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How comedy and fame are used as coping mechanisms for one's hurtful childhood.

It was difficult for me to find a good way to word my question. I know there is no objective answer, but I want to explore it and get some feedback. From as early as I can remember until age 9, I was frequently and viciously beaten by my dad, and also by my mom. I was mostly beaten by my dad at the request of my mom, who requested these beatings for my questioning her authority or disobeying her orders. My memory of my entire childhood is very fuzzy because I was forced to be on the constant lookout for anything I might say or do which would get me beaten, and also because I was severely neglected. As early as age 6 my parents would leave me home alone for a day, and when my mom (labeled schizophrenic) moved across the country to a group home at age 9, I lost the only of the two parents which paid any attention to me whatsoever. My dad stayed on his computer or in his room and ignored me and my younger siblings and I only have two clear memories of him which don't involve him beating me. One major problem I still face because of all the abuse is that my nervous system still constantly prepares me for being physically attacked. In other words, it's extremely difficult for me to relax and take a deep breath. I have been in a state of non-stop stress ever since I can remember, because almost any interaction with other people has the potential to trigger an emotional flashback to childhood. It has improved since going no contact with my father and my extended family (it has been just over 4 months at this point), but there are still days when the whole day I am stuck in a state of physical and emotional pain, combined with an inability to feel physical or emotional pleasure. When I put my preferences over the other person's - especially if it's someone I don't know well or trust my fear response is activated. I am equally as prone to be triggered by positive events as I am with negative ones. Someone being very nice to me often triggers my fear that I'm being tricked somehow into letting my guard down so I can be hurt even more. This is especially true with women, which makes sense given the fact that my mom was capable of being very nice to me when she wasn't threatening me, brainwashing me, or keeping me from developing my own identity. I struggle with flashbacks at my customer service job. I was never able to develop my own identity with my mom around because she treated me as an object which she could showcase to her friends. Because I was smart, because she was so good at teaching me language skills (homeschool), and because she was a narcissist, I was something for her to show off to her friends in the church and the only way for me to gain her affection was to play the smart, obedient little boy to gain her status with her "friends". I was never able to develop my own identity around my father because he simply didn't interact with us in the home. In high school I started to use my constant anxiety and verbal skills to make people laugh and started to become very popular for this. I had 2 of my 4 closest friends move away and for various other reasons, I was unable to continue to use this strategy, which was a type of personality structure in reaction to my trauma. My personality changed to something akin to a paranoid schizoid, which I couldn't truly shake until I moved out of my dad's house and to a different city. This drastic change in my personality happened sometime between the end of 10th grade and the beginning of 11th grade. I never consciously decided to make either of these changes to my personality - they happened unconsciously, and because of my lack of social support, not a single person reached out to see to try to understand why I went from loud, popular guy to eating lunch in the bathrooms guy who couldn't make eye contact over the course of a few months. I believe the only reason I survived this period of my life without killing myself or becoming a monstrous sadist was because I was able to suppress (in the short-term) my impulses, feelings, and do whatever the people I was hanging out with me wanted to do. I am unable and/or unwilling to go back to either of those personality types. My ability to exist and express myself unconsciously was taken away from me, because I was filled with rage and hate yet smart enough to realize the social consequences of me acting out my rage on others (other than my siblings which I unfortunately was abusive to when I was a child). For me to "be real" in front of other people would have gotten me ostracized by anyone other than someone else who had their humanity stolen from them. It feels like I can't be real now (except in therapy and with my one good friend), because the real me is full of rage, sadness, and fear. I have been in therapy for 5 years now and have made tons of progress, but it's very disheartening how much I struggle each and every day. To me