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I remember listening to a call about social anxiety (first call). If my memory serves me right, at some point Stefan affirmed that "people with good childhoods do not have empathy for people who had bad childhoods" (and as a result developed social anxiety). It is very likely that I am paraphrasing and that this were not exactly his words but I am really confident that he said at least something very similar to this. I remember wondering at that time "well, if they had good childhoods how come they are not empathetic? Is not empathy something that develops naturally as a result of good parenting?!" I know that the word "good" is very broad and vague and does not provide enough context but knowing that Stefan is really precise with his language and does not sugar coat things at all on this matters I would have a hard time believing that when he said "good" he really meant what most society would call "good", which is in fact dysfunctional/abusive. And such...why I am not seeing here?

I've listened to "Is empathy a selfless act?" podcast on yt and it made me think about my lack of empathy towards other people. Example given by Stef - watching yt fail videos, when someone has some sort of an accident is clear and simple. I can't watch videos like that, especially if it involves twisting or breaking part of the body. It feels extremely uncomfortable, I can almost feel the pain of the other person, and it makes me wanna throw up. So I guess this is genuine. There's an empathy involved. But now, the listener has presented the example of his boss being in a difficult situation (hospitalized parent) and he was wondering about what would be a good thing to say to the boss. The conclusion was if you think about it this way it is just manipulative. And I get that. But then it made me think. People who were raised in a toxic environment have often difficulties with expressing feelings, emotions and so on. So maybe the case is a bit different... I have my own example - I have a high school friend, who's life is (not to go to any details) very miserable, and as if that wouldn't be enough recently she's struggling with very serious health issues. I am really worried about her. I feel deep sorrow about the situation she's in. I want to help her, I think noones life should look like that, but there's not much I can do (since I live really far away from her). Before her health issues I was trying to talk her into looking for some ways to make her life a little less miserable, try to look for possible opportunities she maybe didn't consider or didn't see, or didn't believe she could use. Now the situation seems more and more hopless. I'm trying to be for her, show her that I care, I'm asking her how she's doing, how she's feeling, trying to empathize, trying to at least understand and show her that I do, asking her to let me know how is the situation progressing and so on. When I'm thinking about it - I have nothing to gain here, I simply can't stand the thought of her life being this way. I can't stand the "unfairness" of the situation. But then every time I'm talking to her I have to think really hard what should I say. I don't want to make it worse for her and above all I don't want "to make it about me". Like stating that "I'm worried about her", "I'm sorry for the situation she's in" both of which are true, are making it about me and doesn't show any empathy towards her. So it is like trying to figure out what to say that would sound properly. I'm really not used to show any empathy towards anyone. I didn't see or experienced many examples of people being empathethic either. So is it still manipulative? Is there any way/better way to learn that? And there's the third "kind" of situations which require empathy that I can't grasp at all. I guess some literature would be required here. So far someone recommended Daniel Goleman's "Emotional Inelligence" which I'm going to read. Could anyone suggest me some more? (Preferably audiobooks) To put it as plainly as possible: I do not have a single shred of empathy when it comes to the situations when other people stand between me and my ambitions/goals. If it was possible I would simply crush them, and went straight to my goal over their dead bodies. I didn't do things like that in the past. It went more or less like this: I would jeopardise things I wanted to achieve for the sake of not having to confront anyone, to have peace and so on. I couldn't do that anymore, it was harmful to me. Going over dead bodies is harmful to others and narcissistic. So what now? How to learn to empathize in such situations? Where to start the work? Please help. I will be also talking about it with my therapist, though I really wanted to ask for as much help/opinions with this topic as possible.

So, in my online dating hunt I see something that disturbs me over and over.. It's worded differently every time, but the sentiment is the same.. I love animals more than people. Why do so many young women feel this way? It doesn't make sense to me. There is simply no way that one can connect with an animal with the full range of emotional intimacy, honesty, curiosity, empathy, and authenticity as you can with another person. And yet, there seems to be a large number of young women who really feel as though they love their precious pets with all of their heart, and that this love can't be rivaled in a relationship with another man. This is deeply troubling if that is even remotely true. To me, that signifies a damaged emotional apparatus and an inability to genuinely connect with people. And don't get me wrong - relationships with pets can be deeply rewarding, affectionate, and enjoyable. Nonetheless, I find it disturbing when I read a Tinder or OKCupid profile which has this red flag waving on it. What are the causes of this strange phenomenon? Why does it seem to happen primarily to women? It's quite possible that it happens with similar frequency to men, but men remain less vocal about their preference. I'm almost positive that this is not healthy, but am open to correction if I'm missing something. What are your thoughts?

I recorded a video on self-reflection about how one treats oneself.

On empathy for animals in contrast to empathy for children, and how to develop more empathy for others.

So, I've been curious about if reading body language can help one better spot an unempathetic person without talking to them. I do realize that this idea would not be true of everyone who shares certain body language and that this might sound as legitimate as phrenology, but what do you all think? So far, my list looks like this: - lack of eye contact - loud/stomping foot steps Not a very long list, but the two things that I found most universal in my life.

