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This problem's bugged me on and off so I wanna run past you guys before I'm 30 and panicking. I'm gay and I want to have children some day. Lots of them preferably, all raised peacefully. The problems I foresee are lack of female influence, conflict in who's child should be given birth to, and if we both have a child the problem of favoritism by genes (racism kinda). 1. Female influence. A stable nuclear family is crucial to the healthy development of children. Both fathers and mothers bring characteristics that acclimatize kids to the sexes and help balance each other out. Also women have boobs which helps with breastfeeding and IQ. (I think breastfeeding boosts IQ. Don't know if that's true.) 2. Who has the kid. Adoption is out of the question. Has to be my genes and has to start from square one. If I decided to have one kid with my partner, conflict may arise with who's sperm gets into the egg. This is a non-issue with a nuclear family. Which leads to... 3. Genetic favoritism. If both of us have surrogate children, favoritism by genetic origin could cause conflict. This I have second thoughts on, because virtue trumps bloodline, and children raised virtuously can't help but mirror that virtue. Has anyone else had thoughts about this situation? Any gay guys on here had this dilemma? I don't wanna raise a kid in a naturally dysfunctional environment and I wanna take care of this concern now. I feel like the answer is right in front of me but I can't see it through my caution. I feel like I'm operating on broken biology.

EDIT: I am talking about myself. I have a friend, who is really having a hard time of it. I wasn't sure what to say to him, as this incident I'm about to describe was very revealing in lots of bad ways and I don't know how to answer it. Friend walks out and mentions to his mother some trivia about a show she was watching. She asks him not to mention trivia about the show, saying it confuses her. He asked why. She started wringing her hands and practically said she was mentally retarded. He denied she was retarded, and then she started getting all passive-aggressive and sarcastic. He asked her to stop being passive aggressive with her, and she got mad demanding "please be quiet". Then she compared him to her own mother (his grandmother), whom he grew up hearing about how she beat her and abused her and neglected her, and the mother knew that comparison always hurt the son. He gave up and came to me. Now I'm here asking "what the Hell? What do I do? What can I say? Sounds stupid but it clearly hints to a much larger underlying problem. I know he's been considering defooing his mother once he's able to do so financially, but I don't know..." Help me out, anyone wise and impartial about this sort of thing. I'm not an expert. I'm a layman who studies this sort of thing and tries to help himself as best he can, but I don't know how I can handle something so close to home.

Hi, I have not posted here before but I have been listening to Stefans podcasts for a year and a half now. I have been listening to two old podcasts (FDR_311_Mother_Part_1 and FDR_422_Maternal_Passive_Aggression) about passive aggressive mothers and what he was saying has really resonated with me. “I don't want to be wary and guarded and fearful of constant manipulation from people who are in my life.” This line resonated with me so much that it has given me the tool to be able to express my relationship with my mother. I am continuously fearful of her manipulation and cannot trust her emotionally, that she does not behave in a way that tells me she recognises that I am a separate and independent human being. I have tried talking with her and telling her that I need her to treat me like an adult, and to help me become fully independent, to which she was dismissive. In general, what her behaviour tells me is that she thinks that I am and extension of herself, and so she has no care about how she treats me emotionally. I have told her that she "does not care how she talks to me" to which she listened to but gave no feedback. Dismissive I guess. She has never taught me the skills necessary to be an adult in this world, and that she hasn't even tried to teach me anything at all about my father (who died when I was 4). Every way she has treated me in the past (before I did everything I could to cut her out) was about her ego. Since I have cut her out, she has not even tried to behave like a responsible parent, breach the gap, and instruct me in life. She has made no attempt to reconcile, instead using manipulative tactics to try and regain control over my emotions. She has done this by playing victim to my siblings and manipulating them into thinking that I have been victimizing her, when I have in fact I cut her out for my own health. Yet, I am very frustrated in that I have woken up today, and had some positive feelings towards her. I don't know why and this is. I should be seriously angry and focusing my attention on myself in order to get myself out of this situation. But no, positive feelings and doubt about my rationality towards this selfish person who treats me like her doll. Her dud child who she thinks she is allowed to play with like a damn toy. She did however a couple of years ago offer to pay for therapy, and did pay for my first session - I stopped it though, deciding this was not the right therapist. I am beginning to doubt my convictions against her in an emotional sense, but when I try to look at this objectively, the doubt does not add up. Am I being vindictive in cutting her out? And can I say that she is a bad mother since she did offer to pay for and did pay for one session of therapy? To me, the negatives appear to outweigh the positives, but I will say, I don't think in paying for my therapy, she was doing it for my benefit. I don't think she cares for me, but is rather using me as a utility to heal this family that lost its father. I think this because a therapist I went too pointed out that I am a "conduit" for this family, someone who feels the entire mood of the family and from which other members of the family look to for an emotional setting. I am so tired of being the family scapegoat and have cut them out mostly, but I am beginning to doubt, and I don't want to end up supplicating to her.