this is the most sinister part of child abuse combined with severe neglect. You are filling the child with rage and hateful, murderous impulses - which gives them one of two options: Either act out the impulses and face the consequences from others and society as a whole (probably prison), or constantly suppress those impulses which is to create one's own prison and erase one's identity. It's extremely difficult to be outgoing without being either a people-pleaser or letting my rage surface. I work at a gas station and I have been leaning towards the people-pleaser side because at least I get some positive reactions from people, but I can no longer keep that up and it makes me miserable to act this way. I know how to be nice, and I can tell which people deserve to be treated nicely, but I hate doing it because when they are nice to me it triggers me that this person is trying to lull me into a false sense of security and will send someone to torture me (the way my mom did). When they are mean to me it triggers me and my brain sends the signals to my body and mind to prepare for torture. Also, when I am nice when I don't want to be, it feels like a continuation of my survival strategy in my childhood environment. It takes so much work for me to get through each and every day having to constantly suppress the emotional roller-coaster that my brain and body go through even during what other people consider mundane social interactions. My brain is constantly going a mile a minute and telling my body to go a mile a minute, but I realize that these are impulses which don't need to be acted on, and if are acted on only serve to tighten the chains of my past around my neck. I feel trapped. Maybe my weariness with people-pleasing means I am finally strong enough to live without the positive opinions of people who I don't really care about, but the fact that lots and lots of people now know who I am and the way I usually act (practically everyone in my relatively small town comes into my gas station) makes being the real me even more difficult. I've stopped hanging out with two people I was spending a lot of time with and have hung out with for several years with because I recognized I was constantly engaged in people-pleasing with them. I think I'm already taking good steps to solve my problems but I could use some advice from anyone else who has struggled with similar issues. Sometimes it feels like I'm fighting an unwinnable battle and it feels like I've been fighting for a lifetime.

Most of us have years of experience being dependent on abusive caregivers. As children, this is not chosen, but a consequence of being small, fragile, and powerless. However as adults, I believe it is a choice to remain dependent on abusive former-caregivers. I think there is reason why we are influenced to make this decision to remain dependent. I will speak primarily of my own experience in this regard. I have had over two decades of experience being financially and emotionally dependent on my abusive mother. A primary theme in our relationship has been verbal and physical conflict. This was present from my earliest memories, and persists today. There are more than a handful of these conflicts that I can look back on and say "I cannot imagine how this could have gotten worse." I feel I have "seen it all" when it comes to the extremes of how a conflict could escalate between us. What comes with this two-decade long experience is a certain set of skills. I have enormously more experience managing abuse than I have had developing any other skill. Therefore, despite being traumatic and emotionally unhealthy, my continued chosen exposure to abuse contains a vast familiarity, predictability, and ability to manage. And what is worse, the development of these skills has come at a huge cost of developing the opposite skills necessary to flourish in a life without abuse - some of which are negotiation, patience, sobriety, and mindfulness. Therefore, I feel that abuse is predictable, and can therefore seem comfortable and alluring, while a rejection of abuse is unpredictable, challenging, and therefore uncomfortable and frightening. TL;DR My question is this: what is your experience in manifesting the courage needed to reject and move on from a state of dependency on abusive care-givers? What precautions did you take? How did you manage the anxiety? Did your independence come slowly, or did you make deliberate, powerful decisions which you knew would make you very uncomfortable in the short term for the benefit of the long term? I personally want to move on from my state of dependency, but I realize the allure of being comfortable can distort my decisions and my plans to become independent. I am wondering what time horizon I should expect of myself, whether I make rapid decisions to leave my abuse ASAP, or whether I should take relatively more time to make sure when I leave, that I will be able to sustain myself for good. Any personal experiences you share are much appreciated.