A few days ago I encountered Focusing, first by looking at an acquaintance's website (bigempathy.com) where he mentions that he also uses that in addition to NVC, then by hearing Carl Rogers mention it in this video: Carl Rogers on empathy (part 1) So I looked at Eugene Gendlin's Focusing, here is an introduction to that: What I found interesting is how Rogers explains that empathy is not best achieved by reflecting a person's words, but by guessing the feelings going on in them of which they may not even be fully aware themselves, and checking with them to find out if these guesses are accurate. This made new sense to me after hearing Gendlin explain that when we ask someone if they're sad, there is something they go inside to check this against, and then they may reply "no, not really sad…". Then to the question "are you angry then?" they may say "that's not it either, I'm not angry…", and then to "are you disappointed perhaps?" they may reply "Yes, yes that's it! I'm disappointed because" and then go on to explain. So this internal flow is what I understand Gendlin is talking about getting more in touch with, both in ourselves and others, and I find this idea very interesting. I think it is very valuable to guess needs as well, but I'm just so excited about this idea of listening for feelings behinds words, feelings that are not fully expressed because maybe the other person isn't fully aware of the feelings, versus listening for them in the words as if the person is actually experiencing the feelings now, which is how I understood it before, that for the moment I'm not thinking of guessing needs at all and people still tell me that they benefit from my feedback. I was having so much difficulty identifying people's feelings and I thought it was because I wasn't sensing them well enough, whereas now it seems that at least part of the difficulty in what I was trying to do was that sometimes the person themselves wasn't fully aware of the feelings (in the moment) and so they weren't fully expressed in the words for me to hear!

Cruelty is a topic which has fascinated me for years. I still remember very vividly my feelings of utter bewilderment that I experienced towards some of my earliest encounters with such acts. Whether it was a more personal example such as verbal aggression coming from a school yard bully or something more distant that I had read about or seen in a history book, I've never been able to wrap my head around what could enable people to be mean; let alone enjoy it. One example of me attempting to solve this enigma that comes to mind was when I was around the age of 15 or so. While an old friend and I were watching a an anime film, one of the antagonists ejected one of those oh so derisive maniacal laughs that we've grown so accustomed to from villains. After which, I couldn't help asking, "Why do villains always laugh when they hurt people?" Apparently being annoyed with my question, my friend replied quickly and irritably, as if the answer were obvious, "I don't know, maybe for the same reason YOU laugh at things YOU think are funny". As a result, I didn't make any attempts to take the query any further and so, I was back to square one. Of course, l understood that laughter is a reaction that occurs as a result of finding something funny. But, that wasn't a satisfying answer. I wanted to know why they find it funny. What is it that makes some people able to find humor and enjoy the suffering in others, while others are repulsed? Since then, despite many attempts to arrive at some form of closure regarding this topic, I've remained at a loss for a satisfactory explanation as to how exactly some people are capable of treating other people as objects. Even since my discovery of the concept of empathy and how a lack thereof allows others to inflict suffering, the more I thought about things, the more confused I became. For example, if empathy is merely the ability to "understand what another person is thinking and feeling" so to speak, and if a lack of this ability is what allows for others to be cruel, how is it that the sociopath seems incredibly adept at understanding the preferences of his target, uses his knowledge about the target's desires in order to better exploit him, and on top of that is totally aware that he is inflicting harm, yet doesn't care. Also, how is it that others I've encountered apparently lack empathy in certain situations, meaning they are completely oblivious to what others are thinking and feeling, but are at worst just a bit of a nuisance because they don't understand social cues. One minor example that occurs to mind is of someone who, as I was trying create distance between us so I could eat, he followed me and went on and on about the disgusting pictures of flesh wounds he was looking looking at on the internet the night before. It didn't occur to him that I might not want to be grossed out while I was eating. However, this same gentleman doesn't strike me as someone who is cruel. Had I pointed out to him that I would prefer solitude or that he was making me upset, my gut tells me that he would have felt bad and apologized. This suggests that empathy is a spectrum, with some on the high end and some on the low end. Also, empathy is something that can be permanently lost in some, such as the case of the psychopath, while being in a state of non empathy for others is a merely transient state, which I am not immune to entering into. I am capable and have committed acts of cruelty too, so I'm not putting myself on a pedestal of superiority. Because mere speculation isn't satisfying to me, in order to figure out precisely where I land on the empathy spectrum, I took the "Empathy Quotient Test", which consists of 60 questions. I scored a 66 out of 80, which means I have a high ability for understanding how other people feel and responding appropriately . This is actually remarkably close what I would have rated myself if I were to have just guessed, which again demonstrates self empathy/awareness. It also indicates growth since the last time I attempted to answer this question speculatively, I would have said it was quite low. That may all be well and good, but what exactly is empathy? After years of searching for an answer, I finally found a satisfactory explanation in Simon Baron Cohen's amazing book called, "The Science of Evil: On Empathy and The Origins of Cruelty". For anyone else who is interested in the topic, this is an essential must read. My own understanding of empathy not only became vastly enriched by this book, but so did my own empathy for the non empathetic. Empathy is not an all or nothing ability, but is a complex process to that involves not just the cognitive awareness of what others are thinking or feeling, but also involves an affective aspect that allows for responding with the appropriate emotions to another person's subjectivity. Both aspects of empathy are only possible only if a full circuitry of multiple brain regions are working simultaneously. And depending on which parts work or don't work, for whatever reason, is what distinguishes whether someone is either a psychopath who is aware of other's feelings and doesn't care or who is autistic who genuinely has trouble identifying the feelings of others as well as themselves. But, nothing more I could say could really do the book justice. Do yourself a favor and check it out. Take care.

