Search the Community

Scenario: Boy meets girl They date briefly and then don't speak for a year They reconnect and date for 6 weeks. They break up and boy says increasingly threatening and disrespectful things to girl for 2 weeks until girl threatens to contact boys family and police. Girl 'blocks' boy Boy shows up 3 months later wanting to date again Girl declines and says that she is willing to be friends Boy is visably frusterated with girl but requests girl message him sometime Girl says she will do so in the distant future. Boy gives girl tight hug that doesn't end until she pulls back Boy leaves at 5pm Boy returns at 10pm and walks into girls house It happens that girl was walking toward door and boy is stunned when he opens door Boy steps back and girl slams/locks door Boy refuses to leave and demands girl comes outside Girl requests that he leave but does not call police as suggested by friend Boy stays outside girls house for 3 hours Boy returns two days later at 8am Knocks on door Girl asks who is at the door Boy gives fake name Girl recognizes boys voice and calls police Police tell boy to leave girl alone and not to return to her property Boy returns the next morning knocking on door demanding girl come outside Girl calls police and police have boy agree to a restriction of contact order requiring boy not to attempt to contact girl directly or indirectly One week later boy contacts girls friend requesting girl to contact him Friend reports boy to girl Girl reports boy to police Police decide to charge boy with harassment 5 months go by Girl receives email from defence lawyer and calls 3 times over the course of a week with one response at the end of the week in the form of a voicemail informing girl that lawyer is going on holiday 2 weeks later police officer knocks on girls door at 8am unannounced and tells girl that if she doesn't get in touch with lawyer the case will be dropped Girl leaves additional voicemail for lawyer informing lawyer of police officers warning Girl is contacted by lawyer a week later who claims that police have not given her the entire case file as justification for not having any idea about the timeline of events and evidence of harassment Lawyer asks girl if girls actions leading up to breakup justified boys harassment and refusal of girls request to not be contacted by boy Girl is shocked and appalled that lawyer would ask this question when girl requested boy leave her alone on numerous occasions and his disregard for girls freedom is the reason for concern Not to mention the harassment started months after the relationship ended Girl feels that lawyer does not understand why she feels vulnerable about having to confront boy directly if the justice system fails to protect her right to her property and self One week passes Boy is meant to go to court in 2 weeks Boy adds girl on Instagram Girl takes screen shot of notification Reports incident (though inclined out of initiative to protect her freedom she was also instructed by police to report any attempted contact) Girl has to wait 5 hours for police to come to her home to update file Considering that the boy is going to court and has been told multiple times by girl and others that he does not have the right to demand contact with her, his persistence indicates that the justice system is not solving the issue of the girl being harassed and having her freedom limited by living in varying degrees of fear What should the girl do?

I learned a lesson regarding how one should not confront child abusers when in a public space. My experience is to not engage with the abuser but to simply ask the abuser politely (of course) to not abuse the child, and end it there! The response to this confrontation is the focus of this single post. Here is a copy of an email I sent to Michaels (the art and craft store) regarding a confrontation I had with another customer which resulted in being bullied by an employee of Michaels. On a positive note, this experience has given me a deeper understanding of my anger and how it is the root cause of most of my problems. I'm not implying that the abusers get off "scott-free" but that I'm taking actions to correct problems and therefore the ripple effects. I recently purchased Anger and Forgiveness by Raymond Lloyd Richmond, Ph.D., a sample of the contents can be viewed @ http://www.guidetopsychology.com/af3.htm which also appears to explain how my nail biting, hair playing, pacing, and other habits formed may be connected to anger through OCD. Of course, Stef made me aware of this idea regarding anger in pod-cast http://www.fdrpodcasts.com/#/2444/freedomain-radio-call-in-show-august-4th-2013 @ ~2:19:23 in which he says, "The anger against your abusers is perfectly healthy. The danger of the anger is that it can draw you back into wanting to fix, rage against, act against your abusers." Mapping my history with anger is my self-appointed homework for the next 2 weeks before going over this with my therapist. This is my key and I'm excited to have it and cleanup what is behind the door(s).