Does anyone have any experience dealing with psychological and social neglect from families of origin? There is a lot of discussion about overt abuse on these forums, but negligence seems more difficult to pin down and achieve any kind of certainty. I've been trying to discuss my longstanding childhood social isolation and drugging (Ritalin, antidepressants, and the occasional sedative) with my parents and younger sibling, and they've mainly been saying "We did the best we could with the information we had", "We don't understand why you're so upset", and "It's your biology" lines with me. I feel enraged and contempt towards my parents, and disappointed in my sibling. They have never asked me any unprompted questions or done any research on the topics that I brought up. My father compared the show to a cult and me to an actual mass shooter in the news last year (I have never shown any inclinations towards violence). The drugs seemed to have made me dissociated and caused problems with my short term memory, the latter of which affected me into my late twenties. I also had the social skills of a child when I went away to college at the age of 18, and it took me many years to learn how to make friends and get a date. I have also struggled with finding my footing career wise. Despite bringing these topics up with my therapist and girlfriend, I still feel a bit of doubt as to what's going on. I'm mostly leaning towards saying "fuck them all" with regards to my immediate family, but would that be a failure to take responsibility for my life in some way? I'm now in my early 30's, so I've obviously been responsible for my decisions for a number of years now. I am making great progress in my social and romantic life, and am training in a new career that shows promise. It's just my family that is really bothering me at present, and some outside perspective might help in finally putting this to rest. I know this might be a bit general, but I'll elaborate as necessary if anyone wants any specifics.

Hi everybody. I would greatly appreciate if someone could be able to locate this podcast for me. I believe I am looking for this conversation with a young man who just graduated from police academy or was enrolled in classes, but is very disconnected with his emotions and is unsure about his career choice. Stef said some truly impacting words: "I think you're looking for a plan of action when I'm talking about the resurrection of an emotion. Self is not plan, identity is not execution. The truth is not a road map. The world is round. Does that tell you where you want to go? No, it means that if you wanna go somewhere knowing that the world is round is probably a good idea to navigate by. But saying that the world is round doesn't tell you where you should go in the world. It just means that if you wanna go somewhere you'll actually be able to get there. Or even if you should go, or if it's important to you. It's just a fact. And the reason that you were humiliated repeatedly is that you were cut off from parental support. Bullying means you were cut off from parental support. I have never known a child who was bullied who was connected to a parent figure in a positive and loving matter. You see, what happens in the schoolyard has to happen in the crib first. Everything that follows is the shadow cast by parental indifference and alienation, and hostility and lack of bonding lack of connection. Everything that happens in love, in life, in society, in business, in schoolyard, in air planes, and in wars- All of that -is the shadow of people leaning over your crib, with warm words, soft breaths and smiles, or yelling in the next room or watching TV downstairs. You see children see who are connected to parents. -Who is connected to parents, who is connected to parents, who is connected to parents? Ah! See there! That kid? That kid? Lost in space, adrift, no connection, no support. Separated from the herd, caught off from connection caught off from support. BANG! We're gonna get him!- Because what do children fear? If children knew that your parents would go and talk to them or their parents they would go and pick on easier targets right? Or if they knew your parents were gonna go to the principal and have you record stuff on an iPad and play stuff back and play it back and cause a big stink and a big fuss, they wouldn't bother right? The bullies in the playground are an effect of the bullies at home. They can't possibly exist without parental indifference and alienation. And who is your mom to tell you what is a bad experience for you or not. Literally, that's like you getting a piece of cheese cake and you say" Damn this is a great cheese cake." Then I say, "No it's not. It's not great cheese cake for you. You're wrong." If you had a bad experience, you know what? You had a bad experience. If you were scared, know what? You were scared. Who the fuck am I to tell you what your experience is? I am too self interested to be objective about your experience."