To make the case as briefly as possible: If we accept that empathy means something along the lines of "being able to understand an emotional and/or cognitive state of other people" then people who lack emapthy would just show confusion when they are exposed to a behaviour/emotion/idea they can't empathize with. However most of the time what we experience is people actively opposing the behaviour/emotion/idea, which can not logically be attributed to a lack of understanding, but an opposition/anger towards the expression of this behaviour/emotion/idea. Maybe I'm just extrapolating too much from my own experience here, but I've found that when I couldn't empathize with certain aspects about myself I've felt annoyed by whatever I couldn't empathize with. Which was something that came out of the idea that "I shouldn't have/listen to this feeling/idea". And simply recognizing this has helped me tremendously in empathizing with myself again. I mainly post this, 'cause if I'm more or less correct, then maybe a simple explanation of this might help people with an apparent lack of empathy to understand their own process better which might help them change their behaviour. Ofc it might just be a bit wishful thinking on my part. Also, for that sake of accuracy, I think it might be more productive the understand it as a opposition to a very specific thing and not an overall lack of understanding or opposition of all behaviour/emotions/ideas. Like, most people barely have a problem with empathizing with happyness and joy. Some have a problem accepting and listening to anger. And most often it's a lack of accepting and listening to sadness. As Stef mentioned a few times himself, there's a problem for empathetic people by not being able to understand what's going on inside people who lack empathy for certain things (i.e. can't empathize with a lack of empathy). I think this can create two distinct problems of communcation. One is when someone gives more pragmatic answers without much regard for the emotional content of the person's expression, which is often seen by the difference of men and women reacting to certain situations, where women generally want more someone to listen to their feelings and men generally just want to help them change things for the better (and then get called cold or heartless for that). The other situation is where someone shares something and the other one comments with annoyance and surprise at the fact that they would feel/express something like that, implicitly stating "you shouldn't feel that way". In the first example the solution (I think) lies in understanding that people have different ways of trying to alleviate the unease and that this difference doesn't necessairly imply a lack of wanting to help. While on the other hand it's also good to keep in mind for the more pragmatic among us, that people can have different expectations when communicating something than just wanting practical advice. In the second example it might be useful to explain those people the basci idea of emotions and why they would be appropriate and useful in that specific situation and see if they get it. Also possibly ask them why they'd think people "shouldn't feel that way (and express it)" to encourage them to question their own assumptions a bit. Of course this is no guarantee that people will listen and it will be productive but it might help bridge the gap a bit and help with community building and problem-solving in relationships. Anyway, looking forward to hearing your thoughts about it and I hope I didn't just miss something that obvious that the first answer to this post will completely invalidate all of what I just wrote

Obese bullied man gets laughed out of a dance club and humiliated online. Soon after, he's getting a "dance party" hosted by celebrities? I'm trying to be positive about this, but something doesn't feel right. What are your thoughts? This story is trending on Facebook right now and it's getting overwhelmingly positive feedback.

So before I saw the movie (I have no interest in reading the book) I didn't quite sympathize, or empathize with the way that some women feel about men and pornography. But sitting there in the theater with my girlfriend I found myself becoming... jealous, I think, of the attention the Christian Grey character was getting from her right next to me. It would flare inside of me any time I looked at her restraining her giddiness at the things he'd say or do on screen, or any time she made a comment about him. Each time it flared, I defensively and neurotically analysed what was happening, running everything I knew about biology and philosophy against what was happening before me and within me. Then it hit me about a third of the way in- I was experiencing what women experience, when they think of men -whom they value and love- watch pornography. I realized that my thoughts of "No men are like this, who could actually be like this?" and thoughts of resentment towards her and the whole phenomenon of this novel and film- and precisely what women feel about the women in pornography. "No women are like this, no women would do this to themselves." You know, the feeling of inferiority, feeling small and powerless in your capacities. When compared to the "too good to be true" sexuality in pornography. The best part was, after I figured this out it made me relax and I could return to the moment. The clarity was wonderful. Thoughts forum? Has anyone else had a similar experience, or empathize with women on this? Am I missing something here or am I off base with what I understand now about with this?

What do you think about the line that separates honest communication and having hidden agendas? For me currently, it's a very thin line and I hope to change that about myself. I was talking to someone on okc, and after several msgs, I asked about their childhood because I was curious. Instead of asking followup questions (the reason is their childhood was good overall), I shared my experiences growing up in an honest and open manner with the hidden agenda of trying to test their level of empathy towards me. I dont know if I'm using ex post facto reasoning to justify to myself that I really was speaking honestly in real-time or not. I don't know if having these hidden agendas imbedded within these "true and honest" statements are considered vile or nefarious. They seem sinister to me. What do you guys think?