I thought I'd give my thoughts on this topic because it seems I have an issue that doesn't seem to be all that common (or at least not that obvious) around here. I've had a mixed experience with bullying in my life. Particularly in terms of mental bullying and psychological domination. In the house I grew up in. Insults were thrown about with total abandon and with accompanying rage. It seemed like the only way to carve out enough space for me to breathe was to issue a humiliation or shaming remark to someone that would act like a kind of mental cattleprod shock, that would temporarily dent the ego of the other and keep them away for a small amount of time. On a few occasions when the abuse and hostile atmosphere got too much I would lash out, I remember feeling satisfaction at striking my brother's skull with my fist. My violent fantasies in regard to my family are all to do with blows to the head. Looking back, obviously I loathed them for what went on in their heads the most. Physically nothing about them offended me (why would it?). Different brains in the same bodies would have been great. The fantasies I have had in the months of defooing all involve tying them up and issuing baseball bat blows to the head. Even now in conflict I feel the same way. In arguments if I feel attacked or cornered I slip into a terminator mode of detachment where all I see before me is a few pounds of offensive meat encased in a skull that if I cannot strike directly, I will use all my self-knowledge and knowledge of psychology to break it and turn it in on itself with shame, humiliation etc etc. I understand this will cause me no end of grief in my life if I cannot work through it. I think my prior counsellors have been intimidated by this 'inner bully' that I have and so when it came up their empathy dropped like a power line in a rainstorm, and the therapy continued in a kind of lifeless way until things petered out. In particular I feel women simply disengage when this part of me comes up, even if it is attacking those who are not present, because obviously they know it's ire could be turned on them too. I think (from what I gather), a lot of people in FDR are bully victims, and though they may be defooing and feeling lots of anger. This is the first time it has surfaced for them and so it is manageable. Whereas for me it feels as if my inner-bully surfaced rather early and has become a malignant and extreme part of my personality. I feel it stands in my way and isn't so nice to deal with for anyone. I was wondering if any of you have had similar experiences and what helped you handle it?

Sticks and stones, with sufficient strain, can leave bones bruised and broken. But words can even harm the brain, no matter how softly spoken. Yet, even in a body cast and rendered completely still stones can only break your skeleton, while words can break your will.

Powder and I have been discussing whether verbal abuse intrudes on the Non-Aggression Principle, and what response it may justify. Verbal abuse, as in swearing, libel, defamation, insults, and labeling. We are excluding threats, because we both agree that threats violate the NAP. My argument is that just like actual threats, to defame someone's character may lead to escalation of abuse, and the risk of physical harm. My example was a person being called "a terrorist." We all know how such a label can destroy human life. Powder's argument is that since this does not directly involve the "initiation of force" or "violation of property", then even if there is a justification for a defensive response, the entire situation is not included within the NAP. Does the 'initiation of force' include verbal abuse? Are insults akin to threats? What is a justified response to insults, and to what extent?

An LDS article that totally misses the point; in fact I would say it makes an anti-point. I don't know how far indoctrination will go in religion. I thought I'd seen some pretty messed up stuff... but then someone posted this article and it showed up in my Facebook feed. I live in the most concentrated LDS part of the United States; Utah. The amount of unacknowledged trauma in this state is overwhelming. So infuriating, so sad. http://ldsliving.com/story/76598-the-sad-truth-about-bullying-at-church Myth: "Church is supposed to be a safe place for our children" Fact: Church could arguably be the most destructive place for your child's development. Say goodbye to self-esteem, critical thinking, and a joy of existence--say hello mental health problems. False Premise: Only children in your church (ward) can bully your children. True Premise: The very act of taking your children to church is a very extreme form of bullying, because they are inculcated against any refuge-seeking, since their caregiver(s) are indoctrinated in the very system that abuses them. Etc...You could tear apart this article for days. Of course, the author is blind to how the fact that bringing your kids to church, (especially this breed of mormonism in Utah), is much worse damage than any peer-bully could do to her. And how could a mother be so unaware of this bullying? Oh yeah, by not having a real connection with her daughter in the first place--a connection to where the child would feel she had a secure base to assert herself in the face of bullies, let alone just telling her mom about the bullying. So you must ask...what are other reasons that the child doesn't just tell her mother about these awful events? I'm going to go out on a limb here, and say it's because the child knows, deep down, that her mom is a bully too. Done.