My newest video. In it, James Hetfield from "Metallica" talks about his painful childhood, his relationship with his abusive parents, and how it influenced his music. I included my comments and observations in a form of hard-burned closed captions. Apologies for poor audio quality. These were the best clips I could find, and sound filters didn't help improve it, either. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H6XD1MPzF_A

I will be 23 next month, and I called into "The Bad Philosophy Show" - FDR 2634, and was the last caller (starts at 2:19:35). Since I called into the show I have found a job - unfortunately only part-time, but I still live with my abusive and neglectful father who I hate and have murderous wishes towards. The focus of my therapy since I called into the Sunday Show has been on taking steps to get me out of this miserable hellhole and I've taken the first big step in getting the first job, but am feeling MASSIVE anxiety surrounding the next step which is actually physically leaving. My therapist brought up that I could find a room-share and still have enough to save a small amount each month, and that I could sleep under a bridge somewhere, as the summer nights here are very warm. I am trying to work out a situation where I sleep in a tent in friend's yard in exchange for rent but it's likely not going to happen because he has roommates. I also have the potential to get a second job as my shift is always the same at my current job. I do a trade-out at my local gym (work for membership) so I have access to a shower, shaving cream, and soap and all that. So I'm not all too concerned with the practical matters of getting out, though if anyone has any creative ideas I haven't mentioned, that would also be useful. Mostly, I came here for some emotional support. I realize very clearly now that the reason I quit my job 2 years ago was that I was in an environment where I didn't have intense amounts of anxiety and pain to manage and that I was so heavily inflicted with both of those as a child that for to adapt to being in a peaceful and calm environment felt incredibly dangerous. My own normalization of what I went through made it feel as my safety and security could only be an illusion, and that if I let my guard down, something far worse would happen to me than the terrible things which made me that way in the first place. As I told my therapist, it doesn't feel like my brain is wired for feeling safe - it feels like I'm allergic to being safe, which is more or less a prerequisite for happiness. My struggles day-to-day mostly revolve around recognizing the "fear program" booting up in the moment, in situations which are not dangerous, and trying to manage my response in a way that doesn't make me look crazy. This is particularly bad at work because I work front counter at a fast food place where they expect you to be friendly with customers. I'm always exhausted after work, probably because of the mental gymnastics I have to go through every day dealing with other people who I don't know and being in a working environment where there is very little time to get to know my coworkers (every conversation gets interrupted by a customer). I'm more or less always exhausted anyways, and I know that my hyperactive fear response takes a physical toll on me because I have trouble moving around in a grounded way (a problem which Stef mentioned adults who had insecure bonds as children often have) and have problems with my joints when I exercise the way most people do (I have significant muscle imbalances and joint problems from a sedentary lifestyle). Every single day I catch myself breathing shallowly and have to remind myself to breathe deeply. This honestly probably happens hundreds of times every day, especially on a day when I have work. The fact that I also work at a high-paced job where there are very few gaps of free time makes this worse. I know why I breathe shallowly - it is a way of repressing my lifeforce and by extension my emotions - though knowing this does not make it any easier to stop. I used to distract myself from my constant state of hyperawareness by using it to make people laugh - acting crazy, making funny faces, doing impressions of people, and I was very good at it and made tons of "friends" from it. At some point, I was unable to continue this charade, and fell into depression which lasted 3+ years starting at the age of 15, and only gradually subsided since then. My therapist agrees that I have PTSD, and I have had several emotional flashbacks in the past month - one of which thankfully happened in his office. During these flashbacks, my lips, my forehead, and where the neck meets the skull go numb, and I cry and shake. The worst of these lasted for about 3 hours, and in each one I feel a strong urge to kill myself or other people - especially my parents and family who either stood by or participated in the destruction of my life. As I'm writing this, I'm almost in disbelief of what I'm writing. How could things have gotten this bad for me? How could everyone have let things get this bad? How could they have stood by or participated in turning me into robot programmed for fear? The answer to these questions is clearly that my parents and everyone around them was evil and/or narcissistic. This truth seems nearly impossible to accept emotionally. And of course, the most terrifying question to answer is the one my therapist asked me a few days ago: "Why aren't you using every last bit of energy to leave?" The more I realize how not normal the way I feel on a daily basis is, the more enraged I become, the closer I get to getting out of this terror. I need some people to talk to who understand or have been through similar situations. I feel that I'm on the brink of leaving this place, but I'm asking for more social support to help propel me out and KEEP me out. After all, Stef's title to my call was "Ambition is Social." My Skype name is Karahashianders and I would happy to talk with anyone who responds to this post as well.