Hello, my name is benji (: I am a very driven person who loves to stay busy and meet new people (: . I just graduated with my bachelors degree in psychology with a minor in special education. I chose this path because I think it truly is the best way for me individually to help people and to spread the knowledge of goodness (: .In regards to what I do for fun, I love to play soccer. I have played for the UNC men's soccer team throughout my college career, which I will miss once I graduate. Although, I have just joined a Fort Collins coed soccer team!! AND IT IS SOO MUCH FUN!! hehe... I love to be active and routinely involve myself in different sports clubs and programs in order to live my life to the fullest (: . Most of all I love goodness/virtue, morality, and love. I spend most of my days researching and learning about new therapeutic methods in hopes to begin to add some good into this world (:. Simply I love knowledge,morality, honesty, and integrity. these are the some of the most important principles that make up the nature of who and what I am. Interestingly, I do enjoy partying and letting loose. But I am finding thats not exactly what makes me happy in all honesty. Although, I am very extroverted and can be the life of the party. hehe. Thusly, I enjoy long walks that involve lots of talking, i routinely video tape conversations I have, in order to preserve those moments that we all love, that we all wish to last forever (: .... What i loev most of all is creating and maintaining a deep and loving connection based on honesty. I am currently seeking a 100% honest and open relationship. Specifically my standards for relationships are only 3 honesty, courage, and kindness. These are the standards by which I am currently seeking a romantic partner and friends in my life. If your curious about anyone of my standards. I will love to discuss them further (: ... life is a series of challenges, but having people who you can share those hard occasions with is something that will only make those obstacles easier and more fun to climb together (: .... So what do you say? message me and lets do some climbing. hehe hehe, I simply love to love, . I do have a plan for the future, but of course, life and everything is always subject to change at any moment, so embrace the change, as no doubt, IT IS a beautiful time to LIVE!.... Also, I am a health nut so to speak. Eating healthy, working out, and maintaining my physical health is a very important quality of my life. (:, .... , In observation of my "Benji Nature" I am truly a cuddle bug and especially enjoy cuddling my fluffy puppy Charles, hehe. I have been told that i am a soft warm hearth to entertain ideas and enlighten the harder issues that many of us struggle with. for example, relgion, politics, life and death, purpose of life, these are all some of the most important things THAT ARE NEVER TALKED ABOUT!! therefore my goal is to change the world ........... with 1 tool love/empathy. and love is what i am seeking (: although, that will take time, so please know that truly, we are just becoming friends, because best friends make the best, life time lovers (:

Hello there... My name is cycleandstrum. It's the first time I've posted on here and in all honesty, I'm a quiet presence on here...so go easy on me Anyway, to be brief, I am not a parent and am a fairly young man But I plan to be dad one day and indeed that is the most important job role I'll ever have...that should take up a page of my future CV in BIG RED INK!!! So I was wondering if people could recommend some good parenting books they've read? And I can go ahead and poke my nose around many fine retail establishments. Thanks for your time guys!

"Daniel Reisel searches for the psychological and physical roots of human morality. Full bio He studies the brains of criminal psychopaths (and mice). And he asks a big question: Instead of warehousing these criminals, shouldn't we be using what we know about the brain to help them rehabilitate? Put another way: If the brain can grow new neural pathways after an injury … could we help the brain re-grow morality?" http://www.ted.com/talks/daniel_reisel_the_neuroscience_of_restorative_justice About 15 mins My first thought was that this would make a fascinating FDR interview. There is some discussion in the video comments as well. This snippet encompasses much of it, IMO: Emma McCreary I think you are doing some important work, and I don't doubt that you've had several success stories. A lot of times people just need to be exposed to a better way of living. At the same time, though, I must disagree with you that "It's not too late for anyone." That's wishful thinking, plain and simple. There are some people that it is just too late for, and this is not a matter of opinion at this point with our current technology and medical capabilities. Look at someone with a traumatic injury who has had damage to their amygdala. They may have once been pillars of their community but then they become extremely aggressive and unpredictable. You can't restore them to their former selves, barring a medical miracle on the horizon, any more than you can make someone with down syndrome an MIT graduate. It's just not going to happen, and no amount of social programming is going to change people with an underdeveloped or damaged amygdala--such as psychopaths/sociopaths. There have been cases, like with Jill Bolte Taylor (also a TED speaker), who've been able to repair the damage done to their brains after a stroke, but I know of not one case in the scientific literature of a rehabilitated psychopath. Ergo, for now, such a thing should be appropriately placed in the "very highly improbable to impossible" category.

Hello all. I've recently been doing some thinking about how to discuss feelings with another person. I listened to the RTR audiobook and I get as far as 'I feel X' without immediately putting the blame on them (ex. You pissed me off). I get a lot of 'Why are you sad/angry/mad/irritated (insert feeling here)' after that and I'm at a bit of a loss as how to respond to it in an appropriate manner. I'm not sure if it would be right to say 'Well I'm irritated because I don't think I'm being listened to' but without doing that I'm not sure how to discuss my feelings beyond what I am feeling. How can you discuss why you have a certain feeling that you might think is related to the other persons actions without blaming them (leading down to a chain of bashing each other rather than actually talking about the feelings and finding a productive solution). If anyone has a good example that might help too. Thank you very much in advance.

