identity. It's extremely difficult to be outgoing without being either a people-pleaser or letting my rage surface. I work at a gas station and I have been leaning towards the people-pleaser side because at least I get some positive reactions from people, but I can no longer keep that up and it makes me miserable to act this way. I know how to be nice, and I can tell which people deserve to be treated nicely, but I hate doing it because when they are nice to me it triggers me that this person is trying to lull me into a false sense of security and will send someone to torture me (the way my mom did). When they are mean to me it triggers me and my brain sends the signals to my body and mind to prepare for torture. Also, when I am nice when I don't want to be, it feels like a continuation of my survival strategy in my childhood environment. It takes so much work for me to get through each and every day having to constantly suppress the emotional roller-coaster that my brain and body go through even during what other people consider mundane social interactions. My brain is constantly going a mile a minute and telling my body to go a mile a minute, but I realize that these are impulses which don't need to be acted on, and if are acted on only serve to tighten the chains of my past around my neck. I feel trapped. Maybe my weariness with people-pleasing means I am finally strong enough to live without the positive opinions of people who I don't really care about, but the fact that lots and lots of people now know who I am and the way I usually act (practically everyone in my relatively small town comes into my gas station) makes being the real me even more difficult. I've stopped hanging out with two people I was spending a lot of time with and have hung out with for several years with because I recognized I was constantly engaged in people-pleasing with them. I think I'm already taking good steps to solve my problems but I could use some advice from anyone else who has struggled with similar issues. Sometimes it feels like I'm fighting an unwinnable battle and it feels like I've been fighting for a lifetime.

From Joel Patterson Everything we do is a conversation. From the tattoos a person carves into her skin to the kind of figurines an adult man proudly displays on his living room book shelf, as well as the particular way he chooses to organize them, all of these unique decorative nuances, or lack thereof, broadcasts a plethora of information about a person’s history and values. Music is no exception. Music can not only give us insight into the psychology of the artist who wrote the piece, but also it can give us insight into the psychology of the listener who has found a way to connect to the song regardless whether or not he understands the song’s ‘true’ meaning that the artist intended. Music can also be considered a reflection of the society and culture in which it was produced, depending on whether very few can connect to the same piece as opposed to hundreds of thousands of people. Since I was a teenager, I’ve been particularly fascinated by this aspect of popular music. When I was fourteen I found a great deal of pleasure in getting up early on Saturday to watch a show on VH1 Classic called “Metal Mania”, a show that played 80’s and early 90’s music videos back to back. While I did enjoy much of the music, I would gladly sit through and watch videos of songs I didn’t particularly like simply because I found them interesting in the way an Anthropologist might and enjoyed thinking about why particular trends were popular during particular eras in music. There is one such trend that can be found in popular music of the late 90’s to early 2000’s, a place where many would least expect to find anything particularly radical, which I find to be very groundbreaking in the context of music history. During this time period we see numerous bands (I’ve created a list at the bottom of the page.) expressing feelings such as anger towards child abuse and abusive parents, pain at having been raised in a dysfunctional family, or some kind of sympathy towards children in these environments in way that had previously never been so explicit or frequent. While it is true that artists prior to the late 90's wrote songs that scratched the surface of this subject matter, such songs were still often couched in poetic language and anonymity, and never included the two most introspective words “I feel”. Take for example the lyrics from a great song by John Lennon called “Mother” Mother, you had me But I never had you I wanted you But you didn’t want me So, I just got to tell you, Goodbye And compare it to the Lyrics in “Down with The Sickness” by Disturbed No Mommy, Don’t do it again Don’t do it again I’ll be a good boy I’ll be a good boy, I promise No mommy don’t hit me Why did you have to hit me like that,mommy? Don’t do it, you’re hurting me Why did you have to be such a bitch Why don’t you, Why don’t you just fuck off and die And not only were these songs prevalent, since a large number of these songs started showing up just within the time span of about 7 years (1997–2002), they were also mainstream. “Down With The Sickness” charted at number 5 on the Modern Rock Tracks in 2001. In addition, the striking lyrical content was also often accompanied by equally striking and overt imagery, which has never been done previously, in music videos that cost anywhere from $3000 to 200k to make. Korn’s, “Falling Away From Me”, which shows a young girl getting hit with a belt, is one notable, albeit disturbing example. The subject of child abuse had never before been at the forefront of popular culture or had been brought to our attention is such an overt and ‘in your face’ kind of way. The question, for me, then becomes, “Why?” What information about these artist’s histories is being broadcast? What experiences might they have shared that were so different from the generation before them that would influence this kind of change in popular music? Why did a similar trend of musicians drawing our attention to family dysfunction not happen between 1981 to 1989? Why were so many able to identify and willing to embrace these songs at the time? Although, to be fair, there was was some push back. This trend was even noted and criticized in the song “Click Click Boom” by Saliva, which came out around the same time. “What the hell is wrong with me? My mom and dad weren’t perfect, But still you don’t hear no crying ass bitching from me, Like there seems to be on everybody’s CD” Unfortunately, all too many shared and still do share this cruel sentiment, as what would eventually be known as “Nu-Metal”, such as Korn and P.O.D, would be the subject of much mockery and criticism from those who deemed themselves as “true metal fans.” Although I can understand how distancing oneself from the truth of ones own history through esoteric, vague, symbolic, obscure language about fictional horrors such as “raining blood” can be emotionally much