Hi. I want to write about my experience with bullying. And I would appreciate any feedback and advice. I was being continually teased by my brother. I dont know if this enter category of bullying. I was chased by him after house, he on various occasions was trying to break my door and enter my room, he do that when I was taking shower or was in toilet. I was never safe in my house. I know that he was acting out what my father was doing. My father few times was trying to break to my room drunk on the night. I was tryin to keep door closed with my mother, with whom I slept with in my room for long time. And I recently found out, when I listen to Sunday Call In Show about listener who harrased some other kids, that I bullied one kid with my "friend" at the time. Nothing big, but we chase him and make fun of him. He throw rocks at us, and we do it in revenge. We chase him after that. In fact, my friend do much of this, I was passive usualy, but not always. I enjoy this at the time and I find it sick now. I know that I have similar experience in school. I was trying to get close to brutal guys, and I get beaten few times by them. This boy was trying to get close to us maybe, and I act out my trauma. One time I push one boy on wall in school in preety brutal way. I was feeling disrespected in some way and I do that. I overreacted and I feel sory for that too. Now. I am thinking about writing to them both and make apology. They both come from sick houses, just as I was. I am afraid of doing so. I am afraid that they may mock me for that. By in the other way, I think that I fear taking responsibility and that pain I am afraid of Is my pain that I put on them. I will appriciate any feedback. If this will be ok to write to them on facebook?

Hello all:I have been searching for an answer to a basic question but I have yet to find one. This is a serious question. This is causing me great distress. My life is filled with guilt because of it.If we see nature as things that we can and should use (I mean past basic survival and comfort), what is stopping us from viewing vulnerable or 'weak" humans in the same light?For example: if someone buys land and clears it (let's assume it's forest), lots of plants and animals are going to be displaced or die. Let's also assume that person clears the land for a golf course or some other luxury purpose.Obviously, we are beyond Descarte, so we can agree that animals feel pain and emotional distress. When the land owner destroys their habitat, it will affect them.There is also some fledgling science that plants also react to negative circumstances: http://www.jperla.com/blog/post/plant-sufferingMany deny that plants and animals feel pain and/or suffer like humans, which I think it a little short-sighted.For this, let's assume they do feel pain. Some animals especially are very intelligent and have incredibly sophisticated ways of communication, structures, etc.We would never allow a land developer to displace or kill a severely mentally retarded human. It would violate the non-aggression principle.Assuming there are very intelligent animals and some mentally handicapped humans, one can assume that we cannot simply discard animals because they are not intelligent.Is it just because they are not human? What are the credentials to determine suffering?I feel like "strong" humans dominating and destroying animals and plants for luxury would lead down a slippery slope. How can we teach our children to not bully or harm when we do it to animals, plants, and the land for things beyond our basic survival?Further, since government has the guns, they dominate and oppress "normal" humans because they see us as livestock--lower than them. Well, WE see livestock as livestock--lower than us. The answer couldn't possibly be because they're not human. How can we reconcile exploiting nature because we can as acceptable, yet rail against the state for doing the same to us because they can? Thank you.