Hi everyone. It took me a long time to realize that I was wronged as a child. PROPAGANDA: I used to think my dad was virtuous, considerate, and had my best interests at heart... he was always right. I thought my mom was sweet and shy. TRUTH: I grew up with an emotionally abusive/manipulative, dictatorial father and a passive, guilt-ridden mother. It took me a long time to realize the truth. Forever, I thought "my childhood wasn't that bad, and when it was it was my own fault." I would reject myself and side with my parents. What really helped me break this POV was empathizing and sympathizing with myself. So, I thought it would be helpful to share tips for starting to empathize with ourselves when we are carrying around toxic shame from our childhoods and are prone to self-attack and self-rejection. If you have a tip, feel free to share it! Since I couldn't just say "wow, I had it rough and it wasn't my fault," I began to think of my child self as a seperate person. First I paint the picture--I was a skinny little girl with coke-bottle glasses which I had since the age of 2. I was very timid and incredibly anxious. I was afraid of adults and would avoid speaking to them. Ok, once I get an accurate image of my child self, I kind of seperate this little girl from myself. Then I replay a memory with her in place of me. Here's one: I imagine my dad after a fishing trip grabbing this little girl by the arm to hold her in place while he spanks her for wetting her pants at the age of 4 (because she was too shy to go to the portapotty alone, too scared to tell her dad she had to go, and her sister wouldn't go with her). My dad made this girl geniunely believe that she ruined his fishing trip. Then I reconnect and realize it was me who went through this and I was wronged. What about you all, how do you enable yourself to feel empathy for yourself and fight through the propaganda of having a "decent" childhood with "good" parents?

I can read the the Bible now. Has anyone gone or is going through this? I understand now why I have clung to that kind of faith. My traditional catholic upbringing makes sense now that I am Atheist. In the name of the Father = Truth. The son = Empathy. And the Holy Ghost = self knowledge. Amen=sealing the truth empathy and knowledge together.One God three divine persons. This is why the Bible is the most popular book in existence. This is what Jesus discovered and tried so hard to show the world. The world rejected him and killed him for it. This is why we feel empathy for Jesus. Everyone who clings to faith is guilty about rejecting the reality of truth. This is why I have cried and sobbed while praying to Jesus. I've broken down to him in that state but know now I was trying so hard to break myself down to understand what he went through. This is why I have always loved my religion yet have always felt hypocritical my entire life pursing the truth in the manner from with which it was presented to me. Have you all felt this? Do you feel the same? This is incredible. I don't hate my faith anymore. The two parts of me I thought have separated have not. I've always been whole. The abuse I've suffered is what caused me to split in two. This is the true reason why the world is the way it is. Wow. I've always said to myself about Jesus after I had heard it somewhere. "Whatever you want to believe about God know this: One mans death changed the world forever." Wow. I understand Everything makes sense! How this is possible! Wow. I need to start my deep breathing and focusing on things here and now. Golllleyyyyyyyy! Also sidenote: Now I am not moving at warp speed. lol. I have been doing this "stuff" my entire life and had no idea. I've slowed down and changed some things around that I was doing. I think because I've come to this reasoning this whole experience just got so much easier. I understand now. I am so happy I found freedomainradio. I appreciate your time reading this. Wow. Fourth time editing I have to say one thing very clear. I AM NOT TRYING TO GIVE ADVICE AT ALL! I feel as if I did not say that clearly enough. I'm trying to feel empathy and am using this board to help me. Expressing this emotion I've felt this morning has been another huge step in the right direction. I am getting help for this just so everybody knows. 7th or 8th time editing this. I was putting Jesus above other men because of the abuse I have suffered. This is why this has caused me such relief. Because that turmoil surfaced. If you can see the fact that I empathize with jesus now has scared me. This caused a reaction. That reaction caused me to recognize my issues with my sexuality. This is not advice these are my thoughts.

I've watched pretty much every episode of this show, which isn't hard to do if you're anywhere near a TV with MTV running all day, which is what I try to keep it on at work to distract and appease the broken who would otherwise flip straight to COPS or some prison based show.I started watching pre-philosophy and loved it, it's funniest home videos times ten with more charisma from the host, Rob Dyrdek. But Stef's arguments and experiences and podcasts on his own intense visceral reactions and ensuing need to avoid seeing things as basic as a guy getting hit in the nuts with a ball have finally got me seeing how sadistic this show really is and how desensitized I still am to violence.Stef was also talking about men in particular taking unnecessary risks to get status in a contrived world like public schools (skateboarding, risky stunts, etc), and this show displays this stuff full on.Might be a good one to do a short podcast on, tie in Ridiculousness the show and MTV and see if it helps draw some attention given how much that show is run on MTV.