I got very emotional during the second call, as soon as the second caller did (who was talking about moral responsibility and how he tormented his sister). I started to feel defensive and angry when Stef attempted to uncover the caller's reason for tormenting his sister in the moment. One thought that came into my head was "That's not important, just blame the parents" - a particularly disturbing thought because I realize that that is likely exactly how his parents likely justified their abuse of him (though they are obviously far more culpable for torturing him as adults), and is one of the first excuses my dad made for his sadistic behavior towards me as a child (he was quick to deflect his abuse towards me with how his parents treated him). Also, a feeling of horror came over me as Stef empathized with his sister - it brought to mind all the images I have in my mind of me making my sister cry and yell, and all the times I mocked her and filled her so full of rage, she couldn't bear it and ran into her room, locked the door, and made gutteral sounds as a desperate attempt to get me to leave her alone - memories which I've tried in vain to disassociate from myself. I started crying when listening to the podcast and felt immense sadness and anger. I haven't even finished listening to the call, but I think for me the reason for seeking out and starting conflicts with her where I could cause her pain was obviously that I enjoyed causing suffering in others and was becoming a full-on sadist. As I'm typing this I'm getting even more angry at my parents and I want to yell at the top of my lungs "YOU TURNED ME INTO A SADISTIC MONSTER!" It is starting to make sense to me why I was so depressed from 11th grade onward - I no longer had anyone to unload my rage onto - I no longer had a helpless little sister and my brother became bigger than me (he is 2 years younger and she is 5 years younger) - I was one of the smallest kids at school. So I had a brain wired for sadism in an environment which I had no power in - which explains why I became so withdrawn and anti-social and fearful of strangers. My brain was telling me that the world was a win-lose environment, I was now in the lose category - the victim category, and so my actions reflected that of a victim. It seems (based on Stef's actions during the call, and during the call with the guy who put other kids in the hospital) that in order to heal from having inflicted harm on others, you must give yourself responsibility for the damage you've caused others, no matter how old you were, and no matter what was modeled for you which led to that behavior being seen as an feasible option. This is hard for me to accept emotionally, though obviously that has no bearing on the validity of that idea. I suspect that my father and mother are both full-blown sadists, though neither of them were ever diagnosed (though my mom has been taking medication for schizophrenia for a long time). I suspect that if I had been big and strong (I'm fully grown now and 5'8, 125lbs), I would have been a vicious and dangerous bully physically, like the second caller in "Shame-Based DNA Death," so it's hard for me to really look at myself as any different from him as I chose the means of sadism which I could get away with (verbal abuse, not just towards my sister, but towards a couple of easy targets at school) just as he chose the means of sadism which he could get away with. There have been plenty of times since I found out about this show (which was about 6 years ago) when I almost wished that I didn't have a conscience because it has been so unbelievably painful to uncover and explore the truth about my history and there have been so many times along the way when I've been unable or unwilling to face the truth about the things I've done and the things which have been done to me - thoughts came up of "How could this be true? How could my parents have been so evil? How could it have really been that bad? How could I have done that?" Even though I've done a lot of self-work through journaling and therapy so far, It seems like every time I explore an incident from my past, 10 more come to the surface and I push them away to a later date (I know this is not technically true, but I do feel overwhelmed by how much bullshit I have to slog through just to achieve a reasonable level of happiness, or at least not fearing punishment from others on a daily basis). I know that I've done a lot of work so far and made a lot of progress from when I started therapy, but I can't rid myself of the thought that I need to work even harder and give myself less leeway to spend time on other things. It's the same thing in therapy - every session I feel that I have to push important things to the side for the sake of time for the things which I perceive to be even more important (which has its benefits but obviously drawbacks as well). I only have a couple of memories of my dad playing with me when I was a child, the other memories consist of him ignoring me, mocking me, and denying me the attention I needed from him and hitting me with on