easier than using honest and clear language that paints a realistic picture of the actual horrors that the majority of children suffer from. Just a disclaimer, I’m no expert historian, so my attempts to answer these questions are only that; an attempt. I am not proving anything, these are just my thoughts. Still, I hope what I’ve found might have some explanatory power. “We were probably the first generation to be raised more by the media than by actual human beings” - Bruce Fletcher (My Dinner With Generation X) Since childhood experiences have such a profound impact on our psyche such that it can even influence the types of music we are drawn to and create, I’ll start there. One thing that every artist from the list I’ve created has in common is that they were all born between 1961 to 1981, which means that they are part of what is known as Generation X. If these individuals had drastically different childhoods compared to the generation before them, it might be able to help explain why the music they created was so vastly different and why it appeared during the time it did. This is most certainly the case. To borrow from a blogger named Jennifer who specializes on the topic of Generation X, whose work you can find at http://www.jenx67.com/who-is-generation-x, “Generation X was born during the greatest anti-child phase in modern American history. Our childhoods were underscored by the following: Legalized Abortion (Roe vs. Wade) Invention of Birth Control Divorce Absent Fathers Working Mothers Latchkey Kids For more about latchkey kids, I invite you to read a 2009 blog post I wrote about Gina, a member of the Latchkey Generation.” “From the late 1960s to the early 1970s, divorce rates in the United States more than doubled. In addition, between 1969 and 1996, the number of working mothers in the workforce also doubled. Consequently, many households were headed by working single moms. It’s estimated that as many as 40 percent of Gen Xers were latchkey kids who returned home from school to empty houses. Their childhoods and youth were marked by a lack of supervision, and excessive household and family responsibilities. The pendulum swings wide on the consequences of the latchkey childhood. Unsupervised Gen X children and youth ran the gamut of those who watched too much TV and didn’t do their homework to those who fell into escalating levels of crime. According to Coupland, inwardly-focused Baby Boomers sometimes regarded their children as “obstacles to their self-exploration,” and thus resulted permissive parenting of grand proportion. In addition, on top of spending many hours bored and lonely, Coupland also concludes that Generation X was “rushed through childhood.” To share more of Jennifer’s writing, (http://www.jenx67.com/2009/01/latchkey-generation.html) “The term latchkey kid originates from the latchkey of a door. A latchkey kid — sometimes just called a latchkey — is a child between the ages of 7 and 13 who comes home from school to an empty house. The child is left unsupervised until a child returns home from work. The hours of unsupervision vary, but typically take place during what law enforcement refers to as the “danger zone” of 3 to 6 p.m.In the 1970s, the rise in divorce coupled with a high rate of mothers in the workforce gave rise to the term. I had many Gen-X friends who wore a key tied to a cord around their neck. (This would be great training for all those lanyards we’ve had to wear in the workforce. Ugh.) “ The data does indeed support this. So, this generation was indeed born into a completely different world compared to the prior generation. It makes more sense as to why the themes of family dysfunction would be so prevalent in this generation’s music. The families this generation grew up in were dysfunctional. Another question that comes to my mind is, Why did the number of working mothers in the workforce double? Why was it so accepted and commonplace for baby boomers to divorce, which statistically was initiated by the women, compared to the generation prior? Of course, I’m not saying that women can’t or shouldn’t pursue a career. (Fuck off social justice warriors.) But, considering that children do far better the more time they bond with their caregivers and when they live in two parent households, why was the choice made to have kids and then not spend time with them? Why were the fathers okay with this and did not offer to stay at home full time since the mothers decided to pursue a career? What sense does it make for parents to have children and not meet the children’s needs? It’s like choosing to buy a dog and neglecting to feed it. Perhaps there was a movement that occurred that explicitly harped on ideas that might have influenced so many women of the Baby Boomer generation to abandon their children in favor of a career? I can think of no better example than the Second Wave Feminist Movement, which undoubtedly made “equality” in the workplace a primary focus, much to the detriment of hundreds or thousands of lonely children. To quote three of the most influential authors of the Second Wave Feminist Movement “The Family must go because it oppresses and enslaves women”- Kate Millet “Women, as well as men, can only find their identity in work that uses their full capacities. Women cannot find her identity in the dull routine of housework.” -Betty Friedan “I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.” -Gloria Steinem In conclusion, the music most like changed so drastically because childhoods changed drastically. And childhood changed because parenting changed (for the worse) and one possibility as to why so many families fell apart could be that the Second Wave of Feminism had an incredibly destructive influence on the way women (and men) thought about parenting by suggesting that the family is oppressive and that staying home to meet a child’s need is akin to being a slave. Again, this is a complicated issue and and I’m no historian. I’m sure there’s way more to it. These are just some facts I’m collecting which might have some explanatory value as to why music changed so drastically. If you have any additional thoughts, I’d love to know what you think. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VrZ4sMRYimw I had trouble getting these videos to post. Disturbed- Down With The Sickness https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L78yVFeyvRo Everclear- Father Of Mine https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kkcbxjWG9Mc Blink 182- Stay together For the Kids https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1BFHYtZlAUr Also, here's The Medium.com Article version. https://medium.com/@joelpatterson_52315/https-www-youtube-com-watch-v-fguj3tvkgo8-db10bc63e54a If you found this piece interesting, you can find more articles there, such as "Louder Than Words: What Modern Feminism Has Actually Achieved" https://medium.com/@joelpatterson_52315/louder-than-words-what-modern-feminism-has-actually-achieved-71e853e8d98d