So, recently having a conversation with my father who i haven't talked to in a few years, writing to him i wrote or realised something which i believe is a decent 2 cents i'd like to put out there to bounce off people and see what have you. Not the greatest at wording things but the thought is. I said to him "you ask or want things of people but then take nothing else of them into consideration" I ended up saying this after he made a douche "I realise that you have affection to Marxist and communist people" when neither marxism or communism i've ever read into.. All i told him years ago is that i wanted to travel to Peru for ayahuasca. He contacted me because he wanted me to get a dual citizenship and travel to Finland.Kind of what i've abstracted from this is that (for lack of a better way to represent it i'll say), people are an accumulation of 'parts', a puzzle with a bunch of pieces they more than 'feel associated'. They feel this of that and feel this of this. Arguably, for how many things there are in and of the world, multiplied by how many people there are of the world, is the number of possible things which can be considered (the total picture), because there are no 2 people the same (though the environments we can grow up in may be), and not until a person expresses what they feel of whichever thing will i know what they feel if anything at all of it. Equally, since there are no 2 people the same and we are, as much as we have experience are equally limited by it, can learn from one another because one may look at such things differently or look at a different part of such a thing? idk if that makes clear sense.Thankfully we only associate with a few people. Any empathic person i believe will consider or wonder your view of such and such or whichever thing. Stefan often talks about finding (can't remember what he said specifically) decent empathetic people. I think such an empathic person would consider that for every thing this is another perspective. If you have a tree and a few people standing around it, each person sees the same tree but a different side of it and can say try standing here. In a bit of a hurry but my point is:"you ask or want things of people but then take nothing else of them into consideration"Your 'parts' are what you feel. Any truly or decently empathetic person, the things they say in respect of yourself will match or be based or revolve around your feelings (although they will see a different side of them so to speak), instead of being against the grain, or some entirely different imagination land fucking neurotic bullshit. Sorry rushed at the end there lolol :

I have something to share with every soul on this forum. I have reached a breaking point in the past 24 hours. I have let go of the guilt, pain, fear, and shame I have felt everyday of my life for as long as I can remember. I have suffered sexual, physical, verbal, and mental abuse. I have carried it around with me everyday up until today. It has caused me to not feel emotion. I felt emotion for the first time in my life in the past 24 hours. Stefan, a fellow freedomain radio head, and a two year old child have been the tools I've been able to use to overcome this. I will be speaking now about the two year old I babysit and his role in changing my life forever. Hence, the title "The Power of Children". Yesterday, I get a call on the phone asking to babysit. My initial reaction is always YES. I have always loved and admired children but never been able to recognize why. So the evening comes and I arrive at the house to babysit for the evening. I see the little boy ,whom I have babysat since august. I'm feeling terrified but am smiling. The adults did not notice but the little one did. I'm going to name the two year old Bob for the rest of this. I soon as I looked at Bob, he had the strangest look on his face. He could see my fear. His parents set him down to greet me and he runs away from me. I go scurrying after him but he is running too fast to catch him. It was like he was the flash and I was turtle. He then runs up the stairs and is waiting at the top. I'm still trying to get to him. Soon as I get close enough to him, he runs into his parents room and slams the door in my face. I was beyond shocked. A few moments after I tried to open the door but couldn't. Right as this happened he opened the door and ran past me again. This time he was running to his room. And again right as I am about to get to him he slams the door in my face. At this time I opened to door after knocking and asking if he was okay. He looked right up at me again with a comforting look. We went back downstairs. His mother and father left. This has always upset him to a severe extent. Bob has always for at least an hour of cried and banged on the front door after his parents left. This is now the another thing I am able to recognize. He has never been upset for an hour about his parents leaving. It was actually on average about 15 minutes. This is my inner child (again) showing me how I have dismissed the abuse my parents have done to me by changing the amount of time this child showed his true emotion. As Bob is doing what any child does when their parents abandoned them with a stranger. I felt the fear in me. I was able to recognize this fear head on. I felt instant relief. I then asked him to please help me put together his train tracks. He stops expressing his justified emotions, and he turns around and bolts towards me. So we spend time playing, reading, watching chuggington, laughing, and of course the other things one has to do when taking care of children. Then when I felt the most comfortable I've ever felt. I ask him if he was thirsty. He didn't answer. So, I go and get his juice and hand it to him. He takes a big sip and spits it directly into my face. And smiles. After he spit in my face the only thing that was in my mind was "What facial expression can I show to teach this child empathy and not to be disrespectful to others". I did the expression I thought would be appropriate and he runs away to corner. I walk over after a brief pause to tell him how that hurt my feelings and try to convey how disrespectful that is and not to ever do that again. He slightly turns and has the biggest smile on his face. I now further recognize what this actually meant. I was almost completely unaware at the time. He was telling me about my lack of boundaries (I've never had them until today. I've already stuck up for myself more today than I have in my entire life) Bob knew the effect that that action would have on me which caused him to smile. I'm still in a intense state of shock at the amount of intuition and empathy this child is capable of. He's two years old. I'm 21 years old. He's been in his diaper longer than I have been in my emotions. That son of a gun knew exactly what he was doing. He was telling me not only about my lack of boundaries but how much I have disrespected myself. Time passes and we are still playing. I felt overwhelmingly tired and had to just lay on the couch. He was playing right next to me on the ground with his toys. Right as I lay down he climbs up on the couch. He is having difficulty so I help him up. He sits way far away from me and gives me a look. It was slightly mischievous (from what I perceived at the time it was actually him thinking of what to do next). He looks away. Then a couple minutes later he gets up, runs, and tackles me. He jumped on me. I'm panicking because I trying so hard to get him off me and him not be hurt at all. This moment felt like an eternity. Eventually I managed to set him down. I tell him not to do that because it's disrespectful. He turns and smiles at me and pats my leg. What he did right there was him testing my boundaries again. Normally any child I have babysat I have always let them do whatever they wanted to. Grab my hair, pull my clothes, hit me, bite me. Because to me then it would have been evil to not let them express their selves. Later he then tested my boundaries again. He ran up stairs and got his blanket and we both brought it down the stairs. We sit on the couch and he puts the blanket over our heads. He is trying to hold the blanket up to it is like some kind of fort. So I put his hands down and I instead put my hands up holding the blanket up. He's smiling still at me so lovingly. He's pointing to the trains on the blanket and talking. It was mostly baby blabber but it made perfect sense to me and I talked to him. Eventually my arms got tired and I didn't want to hold the blanket anymore. I actually told him that. Now this persistent little boy is so very persistent in testing me. He then over and over tries to put the blanket over my head. Each time I say no, he smiles and giggles. I just had another moment. This is so powerful. Every child I have ever taken care of has tried to incredibly hard to help me. All of the babies I've been around. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM HAS TRIED TO SAVE ME! The amount of empathy children are capable of is so far beyond anything an adult could ever achieve. This is why I have always wanted to be around children. I've just now come to this realization and it is the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me. I'm shaking and crying. My dogs are all over me. I can barely type. After that happened I swear that 7 year old me was sitting next to me and for once I was there for her. For once somebody was there for her when she really needed it. The next thing I know time is slowing down for some reason and I'm the happiest I have ever been in my life. As I was changing his diaper, feeding him, asking him lots of questions (which he actually can answer with a yes or no [at two years old]), teaching him things, looking at his little face. I felt love. Not in a romantic sense at all. But I felt loved and I loved this little boy. I've always loved children but have never been able to recognize it as love. But they did. Every baby I've been around has known this about me and reached their little hands out to me to pick me up. The rest of the night was the most wonderful thing I could ever describe. His parents come home around midnight and him and I are wide awake. His parents come in and he greets them and comes right back to me or at least around me. I've always been stand offish when parents greet their children. I always back away. He noticed that. So his mom asked him if he would like to give me a hug. I get down to his level expecting him not to and then he does. He hugged me for the second time that night. I tell his parents how perfect he was and thank them for the opportunity to be around their child. His father says "Alright, Time for her to go home". Bob looses his mind and clings to my leg crying. His arms and legs are around my leg. He wouldn't let go. He wasn't upset about me leaving but about me not being able to recognize what just happened. He cried so hard because he didn't know for sure if I was going to realize what just happened and was still trying to help me. I've felt emotion today. All day. I've expressed how I feel without trying to guess how other people feel. I learned how to separate myself from my emotions in order to survive the environment I was in as a child up until august. I hope this all was a good read. Haha no, I know this was a good read. You're welcome. Thank you for reading this. Thank you Stefan for what you've done. Thank you to Nathan who listened to me and held my hand all through this. Thank you Bob. You little son of a gun. I can't wait to spend three days around the clock with you babysitting you. I was reborn today. How about you?