the bare-ass with wooden spoons, metal spatchulas, and a plastic pasta-stirring spoon with spikes. My mom hit me with the same items, frequently sicked my dad on me because he could hit harder, and though she was not neglectful in the sense that she spent a lot of time with me in early childhood (stay-at-home mom who homeschooled me), I can see very clearly now that she was trying to turn me into her subservient little pet and only gave me affection for doing what she wanted me to do and the threat of punishment was ALWAYS there if I openly expressed disagreement or argued with her, whether that punishment was physical (hitting, washing my mouth out with soap, making me eat too much hot sauce) or withdrawal of affection. She was unable to cope with reality by the time I was 9, and she now lives in a group home across the country, heavily medicated past the point of having humanity - she may as well be dead in my opinion. My parents heavily indoctrinated me with fundamentalist Christianity and punished me very frequently for supposed immorality, so according to the argument Stef made in this podcast as I interpreted it, they hold a very high degree of moral responsibility for what they did to me and how it affected me (please feel free to correct me if I misunderstood or misinterpreted Stef). Hopefully it is clear to anyone reading this why it is so emotionally hard for me to take responsibility for the way I treated my sister for YEARS, I'm talking 6 or 7 years of making her life hell, even though I logically accept it to a certain extent (I think my parents are even more to blame than I am). I felt angry when Stef said he couldn't understand why other children in abusive environments don't stick up for each other. The first thought that came to mind was, "Because you (meaning me) didn't side with your sister over your abusers, you are/were evil or at least morally inferior to Stef - who faced lots of abuse and neglect and was a good enough person to not hurt others when he knew how much he hated being hurt." On the other hand, I also have the thought that "If I was morally inferior, it was the fault of my parents, and my childhood must have been worse and/or at least I must have had some genetic predisposition towards sadism which Stef did not have." I later had the thought that "Comparing how good of a person you are to how good of a person Stef is is not productive or useful - how you deal with your wrongdoings moving forward is the only thing that matters." I'm a bit lost on how to reconcile these thoughts into some kind of emotional clarity, and I also suspect the caller may have been dealing with the same types of thoughts. Though, now that I've kept listening to the podcast, I can see that the alternative to me taking my anger out on my sister was probably worse - likely killing my parents or going on a shooting spree (something I've had a fantasy about doing several times in my life), or killing myself. That gives me some comfort, but it doesn't change the fact that I did those things and have to live with those memories which is still horrible. I apologize for the wayward nature of this post, but I fear that if I don't write this now, it will be a LONG time before these thoughts return to my mind and desperately want some discussion with rational and empathetic people about what I've written here.

Hey everyone, I'm going to jump right in. I'd like to give a little background first so you're on the same page. If anyone has time, I would really appreciate opinions on the conversation below. My name is Andrew. I'm 26, and I'm a long time listener of FDR (my first post on the boards). I just started some serious self-work due to a tipping point finally being reached in my family. About three weeks ago I told them that I wanted a break. I expressed my desire to have space in order to figure things out. Without going into the full history, there's some serious emotional abuse and neglect that I feel I've been subjected to. I haven't seen them or spoken to them for about three weeks now. I've confronted my Mom in the past about these concerns I have of my childhood. What I'm trying to do right now is write down every single detail I can remember about my past. I'm trying to put together a timeline of sorts containing all of the events and experiences I can remember of as a child. So a couple days ago I asked my Mom if I could pick up all of the childhood school papers / pictures she saved. I told her that it would really help me in this whole process during therapy. (I found an amazing one thank god). She told me that she would put together a box with everything and that I could pick it up today (Sunday the 19th). All day today I've been a nervous wreck. And to make a long story short I decided not to go over. I couldn't do it. I just can't see her face to face yet. I'm not ready. So the below conversation is what followed through text message. (I purposely left the typos in the conversation. I felt that it would help paint a more accurate picture of my Mom. Also the lost key conversation happened through email earlier in the