My newest article on how NOT to raise a boy to respect women, himself, of anybody: http://blog.selfarcheology.com/2016/01/how-not-to-raise-boy-to-respect-women.html

I am having a difficult time telling if the woman I am with is fit to be a mother to my potential children. The good: She is intelligent, nurturing, a good listener (mostly?), is completely on board with peaceful parenting, she can make some income from home, good looking, already owns a house. The bad: She is does not have a lot of friends, and her family would not make an acceptable extended network for raising children. She is prone to intense bouts of anxiety and/or depression, there is always a 'good' reason, but it seems far too often and too intense to me. therapy doesnt seem to be helping her, her therapist seems very feminist and pushes her into a victim mentality, which just makes things worse. I am very afraid that we will have children, and she will just "have bad days" when I am not around, and she will be left caring for my child(ren) while going into a frighteningly irrational and dissociated state. We are both in our late 20's, the time is here for this sort of thing and I dont know who to ask, I have never directly seen a marriage that I want to emulate.

From The Paradox of Declining Female Happiness: When mothers stayed home families were better off prior to chasing equality, even financially: Basically a group of unhappy women thought equality to men would make them happy. The people that listened to them neglected to notice that men were not as happy as women. Was any progress made towards equality? Yes! Women are closer to the same level of happiness as men, and those unhappy women that started it all. Good job feminists! Misery loves company.

My newest video on how people become unmotivated and unaware of their true feelings and interests.

My newest video; an example of a narcissistic father and a narcissistic person in general: http://vimeo.com/selfarcheology/father

I have problems with assertiveness. That includes when other people around me express assertiveness, and when I wish to be assertive. I spoke about this just now with another FDR-member. We had talked for a while, when he said that while he really enjoyed our conversation, he had to go and get some sleep. This evoked a feeling of sadness and guilt on my part. I felt as if I had done something wrong in the interaction, that I had been inconsiderate. We took some time to talk about my experience, and turns out, suprise suprise, he said it had nothing to do with our conversation. If he could, he would have loved for it to keep going. It's just he had to get some sleep. What I could gather from thinking about it and talking with my friend, is that before, other peoples needs have been negative to me. Especially with my mom. That she used to express, both implicitly and explicitly, that I was bothersome to her. That my existence was interfering with her needs. What is a dependant child supposed to do in such a situation? Why, the logical course of action, is to reject yourself, by becoming critical of yourself and learning to please your parent, and in the end, please others. A people-pleaser. This is one side of the ''assertive-coin'' relating to me. The other side of it, is to express needs of my own. I find it very difficult to express my needs. I will say yes to things, even though I want to say no. And if I have a need, I will most likely no bring it up, having a voice telling me ''You will bother that person if you do that! They'll get annoyed with you! You do not have any value to offer! Your needs are inferior to other people's needs''. And I bend to that critical voice, staying quiet when I have a need. It ties in with what I wrote above about my mother. Not only did I have to make sure I did not interfer with her needs, I also had to supress my own needs because they annoyed her. The guy I talked to has similar problems. So we decided that we are going to work on getting more assertive with our needs, and deal with our feelings arising around the assertiveness of eachother. Are there other people here who have experienced/experiences similar relationships with assertiveness? I'd love to hear other people's perspectives, as always