I now think that sociopaths do exist and they are maybe 5% of the population, they do want to harm others, they indeed have no empathy. I have argued the opposite before*, but I can see now how I had missed something, that it's possible to "be" a sociopath. And then change to no longer be one. So I think a lot of people do the things that sociopaths do, and whereas before I considered them not sociopaths because the way I see it they can change, I now accept that it is valid (if you like putting labels on people, which I find brings me nothing useful) to think of them as sociopaths. I think the people labelled sociopaths can develop their empathy, the reason they haven't done so and the reason they don't care for others is because of the life they've had, that got them to disconnect from their feelings. I was like that. A few years ago I thought that 99.99% of people were so dumbed down by society and school and by childhood trauma that they just couldn't help doing stupid things like destroy the environment through senseless over-comsumption and irrational behavior, and that unfortunately it was so difficult and so time consuming to get them to heal, that it made more sense to let them die. I wished for a mass catastrophe that would kill most people. For the past 3 years I've been slowly reconnecting with my feelings and developing my empathy. With the latest progress I've made over the past month, I think I'm now connected to my feelings enough that I can empathize with people most of the time. So, I recognize now that it can be true that somebody has been acting like a sociopath, is acting like a sociopath now. But to me this does not mean that they cannot change, I am convinced that giving them the empathy they need can get them to calm down and to begin to reconnect with their feelings, and learn to make sense of the world in a way that won't lead them to cutting off again. * FDR 2221 Stef's mother's table, Rehabilitating Very Violent People (not always a lost cause), To Judge or Not to Judge?" A conversation on Mor... , dry-chicken-incident

I am currently devising my master's thesis study, in which I'll look at whether people's attitudes towards public schooling and unschooling are correlated with their level of general empathy and their level of empathy towards children. To look at this last piece (level of empathy towards children) I am thinking about presenting people with one or more short vignettes describing a conflict betweena child and an adult (probably, their parent) and asking people to briefly describe how they, if they were the adult in the vignette, would go about resolving that conflict. Afterwards, I will look in the replies for things that suggest that the person is mindful of the child's internal experience (e.g., that they asked about the child's feelings, thoughts, or preferences; or that they attempted to respectfully negotiate with the child). So - I'm trying to create those vignettes, and I'm wondering - what, from your perspective, would be some good parent (or adult) - child conflicts that I could include? Anything goes, I just need help brainstorming Thanks!