day). Me: "I'm sorry mom I cant make it over tonight. I have the day off tomorrow...would you mind leaving the box in the backyard or garage? I could swing over during the day and pick it up." Mom: "Why can't you make it over" Me: "I don't know...I guess I'm scared to..." Mom: "We'll Andy that really hurts me I didn't know I scared you wow! I guess all I can say is when you get your courage back you can come over and get the stuff I put together for you this week. Come over tomorrow if you want after I get off work at 2:30 and pick it up I would like to talk. Love you mom" Mom: "Did you loose all your keys can you still drive your car.? Please reply thank you" Me: "Yeah I got all new keys made last week. I don't think im ready to talk face to face yet, im sorry. Would you mind leaving the box outside? I'd still like to look at the files if you don't mind." Mom: "I don't know what files your talking about I put together dates on a piece of paper dates where we lived and when we lived there. Also the box of your time at meadow lake school and pictures when you were little. I'm not putting them outside it's going to snow tomorrow if you can't see me after work then you can pick the stuff up when you can you can face I'm sorry you can't even see me I love you andy." Mom: "I just don't understand why your feeling this way towards me what did I do? For you to feel this way ." Me: "What about putting the stuff in the garage? You usually leave that unlocked right? I really really want to look at these things. I appreciate very much that you took the time to write down dates...it would help me a lot..." Me: "I don't know mom...that's what im trying to figure out in therapy right now." Mom: "Sorry Andy if you want the stuff tomorrow you can get it from me I want to see you . You don't have to stay and talk. You said you would come over today well I'm going to hold you to that." Me: "Ok. I'll pick up the stuff when I'm ready to talk face to face." Mom: "Ok I'm sorry you feel that way about me remember you have mail to pick up to when ever your ready to see me love mom:-*" I just can't believe that she's holding these things "hostage" in a way. I feel disgusted, completely neglected, and angry as hell. I'm starting to remember her doing this kind of thing to me when I was a kid. Ugh.

https://www.childwelfare.gov/preventing/preventionmonth/about/ About:National Child Abuse Prevention Month is a time to acknowledge the importance of families and communities working together to prevent child abuse and neglect, and to promote the social and emotional well-being of children and families. During the month of April and throughout the year, communities are encouraged to share child abuse and neglect prevention awareness strategies and activities and promote prevention across the country. Although I am wary of government programs or initiatives I think this is a positive one that tackles the root cause of many of societies problems.

Here is my previous post on some of my story: http://board.freedomainradio.com/topic/38334-hi-from-norway/ I live far apart from my family. I used to live in my dead grandfathers house before they sold the house. When they sold the house I drove 1000km far north to Tromsø. My parents tried to talk me out of this decision, but I ignored it. In october/november or so they contacted me and wanted me to visit them. I refused. My mom managed to talk me into agreeing that they (my father and mother) come and visit me. When they came my mother had brought gifts, she said "I brought you this cooking pot, which I have promised you". I felt uncomfortable, I specifically said before they came to not bring any gifts. Now she said she had promised me this pot? The pot was bought with my dads money as usual. Not completely sure this is a manipulative strategy to make me feel guilty to give something back, I feel cynical about taking this point of view, but it certainly did not feel right. I wanted to refuse taking it, but gave in. There where other people around (those that shared my apartment) and I didn't want to make a scene. Also I decided to just play along, counting days until they left again. Anyway. We used a lot of time looking at houses. I have gotten 100k $ from my grandfather on my fathers side. My father was really excited and had lots of enthusiasm. Checking the internet for different houses and apartments, arranging several each day. Some where really expensive, but managable. I would just be able to pay the interest of the loan. It did not feel right, but I got excited as well, I quite tired of living with strangers... After they left I felt relieved. My mother called on the phone and started nagging me that I had to remember ordering airplane tickets for the Christmas holidays. I procrastinated it, I just couldn't do it. I really did not want to come and spend Christmas with them. I told her so. She said something like, come on it will be alright. It will be good for you. I ended up giving in. The tickets where quite expensive, since I waited for it so long. After that I got really depressed. I started to isolate myself