My mother messaged me on Facebook today with an article about environmentalism. seems like something you could get behind… http://billmoyers.com/2014/04/28/young-people-are-taking-the-government-to-court-over-its-failure-to-address-climate-change/ This is what I replied. They are only petitioning the courts and criticizing the EPA for not having enough environmental legislation when it's environmental legislation that is the problem! AND the US government, and governments around the world, pollute far more than any business or factory ever could. If these kids really cared about the environment they'd want to disband and end the EPA because it's those regulations that cause the problem in the first place. If there's more legislation, all the corporations will just lobby to exempt themselves, and environmental alternatives and small business start ups won't be able to compete and the monopoly is maintained. This is the problem with thinking that the violence of the state can do anything productive. Violence is not the way to solve social problems, and violence will in fact exacerabate the environmental issues. The USSR had the most enviromental regulations on the books of any nation in history, and, surprise surprise, they polluted and destroyed their lands faster than any other country as well. Well intentioned opposition to a non solution? yes.. but trying to fight violence with more violence doesn't solve anything, in fact, it usually makes things worse. her response: They are not going to be able to disband the EPA so instead of doing nothing, they are trying to work within the system to make change. Some change. Your philosophy reminds me of born again christians who just claim that this system is unacceptable at the core and so they wait for the great by and by (in this case heaven) while you're and others are waiting for the dissolution of the state… neither will happen anytime soon. meanwhile, people who could use your help (or animals, the environment) still suffer cuz you're waiting on a different system to be put in place. I felt myself gearing up for a big political discussion and was ready to whip out my big libertarian book of studies and facts, but suddenly remembered to connect with my feelings, 'what was I feeling just then?' I was hurt. I was really hurt. I let go of all the libertarian rage that fuels my political discussions and I could do was cry for a few minutes. I haven't read all of RTR, but I've heard Stef talk about the basic premise and decided to try something new. I'd tell her how I felt. "Your philosophy reminds me of born again christians who just claim that this system is unacceptable at the core and so they wait for the great by and by (in this case heaven) while you're and others are waiting for the dissolution of the state…" When you say things like this, I feel incredibly hurt. I try to approach things logically and empirically and all I get is chastised and compared to born again christians. "waiting for the dissolution of the state" "people who could use your help (or animals, the environment) still suffer cuz you're waiting on a different system to be put in place." again, this is really hurtful. It seems that you characterize my position as just sitting on my thumbs, and sitting idly by while people suffer. Do you understand why that is incredibly insulting and inflammatory? I really don't understand the need for that, and, it really makes me feel dismissed and my love for philosophy trivialized. Not to mention that it's not true. This is what she replied I'm sorry, sweetheart. I am not trying to hurt you. But I think the parallel is an interesting one. I wonder if you can stand outside of the feeling of hurt and see the connection I am proposing. Purely theoretical in that you are very 'certain' with what you think/ believe what the solution is. I don't find certainty compelling whether it comes from the left or the right. Also, and this is not new, I tend not to value standing outside of the system and complaining or chastising if at the end of the day nothing is much different. Again, I see similarities at a meta level regardless of the issue and I tend to point out those things. It's what I do in my work and so it comes second nature to me. Ok honey. I don't know what else to say but 'sorry'…. I am not used to you getting hurt so easily on topics of philosophical nature. I didn't mean to do that and am not really that invested in the topic to continue. Sorry to have drudged this up. You know you better than I do. My response I see the connection you are making, that's what is hurtful. If I compared you to Neo-nazis or african dictators or the spanish inquisition, you get how that would just be more inflammatory and hurtful than productive right? isn't this what you get so upset with your mother about? being unneccesarily inflamitory? This is an important issue that needs to be addressed. I don't want to continue feeling like I have to self erase and self censor around you because I get attacked every time I share my thoughts with you, at least on topics that you disagree with. We don't have to talk about it now, I know I'm having a strong emotional response that might make things more difficult. To which she gave an unsatisfactory apology, and signed off. I'm shaking now as I type this message... this really rattled me and I would *so* greatly appreciate other's insight. Feel free to ask any questions about history or what have you. This follows about 5 months of really head-butting over political issues. Thanks for everyone's support and empathy, I know it's a lot to read. Love, James. Edit: sorry for the font being a little schizophrenic, I was copy/pasting from Facebook, I tried to make it as clear as possible.