Over a year ago I read this letter at my therapist office and I cried my guts out. I realized what I missed all my life, what my parents didn't give me: Love. This letter helped me to realize that good parents and happy (normal) childhood do exist even if they possibly are 1% of the population but knowing that their numbers will increase in the future brings me joy. With a forum like this one, Stefan Molyneux and many authors who encourage people to know their histories and take their childhood dramas seriously so each one of us can stop the cycle of violence on the self and on others and especially stop violating kids. The letter is in French titled "Une belle enfance" I translated it and tried to keep its essence. Enjoy! The letter hello mrs alice MILLER, I'm very happy to write to you, now I finished reading your book "open your eyes to our own history" The Truth Will Se You Free, that I was advised by my neighbor, who read you and at one of our great discussions on children he insisted that I read your book. I am a facilitator in prevention in the field of addiction, legal or illegal drugs, this is the first time I read a book of my life and have no regrets because you encouraged me to continue to read what you write is so true. I am fortunate to have had an uncommon education , my parents raised me like you advise in your writings and I recognized myself in the history of President Gorbachev, I am very happy I did never experienced violence and yet I guess with the stupid things I was doing, other parents would have been extremely violent, I have the proof around me, you're right we must communicate to educate children, never hit them. I'll give you a concrete example. when I was 6 years old my parents one day went to a family party which was 6 km from our suburban neighborhood (Paris) seine saint denis 93, I knew where my parents were gone and knew the way because we often went to this family with my parents, I recorded in my head the way out of habit, so I proposed to my eldest sister of two years to reach both my parents at the party by foot. My sister told me okay, we took the path and went through the main streets, many cars driving fast, a very dangerous road, we arrived safely. Our parents watching us stunned believing that we had arrived to them through someone in my family who have accompanied us. my mother asked us very quietly not to traumatize us and with a smile, how did you come? we answered her by walking! my parents looked at each other and told us you are very smart! I felt myself at that moment, a big boy and they never blamed me or my sister, now I know their heart was pounding for fear of losing us, I can tell you hundreds of stories like this, or the times they feared for me, they had a patient behavior and full of love even in unspoken words, when in the street I was attracted to bad things it always came to my mind a oral agreement unconsciously my parents and I had taken, I would have never broken that oral agreement for anything in the world., I should write a book in tribute to my parents. All my life I've wanted to work in an office near doctors, I like the atmosphere of waiting rooms, I love the humankind because my parents gave me a lot of love, I say easily I LOVE YOU I know what love is I have always received it since my birth July 21, 1969 the day Neil Amstrong put his foot on the moon planet, my parents taught me to wish well to the other person and not the contrary to teach us to not to be racist, my parents told us when you meet a black person know that you have met luck. today in my humanitarian work I everyday meet stakeholders, psychiatrists, or social workers and can even tell you mrs Miller, what you are talking about in your book is true I see it with my own eyes and I detected for a very long time, you have reassured me I felt alone in the world realizing this, stakeholders are sometimes very sick, they only think of their name at the top of the poster or to have the largest lineup to have additional money from specialized agencies they want to make patients addicted to their institution, it is too easy to play with people who have problems and manipulate them stakeholders do not want to care for them and prefer to stay in power. I have no degree and got out of school after two years of training in mechanics at 16, I got a passion for music, at 15 I was attracted by the dj mixes, I trained myself to become dj alone by myself, fortunately for me because my friends at the same time were plunging their noses into heroin, I am 39 years old I'm happy in my own skin. in my work as a facilitator of prevention I bring my knowledge that is not found in the books of Freud and Lacan, autodidact I drew from great thinkers of psychiatry, with time and thinking I created a another form of approach, gentleness, patience, empathy and listening allows me for over 20 years as a professional humanitarian, to help people in trouble, and have never known except if amnesia, any violence from the people that I meet every day. My school is the street because the school of the republic (France) I tried to forget it since the kindergarten after a spanking pants down in public, I did not do anything I was calm and respectful Fortunately I met helping witnesses throughout my life the first ones were my parents. I thank you and support you until the last breath in your fight ... fraternally MRS MILLER. alice Source http://www.alice-miller.com/courrier_fr.php?lang=fr&nid=2362&grp=1108 I hope you enjoyed this beautiful letter Lens

http://completeliberty.com/magazine/read/episode-188---empathy-circle-addressing-domination-systems_275.html links to a video of Wes Bertrand and 3 others using an empathy circle to discuss domination systems. I am intrigued by the empathy circle technique. The idea is explained briefly at the beginning of the video, as some of the participants were using it for the first time.