in the room and could not concentrate on the exams. I went back into a completely dysfunctional state that I have suffered from in the past. I ended up sleeping in the day and being awake in the night to avoid my room mates. All the exams went terrible, even though I had done a lot of ground work earlier in the semester. I started to realize that I could still change my mind, even though I had bought expensive tickets. Those money where gone anyway. I flipped back and forth, unable to make up my mind. Two days before I was supposed to go, I decided to not go, just enjoy my own company. All the roommates would leave and I could enjoy the silence. I had been hiding in my room, cooking food on a rice cooker and small hot plate. Now I could enjoy the living room and a real kitchen. On the day I was supposed to leave I called my mother (around the time I was supposed to arrive). I told her that I really did not want to visit them, and that the truth was that I really did not enjoy Christmas, that it made me depressed spending time with them with all this exterior stuff; presents, food etc. but with an empty feeling inside. The "topics" of conversation also dives me insane. They are so vacuous and uninteresting. She got angry and sad. She kept saying what am I going to tell the others? She said she somehow had to bear the responsibility of me not coming, now they would be disappointed at her. At a later phone call I told my mom that I did not want to see them anymore. I complained about their emotional neglect in my childhood. She kept saying thet they did as best they could. I was quite angry in this phone call and said that it was not good enough. She started crying. I said that crying was not going to change my mind. Then she started to say that I put the blame on them for my own misery. That I made up stories to justify my position in life. I threw the same thing back at her. That it could be argued that her story served her purposes in the exact same way. Then she got really angry and that really sharp voice came out of her. I can remember this voice from my childhood. It's really scary, really sharp and angry. It doesn't affect me ass much anymore though. Next phone cal she pretended like nothing and started to tell me really detailed stuff about what had happened, the weather etc. I just told her, that I really did not care about all this, could she not remember our last call? She kept trying to just pretend like nothing and bring the conversation back to normal. Now she keeps sending me text messages. Hope everything is fine! Hear the weather is nice. We have just been skiing etc.She keeps calling as well, but I don't pick it up. It's freaking annoying! I talked to my oldest sister the other day. She said I was being childish. Then she wanted to send me a gift, I said that I really did not want it, but she kept insisting. I felt guilty and gave in. The package has arrived, but I haven't picked it up yet. Should I send it back again? So what is going on here. Why does my mother keep sending me text messages that are all happy happy, and just pretending she doesn't know that I really just want to be left alone? My father has stopped all contact. He kept asking me if he could transfer the money from my grandfather. I kept saying that it was not in a hurry and that I didn't want them cause I was afraid that would make me unable to take student loans. Now I have decided to drop out of university. I told him he could send the money, but I have not heard anything from him. What's going on there? Is he afraid I will just waste them, now that he know I don't want to have anything to do with them? Or is he playing some kind of game? I'm afraid calling him cause I know he will keep saying that I shouldn't have dropped out of college etc. All he ever talks about is what I'm supposed to do according to "the script". I have followed that script long enough now and it makes me miserable. If I talk about his emotional absence when I was growing up he either goes into anger/rage mode. Or he uses the pity game, making me feeling guilty. A long rant. I just could not sleep and felt like venting. (also I checked my phone and there it was another message from my mother)

Hey everyone,*Sorry about the messed up title.I wasn't sure where to post this but here the situation. My boyfriend and I have been getting into arguments over the last couple of months. Whenever we get on topic we disagree on, I try to get him to define certain concepts that he is using in context of our dialogue, such if we were debating free-will I would want him to define free-will. Then I try to give my definition for such terms. He''l then to go on to saying i'm argument semantics when I'm just trying to clarify what we're talking about. If the dialogue regressed from there he goes on to attack my intelligence or my personal ethic, in which he proceeds to go things like "where's your facts" or saying, "you're just wrong." and then stonewalls refusing to continue at all. I have met several people like this and find it very hard to deal with them. Do any of you have suggestions?