So I thought it would be prudent to post this here & get some feedback. I wrote this to send to my other brother who has suspicions that they attack me & lie in order to cover it up, so he could read it & understand that I'm not the one causing the conflict in my household. I plan on documenting it every time it happens either through writing or recordings of the event. So if it's written weird understand that it is written in a sort of letter format. Also I would like to reach out to Dsayers & make an apology for being rude & aggressive towards him & while we both have been rude to each other in one way or another I have primarily initiated the attacks on him. So please forgive me & we can be best buddies lol. 4/12/14 10:40-10:51 So today I was attacked by my mother & my brother. Instead of telling me what exactly I did wrong they both persisted at launching insults at me calling me such things as a loser, motherfucker & even insulting my father who had nothing to do with anything. When I proceeded to ask what they were mad at me for they said that I don't do anything they ask which puzzled me because I hadn't been asked to do anything my mom had just told me that she made a grilled cheese sandwich for me even though I had told her before that I didn't want one (which she probably blocked out when she went on her tangent about the dishes not having the lids placed on them & said that me & Jasem were "fucking lazy" that's why there wasn't lids. (Jasem will deny that this occurred because instead of dealing with his psychological problems he proceeds to repress them which is the only logical explanation for the many bad dreams he has & the rampant depressions that frequently hit him which he in turn displaces onto his homosexual life coupled with his fascination with hiding his identity in drag outfits which is his subconsciousness projecting his repressed problems onto his social life.) Jasem at this time was making his juicing shake, he was adding fruits into the machine & he looked up & rolled his eyes while mom had her back turned.) so I had just fixed up the plastic containers & made sure they had the lids along with taking out the trash & putting in a new trash bag. Jasem then asked me to bring down the keys to the car & when I brought them down he didn't thank me as if I was obligated to bring them down & so I sarcastically said your welcome & proceeded upstairs. While I was upstairs I took a gulp of my water & picked up a book on my shelf just to peruse through it, my mom called & told me to come down & eat my grilled cheese to which I replied Ok (as someone who has experienced poverty I never let food go to waste even if I don't want it, which is probably why I overeat & am obese). I was reading for a little bit more when Jasem came upstairs & said "Mom is calling you why don't you fucking respond" to which I replied "What are you talking about I responded", my mom was following right behind him & her exact words were "he's a fucking son of a bitch motherfucker just like his fucking father". I was dumbfounded as to what caused such a rage especially when I had kept to myself in a semi isolation, I then said " Wow what has got you guys so aggressive this morning?" To which Jasem replied you don't ever fuckin answer her" to which I responded "yes I did, you to are just trying to find a reason to attack me because haven't done anything that could legitimately spark your anger" (I will admit that I have an anger problem but I have been working on it as best as I can & if I had to say I haven't had any of the usual outbursts of anger that I would have in the past & I am much nicer to people now than I was before). Then Jasem went down stairs while I was asking why he was mad & chose to attack me & he just yelled at the top of his lungs for me to shut up to which I responded "why are you avoiding the questions" my mom then came out of her closet & told me to shut up & I replied "why, you guys are attacking me & I'm not allowed to ask questions" which she then pushed past me & went downstairs while I was telling her that she knows she is in the wrong but to stubborn to acknowledge it. She then said I'm gonna get her sick & I said that she is doing that to herself(she is in a destructive relationship with my step dad who is an asshole & she stresses alot because she tries to micromanage everyone's life including her own even though I always tell her that she cannot control all the variables in her life) to which she responded that she "should stick a knife in my chest & then maybe you & Jasem Will be happy" to which I replied "reverting to emotions doesn't put you in the right & your basically a cat caught in the corner with its claws out". I then said that I didn't even want the grilled cheese in the first place & that's when I proceeded to enter my room, sit on my bed with Man, Economy & State in my hands & read, then I wrote this after reading a few pages cause I felt I should document this. Edit: Also please notify me if I made any errors or if your confused about something.