Just a short post right after an incidence that evoked past memories. I live with three other guys who I didn't know beforehand. I don't like any of them and one of them in particular... I suffer from social anxiety and hide in my room most of the time, it feels like a prison. Just a few weeks after I moved in one of the guys kind of bullied me. He removed my blender from the kitchen, said it took up too much space... Also complained I didn't clean up after myself although I was shocked when I moved in over how messy the kitchen was. I always cleaned up after myself. He talked too me in a very aggressive manner. I just accepted the blender thing and put it in my room. I pointed out that it was not true that I was particularly messy, especially not compared to the standard I observed...His face was really scary and cold, it felt like he could see my anger and frustration and enjoyed it. When I was particularly busy in the exam period and also had a paper I struggled to finish in time, which he knew. He came to me and said that the bathroom needed to be cleaned. Now he hasn't mentioned it at all. I'm almost certain he only used it to bully me and make things harder for me when I struggled with the deadline. When I leave my room and just want to get out or do something in the kitchen he always asks me annoying questions like he knows I just want to be left alone, but preys on my politeness and my avoidance of conflict. It is pretty clear by the fact that I always stay in my room as well as my body language that I don't like him in particular and all of them in general. He has now started to slam his door both to the bathroom and his room. It doesn't matter at what time, if he gets up in the night to pee, he slams the door as well. I have lived in other places earlier and experienced the same. A woman that I lived with who rejected me after I revealed I was attracted to her used to slam the door after her rejection as well. When I pointed it out she pretended to not understand and suggested using earplugs, in other words she was not going to change her behavior... I used to believe that these kind of people simply did not understand what they where doing, but clearly they do. It is small things like this that makes me hate most people in general. By the way that guy I talked about claimed that it could be argued on the basis of morality that if you encountered a RANDOM person who needed a kidney to survive you would be an asshole if you didn't offer one of yours. I said I wouldn't do it and he got annoyed by that claiming I was a selfish asshole. So any similar experiences. What's up with this door slamming?

I think I just had a revelation just now, one dealing with knowing myself. I live in a dorm, and it seems this evening one of the other people in my dorm had brought some people over. And I could hear two of them talk. And when one in particular talked, something happened. I was filled with dread. Like, extreme fear filled my soul. God, it was so horrible. I was really terrified. And then it hit me. I recognize this. I have felt this before. It was a long time ago, but I have had this happen before on several occasions. This dread, this hellish fear that filled me, used to erupt when I saw people that bullied me when I was in elementary school. What is interesting, is that while I had this fear (have still), everything. EVERYTHING in my life, just feel so much harder. So frightening. When I know, on an intellectual level, that their not. Almost like the fear kind of spread to other parts of my psyche? I got so frightened. After a few minutes, something else came up: Anger. Intense hate. I just wanted him, and all others like him, dead. Just all dead. I didn't care how, just as long they were killed. After that anger and rage, I realized that I was familiar with that intense fear. And actually, now that I am writing this, I remember something else: That rage I felt. That intense hate. I felt that too, those years when I was bullied. It's really dark, that hate. It's very violent (mentally), very detailed. And honestly, they feel really good. Sadistically good. Anyways, the revelation: I have a hypothesis. All my years of being bullied (all of elementary, 9 years), I have sort of developed a hyper-sensitive ''radar'' for detecting people with bullying tendencies. Something else I realized, with the help of chatting with a friend just now: I have made some efforts to not think, and remember about my bullies. About how badly they treated me, how the humiliated me and threatened me. And now, when I am starting to do some true-self excavating, I think it could serve me to dredge up those memories, and study them. Because, maybe by turning away from that completely, I am missing vital information that could help me in my healing process. This was perhaps 30 minutes ago, and I can still feel the shock-waves inside me. God. it was so terrible. But I am really excited about this revelation, and my hypothesis, if it is correct. And, if it is not, what can be learned from this? Exciting. Excitement in the aftershock of intense fear. Its interesting I think. I can't express how good it felt to get this out of my system. I just thought and felt something. I love this forum. I love this community. I love the kind, honest, gentle, sympathetic in this part of the Internet. Just started chatting on the chat a few days ago, and I love the open, thought-provoking conversations there. Yes. You guys are great.

I thought this might be interesting to discuss. http://www.csmonitor.com/The-Culture/Family/2012/0912/Top-5-bullying-myths-What-you-don-t-know-about-bullying/

Has anyone seen this disgusting video? Most people are finding it cute and funny but I find it downright abusive. The abuse here is very subtle and I will give my two cents on it later, but for now see for yourself and share your conclusions with me.