Hey everyone, I'm going to jump right in. I'd like to give a little background first so you're on the same page. If anyone has time, I would really appreciate opinions on the conversation below. My name is Andrew. I'm 26, and I'm a long time listener of FDR (my first post on the boards). I just started some serious self-work due to a tipping point finally being reached in my family. About three weeks ago I told them that I wanted a break. I expressed my desire to have space in order to figure things out. Without going into the full history, there's some serious emotional abuse and neglect that I feel I've been subjected to. I haven't seen them or spoken to them for about three weeks now. I've confronted my Mom in the past about these concerns I have of my childhood. What I'm trying to do right now is write down every single detail I can remember about my past. I'm trying to put together a timeline of sorts containing all of the events and experiences I can remember of as a child. So a couple days ago I asked my Mom if I could pick up all of the childhood school papers / pictures she saved. I told her that it would really help me in this whole process during therapy. (I found an amazing one thank god). She told me that she would put together a box with everything and that I could pick it up today (Sunday the 19th). All day today I've been a nervous wreck. And to make a long story short I decided not to go over. I couldn't do it. I just can't see her face to face yet. I'm not ready. So the below conversation is what followed through text message. (I purposely left the typos in the conversation. I felt that it would help paint a more accurate picture of my Mom. Also the lost key conversation happened through email earlier in the day). Me: "I'm sorry mom I cant make it over tonight. I have the day off tomorrow...would you mind leaving the box in the backyard or garage? I could swing over during the day and pick it up." Mom: "Why can't you make it over" Me: "I don't know...I guess I'm scared to..." Mom: "We'll Andy that really hurts me I didn't know I scared you wow! I guess all I can say is when you get your courage back you can come over and get the stuff I put together for you this week. Come over tomorrow if you want after I get off work at 2:30 and pick it up I would like to talk. Love you mom" Mom: "Did you loose all your keys can you still drive your car.? Please reply thank you" Me: "Yeah I got all new keys made last week. I don't think im ready to talk face to face yet, im sorry. Would you mind leaving the box outside? I'd still like to look at the files if you don't mind." Mom: "I don't know what files your talking about I put together dates on a piece of paper dates where we lived and when we lived there. Also the box of your time at meadow lake school and pictures when you were little. I'm not putting them outside it's going to snow tomorrow if you can't see me after work then you can pick the stuff up when you can you can face I'm sorry you can't even see me I love you andy." Mom: "I just don't understand why your feeling this way towards me what did I do? For you to feel this way ." Me: "What about putting the stuff in the garage? You usually leave that unlocked right? I really really want to look at these things. I appreciate very much that you took the time to write down dates...it would help me a lot..." Me: "I don't know mom...that's what im trying to figure out in therapy right now." Mom: "Sorry Andy if you want the stuff tomorrow you can get it from me I want to see you . You don't have to stay and talk. You said you would come over today well I'm going to hold you to that." Me: "Ok. I'll pick up the stuff when I'm ready to talk face to face." Mom: "Ok I'm sorry you feel that way about me remember you have mail to pick up to when ever your ready to see me love mom:-*" I just can't believe that she's holding these things "hostage" in a way. I feel disgusted, completely neglected, and angry as hell. I'm starting to remember her doing this kind of thing to me when I was a kid. Ugh.

In this video I analyze a commonly dysfunctional family. As an example I use two scenes from the movie "Shuffle." http://dai.ly/x1gqwzt

I have been invited to a baby shower type event and I am hoping to bring much needed parenting resources to this particular woman. The situation: I met the soon-to-be mother about 18 months to 2 years ago through a friend she was dating at the time (not the father). She is a heroin addict that has abstained from use for the past 5 months. In the very beginning I provided her legal counsel/helped her navigate the court system, a decision I presently regret. I did this as a favor for my friend. She was facing possession and theft charges but was released from jail with 2 years probation after spending only 3 days there. Subsequent parole violations (5) have not resulted in any significant repercussions. This woman was raised in a highly dysfunctional family with an abusive mother and largely absent father. In addition to the heroin addiction there has been recurrent verbal and sexual abuse in her history. Aside from the probation/abstinence thing she has done little in the way of self-work, lives with her mother, and is employed as a coffee barista. She has had a string of failed romantic relationships, some with abusive/aggressive men. She finally decided that something was missing from her life... what you may ask? A BABY. So she went out and found "a nice guy" that would stick around to raise a child and proceeded to get pregnant. Now she is 3 months pregnant and planning on keeping the child. I feel largely responsible for making this a possibility for her by keeping her out of the court system. This does however put me in a unique position where the mother is open to hearing my advice and considers me an intelligent/wise authority. Although she is registered for particular gifts I would like to bring parenting resources that she will actually use instead. The parameters are that she is of moderate intelligence and is literate but has shown little capacity for self-knowledge. Resources directed toward parenting techniques I think would be most effective- i.e. do not hit your kids, do not scream at your kids, breast feed, be present in their lives, don't do heroin/other drugs, etc. Does anyone have particular suggestions?

Here is my previous post on some of my story: http://board.freedomainradio.com/topic/38334-hi-from-norway/ I live far apart from my family. I used to live in my dead grandfathers house before they sold the house. When they sold the house I drove 1000km far north to Tromsø. My parents tried to talk me out of this decision, but I ignored it. In october/november or so they contacted me and wanted me to visit them. I refused. My mom managed to talk me into agreeing that they (my father and mother) come and visit me. When they came my mother had brought gifts, she said "I brought you this cooking pot, which I have promised you". I felt uncomfortable, I specifically said before they came to not bring any gifts. Now she said she had promised me this pot? The pot was bought with my dads money as usual. Not completely sure this is a manipulative strategy to make me feel guilty to give something back, I feel cynical about taking this point of view, but it certainly did not feel right. I wanted to refuse taking it, but gave in. There where other people around (those that shared my apartment) and I didn't want to make a scene. Also I decided to just play along, counting days until they left again. Anyway. We used a lot of time looking at houses. I have gotten 100k $ from my grandfather on my fathers side. My father was really excited and had lots of enthusiasm. Checking the internet for different houses and apartments, arranging several each day. Some where really expensive, but managable. I would just be able to pay the interest of the loan. It did not feel right, but I got excited as well, I quite tired of living with strangers... After they left I felt relieved. My mother called on the phone and started nagging me that I had to remember ordering airplane tickets for the Christmas holidays. I procrastinated it, I just couldn't do it. I really did not want to come and spend Christmas with them. I told her so. She said something like, come on it will be alright. It will be good for you. I ended up giving in. The tickets where quite expensive, since I waited for it so long. After that I got really depressed. I started to isolate myself in the room and could not concentrate on the exams. I went back into a completely dysfunctional state that I have suffered from in the past. I ended up sleeping in the day and being awake in the night to avoid my room mates. All the exams went terrible, even though I had done a lot of ground work earlier in the semester. I started to realize that I could still change my mind, even though I had bought expensive tickets. Those money where gone anyway. I flipped back and forth, unable to make up my mind. Two days before I was supposed to go, I decided to not go, just enjoy my own company. All the roommates would leave and I could enjoy the silence. I had been hiding in my room, cooking food on a rice cooker and small hot plate. Now I could enjoy the living room and a real kitchen. On the day I was supposed to leave I called my mother (around the time I was supposed to arrive). I told her that I really did not want to visit them, and that the truth was that I really did not enjoy Christmas, that it made me depressed spending time with them with all this exterior stuff; presents, food etc. but with an empty feeling inside. The "topics" of conversation also dives me insane. They are so vacuous and uninteresting. She got angry and sad. She kept saying what am I going to tell the others? She said she somehow had to bear the responsibility of me not coming, now they would be disappointed at her. At a later phone call I told my mom that I did not want to see them anymore. I complained about their emotional neglect in my childhood. She kept saying thet they did as best they could. I was quite angry in this phone call and said that it was not good enough. She started crying. I said that crying was not going to change my mind. Then she started to say that I put the blame on them for my own misery. That I made up stories to justify my position in life. I threw the same thing back at her. That it could be argued that her story served her purposes in the exact same way. Then she got really angry and that really sharp voice came out of her. I can remember this voice from my childhood. It's really scary, really sharp and angry. It doesn't affect me ass much anymore though. Next phone cal she pretended like nothing and started to tell me really detailed stuff about what had happened, the weather etc. I just told her, that I really did not care about all this, could she not remember our last call? She kept trying to just pretend like nothing and bring the conversation back to normal. Now she keeps sending me text messages. Hope everything is fine! Hear the weather is nice. We have just been skiing etc.She keeps calling as well, but I don't pick it up. It's freaking annoying! I talked to my oldest sister the other day. She said I was being childish. Then she wanted to send me a gift, I said that I really did not want it, but she kept insisting. I felt guilty and gave in. The package has arrived, but I haven't picked it up yet. Should I send it back again? So what is going on here. Why does my mother keep sending me text messages that are all happy happy, and just pretending she doesn't know that I really just want to be left alone? My father has stopped all contact. He kept asking me if he could transfer the money from my grandfather. I kept saying that it was not in a hurry and that I didn't want them cause I was afraid that would make me unable to take student loans. Now I have decided to drop out of university. I told him he could send the money, but I have not heard anything from him. What's going on there? Is he afraid I will just waste them, now that he know I don't want to have anything to do with them? Or is he playing some kind of game? I'm afraid calling him cause I know he will keep saying that I shouldn't have dropped out of college etc. All he ever talks about is what I'm supposed to do according to "the script". I have followed that script long enough now and it makes me miserable. If I talk about his emotional absence when I was growing up he either goes into anger/rage mode. Or he uses the pity game, making me feeling guilty. A long rant. I just could not sleep and felt like venting. (also I checked my phone and there it was another message from my mother)

Hello FDR. Recently, over the last couple of weeks, I've been planning a trip to south-east Asia. I think I want to go over there to live a life that is simpler, slower and more focused on meditation, travel and meeting new people. I have found that that is probably the best region in the world to do those sorts of things. The cost of living is low compared to where I live, Eastern Canada. The weather is also warm all year, and there are basically two patterns(sunny or rainy). I'm currently saving money for this trip working as an administrator at my mother's driving school. I work just over 30 hours a week, and I take care of appointments, giving out information to students and answering the phone. I get paid a pretty good wage, just over 12$ an hour, for work I find very easy. I spend a lot of time when I'm in the office browsing the web or listening to audiobooks or podcasts. I also live in my mother's house, and it enables me to save more as I don't pay rent or pay for my food. Now there are some issues with this. I don't believe my mother ever really connected with me. I vaguely remember abuse, taking the form of verbal humiliation and spankings. My parents divorced when I was 14 years old. I don't remember talking to them about it, or them bringing it up with me. I didn't get to process it at all and was feeling very anxious and depressed at that time. I couldn't get empathy from them in any way. Now, I've tried to talk to my mother about my issues with my past, and her actions. She was extremely defensive and denied or manipulated me into "forgiveness". After a heated "debate", I decided to leave the house. I went to live with a friend of mine for just over 4 months, and barely contacted my mother or my father. I forgot to mention that I have since completely stopped to see my father. I know what choice I am currently making: I am not going to talk to her about anything that is meaningful to me, no matter the cost. I do need to talk to her about my trip, though, and I am sure she will mention how she wants me to contact her when I'm there, and other things. I am thinking of using this trip as a way to divorce myself entirely from my family of origin. I am unsure of how to talk with her about this, or if I even want to. I'm considering just leaving, with her thinking that I will stay in contact, and never do so. But at the same time, I want her to know exactly how I feel. I am thinking of leaving, and meditating/reflecting for a month or so, and maybe write her an email or call her directly to let her know what it is that I am doing. I think a phone call might be the best way. Now that I think of it, I might also want to talk with her in person about this. I'm really confused about what to do in this situation, but I don't feel like I can get her to admit any wrong that she has done. I'm not sure what the best course of action for my long-term happiness is. My question is: How do I find out what to do in this difficult situation? Please leave me any feedback you believe can be useful and don't hesitate to ask me questions. Thank you very much, I highly appreciate your attention to this issue which is extremely important to me.